Love advice, LIVE on VJ!

[SpiritAlight 1]

This is the only perfect relationship around here!

Ah yes....mmmm...the unconditional love between a human and their pet.

Especially a kitteh!!!!!!!!!

[trailmix 77]

Ha.. I did that, too. Read over some of the emails from way back when. Our "courtship" days.

I don't mind a bit of dry humour but what I can't stand is someone who justifies being a jerk by being sarcastic and making back handed "jokes" at others. And then when they see you are hurt or upset.. they say "Hey -- I was just joking!" I hate that!

This reminds me of someone else I know Brown eyes (but I might be off base and not understanding).

I know this person, she has been living with this guy for, about 3 years I think it is. ^^^^ This is what he does. Example: We all go out for breakfast one morning and - sheesh - I can't remember exactly what he said - but he plays the waitress - being sarcastic and getting her to answer some dumb question. Then when she leaves the table he makes fun of her. I did say something to him.

On top of that, he isn't very nice to the person I know either. Always taking jabs for no good reason, putting her down in front of other people (this did not go over very well, she is a family member and - let's just say it was frowned upon).

FFwd 3 years after they start dating, she broke up with him about 2 months ago - because he couldn't curb his tendency to always bring her down - he did try, but it would only last like a week and he would be back to his old ways.

Now I am not saying this is YOUR Husband - because I don't know him - i'm just saying, if I am indeed understanding you correctly, that I have seen this in play before.

[SpiritAlight 1]

I cannot hold back in such situations.

When someone I am with is rude or sarcastic to a waiter/waitress, I let them have it!

These people are here to serve us; you will be good to them...etc etc.

grrrrrr....

[SpiritAlight 1]

Something I just found that seems amusing.

Check out this book about the history of marriage:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.p...toryId=94189389

A quote from the article:

(almost offensive, and funny still)

"Man's realization of his comparatively minor role in baby-making put him in an existential pickle. He had to find a way to preserve his power over those cunning female incubators. It wouldn't be easy. Across the next several centuries, he had to cope with some tough broads: Eve, Jezebel, Lucretia, Helen of Troy."

Personally I still admire what Emma Goldman had to say on the topic of women and marriage...

[T.O_2_FL 0]

I can see where everyone is coming from about marriage/relationships.

For my husband and I, we were friends since 1999 so we had spent vacations together with other friends/family and I also stayed for 3 months prior to us getting married to see how things would fare....

I do believe that there can be more than one match out there for people...after all that's why people have ex girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands and wives. I see it more as what you're willing to put up with. It may sound corny but I've found that if something really meshes such as two people in a relationship then it's really effortless. Things happen naturally. My husband and I haven't had a big fight yet.....we have had a little spat here and there but nothing that's not solved with a big hug or a little humor added.

I know if anything were wrong in our marriage that would make me doubt things, I would definitely looking into a Marriage Counsellor/Therapy. We had a talk about this before we got married and both agreed that we would try our best and all means to make things work.

[brown_eyes 0]

Trailmix, my wonderful man isn't like that... he'd get a club to the head from me if he was.

I was just venting about people that justify that kind of behaviour. Good on your friend for ending it with that creep. Sometimes I think that it takes some major life-changing thing to get people to change being that way. Losing the love of your life is up can really shake up things, too.

I have a gf who's bf is a class A jerk and they've been together for 6 years now -- I actually have distanced myself from her since the last time we all got together. He outright treated me like ####### in front of her and other friends and she didn't really seem to notice/care and almost justified his behaviour later when the two of us were driving home. I was so upset and cried and cried to my bf on the phone when I got in. I just didn't understand... I would be livid if I saw my man disrespecting any of my friends!

[antda 13]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you all for the warm welcome in this message thread and for all your helpful replies!!! Wow, there was certainly a lot of insight, knowledge, and advice that I gained from what you all wrote. It certainly is good to have a new prespective from others about my situation and from other's situations too.

So, let's see if I have this right. From what I learned from everyone so far, based on the messages I've read:

-Analyze the issue and see the lessons from it. Life is an educational process.

-Look at the silver lining

-Problems and issues help bring up character and provide better relationships to grow from

-Be stronger with newfound knowledge

-Life is not an easy road

-Life is beautiful

-Life is a lot of fun

-Be sweet and patient

-Thinking about/focusing on relationship/love

-Focus energy on using humour

-Changing how one speaks to another

-Have long conversations

-Future holds promise

-Live in the now

-Take action

-Ask the hard questions

-Find a path, build a bridge, be together real and true

-Be gentle with yourself

-Look at old e-mails, communications, etc. of courtship days

-Know each other better

-Not feel guilty that relationships are not perfect

-Prefect is boring

-We can all grow with a little bit of stress thrown in

-Try the best and by all means to work things out. Consider therapy if need be.

Did I miss anything and/or misinterpret anything?

