Getting her out of vacation mode

[baron555 934]

So tried to approach the subject, maybe I used a poor choice of words, but at the end she said something along the lines of "I feel guilty for not being able to work"

Well if you feel guilty about not working, the way to feel less guilty is to do more around the house.

**blank stare**

Ok, so I holding back bedroom privileges until some things around the house get done. Let's see if she notices.

Bringing everyday troubles into the bedroom is a sure way to begin the end of the relationship. Good luck and think clearly about what you are doing.

Is it worth losing the relationship just because she doesn't do the laundry? It could be that you two are not a good match. Good luck.

[1HappyGuy 45]

Withholding bedroom privileges? What, is she sleeping on the couch? Are you crazy or just mean. It sounds like the two of you need a little outside counseling. Nothing too big, but maybe you just aren't communicating as much as you think.

If you have a friend that speaks both languages fluently, then use them to help open up your lines of communications. But, you have to be willing to accommodate the changes she's experiencing. Am I correct that she's only been here for 3-4 weeks? If that's the case, then lighten up. Give your new relationship some time.

[Trompe le Monde 1,107]

So tried to approach the subject, maybe I used a poor choice of words, but at the end she said something along the lines of "I feel guilty for not being able to work"

Well if you feel guilty about not working, the way to feel less guilty is to do more around the house.

**blank stare**

Ok, so I holding back bedroom privileges until some things around the house get done. Let's see if she notices.

I think there might be a lot more issues built into her saying that than you realize. Without knowing anything about your wife, was she a provider for her family back home? Did she leave behind a job she loved? Has she struggled with money?

If any of the above are true your response was probably not helpful for her.

[Danno 1,228]

"Withholding Bedroom Privileges"?

Sound like thats the only room in the house she might be getting something done and you want to

put a damper on it?

[Steve S 2]

"things like ultra wash vs. permanent press, or air dry vs. normal dry didn't translate well"

I don't understand all those different laundry modes in English, anyway! I have no clue what "permanent press" means, or what I am supposed to do if I have a mixture of clothes that are wrinkle-free shirts, delicates or t-shirts/underwear -- so I just choose "regular" for everything, and I pick the dryer setting that isn't so hot that it shrinks all my clothes.

[SuperDuper! 230]

Bedroom privileges? What are those?

slim, you seem to be a little slow tonight, so I will spell it out to you. Just two words to process, so focus.

"Magical #######"

Wrap your head around that, and you will understand.

Peace.

[Brad and Vika 129]

"things like ultra wash vs. permanent press, or air dry vs. normal dry didn't translate well"

I don't understand all those different laundry modes in English, anyway! I have no clue what "permanent press" means, or what I am supposed to do if I have a mixture of clothes that are wrinkle-free shirts, delicates or t-shirts/underwear -- so I just choose "regular" for everything, and I pick the dryer setting that isn't so hot that it shrinks all my clothes.

My point exactly She also didn't have a "dry machine" in Ukraine - so the concept of shrinking cotton clothes was new as well. Makes for an amusing conversation (once).

[slim 1,514]

Yes. Very unreasonable. There's no reason you should be expecting her to contribute anything at all to your household or relationship. You're lucky she's there and you're privileged to have her in your presence. Whatever she "allows" you to have or do that includes her is merely a gift from above. Cherish it.

Slim, I do think your tongue is planted very firmly in your cheek.

No, those are actually quotes from my wife.

Ok, so I holding back bedroom privileges until some things around the house get done. Let's see if she notices.

Good luck with that

Seconded.

Withholding bedroom privileges? What, is she sleeping on the couch? Are you crazy or just mean. It sounds like the two of you need a little outside counseling. Nothing too big, but maybe you just aren't communicating as much as you think.

I sleep on the couch just about every night. We communicate all the time. I say something and then she yells at me for a long time.

If you have a friend that speaks both languages fluently, then use them to help open up your lines of communications. But, you have to be willing to accommodate the changes she's experiencing. Am I correct that she's only been here for 3-4 weeks? If that's the case, then lighten up. Give your new relationship some time.

Yeah, mine's been here 3 years so we have more communication now. Her and her friend both like to yell at me in Russian and English so not only do I have twice as much yelling... I have two languages!

slim, you seem to be a little slow tonight, so I will spell it out to you. Just two words to process, so focus.

"Magical #######"

Wrap your head around that, and you will understand.

Every time I try to wrap my head around some magical #######, I end up sleeping on the couch - alone.

