Princess Peach: The Worst Woman in Videogames

[Trumplestiltskin 5,791]

After watching a balls-to-the-wall, action-packed episode of the "Ultimate Fighting Championship," writer/activist Andrea Dworkin once said, "Sexism is the foundation on which all tyranny is built. Every social form of hierarchy and abuse is modeled on male-over-female domination."

But if you read that to Princess Peach, she would simply giggle and wave a parasol at you while asking if you had seen her other pink outfit. You know, the super-short skirt she wears while shooting hearts out of her wrists playing tennis. Or maybe she'd ask if you wanted a piece of the cake she had baked for her man of 25 years who never gets closer than a sterile kiss on the cheek.

Princess Peach is the worst woman in videogames.

A head of state whose biggest decision in life has been "let men handle things," Peach is a woman of immense potential power who refuses to use any of it.

Obviously, she's worse than strong female characters such as Beyond Good & Evil's Jade or Metroid's Samus Aran. But she's also worse than sold-for-sex caricatures like Lara Croft, Mai Shiranui, or any woman ever touched by Tecmo (oh god, Samus, no!).

Neither a feminist nor sexy, Princess Peach falls into that category of creepy 47-year-old aunt who loves pink and spends all her time waiting for the guy in the Nora Roberts novel to sweep her off her kankles.

We've got a lot of terrible to cover, so let's get started.

5. She Sets Back Women 200 Years

What's with the pink thing? How old is Peach, four? I hope not, because then my entire sense of what a woman looks like is way off.

Even Zelda -- another princess with a penchant for getting kidnapped -- knows how to put on a formal gown. I'm not saying that women have to dress nice, but when you're the monarch of an entire kingdom, it's probably a good idea to be more royal than Molly Ringwald once in a while.

You know, like you're the 15th richest fictional character of all time.

But she doesn't always wear pink dresses, guys. That would be silly. Instead, sometimes she'll wear pink short skirts.

Because you want to look good when playing tennis with the guy who tried to kidnap you and force you to marry him.

Right now I'm going to talk to the Princess directly.

You know what you do when you go-kart with Bowser? You make Detective Stabler cry.

Every night he's out there catching perps who force women to do horrible things they don't want -- even sacrificing his marriage to do so -- and you laugh in his face by inviting King Koopa to join you for a friendly game of soccer.

You know how you can tell you're an awful role model for little girls?

When you have the same strategy to keeping herself safe as a lonely housewife in a porno: Lay there and get some greasy plumber to take care of business.

Leading me to my next point.

4.) She Leads Mario On

I know it seems counter-intuitive to say Peach sets back women and then accuse her of being a tease. But really, she's the one who sucks; I don't have to explain myself.

Mario's been saving Peach for 25 years. That's almost as long as Weird Al has been making albums. And you know what? It took him some time, but Weird Al got married. Mario's still chomping at the bit while Peach offers him a nice cake. Or a vacation to another place where she'll get kidnapped.

Seriously, when is she going to make it happen? Maybe Mario isn't the best-looking guy. He looks like a lot of the people reading this site right now. But it's either him or deformed-head dwarfs who only wear vests.

Think of the hundreds of millions of people who have played Super Mario games. And then multiply that by how much you think they suck at them. Mario has died that many times.

He has burned to death in hot lava. He has been eaten by giant flying fish. He has fallen to death. Oh, god, has he fallen to death. And each time, he's been resurrected by magic he can't possibly begin to understand with his CUNY Brooklyn associate's degree in plumbing.

Only to be rewarded with a kiss on the cheek.

If you're saying that Mario only does it for the fun of adventure, wait until you hit puberty. It's going to mess you up, kid.

You know why Mario went missing in '93? Because he needed to get laid to let out all that pent-up frustration hovering around in his no-no special uh-oh.

3. She Has a Bunch of Pointless Castles

Princess Peach has at least nine castles. Nine.

One is some sort of awful art gallery filled with giant paintings of places she's been kidnapped. The other eight are kind of hard to tell apart because her interior designers have given each of them a sublime flaming-lava-and-death-traps theme.

Speaking of which: Do you know where castle defenses work best? On the outside. Flaming lava and death traps would be a great way to keep out giant dinosaur monsters if you put them around the castle or, like, in front of the door. Something.

