Take your time

[ScottThuy 140]

I just talked to a fellow VJ member who is devestated that he has been used for immigration purposes only.. Things went really fast for them but she somehow got through the interview and got the visa... he saw the warning signs beforehand but didnt follow his instincts... We try to say take your time so the consulate does not think the relationship is a fraud.. well they are not thinking that for nothing... there are likely 10 or more scammers out there for every 1 victim...

Take your time..... to those that have not yet filed the petition.. make sure that you are compatible and make more than one trip to get to know the culture of the person you want to spend the rest of your life with... The culture in VN and the culture in the states are very different... the beneficiary will have alot of adjusting to do as will the USC... the more adjustments that you are aware of beforehand the better... keep in mind that you have the rest of your lives together and dont have to rush anything... when things are rushed, bad decisions are often made... if someone is willing to use you they are likely willing to jump through any hoop presented them to get what they want... users will lie to get what they want... take your time so you can be sure you see the real picture and not a facade...

[BinhJerome 14]

I just talked to a fellow VJ member who is devestated that he has been used for immigration purposes only.. Things went really fast for them but she somehow got through the interview and got the visa... he saw the warning signs beforehand but didnt follow his instincts... We try to say take your time so the consulate does not think the relationship is a fraud.. well they are not thinking that for nothing... there are likely 10 or more scammers out there for every 1 victim...

Take your time..... to those that have not yet filed the petition.. make sure that you are compatible and make more than one trip to get to know the culture of the person you want to spend the rest of your life with... The culture in VN and the culture in the states are very different... the beneficiary will have alot of adjusting to do as will the USC... the more adjustments that you are aware of beforehand the better... keep in mind that you have the rest of your lives together and dont have to rush anything... when things are rushed, bad decisions are often made... if someone is willing to use you they are likely willing to jump through any hoop presented them to get what they want... users will lie to get what they want... take your time so you can be sure you see the real picture and not a facade...

Scott, not trying to sound mean or anything, and I do agree with you, but............ You and I both know that when a person feels they are in "Love" they are blind to what is going on, also people will always say "That could never happen to me." The problem is that with you saying that 10 fake women our there for every 1 man people will try to disagree with you. With your case, one could argue with her divorce issue (or how ever you want to word it) that Thuy might have been one of those types of women. I am sure you would say I didn't know what I am talking about at all. The truth is that ever person is different, yes we all need to make sure the woman we love also loves us. But honestly when we feel that we are in love that is ALL that matters, love is blind, and people follow their heart. Even if a person does get scammed, as long as they learn from it they will be a better and stronger person because of it. People say that there are "Signs" to look out for, and I am sure there are obvious ones, but there are also ones that you or me might think are obvious that are in fact innocent things that he/she does without thinking of how it looks.

I just dont think telling people to slow down is anyones business, and when a person is in their mind "IN LOVE" they do not want to listen to the signs, or the words of other people telling them to slow down. You do make good points, that people do need to slow down, but life is short, and you only get one crack at it. I simply say, good luck follow your heart, and if you are in fact scammed learn from it, don't let one bad experience ruin your life. If you wait for life, it will pass you by and you will only have yourself to blame for not taking that leap of faith. Today might be your last day on earth, live your life to the fullest!

Jerome

[utst10 0]

Slowing down and taking your time is an absolute must! When you are with a person, there are signs from that person that you can see no matter how hard she or he tries to cover it up. Love is not blind unless you don’t want to see the truth of it. Sadly, most people choose to ignore the truth and be “blinded” by love. Life is short so why go through life “wasting time” with things that are useless? Spend a little time to sort things out. See the truth for what it is. If we all do this and NOT LET OUR EMOTION GET IN THE WAY, we would all be better off.

[luckytxn 2,264]

I tend to agree Scott but people sometimes have to learn hard lessons. I was one of those that made one trip only and made it but it is amazing how we are both doing so well. I don't understand why God has seen it in his power to bestow on me a second chance at happiness. I did resist for a few years though and kept saying NO but the persistence wore me down and I said yes I would at the least talk to this babe. My babe seemed to know that we were going to be together way before I knew. I even recently joked about how long I resisted and she just said that if I hadn't been a hard head that we would have been together we would have been together sooner. I told her she was right. That is what she wanted to hear that I said she was right. I wish I hadn't said it though because now she will lord it over me till I die.

[NODINK 0]

What to do now? What is his recourse in this case?

[ScottThuy 140]

If a USC feels they have been used and the spouse has run off, check to see what the real story is.. call relatives friends etc to see what is really going on.. is she just feeling homesick and run to a relative or has she run off with another man. Call ICE and let them know the status ASAP if fraud is taking place... Cover his #### to protect his assets (change the locks) and dont go anywhere with her alone that she could say you beat her and then claim abuse/VAWA to adjust status...

