Habibi Has Arrived!

[AlHayatZween 2]

Salaam everyone,

Hope this post finds you well. i just wanted to share the good news and ask for a little insight...

Habibi arrived 4 days ago via JFK... Alhamdulilah. He passed through immigration and customs no problem, got the work stamp, and everyone was really very nice to him. I am so thankful for that...

We are getting settled and i'm so happy he's here... but it's really hard. We are bickering all the time (mostly about $$ and his smoking, which is about his health and more $$), and i find myself asking if we will really be able to do this? It's not him... he's my Habeeb (except for the excessive smoking habit that somehow increased over the past year ) (i don't mind a few here and there), it's me... i'm the one taking issue with everything, and i'm starting to doubt that i'm even cut out for marriage. It's only been 4 days... is this normal for 4 days? i thought we'd at least have "honeymoon period".

i'm quite upset and find myself sad a lot of the time... and that can't make anything easier for him... he traveled a million miles just to be with me.

hz

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

Congrats on your hubby getting here and I definitely understand the smoking issue... Adam smokes and makes me soooo worried for healths sake, then the $$ factor too... I think its a normal feeling for you bcz you seem (like I did kinda) to expect him not to smoke or smoke so much when he got here and surely hes seeing a new life here and that stresses him so he smokes more... I think its normal but ya'll gotta talk about it and you be honest and share you feelings with him... but dont expect him to change his smoking factor over night ! but again, I think its normal please take care and dont over stress!

We are getting settled and i'm so happy he's here... but it's really hard. We are bickering all the time (mostly about $$ and his smoking, which is about his health and more $$), and i find myself asking if we will really be able to do this? It's not him... he's my Habeeb (except for the excessive smoking habit that somehow increased over the past year ) (i don't mind a few here and there), it's me... i'm the one taking issue with everything, and i'm starting to doubt that i'm even cut out for marriage. It's only been 4 days... is this normal for 4 days? i thought we'd at least have "honeymoon period".

i'm quite upset and find myself sad a lot of the time... and that can't make anything easier for him... he traveled a million miles just to be with me.

hz[/font][/color]

[Nothing1234 2]

You guys need time to settle into a groove first...I think everyone goes through this...you are NOT alone. They move to be with us....have a new life here...leave all their family behind and are so stressed out as well. It's so hard...don't sweat small things...take it one step at a time... Get thru settling in and the new life, finding a job, then concentrate on other things...smoking habits, cleaning, etc. Money is a big stress so best of luck to you but take a deep breath and know that things will settle down...keep your head up!

[~*Dorothy*~ 2]

Congrats on your husband's arrival - at least you got the waiting part behind you.

I'm sorry that you are getting to this rough start. It's not easy for either of you and I'm sure that you will find your "groove" pretty soon. I might not be the best person to give you this advice as my relationship is far from stellar but I believe that things do get better with time. Be good to yourself and try to be patient with your husband - believe, I know that it's not easy as even now 2 years down the road I am still questioning if I am made for marriage...

The first months are the hardest as the adjustment is happening on both sides. I hope that you will find your peace and that your relationship will improve with time.

Sorry I can't provide more words of wisdom - just my personal experience. ((((HUGS))))

Dorothy

[brnidokiegurl 0]

consider also if you were used to living alone, this point alone can be stressful

[~*Dorothy*~ 2]

consider also if you were used to living alone, this point alone can be stressful

Excellent point

[emt103c 10]

The first couple of days (even weeks) can be really tough. . .my husband has been smoking a bit in his first couple of weeks ( and normally he doesn't smoke at all.)

Remember that it is much more stressful than we expect for them as new immigrants. My husband was born in Pakistan but is a Canadian citizen AND has lived in my city before, and it is still causing him to be a wreck!

For him it is the uncertainty of working or not being able to find a job, and for those first few days they spend almost all their time with us, which can be an overload. . .and is probably contributing your your emotions right now. You also mention money problems which probably heightens both of your stress levels too.

Take a deep breath and give it a little time. . .every day is a decision. From the sound of your message, you really love him, living together just takes a bit of time to get used to when you first get started.

Good luck! I hope things get better soon. (especially with the smoking. . . .that's getting on my nerves too!)

Edited July 23, 2008 by emt103c

[Henna Rose 0]

Well ~ I really can't offer any advice other than remember that Allah is with you both during this transition period

[Nasturtium 500]

I think for them it *can* be a double whammy of not only the whole immigration but loss of thier place in the world... which is very stressful. No matter how your Dh acts, he has grown up with certain social and cultural expectations to which he has more or less conformed to the best of his ability. He moves here, and not only is he alone and surrounded by a weird language, different music, etc, but he known no one except you, a girl, and his family is not just there for him always. his network of support is missing. He may have little experience with adjusting to this kind of thing before. he may also be facing the shock that he cannot fulfill the roles which he grew up with at the moment, and his gender issues can come out-- I know it has been hard for my husband at time and for other women's husbands whom I knew becuase they felt that they were not able to adequately "be men" as it were-- work, support, be independant, be a leader. I'd also like to stres that is also jsut plain being an adult as well-- imagine if you were sequestered in a strange country where you couldn't even figure out where the grovery store was and didn't drive, didn't have your own place, didn't have your oown stuff... you'd be pretty frustrated after a while.

