divorce?

[pondering 1]

For the last 12 weeks I have been considering leaving my wife of 2, emotionally up and down years. I'm an immigrant and don't have many 'close' friends to discuss my/our problems. I'm seeking advice.

Situation: I immigrated to the US over two years ago to marry my then long distance girlfriend of 3 years. While dating we saw each monthly, relationship was up and down. We're both in our mid twenties with no kids. We were both committed to the relationship and, as far as I know, we've been faithful throughout.

Problems: Our communication skills are extremely poor. I don't like living in the US (sorry Americans), and she doesn't understand nor does she want to leave. We're both currently unemployed (her since November, I've been unemployed off and on since December as we've been moving around trying to find a good 'fit'). She shows no sign of wanting to work. I find her controlling and my friends and her family have both mentioned how poorly she treats me. On all levels, we share few commonalities (active life, social life, political ideologies, professional aspirations, sex life is, well, kind of weird and unfulfilling (I know she feels that same, etc.). I feel like I can't express myself (hence this post) as I'm both nervous about her reaction (she often attacks my thought processes) and it seems like everything I say or do is a source of contention through which she channels her anger (she's non-violent). Again, when I try to talk about things, she typically walks away to 'get space'. If I try and follow her to discuss about it further, she clamps up and becomes emotional. After several hours or a night's sleep, we both act like nothing has happened (e.g. we got in a fight earlier and she just came to say hi like nothing had happened). Despite my protests, we don't sleep in the same bed anymore. I've always felt that I'm not 'good' enough for her (mostly my intellect). But the main problem is that she's lazy. She'll admit it, but it doesn't change anything.

Looking back, I don't think I wanted to get married, but did it anyways (for lack of options? IDK). She was my first 'serious' girlfriend, but I still think of how much happier life would be with other women; something common throughout our whole relationship. I would like to do a lot more in life (traveling, education (grad school)), but she shows very little interest in these things and ofter posits reasons to the contrary (money, time, etc.).

One thing we did talk about early in our relationship, though, is that if either one of us ever wanted to leave each other, we would do it before we did soemthing that would really hurt the other person (i.e. adultry).

To me, this is very unfortunate, but we both agreed that things may not work (divorce rates). Again, leaving her has always been on my mind and i worry that I'll keep our relationship going and still feel the same way. I feel selfish wanting to leave her, either temporarily (i.e. go back home for a couple of weeks) or permanently.

Happy times are short lived; awkward/angry times dominate our daily lives. We're possibly relocating again in a couple of weeks. I want to take a break to see if marriage is what I currently want/if I should be married to her. I don't know what to do about my feelings. I really believe separating would be the most reasonable choice.

This is my first advice seeking attempt.

[^_^ 5,021]

pursue happiness. divorce? yes!

[SuperDuper! 230]

pursue happiness. divorce? yes!

brilliant advice.

[justashooter 430]

conventional wisdom says try couples counseling. if she refuses to go, try individual counseling. the purpose of either is to allow someone to help you explore your feelings and relationship issues. ideally, at least one of you will walk out with the knowledge that you tried everything reasonably possible. this will shorten the grief period and make the grieving process more complete. it will also help you determine if you have moral basis for divorce, so to alleviate any internal conflict you may have. you must have some, or you wouldn't be posting here at this hour. the process may help you explore your motives and concepts, and may help you establish more meaningful future relationships. the result depends on your willingness to be honest with yourself.

modern wisdom says fark it, and move on.

your choice.

PS, you seem to have a good enough intellect to me, and seem to have good morals, too...

[DEDixon 39]

keep in mind that 40 percent of all US marriages end in divorce but something like 70 percent of all second marriages end in divorce so give this one up on "modern wisdom" and second one probably won't work either.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

**moved from "Off Topic" to "Effect of Major Family Changes on Immigration benefits" as it is a more appropriate location. Though you're seeking advice in general, and not necessarily in terms of immigration, you will get much nicer responses there as the upper forums are more closely moderated**

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I suppose the main question in this: what do you want? Do you want to try and save your marriage? Do you think there's hope there? Are you concerned about your immigration status if you were to divorce your wife? Are you worried about what will happen or how to go about starting a divorce?

Sometimes relationships work and sometimes they don't. Often one or both partners have to change their way of thinking, or change themselves a bit to maintain matrimonial harmony. Some people are really resistant to change, some shouldn't HAVE to change because their partner is emotionally/physically/sexually abusive.

From an outsiders view, based strictly on your posts, it sounds like you have a lot of thoughts going on in your head and no real way to express them and get clarification/release. Sometimes you just need someone to vent to to make yourself not feel so "crazy" and just to actually get the stuff out. Without that release the anger and resentment can just build and it becomes hard to really distinguish unhappiness in the relationship, from unhappiness "in the moment".

Here's what I think:

- You said you really don't like living in the US. Is this because you are currently unemployed and unhappy in your relationship? Are you simply homesick? Or are you REALLY unhappy in the US and MUST move back to your country? You said your wife REFUSES to leave the US, this seems a pretty big impasse if you really MUST leave the US and she refuses to... one of you will need to decide

- Unemployment and money stress is a HUGE relationship strain. Money issues are one of the main reasons for divorce and I can completely understand that because I hate not working. Being so transient (moving around a lot) wouldn't be helping either, it's not allowing you to set down roots and start building your life there. At least in your home country you know where "home" is (usually). Right now it's just a big mish-mash of places you either don't know or don't like. That's very stressful.