How do you even get hot lava inside a castle? Do you bring normal rocks into a castle and then melt them? Or is there some sort of giant lead tub carried by slave Toads who bring it in? How do you keep the lava hot? Wouldn't that heat, mixed with the air conditioning system, make the whole castle smell like ####?

Do you know why people invented castles? Because monarchs wanted to keep other monarchs from murdering them to death. Peach is lucky she only gets kidnapped by a horny dinosaur. Otherwise, some power-hungry Toad could easily stab her with one of her eighty umbrellas and toss her into the lava to hide all the evidence.

If she had some sort of contemplative capacity beyond "I like vanilla," Princess Peach would create proper defenses around her castles, with a standing army of Toads who attacked the enemies' kneecaps (they're not that tall).

Of course, she would do that. But you have to remember...

2. She's a Terrible Monarch

Besides "Fashion is Fun," has Princess Peach ever made an actual decree as a ruler? Some sort of law protecting her people from turtles? A non-binding "thank you" to Mario for saving her people? Anything?

Here's an example of what Peach does as head of state.

During the financial crisis of the '80s, a couple Toad economic advisers came to Peach and said, "We've got a problem. Stocks aren't doing well. We need a way to spread out the money so it doesn't all disappear at once."

After concentrating as hard as she could, she replied, "Hehe! Silly, if you want to spread out our money, why not just brick up coins in walls throughout the kingdom? Someone get me a wine cooler! Spring Break at Delfino Island! Wooooo!"

She put all the country's money into brick boxes.

Whenever Mario or Toad or the other five people living in the Mushroom Kingdom need buy something, they actually need to break their skulls on baked clay in order to get the scratch. What kind of hatred does she have for her people to demand they suffer incredible brain damage just to get enough money to buy baby formula?

Hey, I've got an idea. Why not just put all the money in bullets while firing them at people? And then tax them thirty-percent to pay for all that lava in your castle. If the people don't like it, just fire even more money at them.

They don't care; they're mushrooms. They're just as stupid as she is.

But Peach's personal weakness is even more pathetic because it's feigned.

That's right...

1. She Can Actually Defend Herself

If I had the upper-arm strength to smack Mario off a cliff with a sidekick, I think I'd be all set on defending myself.

Yet she doesn't use that power. She could easily escape from Bowser on her own. He's slow and clumsy. She's fast and can fly. That "and can fly" part is important, because she's the only member of the Mushroom Kingdom who can do it naturally.

Mario has to break his head on brick structures in order to find an outfit that lets him glide eight feet. Peach can bend her legs in mid-air and do the same thing. For her it's that easy.

If Bowser tries to grab her, she could literally hop and just glide over him until she reaches the safety of somewhere that's not the Mushroom Kingdom.

Or she could take her parasol and smash his frickin' face in. Have you seen her with that umbrella? She swings with more power than Vince Vaughn.

Not to mention Smash Brothers has shown us she can also spit fire with a fire flower and can also turn big with a red mushroom.

The woman is perfectly capable of defending herself.

But she doesn't. Because she's a lazy bum who won't do anything to protect herself except scream, "Mario!" Why do something for yourself when there's a man waiting to do it? That wouldn't be very ladylike. GIRLS RULE! BOYS DROOL!

And don't tell me she saves herself in Super Mario 2. That was a dream. Mario had a dream where his friends actually lifted a finger for once in their miserable lives to help him save the world.

And it was the best dream he ever did have.

Then we woke up, put on his overalls, and got beaten to death by the Hammer Brothers.

http://www.gamespy.com/articles/100/1005645p2.html

[meowmeowmeow 0]

who the hell took the time to actually write this out? it's amusing, sure, but damn what a waste of time LOL

[_Simpson_ 250]

After watching a balls-to-the-wall, action-packed episode of the "Ultimate Fighting Championship," writer/activist Andrea Dworkin once said, "Sexism is the foundation on which all tyranny is built. Every social form of hierarchy and abuse is modeled on male-over-female domination."

But if you read that to Princess Peach, she would simply giggle and wave a parasol at you while asking if you had seen her other pink outfit. You know, the super-short skirt she wears while shooting hearts out of her wrists playing tennis. Or maybe she'd ask if you wanted a piece of the cake she had baked for her man of 25 years who never gets closer than a sterile kiss on the cheek.

