Death

[Sayha or bust. 71]

Hopefully this question is not too stupid. My wife to be celebrates the passing of her grandmother and husband each year in April with big dinners for about 200 people in her village. When she come to the states should we celebrate by cooking and honoring her loved ones? She is Khmer Krom and I want her adhere to her cultures here even though she is married to an American.

[Leafgal 3]

I don't see why you can't cook special dinners in honour of those that have passed, nothing wrong with blending of both cultures.

[Krikit 1,163]

I agree with Leafgal. Traditions are a part of what makes us who we are. If this is something she would like to continue to do, then I would go along with it.

Moving your topic from Introducing Our Members to Your New Life in America.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Hopefully this question is not too stupid. My wife to be celebrates the passing of her grandmother and husband each year in April with big dinners for about 200 people in her village. When she come to the states should we celebrate by cooking and honoring her loved ones? She is Khmer Krom and I want her adhere to her cultures here even though she is married to an American.

This is not stupid at all. I think this is very supportive of you to help her maintain an important tradition from her homeland here in the US. One's culture and heritage are still important even when living in a different country and recognizing her need to continue some of these traditions will only add strength to your relationship.

[Sayha or bust. 71]

We really haven't talked about it. I was hoping some one from ethnic background could help me answer it. I'm up for it or at least send money back to Vietnam to help pay for the event.

[Kathryn41 3,205]

We really haven't talked about it. I was hoping some one from ethnic background could help me answer it. I'm up for it or at least send money back to Vietnam to help pay for the event.

Then ask her how she would like to proceed . Let her know you will support whatever she wishes - either to continue the tradition here in the US or to send financial support to someone (probably a family member?) to continue the tradition back in Vietnam.

____________________________

Since you are requesting input from people who are familiar with Vietnamese culture, I am moving your topic again, this time to the Vietnam Regional Forum .

Edited April 2, 2010 by Kathryn41

[BinhJerome 14]

I would do both if possible, but see what your wife wants to do first and foremost. If you send money back that would be appreciated by the entire family, then if you cook a special dinner in the states, that would be both special for you and for her as well as the other family that know you are doing that. Either way it is a win win situation, it helps show her family that you do care about her culture, as well as it helping you to experiance it as well. Jerome

[lindal24 1]

It's a little different here than it is over there. In Vietnam they have an annual wake in honor of the dead, and it is a BIG celebration.

Here in the US, my family doesn't do a wake, instead, we typically just light incense and pray and make offerings (just like the do in Vietnam). I think the major difference on whether to do tables and have food and everything is because over there, everyone knows everyone. Here, it's just primarily immediate family, therefore, no big celebration. My mom sends home money for the wake in VN. You should ask her what her preference is, but I"m sure she'll be fine with just sending home money.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Most VN people where I live continue the tradition when they're in the US. It's more than just honoring the memory of the relative. The Vietnamese believe that the dead relatives continue to exist on another plane, and that they continue to affect the lives of their family. Paying homage to dead relatives is a way of helping those relatives meet their needs in their other world, and that the dead relatives will therefore help the living have good fortune in their own lives.

This has been an integral part of VN culture for more than a millennium, and goes beyond religion. They generally pay homage to the dead relatives on every day of celebration, and especially on the anniversary of their death. My wife has a large extended family, both in VN and in the US. In VN, the family members usually celebrate on the anniversary of the dead relative's death. However, in the US they often postpone to the following weekend so that all members of the family in the area can come by and pay their respects. I've been to at least a dozen of these affairs. It's a great chance to get to know family.

Thinking more pragmatically, you might talk to her and see if she'll want to set up an altar for her relatives once she arrives in the US. If she's a Buddhist, she may want to set up two altars. Unless you live in an area with a large Vietnamese population, it's unlikely she'll find the things she'll need to adorn her altar(s) here. Even if she can find them, they're a lot less expensive in Vietnam. Find out what she's expecting, and what she'll want, and plan to do some shopping in Vietnam to get what you'll need.

[Bernie C 24]

I agree - not a stupid question at all! Some choose to observe and maintain traditional and cultural activities and beliefs and some do not.

I feel it is important to do this for us. I not only fell in love with my finacee (oops - my wife now of 2 days ) but I also fell in love with the traditions and culture of the people.

We came home to the US in January and missed Tet. We did not have much time to prepare but me found a little store here that is owned by a Vietnamese man and we got a traditional square cake. We also gathered some things and had a little celebration.

We are going to make a few alters and do our best to maintain the traditions.

Everything takes time and some things are difficult to come by here but I will put forth my best efforts to honor and respect the traditional and cultural activities and beliefs.

I am hoping we can return to Vietnam each year for Tet to be with her family, relatives and friends too. For now we are taking things one step at a time.

[luckytxn 2,263]

We send money back to help the family pay for the party. Make sure the females get the money though for the party as they will ensure a proper blend of food and beer gets consumed.

[hniHnitsuJ 8]

It's a little different here than it is over there. In Vietnam they have an annual wake in honor of the dead, and it is a BIG celebration.

Here in the US, my family doesn't do a wake, instead, we typically just light incense and pray and make offerings (just like the do in Vietnam). I think the major difference on whether to do tables and have food and everything is because over there, everyone knows everyone. Here, it's just primarily immediate family, therefore, no big celebration. My mom sends home money for the wake in VN. You should ask her what her preference is, but I"m sure she'll be fine with just sending home money.

In US = My family always pay respect to the dead of my Dad. My mom has a BIG celebration every year for the last 6 years. Inviting family and friends (60-80) over for the party. Traditional and cultural are always remain in our blood even we been live in US more than a decade. (living in OC-CA)

In VN = My mom sending the money home for my relative to memory the death of her dad and mom every year.

Good luck.

[Sayha or bust. 71]

Thanks for the the advice, I've been trying to purchase items for the alter, but being from Eastern Iowa we have a large Vietnam community but only a handful of Khamer Krom being that there into Theravada Buddhism the statues are different so I will have to travel to the Chicago or wait until I go back to Vietnam in August and bring one back. I have plenty of time to prepare for her arrival. We talked about it last night and with no family in America other than the her old neighbor, we will be sending money back to her mother. She is very devout in her buddhism and traditions and being a country(rural) girl she has not experienced a lot of what the big city woman do. She was amazed at all the technology when we visited Saigon, to me it was like being in most big cities other than the fact a half a million moto's on the the streets. Thanks once again.