Thanks everyone! I hope too, that your relationships work out for the best, and may we all learn from each other, in order to grow and be better.

Ant (Enlightened, inspired, thankful....)

I find the best thing for me to do is to take each disappointment/issue and to analyze it to see what lesson can be learned from it. In part, I view life as an educational process. When something happens, I will look for the silver lining. (And, if at all possible, the humour and the irony in a situation. lol) I ask myself.... What did I need to know that I did not know before? How can I apply that lesson to what I say and do in the future? How can I use this information to become a more understanding and less judgemental person? Then I tuck it away and carry on, and make sure that I apply what I've learned in my everyday life.

Problems and disappointments and issues and devastations help us to build character and can, in fact, provide for better relationships as we each learn and grow. The trick is to take what you've learned and become stronger with the newfound knowledge. Some people cannot do this and will self-implode as they make their way through life in a downward spiral; some will continue to make the same mistakes, over and over again, because they cannot, or will not, learn the lesson being offered. We all know someone like that. Life is not an easy road, that's for sure. But it sure is beautiful. And fun. Lots and lots of fun.

Welcome Ant.

I like what Krikit has to say.

She is sweet and patient.

I am not so patient...with myself, neither.

My sweetie and i have had more than our share of outside tragic events since I got here.

And we have not handled them well at all.

Was it Walt Whitman that said,

With so many people to love, why do I worry about one?'

And so...

I am here in this one, and have been saying in this forum that I have been feeling like a fish out of water.I have many ideas up my sleeve and have been implementing them.So far? Well, things are shifting, and I am using sometimes intense focused energy and most times my sense of humour.

I laugh with others about me and my situation, and I cry or get angry about it with my sweetie.

This is the big shift for me..to bring that into our conversations. And for him the big realization is that he needed to change how he speaks to me. Hahaha!

I have both sides of the brain firing all at once and I choose the more creative synapses to pay attention to...because it is way more fun.

And he is so left-brain-oriented, so analytical...

So we are on a path that is more in line with the long conversations we had when we first met.

One that will allow me to be me and him to be him and the future holds some promise.

Although this does not mean that I will ignore the now...not ever.

I live in the now.

We all do.

It need attention.

If all the external problems kill all the bliss, which is where I have found myself, it is time for some radical action!

That is what I am doing.

I have asked the hard questions.

And so far, some of them have been answered to my heart's satisfaction.

Does that mean all is perfect?

No.

And a lot is better, so...

for now, tic toc tic toc....and find a path, build a bridge, and be together...real and true.

(Corny, huh?)

a reminder from a friend:

BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF

Ha.. I did that, too. Read over some of the emails from way back when. Our "courtship" days.

I think that it's such an imbalance to want the perfect relationship when we are not perfect. I'm really working on simply getting to know my partner better because we are fortunate to have that time before we start the visa process.

People, we need not feel guilty for not thinking our relationships are not perfect.

...

Who wants a perfect relationship, anyway? That would be so BORING! We only grow as individuals and couples when there's a little bit of stress thrown in.

I can see where everyone is coming from about marriage/relationships.

Things happen naturally. My husband and I haven't had a big fight yet.....we have had a little spat here and there but nothing that's not solved with a big hug or a little humor added.I know if anything were wrong in our marriage that would make me doubt things, I would definitely looking into a Marriage Counsellor/Therapy. We had a talk about this before we got married and both agreed that we would try our best and all means to make things work.

[antda 13]

Oh, I almost forgot (someone else mentioned about this too)

-Hugs can solve problems

So, (((hugs))) (I couldn't find a "hug" icon) to everyone too...

Hi Everyone,

Thank you all for the warm welcome in this message thread and for all your helpful replies!!! Wow, there was certainly a lot of insight, knowledge, and advice that I gained from what you all wrote. It certainly is good to have a new prespective from others about my situation and from other's situations too.

So, let's see if I have this right. From what I learned from everyone so far, based on the messages I've read:

-Analyze the issue and see the lessons from it. Life is an educational process.

-Look at the silver lining

-Problems and issues help bring up character and provide better relationships to grow from

-Be stronger with newfound knowledge

-Life is not an easy road

-Life is beautiful

-Life is a lot of fun

-Be sweet and patient

-Thinking about/focusing on relationship/love

-Focus energy on using humour

-Changing how one speaks to another

-Have long conversations

-Future holds promise

-Live in the now

-Take action

-Ask the hard questions

-Find a path, build a bridge, be together real and true

-Be gentle with yourself

-Look at old e-mails, communications, etc. of courtship days

-Know each other better

-Not feel guilty that relationships are not perfect

-Prefect is boring

-We can all grow with a little bit of stress thrown in

-Try the best and by all means to work things out. Consider therapy if need be.

Did I miss anything and/or misinterpret anything?

Thanks everyone! I hope too, that your relationships work out for the best, and may we all learn from each other, in order to grow and be better.

