Fear of it not working out

[Gemmie 142]

All completely normal, of course. Bill is always telling me the same thing whenever I go on a worried frenzy. He says that we will make it work because we've worked too hard to just give up on any problem that may come up.

And I agree that you have to look at the best and worst outcomes. If I do this, the worst thing would be that we have problems like any other couple and we'll work through them; or I'll hate living in the US and we'll work something out. If I don't do this, I could miss out on being with the best thing that ever happened to me.

Edited July 29, 2008 by Gemmie

[paothao 0]

My fiancee is also from the Philippines, n I made it a point to stay there for a few months and live with her to make sure that ya we could deal with eachother. Ofcourse not every one has those liberties. But what i can say to you is she needs to have her own life when she gets here. Send her to school or if she is already a professional make sure she finds work. She will be living in America so do your best to integrate her to America. Don't let her rely on all these other Pinays that came here and married foreigners as her only friends. If you don't think she will be capable of adjusting to your way of life, then it is a bad idea. Yes it's a risk, but if you're having second thoughts, then maybe it's not such a great idea for you at the moment. For me I can so WOW I am so in love with my woman. We have had many long serious conversations and we have been through bad and good. We already had our fights and stuff when we lived together so it wasn't like you said a vacation. I made it a point to do simple things with her and see how she reacted. We would just take long walks through Makati at 1 in the morning. It just flowed. Some days we just stayed at the condo and she read a book while I traded stocks. Without these simple things, I think I might be in the same boat as you. Coz ya, life ain't all fun and games.

Had no fear, when you married someone, there is a risk involved. Everything you do in life has a risk consequence. Good luck and follow your heart!!!!

[Laura+Tom 2]

Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen. We all have fears and I asked my SO what if he hates it here? He said "then I leave" with a shrug.

Don't sugar-coat it, Matt, just say it like it is!

Fair play to the bloke!

I should have gone on to say he follows that up with "It will work, I will make it work and I won't hate it there, now stop WORRYING, you worry too much."

I wonder where I've heard that before?! I'm like 'what if I can't find a job I like, you know how long it took me to get this one' or 'what I don't like where we live?'. He keeps telling to stop worrying and that it will be fine. It's strange, one day I'll be like I'm sooo excited, the next I'll be omg what am I doing? Sometime's it only takes one little thing for me to swap between the two. I think it's mainly because I'm not going to be able to visit the area before I move there for keeps. Even though we will both be in the same boat, I tend to worry more than Tom.

Edited July 29, 2008 by LauraUK

[Damian P 92]

Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen. We all have fears and I asked my SO what if he hates it here? He said "then I leave" with a shrug.

Don't sugar-coat it, Matt, just say it like it is!

Fair play to the bloke!

I should have gone on to say he follows that up with "It will work, I will make it work and I won't hate it there, now stop WORRYING, you worry too much."

I wonder where I've heard that before?! I'm like 'what if I can't find a job I like, you know how long it took me to get this one' or 'what I don't like where we live?'. He keeps telling to stop worrying and that it will be fine. It's strange, one day I'll be like I'm sooo excited, the next I'll be omg what am I doing? Sometime's it only takes one little thing for me to swap between the two. I think it's mainly because I'm not going to be able to visit the area before I move there for keeps. Even though we will both be in the same boat, I tend to worry more than Tom.

That's an interesting point, Laura - has he been the one to make the trans-Atlantic crossings, then? Exclusively? Or is it just that he's moved to a new area? Either way, you definately wanna check it out first before actually living there.

I lived with 'er indoors for 2 years in the one-horse, shitsplat town she lived in. I made it crystal clear that if we were going to do this, then we would have to move somewhere more civilised and she agreed. We shall see what actually transpires if and when bloody CSC ever get their act together.

[nata1 0]

You never really know anybody unless you live with them, it doesnt matter how much phone/IM communication you have. So what if things dont go like we thought? Does anyone here ever think about this? Does anyone know of this happening to anyone?

If you can not trust someone from overseas / other country. Please, stop looking a gril friend or wife from other country. Just married a women from USA who does not need an immigrant visa. That's my 2 cents.

