marriage was real now he insists i have to help him finish ROC

[endofthetunnel 3]

Hi,

I am so frustrated. He came here on a K1, we did AOS, applied for ROC, 3 months later I FINALLY made a decision about staying in the marriage or not. It has been rocky, 'nuff said.

Love is dead, don't want to stay in the marriage.

His family is having problems and he doesn't want to add to them by causing them to worry about if he can stay here or not. He is not sleeping well, lost a bunch of weight, complains of aches and pains etc.

The marriage was legit. ROC was applied for before I made my decision. According to the memorandum about I-751 filed before divorce, it can be treated as a waiver case.

Problem, we were called for an interview 2 weeks ago, I went with him. They didn't ask about the state of the marriage or if we were sleeping together, and I didn't offer the info. We didn't lie. But is not bringing it up ourselves considered a lie? I've been thinking about it and now I'm worried, did I lie under oath?

He was not approved or denied, the interviewer gave us a paper indicating they needed to do additional review. Is there an official name for that paper? 120 days!!! The separation is completed at the beginning of October and 120 day won't be over until last half of December! He is living in the house in a separate room, wants to come into my room and talk, uses my bathroom, leaves dirty clothes there... and he wants to know why I asked him not to? i can't stand this much longer.

He insists that I have to help him, which might mean lying - outright lying if they do a surprise visit or call us in for a second interview. Because we don't have financial proofs of comingled lives they might very well deny ROC and that wouldn't be right because it was was WAS a LEGIT marriage. He has talked to people and I get stories about how so and so's wife helped by not filing until he got his 10-year card (possibly lying/fudging under oath in the process). I'm going nuts here. He's piling on the guilt trip and any mention of me not helping him results in a lecture for me. He keeps pushing and pushing and I hate this situation. I'm getting the same kinds of feelings that pushed me away from him to begin with that I wish I had listened to sooner, and I feel stuck like I can't get myself out of the situation. Divorce would get me out of the situation.

He is just the kind of difficult person I don't know how to deal with. His logic twists around and seems so...logical but there are things about doing this the way he wants me to that just seem wrong no matter what his reasons are for wanting me to do things that way. I want to say no outright but I know him, it is not something he will accept well and sometimes it seems that he's not mentally stable. He has 2 brothers that are unstable in different ways and maybe it's insulting but sometimes I wonder if there is something genetic.

I feel manipulated. First it was 'give me 20 days to change your mind' then it was 'i don't have enough money to rent somewhere and I don't want to impose on my friends' then the interview date came and no decision on the case and now it's about keeping this address so it looks more like we're living together.

He has suggested renting a place together but I don't actually live there, make joint bank account, get my name added to his on the car title...all this to create proof and give the impression that everything is just fine.

I wish I could give him things he can't argue against. I don't hate him, but I don't want to be anywhere near this person that made me feel so bad I was hitting myself trying to deal with the emotions.

ideas what do I do, is it really ok to pretend everything is fine right now to help him get the card because the marriage was legit? Everything in me screams no, and his guilt tripping words say that I'm being mean and thoughtless and all these things that he doesn't deserve.

[RightClicK 17]

If he really loved you and he didn't use you , then you would be UNFAIR if you didn't help him .

All i can say is : Put your self in his place (Wear his shoes ) and feel what would you feel if you were in his country.

[TazzingOut 3]

Hi,

I am so frustrated. He came here on a K1, we did AOS, applied for ROC, 3 months later I FINALLY made a decision about staying in the marriage or not. It has been rocky, 'nuff said.

Love is dead, don't want to stay in the marriage.

His family is having problems and he doesn't want to add to them by causing them to worry about if he can stay here or not. He is not sleeping well, lost a bunch of weight, complains of aches and pains etc.

The marriage was legit. ROC was applied for before I made my decision. According to the memorandum about I-751 filed before divorce, it can be treated as a waiver case.