Love can be blind but the point of the post was to remind those that there are alot of people out there that want to get to the US by any means necessary. We dont want to think its possible in our case and Yes I did wonder initially with Thuy and actually asked alot of questions and had someone do some investigating on my part to be sure... it may sound cold, but its something that needed to be done for me to have the peace of mind to pursue the relationship further...

Since love is so blind for some, it can only help if there is someone on the sidelines holding a sign up saying take off the blinders and see the entire picture before it goes too far... the results of living like tomorrow may never come and not being careful can be losing everything between now and then including ones freedom or life itself...

[Anh map 2,098]

Wouldn't the same advice apply whether the new relationship was with a person from the next town over or across an ocean? Kismet happens sometimes. Best of luck to those couples.

For the majority of couples the evolution of a relationship takes a period of time. The "pressure" of the long travel may make folks act hastily. Scott is offering the opinion that it is best for all involved to not allow that self imposed pressure to cloud your judgement. And as an adult be prepared for all possible ramifications.

[Dau Que 6]

I just talked to a fellow VJ member who is devestated that he has been used for immigration purposes only.. Things went really fast for them but she somehow got through the interview and got the visa... he saw the warning signs beforehand but didnt follow his instincts... We try to say take your time so the consulate does not think the relationship is a fraud.. well they are not thinking that for nothing... there are likely 10 or more scammers out there for every 1 victim...

Take your time..... to those that have not yet filed the petition.. make sure that you are compatible and make more than one trip to get to know the culture of the person you want to spend the rest of your life with... The culture in VN and the culture in the states are very different... the beneficiary will have alot of adjusting to do as will the USC... the more adjustments that you are aware of beforehand the better... keep in mind that you have the rest of your lives together and dont have to rush anything... when things are rushed, bad decisions are often made... if someone is willing to use you they are likely willing to jump through any hoop presented them to get what they want... users will lie to get what they want... take your time so you can be sure you see the real picture and not a facade...

Prenuptial agreement! Trust, but verify, Ronald Reagan. They WILL pretend to love you, so well that you will NOT detect anything. ........til they got the 10 year GC or become USC. Unless you were born and raised there in that society, you know NOTHING about the harsh life there and what people are willing to do to have better life.

But of course, noone would believe what I said before. I'll let you test out real life. Once you realize the damage, it's REAL and will be painful.

[Teacher Mark 53]

Prenuptial agreement! Trust, but verify, Ronald Reagan. They WILL pretend to love you, so well that you will NOT detect anything. ........til they got the 10 year GC or become USC. Unless you were born and raised there in that society, you know NOTHING about the harsh life there and what people are willing to do to have better life.

But of course, noone would believe what I said before. I'll let you test out real life. Once you realize the damage, it's REAL and will be painful.

I'll agree with that statement, for the most part. Living here for 2 years has certainly opened my eyes, as well as the fact that my ex was trying to scam me and I caught her red handed.

Warning signs will be there, if a person chooses to see them.

Great topic Scott.

[luckytxn 2,264]

Have to agree. If there is a gut feeling saying there may be a problem then the odds are there are and one needs to step back. Strangely this is the first time in my long life and going through to many woman that I never felt there was ever any fraud or fakeness. I even kept waiting for my gut feeling to kick in and it never did. I even still am waiting for it. I am stunned that she insisted on getting married in the Catholic ceremony as I knew it meant that she could never divorce and had to stay with me until I die..................um OK I just realized I am worth a lot dead and she will get a lot. Damn y'all!!!

[ScottThuy 140]

There are actually alot of people out there petitioning for someone to come here for a spousal visa that have no idea there is any visa fraud taking place let alone that they could possibly be a victim of a scam... sadly enough it happens... couple that with the notion that the only way to get a visa is to get the girl pregnant... wow talk about going too far too fast without realizing what is really going on... As I said.. many will do whatever means necessary to get here.. having a child is not out of the scope of what would be done.. and in some cases it can become physically dangerous to the USC if they call things off when they realize its a scam...

[utst10 0]

"Prenuptial agreement! Trust, but verify, Ronald Reagan. They WILL pretend to love you, so well that you will NOT detect anything. ........til they got the 10 year GC or become USC. Unless you were born and raised there in that society, you know NOTHING about the harsh life there and what people are willing to do to have better life.

But of course, noone would believe what I said before. I'll let you test out real life. Once you realize the damage, it's REAL and will be painful."

Dau Que,

Did you see any warning signs before you got involved:

She always sees the positive side when you ask her a question.

(She doesn’t show her true self)

Everything in her life is either great or bad.

(Everyone has good and bad moments)

Her voice is always soft and sweet

(She putting on a show for you)

She is always taking your side

(She doesn’t care what you say)

She is always comparing you or herself to someone

(She is not happy with the current situation)

She talking about things out of her league

(She is conceited)

She is talking about expensive vacations or things that is beyond your wallet capability

(Gold Digger)

She only talks about things that are good for her family

(Get ready to send money back to Vietnam)

She doesn’t talk much

(She doesn’t show you the respect you deserve)

[journey4life 0]

Good comments by everyone they all made good since but as we all know these types of relationships are somewhat risky to begin with . Wish evryone the best in the future.