[Laura+Tom 2]

Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen. We all have fears and I asked my SO what if he hates it here? He said "then I leave" with a shrug.

Don't sugar-coat it, Matt, just say it like it is!

Fair play to the bloke!

I should have gone on to say he follows that up with "It will work, I will make it work and I won't hate it there, now stop WORRYING, you worry too much."

I wonder where I've heard that before?! I'm like 'what if I can't find a job I like, you know how long it took me to get this one' or 'what I don't like where we live?'. He keeps telling to stop worrying and that it will be fine. It's strange, one day I'll be like I'm sooo excited, the next I'll be omg what am I doing? Sometime's it only takes one little thing for me to swap between the two. I think it's mainly because I'm not going to be able to visit the area before I move there for keeps. Even though we will both be in the same boat, I tend to worry more than Tom.

That's an interesting point, Laura - has he been the one to make the trans-Atlantic crossings, then? Exclusively? Or is it just that he's moved to a new area? Either way, you definately wanna check it out first before actually living there.

I lived with 'er indoors for 2 years in the one-horse, shitsplat town she lived in. I made it crystal clear that if we were going to do this, then we would have to move somewhere more civilised and she agreed. We shall see what actually transpires if and when bloody CSC ever get their act together.

Tom is currently in Bahrain and will be going to a new base in Alabama in February. Because we are sending of the I-129F in August there is every chance (looking at timelines) that my interview will be around Jan/Feb/Mar time therefore not giving enough time for me to go and see him. We are kind of playing it by ear so a visit may be possible. There is also an issue with my leave entitlements, so far I've had three weeks off this year to see Tom in Bahrain and then when he has two weeks R&R in PA next week. Really we just have to wait and see.

[baxxy 0]

If you can not trust someone from overseas / other country. Please, stop looking a gril friend or wife from other country. Just married a women from USA who does not need an immigrant visa. That's my 2 cents.

If only life were perfect !!!

[ronjie 0]

Forget the stats and the odds.. There is no 100% guarantee for a happy marriage based on stats.

Another reason I'd like to see some stats is because there are SO many filipina women that have been married before and have difficulty getting out of the previous marriage(s), (as witnessed on here) based on that fact alone the success rate doesnt seem to be too high, im a little concerned that a lot of these women (mine included) just want a green card. From what I can see, she loves me very much, but i cant help but have a little doubt. I'm very sceptical when it comes to this, I have one failed marriage already (not a foreigner) I certainly dont want another one.

insecurity and doubt will cunsume you worse than cancer.

[baxxy 0]

Forget the stats and the odds.. There is no 100% guarantee for a happy marriage based on stats.

Another reason I'd like to see some stats is because there are SO many filipina women that have been married before and have difficulty getting out of the previous marriage(s), (as witnessed on here) based on that fact alone the success rate doesnt seem to be too high, im a little concerned that a lot of these women (mine included) just want a green card. From what I can see, she loves me very much, but i cant help but have a little doubt. I'm very sceptical when it comes to this, I have one failed marriage already (not a foreigner) I certainly dont want another one.

insecurity and doubt will cunsume you worse than cancer.

on NO you didn't LOLOLOLOL...

[Ovaltine Jenkins 5]

I hear you, but again, when you see each other for very short periods of time, your always on your best behaviour, i dont think its an indicator of what real life is going to be like.

So stop pretending and be real with each other. If you have so many doubts about yourself, her and your relationship maybe you should slow down cuz you might not be ready. Besides, why would you propose to someone if you say you don´t know each other well? Concerning your original post, I don´t even think that when you live with someone for a while it gives you the status "now I know them". You can live with someone and after some time find out you are living with a complete stranger. It´s all about honesty. If you just pretend something all the time, it doesn´t matter if it´s via messanger/cam or in the same house.

[melusine 5]

Alright... for my 2 cents....

About tallcoolone comment, my first reaction (because i already read that many many times and was shocked before )... this time my first reaction was more.... AHH!! you think that ! Well good luck !

