emotionally and mentally abused

[crushedheart 0]

Hi! I am ashamed to even post this here but I decided I have to do it now or else I will lose myself in this marriage. I came here with all hopes that i married a good guy. we were friends from high school and we became a couple years after he migrated here. we maintained a long distance relationship for 7 years before we got married in the Philippines, everything was going on smoothly until he brought me here and i got to know hie real self.

He was totally the different person he claims to be when he calls me back when I was still in the Philippines, I never knew about his lifestyle that he valued his friends more than his family. i was pregnant when i got here and i expected that he would want to make up for all the times that we were apart, but no--he would leave me at his whim when his almost all female "friends" call him for a night out even when i beg him not to.

At the time, we learned that I had complications with my pregnancy, i didn't get the support i needed from him emotionally. we lost our baby. he opted to be with the company of his friends, instead of his grieving wife who is thousand of miles away from her family and who has nobody else but him.

We would fight during these times bec i could not understand why he can't be there for me when i bneed him. he has this special female friend whom he confides with everytime who he knows i'm jealous of but he would still talk and text with her even if he knew it would hurt me.

One night, we had one big fight that I attempted to take my own life. and since then, instead of comforting me. he left me crying and didn't come home for days.

i went for a vacation to my aunts and cousins in another state, hoping that when i get back home, everything will be fine. but instead, he didn't call nor text me. the only time he sent me messages was when i told him that i have already booked a ticket for my flight back. he told me ta cancel the ticket coz he didn't want me back anymore. but i still went back coz i wanted to fix our marriage.

but it has already been a year and it has been hell since. He doesn't treat me like his wife anymore. My family talked to him asking his what was wrong... they tried to talk to him to take me back as his wife and for us to fix our marriage... but nobody succeeded. He treats me civilly, he does his own thing and doesn't care about my concerns...

i would beg him. i am doing everything to be a good wife to him but he just couldn't see that.

Now, i think I've had enough. I am thinking of calling it quits already. i want to end the relationship already. I just wabt to be free and happy again before I lose my self and my mind. but what scares me is my status. I am only on conditional residence, i still have to adjust status in October. I know that it's only 3 months away, but I just could not take living in hell anymore.

What should I do? please help...

[lovesherhubby 3]

I am Really sorry he wasn't the man you thought he was!i really don't know what to say,but i know one thing,Do not kill yourself!If he still insisted to be that guy,he might not even care,so why?!...Try to remind him why you fell inlove,And try to do nice things to him,surprise dinner with candles,nice clothes!show him that those women taking him away from his wife are nothing but bad ones!and if you tried all the ways to get him back and to wake him up from what he's in,then i'm afraid he doesn't deserve you!i don't wanna tell you to leave him because he's your husband after all!Maybe give yourself and him another chance of happy marriage,cause one day,he'll find himself sick in bed,barely being able to do anything and the only one that would be there for him is his wife,not any of those girls,cause you know?he married you,if one of those girls were anything that actually mattered,anything more than a one night thing,he would've chosen any of them!you are a good wife,do NOT take your life cause of that,if he's a jerk enough not to treat such a good wife with love,then he doesn't deserve you,but hey,someone somewhere would!someone somewhere is wishing for someone like you!..it's not the end of the world,i bet you can make lots of friends there,and you can call your family,you CAN have a good life,don't take it away!PLEASE!...one day he'll know the good wife you were,and he'll beg for you back,and cry for how he treated you,and pushed you away,and end up dying alone,or with a 'wife' that leaves him for a one night thing JUST LIKE HE DID with you,and he'll be like WOW,that's how much it hurt her!(what goes around,comes around)...Keep trying to be good to him and make him love you and remind him of how he was and how those women don't really care for him,but please don't let him like beat you bad or something!Just take care of yourself,NOTHING deserves to kill yourself over,Come on,even Non-humans deserve to live!Take care of yourself,if not for him then for you,for your family ...Not all people are good,but still not all of them are bad,if your husband afterall turned out to stay the way he is,and stay bad,then there is another husband to you that will be a good one!..Goodluck with him!!and try to smile :)The world is ok :)you deserve to see that ..you are a good person!:)May God help you through all of this!

Edited July 10, 2010 by lovesherhubby

[JS30 0]

I can feel pain you going through and I sympathise with you. If you want to live in US after separation then I would advise you to endure it in oder to lift the condition residence.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

You have a problem. You need his cooperation if you plan to file jointly to remove conditions. Based on what you've said about your relationship, it doesn't sound like you can depend on him to cooperate. If he doesn't go to the interview, or if he goes and bad mouths you to the immigration officer, your ROC could be denied.