It can be stressful for you because you are used to having things in a cerain social order yourself and this new person not only is intruding on your order, but he is likely not acting as you envisioned. Don't worry about it unless it turns very negative-- such as violent, etc. Adjustment is hard and varies from person to person. Some epople have a very smooth adjustment-- I know my husband and I were kind of tense for 2-3 weeks but then we calmed down and were fine.. but... he got a job the second week he was here and also he had lived apart from his family before for 4 years when he went to college.

[Nagishkaw 510]

Excellent post as usual Julianna, and also great advice.

[~*Dorothy*~ 2]

I agree with Nagi - Julianna, you have some great insight on the subject

[Nasturtium 500]

I think for them it *can* be a double whammy of not only the whole immigration but loss of thier place in the world... which is very stressful. No matter how your Dh acts, he has grown up with certain social and cultural expectations to which he has more or less conformed to the best of his ability. He moves here, and not only is he alone and surrounded by a weird language, different music, etc, but he known no one except you, a girl, and his family is not just there for him always. his network of support is missing. He may have little experience with adjusting to this kind of thing before. he may also be facing the shock that he cannot fulfill the roles which he grew up with at the moment, and his gender issues can come out-- I know it has been hard for my husband at time and for other women's husbands whom I knew becuase they felt that they were not able to adequately "be men" as it were-- work, support, be independant, be a leader. I'd also like to stres that is also jsut plain being an adult as well-- imagine if you were sequestered in a strange country where you couldn't even figure out where the grovery store was and didn't drive, didn't have your own place, didn't have your oown stuff... you'd be pretty frustrated after a while.

It can be stressful for you because you are used to having things in a cerain social order yourself and this new person not only is intruding on your order, but he is likely not acting as you envisioned. Don't worry about it unless it turns very negative-- such as violent, etc. Adjustment is hard and varies from person to person. Some epople have a very smooth adjustment-- I know my husband and I were kind of tense for 2-3 weeks but then we calmed down and were fine.. but... he got a job the second week he was here and also he had lived apart from his family before for 4 years when he went to college.

I should never type without my contacts lol.

[Nasturtium 500]

I hope no one gets in a bunch over the cultural and gender issues... it applies to everyone. As an American woman, I have certain ideas as to what I *should* be doing that makes me a woman and how things should be at home, and how a man should act, and all of those things. These do vary person to person within a culture, but there are some over-riding stereotypes we do all hold to in a somewhat cohesive nature as a culture.

Culture, defined anthropologically, is a set of beliefs and adaptations in relation to the environment which helps you to survive. An example of this would be placing your houses on stilts in a high-mosquito area and keeping your animals below your home as "traps" as it were. Eventually, this is just considered normal and the reasoning behind it can be lost. Another example would be to have an extremely cohesive family network in an arid area-- environment dictates you need to have good relations with others as agriculture, pastorialism, etc are on the brink of existence at any one time. You need help to survive and being alone can be disasterous. You need to keep track of family as they will help you and you will help them. This can become a really, from our perspective, suffocating culture of always bowing to public opinion-- but it was a necessary survival tactic at one point.

Our culture used to be what we term as "traditional" at this point: that the woman stays at home while husband works. Our culture evolved so that now many women work and people share household chores... but we still know about and accept as relatively normal the idea of someone staying at home-- even if culturally some people may belittle the idea or praise it, depending on their personal stance. It is a recognizable cultural norm. Pit that against something that is "not" or "outside" the norm, which we consider "deviant" on a cultural (not necessarily individual) basis-- like polygamy. Doesn't matter that it is the prefered form of marriage across the world (although monogamy is the MOST practiced form-- there is a difference, many societies place restrictions on polygamy that one must obtain in order to graduate to that step).... on a cultural whole we do not approve. You can further pit that against the cultural acceptability of mistresses we have-- and you come up with internal inconsistencies. this is all normal for how cultures work. We may frown upon the idea of a mistress and many people dislike it, but it is something familiar that we know about and do not tend to regulate at the over-riding legal level.

Our SOs have a cultural set of norms they grew up with-- whether they differ from them or not, personally, that is not really the issue. When people are removed from their culture, they tend to grasp at what is familiar and stress out at being removed from what they consider the proper order of the world. Even though your DH may share chores with you (willingly or unwillingly, secret or not) there is a cultural set of norms for chore handling he knows about. There is an idea as to who is "boss" between the two people in a relationship-- her, him, or co-pilots as it were. There is an idea as to what he *should* be doing with his life, his time, his position in the family, etc. He will have a set idea as to how much support he should be contributing to the household.