But anyway, about your concern Baxxy, it's very understandable and at the first place wanting her as an equal (and not as a maid, cook etc) is a good start.

Like many said before me.. you guyz need to spend time together !!!! waayy less costly now than if it ends up in divorce, affidavit of support for 10 years etc.

Something i did with my sweet was that we both bought a book about 1001 questions to ask before getting married (pink book) and it brought up subject you don't necessarily think and might light up a couple of cultural difference... and let her answer first so she will say what she feels and will not try to adapt to your answer.

In our couple, having talked in advance to what might happen, make things waaayyy easier when things do happen.

Also (and i don't want to be blasted about it) i think that to find someone in the same age range you have mean just more success than a 20 yo from the philippines with a 60 yo from US.... that would be dumb to think a GC or $ have nothing to do with it.

[baxxy 0]

Alright... for my 2 cents....

About tallcoolone comment, my first reaction (because i already read that many many times and was shocked before )... this time my first reaction was more.... AHH!! you think that ! Well good luck !

But anyway, about your concern Baxxy, it's very understandable and at the first place wanting her as an equal (and not as a maid, cook etc) is a good start.

Like many said before me.. you guyz need to spend time together !!!! waayy less costly now than if it ends up in divorce, affidavit of support for 10 years etc.

Something i did with my sweet was that we both bought a book about 1001 questions to ask before getting married (pink book) and it brought up subject you don't necessarily think and might light up a couple of cultural difference... and let her answer first so she will say what she feels and will not try to adapt to your answer.

In our couple, having talked in advance to what might happen, make things waaayyy easier when things do happen.

Also (and i don't want to be blasted about it) i think that to find someone in the same age range you have mean just more success than a 20 yo from the philippines with a 60 yo from US.... that would be dumb to think a GC or $ have nothing to do with it.

I will certainly check that book out, thanks for the tip melusine. Good pointer also about asking her the questions first, she usually is the one to ask me most of the time anyway. Also, your comment about the age thing, I agree 100%, (I mean seriously I've seen couples on here where the USC is old enough to be their grandfather, ) oh and don't worry about getting blasted, it's your opinion and you're entitled to it, the thing about people on here who "blast" are either 1) people who post something and ask what you think, then when you say what you think and they don't like your answer you get blasted or 2) you hit close to home, it's a fear that they have inside and you voice it, thats a big no no lol... then they get mad and start ranting at you . I also am planning another trip over there soon.

[Ovaltine Jenkins 5]

So if he lets her answer everything first then it´s still easy for him to keep pretending and adapt to her answers I think they should both answer it at the same time so the other person could see the other one´s answer at the same time

[InQuiet 0]

It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.

Nice n mushy, however to me thats a load of *bleep*. I dont think you would be saying that if it came time for a divorce and you have to dish out more money, not to mention what you could lose. So not only would you be losing your "love" but a lot of other stuff that you love too.

When I met my gal in China, we were in pure bliss the entire time. We had the chemistry. I've been in love before in varying degrees. One can still love without the so-called "chemistry" with one another, but having that feeeling that you belong together without reservation is the chemistry I speak of. No little voices always trying to tell you something is wrong. This is the bliss aspect. When you were together did you feel like life was offering a new beginning? Did you miss her something terribly when you flew back home? Did you laugh at the silliest of things, feel comfortable when no words were spoken? Hold hands more often than not? Silly questions ? Maybe. But these are a few of the things love brings. If not then maybe you were just "on vacation".

You seem to be looking for validation of something no one can offer. If you love her, you know it. If you have severe reservations about whether or not it will work, then STOP. It seems you're thinking of yourself more than her. Do you love each other ?????? You need to clarify this one way or another. The mind can be your best friend or worst enemy. Decide what you're going to do then do it. Save yourself and her allot of misery. Statistics? Come on.

One more thing: A flower ceases to be a flower when examined petal by petal.

[Kiv 32]

One more thing: A flower ceases to be a flower when examined petal by petal.

Excuse me ... I am steeling this one !