If you divorce him then you can remove conditions without his cooperation. You just have to prove you entered the marriage in good faith. The problem is that the ROC can't be approved until the divorce is final, and I seriously doubt you can get a divorce by October. USCIS used to deny a ROC if the divorce decree wasn't included with the I-751, but they've changed that policy. Now, if the divorce decree isn't included then they'll send an RFE for the divorce decree when they get around to adjudicating the petition. You still need to file the I-751 on time, but you've got a little extra time to get the divorce finalized. From now until you file the I-751, plus a few months for USCIS to get around to adjudicating your I-751, plus a couple of months to respond to the RFE. If you plan to go this route, and petition to remove conditions based on divorce, then you need to get started on the divorce right away. If your divorce isn't final by the time USCIS adjudicates the I-751, and you can't provide a divorce decree in response to the RFE, then USCIS will deny the ROC and start removal proceedings. This doesn't mean you'll be deported. You just ask the immigration judge to postpone the proceedings until your divorce is final. The judge usually grants these requests.

Something else to consider - Your divorce will not be automatically recognized in the Philippines. Under some circumstances, it is possible to get a court in the Philippines to recognize a divorce obtained abroad. The general rule is that the marriage must be between a Philippine national and a foreigner, and the foreigner must initiate the divorce. If the marriage is between two Philippine nationals, or the divorce is initiated by a Philippine national, then the divorce won't be recognized. You'd need to obtain an annulment in the Philippines in order for the Philippine government to consider the marriage to be terminated. This becomes relevant if you decide to remarry. If you don't get the Philippine government to recognize the termination of your marriage then you could be considered a bigamist in the Philippines, even though you are legally divorced in the US. You could, theoretically, be arrested for bigamy if you return to the Philippines. It would probably be wise to get the marriage annulled in the Philippines before you remarry in the US.

[rosallas32 0]

NOTHING or NOBODY is worth your health, safety, and mental well-being! Their is NO choice here. I am an American Citizen, I'm married to the most wonderful Filipina in the world. I nor anyone else has the right to treat anyone else in such a manner for ANY reason. Let him explain that to GOD on his day of judgement!!!!!

NOTHING about living or being in this country is worth what you are going thru. You take the best care of YOURSELF that you can, EVEN if that means to return to Philippines. I would MUCH rather live there than sad and abused here. But I'm bias I Love the Philippines. Please protect yourself first and formost! It sounds like he has "AMERICANIZED" thats too bad and unrepairable. Pinoys have so much better family values and respect than Americans. I believe than once you loose your self respect and respect for your love ones you can never regain it or be trusted to find your long earned HONOR.

A lot of people never had it to begin with here, so they couldn't loose what they don't have!!! Please smile in your heart, hold your head high,

and let no one disrespect you again. BE HAPPY life is really shorter than you think. Tonight i will say a special prayer for you. God will listen if you talk to him.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

NOTHING or NOBODY is worth your health, safety, and mental well-being! Their is NO choice here. I am an American Citizen, I'm married to the most wonderful Filipina in the world. I nor anyone else has the right to treat anyone else in such a manner for ANY reason. Let him explain that to GOD on his day of judgement!!!!!

NOTHING about living or being in this country is worth what you are going thru. You take the best care of YOURSELF that you can, EVEN if that means to return to Philippines. I would MUCH rather live there than sad and abused here. But I'm bias I Love the Philippines. Please protect yourself first and formost! It sounds like he has "AMERICANIZED" thats too bad and unrepairable. Pinoys have so much better family values and respect than Americans. I believe than once you loose your self respect and respect for your love ones you can never regain it or be trusted to find your long earned HONOR.

A lot of people never had it to begin with here, so they couldn't loose what they don't have!!! Please smile in your heart, hold your head high,

and let no one disrespect you again. BE HAPPY life is really shorter than you think. Tonight i will say a special prayer for you. God will listen if you talk to him.

Be careful. You aren't going to earn any respect around here by trashing Americans. Most US citizens are proud to be Americans, and wouldn't consider being "Americanized" to be a bad thing. Her husband's behavior would be equally unacceptable if he were a native born US citizen, and no American girl would tolerate it either.

I've heard a lot said about the family values of Asians. While I'll admit that their families tend to stay closer than American families, I've seen them screw other family members worse than many American families who are not nearly as close. Asian family values are different than American family values, but I don't see them as being any better or worse. If you disagree then perhaps the wrong spouse in your relationship immigrated. Why would you bring a spouse to a country if you have such a low opinion of it's values and it's people?

[dluke77 9]

But I'm bias I Love the Philippines. Please protect yourself first and formost! It sounds like he has "AMERICANIZED" thats too bad and unrepairable. Pinoys have so much better family values and respect than Americans.

It might be your opinion that he "AMERICANIZED"; but I'd love to know where your basis is. Yes we have a high divorce rate -- but Philippines doesn't have divorce -- the filipino's I know here and there are alot of them are no different then the filipino friends I visit in the Philippines. They run around on their wifes. The ones I know do it much more blatantly (in bars hanging on girls some with actually publically known girlfriends--well the wife is at home not allowed to go out). I was single (now happily and faithfully engaged now ), but when I visit my filipino friends in Manila they were excited and jumped at the chance to go to the bars, clubs, disco's and cafe's to meet and be with other woman. Infidelity and coveting other woman and mistreating your wife is not half as much of an American thing as in other countries. It's just made more public here in the last 20 years--which is helping reduce the occurance of it too.