Princess Peach is the worst woman in videogames.

A head of state whose biggest decision in life has been "let men handle things," Peach is a woman of immense potential power who refuses to use any of it.

Obviously, she's worse than strong female characters such as Beyond Good & Evil's Jade or Metroid's Samus Aran. But she's also worse than sold-for-sex caricatures like Lara Croft, Mai Shiranui, or any woman ever touched by Tecmo (oh god, Samus, no!).

Neither a feminist nor sexy, Princess Peach falls into that category of creepy 47-year-old aunt who loves pink and spends all her time waiting for the guy in the Nora Roberts novel to sweep her off her kankles.

We've got a lot of terrible to cover, so let's get started.

5. She Sets Back Women 200 Years

What's with the pink thing? How old is Peach, four? I hope not, because then my entire sense of what a woman looks like is way off.

Even Zelda -- another princess with a penchant for getting kidnapped -- knows how to put on a formal gown. I'm not saying that women have to dress nice, but when you're the monarch of an entire kingdom, it's probably a good idea to be more royal than Molly Ringwald once in a while.

You know, like you're the 15th richest fictional character of all time.

But she doesn't always wear pink dresses, guys. That would be silly. Instead, sometimes she'll wear pink short skirts.

Because you want to look good when playing tennis with the guy who tried to kidnap you and force you to marry him.

Right now I'm going to talk to the Princess directly.

You know what you do when you go-kart with Bowser? You make Detective Stabler cry.

Every night he's out there catching perps who force women to do horrible things they don't want -- even sacrificing his marriage to do so -- and you laugh in his face by inviting King Koopa to join you for a friendly game of soccer.

You know how you can tell you're an awful role model for little girls?

When you have the same strategy to keeping herself safe as a lonely housewife in a porno: Lay there and get some greasy plumber to take care of business.

Leading me to my next point.

4.) She Leads Mario On

I know it seems counter-intuitive to say Peach sets back women and then accuse her of being a tease. But really, she's the one who sucks; I don't have to explain myself.

Mario's been saving Peach for 25 years. That's almost as long as Weird Al has been making albums. And you know what? It took him some time, but Weird Al got married. Mario's still chomping at the bit while Peach offers him a nice cake. Or a vacation to another place where she'll get kidnapped.

Seriously, when is she going to make it happen? Maybe Mario isn't the best-looking guy. He looks like a lot of the people reading this site right now. But it's either him or deformed-head dwarfs who only wear vests.

Think of the hundreds of millions of people who have played Super Mario games. And then multiply that by how much you think they suck at them. Mario has died that many times.

He has burned to death in hot lava. He has been eaten by giant flying fish. He has fallen to death. Oh, god, has he fallen to death. And each time, he's been resurrected by magic he can't possibly begin to understand with his CUNY Brooklyn associate's degree in plumbing.

Only to be rewarded with a kiss on the cheek.

If you're saying that Mario only does it for the fun of adventure, wait until you hit puberty. It's going to mess you up, kid.

You know why Mario went missing in '93? Because he needed to get laid to let out all that pent-up frustration hovering around in his no-no special uh-oh.

3. She Has a Bunch of Pointless Castles

Princess Peach has at least nine castles. Nine.

One is some sort of awful art gallery filled with giant paintings of places she's been kidnapped. The other eight are kind of hard to tell apart because her interior designers have given each of them a sublime flaming-lava-and-death-traps theme.

Speaking of which: Do you know where castle defenses work best? On the outside. Flaming lava and death traps would be a great way to keep out giant dinosaur monsters if you put them around the castle or, like, in front of the door. Something.

How do you even get hot lava inside a castle? Do you bring normal rocks into a castle and then melt them? Or is there some sort of giant lead tub carried by slave Toads who bring it in? How do you keep the lava hot? Wouldn't that heat, mixed with the air conditioning system, make the whole castle smell like ####?

Do you know why people invented castles? Because monarchs wanted to keep other monarchs from murdering them to death. Peach is lucky she only gets kidnapped by a horny dinosaur. Otherwise, some power-hungry Toad could easily stab her with one of her eighty umbrellas and toss her into the lava to hide all the evidence.

If she had some sort of contemplative capacity beyond "I like vanilla," Princess Peach would create proper defenses around her castles, with a standing army of Toads who attacked the enemies' kneecaps (they're not that tall).