Ant (Enlightened, inspired, thankful.... )

[trailmix 77]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you all for the warm welcome in this message thread and for all your helpful replies!!! Wow, there was certainly a lot of insight, knowledge, and advice that I gained from what you all wrote. It certainly is good to have a new prespective from others about my situation and from other's situations too.

So, let's see if I have this right. From what I learned from everyone so far, based on the messages I've read:

-Be sweet and patient

I don't think you have to be sweet and patient (but it probably doesnt hurt)

I believe Spirit said that krikit is sweet and patient, which she is

Edited September 5, 2008 by trailmix

[SpiritAlight 1]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you all for the warm welcome in this message thread and for all your helpful replies!!! Wow, there was certainly a lot of insight, knowledge, and advice that I gained from what you all wrote. It certainly is good to have a new prespective from others about my situation and from other's situations too.

So, let's see if I have this right. From what I learned from everyone so far, based on the messages I've read:

-Be sweet and patient

I don't think you have to be sweet and patient (but it probably doesnt hurt)

I believe Spirit said that krikit is sweet and patient, which she is

Awwww, thanks Trailmix.

And yes being sweet and patient are wonder-full virtues.

To be those things when in integrity and not because one is acting them out for fear of killing the other.

Bahaha!

Oh, I kill me sometimes....

As for your long list of what you learnt at this VJ School for Love, nicely done Ant...especially your sign off and emoticon with the light bulb!

Maybe we could invent awards or certificates for those of us that transcend the day-to-day slog and find true joy in the little things.

Yessss!

[T.O_2_FL 0]

In any relationship it's a 2 way street.....you can't be the only one doing all those things mentioned.....the other half has to contribute to it as well....

My favorite analogy that I always use for a relationship is

A relationship is like an engine in a car...

You have to maintain it, check the oil, change the oil....

When I first heard that analogy a long time ago, it made so much sense to me....but then again it may not make sense to others...I could just be having a case of the Friday babbles...

[Emancipation 2]

I'm afraid I'm not very deep at all.. most of this conversation goes way over my head..

Perhaps it's my life that I have lead that has left me jaded..

I now just look for respect.. pure and simple.. someone who is as passionate about the things that light my heart on fire as I am (the more the better) and who will accept me with all my flaws and insecurities..

When hubby & I met.. that first weekend we climbed a mountain together.. about 2/3rds the way up we were exhausted but I REALLY REALLY wanted to reach the top.. I looked at him and wondered if he'd go all the way with me.. something inside me said "ask him if he wants to go to the top... and his response will be a clear indicator of his approach to life and your marriage"... and i did.. and his reply was perfect... "well.. we've come this far.. we might as well go the rest of the way"... I hugged him (almost took him to the ground), and every day since then his attitude and approach to life has been the same way.. we've come this far.. might as well go all the way..

[thetreble 19]

I guess I'm here to put my two cents in. When I was younger and began to write, I was quite an idealist. I didn't know what my future was going to hold for me, but I knew I wanted to have someone in my life who loved me in a very deep manner.

Almost 10 years later I have a much more real sense of what love entails and what kind of work you must put into anything, especially a relationship.

I'm not going to sit here and give you an answer full of rainbows, lollipops and sunshine. I do have arguments with my husband which we try to resolve promptly and in the best way we can, even if it's not the easiest way. I do shout some times. I have cried. Most of it is really frustration over adjusting to what is essentially an entirely new life.

While we all try to focus on the positive, let's face it, we all have ups and downs and some of them are extreme. To me the reality is that we have to just get over it. If my husband and I have an argument, we both urge each other to calm down and get over it because it probably really isn't that big of a deal. Some times the way I feel or see things is skewed, and vice versa.

I'm not inherently sweet or patient. (insert image of 50s stepford wife) I'm very saucy and inappropriate at times.

I realize, as I grow, that men are from mars and woman are really from venus. That my husband will never think or feel or act like me. I know what buttons to push on my husband to hurt him deeply, or sensitive issues, but would never use them.

I do not expect my husband to hold deep conversations with me. Most men hide their feelings or don't express them very well. I let him express them in his own way, and never beg for more emotion than I get.

However, what I do know is that in weathering the storms that we have weathered, I still feel so incredibly happy and fortunate to have found someone to put up with me!! haha I hold nothing against my husband, always try to let stuff go (even if its not right away) and I just generally love spending time with him.

I guess my platform (as if I'm running for Pres.) is that our approach to relationships and life, as well as the advice we give others, has to be realistic. My sister in law to be is always asking me if marriage changed me and she wants to get married so bad thinking any problems she had before will go away. I tell her time and time again that marriage is not a fix for problems, whether personal or relationship orientated. What ever problems you had before, usually they will only multiply after marriage!!

Edited September 5, 2008 by thetreble

[MrsCat 6]

lovely sentiments thetreble

[thetreble 19]

why thank-a-you catty