Problem, we were called for an interview 2 weeks ago, I went with him. They didn't ask about the state of the marriage or if we were sleeping together, and I didn't offer the info. We didn't lie. But is not bringing it up ourselves considered a lie? I've been thinking about it and now I'm worried, did I lie under oath?

He was not approved or denied, the interviewer gave us a paper indicating they needed to do additional review. Is there an official name for that paper? 120 days!!! The separation is completed at the beginning of October and 120 day won't be over until last half of December! He is living in the house in a separate room, wants to come into my room and talk, uses my bathroom, leaves dirty clothes there... and he wants to know why I asked him not to? i can't stand this much longer.

He insists that I have to help him, which might mean lying - outright lying if they do a surprise visit or call us in for a second interview. Because we don't have financial proofs of comingled lives they might very well deny ROC and that wouldn't be right because it was was WAS a LEGIT marriage. He has talked to people and I get stories about how so and so's wife helped by not filing until he got his 10-year card (possibly lying/fudging under oath in the process). I'm going nuts here. He's piling on the guilt trip and any mention of me not helping him results in a lecture for me. He keeps pushing and pushing and I hate this situation. I'm getting the same kinds of feelings that pushed me away from him to begin with that I wish I had listened to sooner, and I feel stuck like I can't get myself out of the situation. Divorce would get me out of the situation.

He is just the kind of difficult person I don't know how to deal with. His logic twists around and seems so...logical but there are things about doing this the way he wants me to that just seem wrong no matter what his reasons are for wanting me to do things that way. I want to say no outright but I know him, it is not something he will accept well and sometimes it seems that he's not mentally stable. He has 2 brothers that are unstable in different ways and maybe it's insulting but sometimes I wonder if there is something genetic.

I feel manipulated. First it was 'give me 20 days to change your mind' then it was 'i don't have enough money to rent somewhere and I don't want to impose on my friends' then the interview date came and no decision on the case and now it's about keeping this address so it looks more like we're living together.

He has suggested renting a place together but I don't actually live there, make joint bank account, get my name added to his on the car title...all this to create proof and give the impression that everything is just fine.

I wish I could give him things he can't argue against. I don't hate him, but I don't want to be anywhere near this person that made me feel so bad I was hitting myself trying to deal with the emotions.

ideas what do I do, is it really ok to pretend everything is fine right now to help him get the card because the marriage was legit? Everything in me screams no, and his guilt tripping words say that I'm being mean and thoughtless and all these things that he doesn't deserve.

[IncorrectPolitics 26]

Can I suggest marriage counseling? You did love him enough to marry him didn't you? I know plenty of people who hated each other then things worked out in the end. Things are hard on people when they come to a new country and so many couples hit a rough patch in their relationship and have the same feelings you do then things eventually smooth out.

[Indian Friend 1]

You already kinda lied by hiding material information from USCIS official. Now if you pull it out, it would seem that both of you committed fraud and his ROC will be denied. Nothing will probably happen to you, except maybe your future immigration petitions will be looked at very hard.

I guess it is up to you if you want to continue this lie or not.

[TazzingOut 3]

Hello,

While I do understand your frustration and his as well, as you said...it was a legitimate marriage. Have you thought of marriage counseling? It could one save your marriage when perhaps you may not find it possible; if not then you might both at least find away to be friends and save something of the love you once had for each other. Or you may both find that ending the marriage is the best solution for both of you.

However, in the mean time, it would also solve you dilemma of not lying under oath and give you some time to come to a more compassionate solution for both of you. This would still show the legitimacy of your marriage and any separation between the two of you (separate bedrooms/residences) would be clearly not due to an illegitimate marriage but due to do real marital problems which many people experience. This would also allow time for his green card and not put you in any position of dishonesty. Taking the pressure off of both of you as to having an unsure future, while giving you the chance to find out if your problems and the marriage can be resolved. Many people separate in times of martial crisis and seek professional help, this might give you both some relief from the tension you are currently experiencing while not putting either of you in a position of guilt or making a decision that you may regret later.