- Some people fight in different ways. Personally I like to sit and think a while because I hate those fights that escalate out of anger. My husband needs "time". We discussed prior to marriage this difference. We both agreed that no matter what we would never go to sleep angry so that's what we do. The difference between fighting methods is more or less irrelevant, it's the lack of respect for eithers "needs" during an argument that matters. Not resolving arguments just allows things to build up which I think is your issue with your wife's method and I agree it's not a healthy way of doing things

- You said she's controlling. In what ways? Does everything HAVE to be her way? Does she not listen to your opinion at all? It is possible for guys to be emotionally abused. This is how it started with my ex.. the controlling and then the anger when I didn't comply.

- Your sex life and the fact you're no longer sleeping in the same bed are most likely connected. It could be she's trying to push you away.

- You said you think about other women and how much "better" it would be. It might not be. It very well COULD be. This is the "grass is greener on the other side" mentality. You have seen from this relationship how over time things can and do change. The next girl could be worse, the one after could be better... The main thing you have learnt from this relationship (if it doesn't work out) is what you DON'T want in a partner, and what you're not willing to put up with.

- You have goals in life and you feel trapped in your current relationship. You wife should be supportive of your goals, but you should also realise that some of her opinions COULD be valid. Right now you're unemployed. Not the best to start planning a long trip, or paying school fees. It could well be that you're the one ignoring the current realities of life, and are now feeling trapped because you feel she's holding you down.

All in all it looks like you're having no trouble finding the faults in your relationship. Whether that's because you really want out and are thinking rationally, or whether you're trying to find things to explain how you really feel, which is that you don't want to be with her anymore. Maybe you don't love her. Maybe there's no "real" reason for it and you don't have to validate your reasons. You just need to know it's your decision and it's one you will need to live with.

Sometimes breaks in a relationship cause more harm than good. You're never REALLY having a break. Perhaps you should consider going to your home country for a while (if possible). Whether under the guise of a sick family member, or whatever so that you have time to be at home, relaxed and thinking.

Best of luck with your decision.

[GabiandVi 34]

Normally my thinking would be if you can't make the first marriage work, you probably won't be able to make the second one work either. But that's usually when people talk about "growing apart" or "not being in love anymore." However, it sounds like your marriage never really was a good marriage and that neither of you were very much "in love" to begin with. Chances are all that anger and mistreatment of you is her unhappiness showing through as well.

I agree with what others have said about counseling and "conventional wisdom" but I'm not sure if it really applies in this marriage. However, I don't see how it would hurt to try before you take that final step.

Best of luck to you. And her. I hope you make the right choice and that you find happiness. You might both want some counseling on an individual basis regardless of what you decide or if you get marriage counseling.

[TracyTN 237]

Looking back, I don't think I wanted to get married, but did it anyways (for lack of options? IDK). She was my first 'serious' girlfriend, but I still think of how much happier life would be with other women; something common throughout our whole relationship. I would like to do a lot more in life (traveling, education (grad school)), but she shows very little interest in these things and ofter posits reasons to the contrary (money, time, etc.).

Getting married for a 'lack of options' isn't a good reason to marry, nor is it a very sound basis on which to start a life together. It almost sounds like you were setting yourselves up for failure if this was your attitude (is she aware that you feel this way?). I suppose you could seek counseling, but if you didn't marry her because you love her and couldn't imagine your life without her, I'm not really sure what therapy could do for you.

[USAand OZ 2]

I was married for 34 years. Take it from me don't stay with someone if your not happy. I had some great times in my marriage but also some bad times. I stayed because I kept thinking, I wouldn't know what to do, how would I survive on my own, I felt sorry for the other person I was going to hurt if I left. Unfortunately he never felt sorry for me and when I did decide enough was enough and that happiness is more important and healthier I saw a side of someone I lived with with for 34 years become a person I never thought exsisted...Don't stay if your unhappy, don't make my mistake leave and find someone who will really care for you and make you happy like I have.

All the best

[Ellie-and-David 38]

If you can really see no good outcome to this, then you have to do what is right for you.

It sounds like you have given this situation a great deal of thought. You never know, she might just be waiting for you to make a move... not wanting to let you know that she feels the same way. You gave up a great deal to immigrate to the US, and she may be feeling guilty about that.

Good luck to both of you.

[Gemmie 142]

I think Vanessa hit the nail on the head with all of the points.

Some of the things you said suggest that you weren't ready to be married. If your communication styles are different, that will cause problems, as well as issues such as what happens if you don't settle into the US, what about your personal goals, differences in beliefs etc.

It sounds like you're both feeling similar emotions, or at least thinking the same things, hence why your wife tends to seal herself off after a fight and bury her head in the sand. Obviously you've been thinking a lot about this, but I think it's time you discussed all of that with her. Take a time when you're both emotionally neutral, sit her down, and explain how you're feeling, and ask her how she feels about it all. Chances are, you'll get a better idea once you're not screaming at each other and she's not walking off.

You might find that you both want to make it work and come up with some ideas. Perhaps she doesn't realise how it makes you feel when she puts down your goals for the future. Maybe you'll agree that your unstable lifestyle of moving frequently isn't doing your relationship any favours. You might fall upon the realisation that you still haven't settled into America and you still have feelings of resentment about that.

Or you might find that it's simply come to an end, and you've both been torturing yourselves with the idea for a long time.

Edited June 24, 2010 by Gemmie

[rika60607 215]

If you are not happy, you should leave... it is not fare to her. Set her free and she will find someone who will adore her and who will be everything she ever wanted. And if not, then may she she needs to take a hard look at herself.