[Dau Que 6]

To elaborate my first post earlier in this thread, most of them will probably love you for real.......until they knowingly are certain of their legal immigration status(10 year GC or USC). By then, they should acquire enough knowledge to realize their rights, ie. child custody and support in the event of a divorce (this right does not exist in VN), their rights to half of your asset (no such thing in VN) and this option won't apply to everyone, their rights to contact the legal authority if you're domestic violent to them.

By this time, you are no longer in control of the game. They are! Your marriage is no different than a typical one with someone in the States. You will realize that your mate is no longer an "inexpensive" one, like back then when you first met her. In fact, some of them will demand lots of expenses that you might not agree with due to the fact that you can't even afford them.

Example: she will constantly demand you that she has the need to travel back to VN, knowing that your credit card limit is always available for her convenience. To add insult to injury, she will insist that her family, which who knows how many there are over there in VN, has an urgent need for cash since they are so POOR.

You still live in your dream that your overseas wife is a cheap one, compared to one here in the States?

No money, no honey!

[BinhJerome 14]

To elaborate my first post earlier in this thread, most of them will probably love you for real.......until they knowingly are certain of their legal immigration status(10 year GC or USC). By then, they should acquire enough knowledge to realize their rights, ie. child custody and support in the event of a divorce (this right does not exist in VN), their rights to half of your asset (no such thing in VN) and this option won't apply to everyone, their rights to contact the legal authority if you're domestic violent to them.

By this time, you are no longer in control of the game. They are! Your marriage is no different than a typical one with someone in the States. You will realize that your mate is no longer an "inexpensive" one, like back then when you first met her. In fact, some of them will demand lots of expenses that you might not agree with due to the fact that you can't even afford them.

Example: she will constantly demand you that she has the need to travel back to VN, knowing that your credit card limit is always available for her convenience. To add insult to injury, she will insist that her family, which who knows how many there are over there in VN, has an urgent need for cash since they are so POOR.

You still live in your dream that your overseas wife is a cheap one, compared to one here in the States?

No money, no honey!

I can't speak for everyone else, but when I decided that I wanted to look outside the US for a REAL relationship, and not with a typical american valued girl, I did not think it would be cheap, I KNEW it would NOT be cheap. Price was not even in the picture, it never has been and never will be. I was tired of the one night stands, the american way of thinking that if there is a problem, to heck with it, i will just break up with him and go on or vice versa. I was tired of the "I never want to get married" mentality. I wanted a relationship built on knowledge, not built on sex, and the only way to be able to truly do that is with a long distance relationship. I never rushed to see Binh the first month or two from meeting, we actually waited 9 months before we met for the first time.

When you say once they realize they have the power, I think you are thinking of this entire relationship thing the wrong way. "Once they realize" to me it sounds like you did not inform them of their rights, like you think once they come over here they need to be locked up in a deep dark basement with no contact to the outside world, well heck yes if you treat them as idiots and dont tell them what is really going on, and they eventually find out from other people what their rights are, then they will change. If you treat your woman with RESPECT and let her know what she can and cant do right away and I dont mean "you cant go here, you cant do this, and you have to dress like this" but actually tell her what her rights are and have an EQUAL partnership then when the bad people come whispering things in her ear she wont feel the need to listen to them. I met Fred when he was here this last time, and he told me some funny things that some Vietnamese women were telling his wife, on how to hide money from her and what not. She didnt listen because they have a REAL relationship, he treats her with respect, and she also does. If you keep a person in the dark long enough, anyone offering to show them light will be listened to, but if you show them the light from the start, they have no need to listen to them.

In any relationship, you need to take time, make sure it is right, but if you go into this Vietnamese wife thing, you do need to realize that it is still a relationship, and as such you both need to be partners, and not go into this thinking you are getting a house wife that only says yes to what you say. You also do have to realize that she DOES have family back home, it might seem like they are expecting you to help all the time, and maybe some of them do, BUT..... their culture mandates that they help one another when they need it, this is an obligation that is instilled in them at a very early age, and one of the reasons I really like asian culture. Example, my mother is going through a divorce, she had a stroke 3 years back and is all but blind, and can barely get around, her husband is treating her like he used to treat me (and that aint good!) he cleaned out her bank accounts, so she didnt have money for a lawyer, well their assets combined are well over 300k since they used to own their own trucking company, well no lawyer will touch her case without a $2000 up front payment. To make a long story short, if I had an American wife, we would have argued over me sending her the money, but with Binh (my vietnamese wife) she said send it today. So...... sending money works both ways just like any relationship, if you look abroad, it doesnt matter if she is Soviet, Asian or African, chances are they will want to help family members back home when they can.

Jerome