Although,I realize the situation is tense at the moment for both of you and I am very sorry to hear that you both are having such a difficult time, I just wanted to offer another possible solution that perhaps could make both more comfortable and at least give you both the chance for some happiness either together or separately. I really can understand both sides and sympathize with the dilemma faced by both. I sincerely hope this possible solution is something that could help you both. I am sure you have both worked very hard and been through a lot to reach this point in the process, perhaps this solution would offer a way for all the time and effort on from both of you not to be in vain and can still allow both of you to be treated fairly alleviating some of the stress. This process becomes so much about paper work and evidence, I personally feel sometimes as though the humanity is lost somewhere along the line.

Good luck to you both and may you both find happiness and hopefully a viable solution that can help you both.

Trisha

[justashooter 430]

what you have is called a "constructive seperation". it is a seperation, and should be noted in his case file. you need to send a letter to the office adjudicating his case indicating that the marriage was legitimate, entered into for reasonable purpose, but that it is failing and that you are seperating.

his case will then be adjudicated without you, but your affirmation that the marriage was legitimate will count for him. have it notarised when you sign it. of course, you should also make available to him any documents he needs to demonstrate the validity of the marriage. this is where your responsibility ends.

you are not responsible for this guy. your own words indicate that he is not a man that you want to be married to. why would you be interested in helping him, if everyone other than yourself was silent about the issue? there is only one person that you need to go to sleep with every night. yourself.

[TBoneTX 43,017]

Also, if the Feds try a surprise home visit, you DON'T need to let them in. Talk to them through a closed door, or step outside to talk and close the door behind you (important). Tell them politely that they may not enter, that they should please leave their contact information with you, and that you'll speak with them or anyone else by proper appointment, just as you have had to do throughout the immigration process so far.

[endofthetunnel 3]

Without proofs of financial comingling, and with us being separated but me willing to affirm it was a real marriage, can anyone give me an idea what his chances are of being approved? It has been 2 weeks since the interview and he hasn't received a denial yet. Didn't find many timelines with interviews. Is there an official term for the white paper the interviewer gave him? What are the best search terms to find cases like mine? The ones I've used haven't given me what I was looking for.

I'm not evil with zero compassion. Perhaps that's why my position is not coming across clearly. I do have some compassion for the guy's situation. But it doesn't erase the craziness of last year. I simply don't want to be near the other party in the craziness for the length of time it could potentially take. He says they don't know and I could delay filing papers...and the thought makes me want to scream or I don't know what.

I have a theory that if they learned about the separation then the lack of evidence would make more sense. If the marriage was in decent shape I would have been thinking clearly about proofs ahead of time and we would have a joint account and his car title in both our names etc. As it is, the only thing with both our names is car insurance. Opinions on that?

Some may speak of what is fair or unfair, but what about what is legal, not just lying by omission, but full out lying. And I am not a good lier. I'm sure a trained immigration person would see right through me and then there might be real trouble. It would be wrong to be too deceptive about the situation.

I guess I'm trying to find a way to explain my position to him, but in a way he can't argue about. After sending a notarized letter, what can I do to be helpful while staying true to myself?

Why would I be interested in helping him justashooter? I don't want to, I want this to all be over so I can heal, and he can go and heal... and whether he can see it or not he knows how to manipulate me. That's how my most important 'no's got ignored or pushed aside (very personal 'no's I will not speak of here). It's too much DRAMAAAAAA! Saying no leads to MORE drama, and if he sees figures out I posted this looking for advice.... more drama. So messed up. I want off this ride...

[justashooter 430]

Why would I be interested in helping him justashooter? I don't want to, I want this to all be over so I can heal, and he can go and heal... and whether he can see it or not he knows how to manipulate me. That's how my most important 'no's got ignored or pushed aside (very personal 'no's I will not speak of here). It's too much DRAMAAAAAA! Saying no leads to MORE drama, and if he sees figures out I posted this looking for advice.... more drama. So messed up. I want off this ride...

reflective listening is just a matter of playing your own words back to you,, condensed. you've done a pretty good job of condensing them, yourself. do what you have to do to respect yourself. you won't be the first one.