[akdiver 3]

Without an EAD one can not work legally.

Not true.

My thought process was if you are not out in the work force, that you should be doing work at home. Just some little things, nothing major like re-painting the house.

This is true.

Am I unreasonable to expect some of these things to be done?

No.

Furthermore, she can VOLUNTEER her time. This will allow her to develop localized job skills, practice language if needed, and cultivate references for the eventual job search. My wife was here for all of a month before she came up with idea all on her own, simply to relieve boredom. It worked out well for her. Within 6 months of her arrival, she got a job making about $35K/year (with full benefits, including 50% off a masters program for BOTH of us). Within 3 years of her arrival, she completed a masters degree and got a job making $60K/year. It all started with her initial volunteering, which got her a reference for the first job.

Good luck!

Edited October 24, 2009 by akdiver

[SuperDuper! 230]

Without an EAD one can not work legally.

Not true.

My thought process was if you are not out in the work force, that you should be doing work at home. Just some little things, nothing major like re-painting the house.

This is true.

Am I unreasonable to expect some of these things to be done?

No.

Furthermore, she can VOLUNTEER her time. This will allow her to develop localized job skills, practice language if needed, and cultivate references for the eventual job search. My wife was here for all of a month before she came up with idea all on her own, simply to relieve boredom. It worked out well for her. Within 6 months of her arrival, she got a job making about $35K/year (with full benefits, including 50% off a masters program for BOTH of us). Within 3 years of her arrival, she completed a masters degree and got a job making $60K/year. It all started with her initial volunteering, which got her a reference for the first job.

Good luck!

This is a wonderful testimonial. New immigrants dont need to sit around watching tv and waiting for something to happen. Volunteering spreads good cheer, and opens many doors for future employment. Thanks for sharing.

[visaveteran 1]

It's hard to know enough to make good comments with little data, but I have a feeling this woman may be a younger lady from a larger city. My hypothesis is the younger the woman is, and if from a larger city, the closer to being American-like in her behavior. This means lazy, uncooperative, and may use the sexual withholding game. Underneath most every behavior is a power play or control move. The battle is on for who's the boss.

My wife is old enough to still remember the days of the Soviet Union and the hardships. She is also a "village girl." Since her arrival in the USA she has done virtually all the housework and cleaning duties without any prodding. A brief lesson in the laundry room and she does all the laundry work. I have not done any cooking or dish cleaning since her arrival.

If you have yourself a young, lazy wife, you have a serious problem, IMJ. Behavior modification is not likely when someone is already an adult, and "talking" will do very little at this point unless you can speak fluent Russian or she speaks fluent English. Even then, I have not found talking to do much except prolong the inevitable.

I do judge that Russian women like strong, decisive men who act masculine. Set the boundaries. Hand out the work list. Enforce what you demand.

[eekee 182]

Visaveteran, FFS. I'm 23 and AMERICAN and I do things around the house AND go to work. Your generalizations are ridiculous.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Without an EAD one can not work legally. My thought process was if you are not out in the work force, that you should be doing work at home. Just some little things, nothing major like re-painting the house.

Granted most likely I set things on the wrong course by saying, "Enjoy your time off while it lasts. Soon, you will have to get a job and no more free time." Ok, it has been a few months and now is time to get off the couch and do some stuff. When I ask you what are you going to do today, and your reply is, "nothing sit around the house." My thought is don't sit around ~ do something!!!

This is what I want her to do, but trying to think about what is the best way to say it without losing bedroom privileges.

1). Get organized in the job searching arena. Decide what you want to do, and research possible jobs. Just because you can't actually apply for the job doesn't mean you can't do market research. And if you want to change career fields, research what is required and find out all the details.

2). You make dinner, great, lovely.

3). Use the washing machine, for my clothes too!!!

4). Vaccuum, some ironing, wipe down the shower and tub.

Granted if she was working a full time job, I wouldn't be thinking these things. Am I unreasonable to expect some of these things to be done?

You have to tell/ask her to do this? Is she an Amwrican imposter? Brad, help me out here, I have no experience with Belorussian women.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Visaveteran, FFS. I'm 23 and AMERICAN and I do things around the house AND go to work. Your generalizations are ridiculous.

Actually, his generalizations are spot on.

[Minya's wife 24]

I do judge that Russian women like strong, decisive men who act masculine. Set the boundaries. Hand out the work list. Enforce what you demand.

How exactly do you propose that the OP enforce his demandsitholding sex, or, since witholding sex and/or 'threatening to send her back' don't work?