[Fandango 1,439]

I can feel pain you going through and I sympathise with you. If you want to live in US after separation then I would advise you to endure it in oder to lift the condition residence.

Are you kidding me? She tried to kill herself.

[dluke77 9]

If I were you... Well I am not so can only give you my opinion.

You could just file for divorce go back to the Philippines or file for waiver of filing jointly to remove conditions and take your chances on being approved for permanent residency. Especially helpful if you can prove abuses by him, even emotional abuse counts. Although, the others are right--better if he files for divorce if he is a citizen (but you said he is filipino--so not sure how that affects the situation--even if he files in the US?)

To those that are stating try to get him to cooperate until the conditional residency is removed and your permanent. Well that is illegal and hopefully your a better person than that.

The other thing you could do is... just keep being his wife and accept the way he is. You can live a happily married life living in an open relationship. Whats good for the goose is good for the gander. Let him know that you genuinely love him and you grew up as friends and are now together as a married couple. Tell him you are there to be a good wife to him and his household (seems that was what he was looking for--someone to take care of his home while he was out and about). So once your house is in order, no need for you to work if your job is housewife, then your evening time can be spent going out with the guy or guys. Have fun enjoy your free time... don't complain to him about going out or this or that about his actions. Just leave him alone to do what he wants but most importantly you live independently and do what you want too... just the same as him. Dress sexy and look good always especially when going out for the evening (watch the movie the Break-up for tips haha). This may bring him around or at least make him want to have a genuine heart to heart with himself.

Something more serious to think about though might be counseling. At least for you if he is unwilling to go. Your value as a person is something you should never have doubts about... unfortunately there is always situations that might make us feel that way. Fortunately, you are in the US and covered or not you can find someone professional for assistance (we didn't need a health care plan to assure us of that).

[DanielParul 50]

Be careful. You aren't going to earn any respect around here by trashing Americans. Most US citizens are proud to be Americans, and wouldn't consider being "Americanized" to be a bad thing. Her husband's behavior would be equally unacceptable if he were a native born US citizen, and no American girl would tolerate it either.

I've heard a lot said about the family values of Asians. While I'll admit that their families tend to stay closer than American families, I've seen them screw other family members worse than many American families who are not nearly as close. Asian family values are different than American family values, but I don't see them as being any better or worse. If you disagree then perhaps the wrong spouse in your relationship immigrated. Why would you bring a spouse to a country if you have such a low opinion of it's values and it's people?

[rlogan 2,036]

The one thing that rosallas32 said that I very much agree with is that nothing and nobody is worth the pain you are going through.

There are so many nice guys, no reason to live near suicide to be with this one.

It sounds like he isn't the slightest bit interested in the marriage so speaking to him about divorce should actually be something you agree on.

Having the AOS in front of you complicates things but divorce seems imminent whether you stay here or go back to the Philippines.

I won't play the lawyer role on the AOS and others have commented on it anyway. But fixing your mind insofar as the long term with him is going to ease the pain of uncertainty and that alone will help your mental health. Obviously in this difficult time you need the support of friends and family instead of vainly hoping your husband is going to comfort you.

It is always darkest before the dawn. You are a good person worth having on earth so never think that the answer is suicide. Joy will return to you later in life and all this will seem a distant past.

[crushedheart 0]

thank you all for your responses,i sincerely appreciate them. somehow i am given hope for myself...

i know that my marriage has already come to an end, accepting it though, is just so hard.

i'll do all the research that i need about lifting the conditions while on the process of divorce and then i guess i have to bring up the issue with him and see what he says.

the process will be another long and painful journey but i am looking forward to being genuinely happy and at peace again...

again, thank you..

[sachinky 464]

I can feel pain you going through and I sympathise with you. If you want to live in US after separation then I would advise you to endure it in oder to lift the condition residence.

Seriously? That's your advice? 'Endure it?' 'Cause the chance to live in the U.S. is worth the destruction of your mental health, self-esteem and sanity?

OP, if I were you, I would've asked for a divorce a long time ago and moved back to my home country where I have a strong support system of friends and family. I am at a loss as to why you wouldn't do the same.

[gina_raluca 14]

OP, if I were you, I would've asked for a divorce a long time ago and moved back to my home country where I have a strong support system of friends and family. I am at a loss as to why you wouldn't do the same.

Obviously, you are not a reference point, and her decision is not for you to understand.

OP: Have you considered talking to a psychologist/therapist about your current distress? You mentioned in your post that you attempted suicide at some point. Especially during this stressful time, it may help you to talk to someone objective about the emotional abandonment/betrayal you are experiencing now. There are lots of free/sliding fee clinics associated with universities that offer training programs in Clinical/Counseling Psychology. If you need help with locating one of these, please PM me.

[crushedheart 0]

i called the family court in my state and asked information about my divorce. I was told that for an uncontested divorce, as long as all the documents are filed properly and in time, i could the decree finalized in in 6 to 10 weeks. there is no separation required and i can file it myself w/o a lawyer... thank god because i could not afford one!

now all i have to do is to muster enough courage to tell my husband about it. please pray for me...