Of course, she would do that. But you have to remember...

2. She's a Terrible Monarch

Besides "Fashion is Fun," has Princess Peach ever made an actual decree as a ruler? Some sort of law protecting her people from turtles? A non-binding "thank you" to Mario for saving her people? Anything?

Here's an example of what Peach does as head of state.

During the financial crisis of the '80s, a couple Toad economic advisers came to Peach and said, "We've got a problem. Stocks aren't doing well. We need a way to spread out the money so it doesn't all disappear at once."

After concentrating as hard as she could, she replied, "Hehe! Silly, if you want to spread out our money, why not just brick up coins in walls throughout the kingdom? Someone get me a wine cooler! Spring Break at Delfino Island! Wooooo!"

She put all the country's money into brick boxes.

Whenever Mario or Toad or the other five people living in the Mushroom Kingdom need buy something, they actually need to break their skulls on baked clay in order to get the scratch. What kind of hatred does she have for her people to demand they suffer incredible brain damage just to get enough money to buy baby formula?

Hey, I've got an idea. Why not just put all the money in bullets while firing them at people? And then tax them thirty-percent to pay for all that lava in your castle. If the people don't like it, just fire even more money at them.

They don't care; they're mushrooms. They're just as stupid as she is.

But Peach's personal weakness is even more pathetic because it's feigned.

That's right...

1. She Can Actually Defend Herself

If I had the upper-arm strength to smack Mario off a cliff with a sidekick, I think I'd be all set on defending myself.

Yet she doesn't use that power. She could easily escape from Bowser on her own. He's slow and clumsy. She's fast and can fly. That "and can fly" part is important, because she's the only member of the Mushroom Kingdom who can do it naturally.

Mario has to break his head on brick structures in order to find an outfit that lets him glide eight feet. Peach can bend her legs in mid-air and do the same thing. For her it's that easy.

If Bowser tries to grab her, she could literally hop and just glide over him until she reaches the safety of somewhere that's not the Mushroom Kingdom.

Or she could take her parasol and smash his frickin' face in. Have you seen her with that umbrella? She swings with more power than Vince Vaughn.

Not to mention Smash Brothers has shown us she can also spit fire with a fire flower and can also turn big with a red mushroom.

The woman is perfectly capable of defending herself.

But she doesn't. Because she's a lazy bum who won't do anything to protect herself except scream, "Mario!" Why do something for yourself when there's a man waiting to do it? That wouldn't be very ladylike. GIRLS RULE! BOYS DROOL!

And don't tell me she saves herself in Super Mario 2. That was a dream. Mario had a dream where his friends actually lifted a finger for once in their miserable lives to help him save the world.

And it was the best dream he ever did have.

Then we woke up, put on his overalls, and got beaten to death by the Hammer Brothers.

http://www.gamespy.com/articles/100/1005645p2.html

I am a woman hear me roar!. Funny how she mentions her action packed night of watching UFC.

Shes a extremist, nothing to see here move along.

[DeadPoolX 9]

who the hell took the time to actually write this out? it's amusing, sure, but damn what a waste of time LOL

That just about describes this message board (or at least the OT forum).

I am a woman hear me roar!. Funny how she mentions her action packed night of watching UFC.

Shes a extremist, nothing to see here move along.

I don't think she's an "extremist." She makes some good points. As a video game character, Princess Peach is just about worthless -- unless you use her in a comedic manner. She lives to play the "victim" and get rescued. Sure, she saved Mario once (and only once), but her main weapon consisted of an umbrella while wearing a frilly pink dress. I could think of far better outfits and weapons to use when adventuring.

Princess Zelda (also mentioned in the article) not only looks better (or at least dresses better) and can actually fight. In the more recent Legend of Zelda titles, she can fight nearly as well as Link and she's far more powerful when it comes to magic. Zelda can also transform into Sheik, which is very useful in games like Super Smash Bros Brawl.

Samus Aran (once again, mentioned in the article) is probably the single most popular female lead character in the history of video games. She can fight, she's smart, she has an awesome suit of armor and when she takes it off to become "Zero Suit Samus", she's pretty damn sexy without ever venturing into "####### territory."

So complaining about Peach makes sense. Well, about as much sense as complaining about any fictional character.