We all have this, and the problem is being removed from the ability to figure out who you are. You are always defined by more than just yourself. You may think you are the most awesome person on the earth inside-- no definition necessary, but you tend to introduce yourself to other people as having a certain job, being a member of a certain family, being a member of a certain age group, having a certain hobby, etc-- which are all somewhat external to your "self." Imagine walking up to a stranger in a city where you are not from, and then introducing yourself. How will they know "you?" they can't, really, but you'll give a bunch of definitions. I'm married, no children, I work for a lawyer, I'm 31, etc., etc.

Our SOs lose that to a certain extent when they move-- no one here (or very few people) know *who* your SO really is-- as in where he grew up, who his friends are, who his family is, what job he has, degrees, etc. It's how they adjust to this that I think can create a lot of stress-- either they can use this as an opportunity to grow as an individual and create themselves again, or else they can just be depressed about what they lost to come here and try to stay within the familiar. Sometimes, even though someone is very liberal for their own surroundings and culture, they can kind of become more conservative when removed from that atmosphere, as a coping mechanism which is also related to their relative feelings of insecurity. It can also go the other way. People are really individual with their reactions!

We also may get frustrated more because we culturally accept moving and starting over more than many parts of the world. i moved twice as a child, from California to Indiana, then to Nevada, then as an adult I went to college in TN and then graduate school in AR. Lots of Americans do this sort of thing. We have lessened familial ties to more or less be a more nuclear family group, etc to accomodate this. We are not necessarily defining ourselves by a particular neighborhood or village. There are those who do and who definately vary from this standard, but we don't view it as "odd" if you only really know your aunts, uncles, first cousins, grandparents, and have minimal contact with second cousins and beyond. We don't view it as odd if your grandparents live in another state or you have relatives across the country. We don't view it as odd to have a reuniting mechanism such as a "family reunion" where you meet people you're related to for the first time... and who knows if you'll ever see them again. This is a different kind of structure than the extended structure of the majority of cultures where children and parents often live together forever-- sons, for example, will just move their wives into the house (or neighborhood/building, etc) and then there can be a multiple-generational network which can also include unmarried siblings, etc.

I know my own personal problem was that I am admittedly extremely territorial as a personality, and I do NOT adjust to other people very well in my space. I also had this person, who while touching all "my" stuff was not doing what *I* thought he should do. Expectation on our parts is very much a problem. We have a whole imagined "this is how it will be" and then when the reality of the other person arrives-- we have to "adjust" as it were to what we percieve as a "change" which is really just a conflict in our imaginations. He saw me as being extremely impatient (I was) and being somewhat overbearing (probably I was) where I was just trying to teach him things like going to the store (and he wasn't wanting to listen to me at all, he thought he could do it just fine.. btu then would make me do things for him which to me was really frustrating). He spent a lot of time saying "in Jordan we..." and I got sick of it. He was frustrated he couldn't just do whatever he wanted to do-- which were fine ideas for where he was from, but walking on the interstate here just isn't going to work. So, it took some time to get into a routine. Routine was really an awesome thing. It gave him a place for himself, it made a place for him with me, it made a place for me with him... and we have been slowly altering the routine as we go to more suit his expectations of how I should magically clean everything every day(because at this point I'm OK with him touching my stuff, which is all i ever cared about and he gives me total freedom to pursue things I like to do like garden).

He has said to me before "You cannot expect me to forget my life of 31 years before I came here-- that is part of who I am and it makes me, me. I cannot just change my thoughts because that would be changing who I am." I think his statement is really true for everyone.

This is some of the cold academic work-outs though, of this phenomenon. It may or may not apply in any way to indivduals. Everyone is different.

This ends the lesson of cultural anthropology 101. Please insert tape 2 where we will discuss how much I totally want a chocolate bar right now even though I am trying to lose weight, and other psychological issues of "wanting what you cannot have" like wearing the jeans in my closet and these pants I got from JCrew on sale. They are so awesome! When I got them they were just a little too small and now they may as well belong to a doll. #######!

[Imua 0]

About the smoking - I wouldn't be surprised if he started smoking more during the waiting period out of stress!! Obviously I am not in your shoes but I know when G gets here I think I will TRY to hold my tongue the first few days/weeks if something bothers me while he is initially adjusting to life in the US. I can imagine how hard it is to leave everything you are used to and come to a new place - it was hard for me coming from Hawaii to NYC 8 years ago!!! I feel you on the $$ issue though - I saw a sign Marlboro $8/pack and I thought what an expensive habit!!

Have you shown him how to use the subway yet? This is one of the first things I will show G - we are lucky in NYC since we don't have to drive everywhere, there is no need to get a DL to have a sense of freedom. Now is the time to go to Central Park, the Statue of Liberty, Coney Island etc while it is warm out. I figure when G gets here I will take some time off so he and I can play tourist...

[*Maureen* 0]

i hope the bumps in the road smooth out for you, hang in there