[Casprd 167]

Wow. I say follow Justashooter's advice. From what you have said, He is seriously taking advantage of you. Whatever you do, don't join your bank account or give him access to your money. Ditto for renting or anything else. Be upfront with the fact that it was with good intentions but it is just not working now. Don't put yourself and your future at risk trying to help someone who doesn't seem concerned about your well being.

[Bobby+Umit 161]

He has suggested renting a place together but I don't actually live there, make joint bank account, get my name added to his on the car title...all this to create proof and give the impression that everything is just fine.

And that would be misrepresentation - which could end badly for both of you.

I have read about a similar case, where the couple were planning on divorce, went to the ROC - didn't mention it, and they were found out. That ended badly for them. If a I can dig up the link I will post it.

The correct course is to file for divorce, he can ask for a waiver to wait till the divorce is final (delay the ROC), then he can file for his own removal of conditions (with a waiver). You will still be subject to the 864 affidavit though.

He would have to prove the marriage was entered in good faith - but planning about lying about it to pass the ROC speaks volumes in itself.

[rika60607 215]

So he won't impose on his friends, but it's OK to impose on you???/

Just file for divorce and have him move out and take care of himself and his affairs. It is his job to collect evidence for ROC and he will most likely be okay. Write him a letter of support (saying marriage was legit) and kick him out. He should take care of himself instead of dragging you down. Don't lie to immigration.

I feel manipulated. First it was 'give me 20 days to change your mind' then it was 'i don't have enough money to rent somewhere and I don't want to impose on my friends' then the interview date came and no decision on the case and now it's about keeping this address so it looks more like we're living together.

[endofthetunnel 3]

He would argue that the marriage was entered in good faith and if I don't do what I have to to make approval happen, then I am being unfair.

There is some truth to that, but then there is the part about misrepresentation. Hmmmm. I don't know if asking him "do the ends justify the means?"

would mean anything to him.

I am stuck living in the same house with him right now. He comes to me almost everyday and I get this constant barrage of 'help me help me, don't leave me alone in this.' And if the stress by itself isn't making him sick then he is making himself sick. I'm not an evil compassionless person that doesn't mind seeing someone upset, even though he hurt me. You know, it's all these conflicting pressures that make this so difficult.

[endofthetunnel 3]

So he won't impose on his friends, but it's OK to impose on you???/

Just file for divorce and have him move out and take care of himself and his affairs. It is his job to collect evidence for ROC and he will most likely be okay. Write him a letter of support (saying marriage was legit) and kick him out. He should take care of himself instead of dragging you down. Don't lie to immigration.

He's expected me to do all the collecting. Most of 2009 was...tough, at the end of the day I was just happy to have made it, but then there is another day and I would be nervous about that. Day after day. If things had been ok I would have been collecting the recommended evidences, but it was what it was and evidence was the last thing on my mind. Unfortunately I spent my days worried about when we would have another blow up. I wrote something about how he is just the kind of difficult person I do not know how to deal with. That extends to telling him to move out and do this himself. I remember sitting through his tirades last year. I'm not looking forward to another one.

I know he has a hard head, yet I still wonder if he would listen to an immigration lawyer. Aaaand at the same time I don't want to add to the mess by hiring a lawyer.

I found a message on the answering machine today from an immigration officer about scheduling a second interview. Officer sounded nice, and her word choice sounded positive... but that might not mean anything. It's the last 10 days or so of Ramadan and I think he is spending them at the mosque. I'm not going to use the whole ten days to think about this, but I am grateful for some free hours to think, knowing I won't be interrupted by him. Thinking about how I'm going to do this. If I am going to get a lawyer I should look now if there is an interview next week.