Did I do the right thing

[Kiv 32]

Good luck Lady !

Is great to love somebody but we must love ourselves too, this may get uglier before it gets better but it will definetely get better for you at the end, with or without him. Let's see if he wakes up on time.

[Merlion@ 0]

1. i don't know if you are still reading this. if you are, i can tell you that hispanic families are very close knit and the ex wife would most likely be considered part of the extended family, therefore his support for her. i am not saying this is right or wrong, i'm just stating my observations. i do not knoe your approach in teaching the kids how to behave but along with the rules you should implement some type of reward system until they get into the habit of doing things because it feels good to be neat and clean not for the reward itself. if you punish them, it will not work. it will also not work if you bribe them.

2. to change behavior you need to find out what they find pleasant, rewarding, or reinforcing and maintain that they get whatever that is only after they did chores, homework etc. a parenting class might help. it is also not clear what strict means when you say you raised your daughter in a strict way. regardless, the above holds.

3. he needs to learn to ignore calls from x wife, agree on a number and ignore the rest. this will then decrease her calling. it's called extinction (you may want to google it). it may be hard to achieve due to #1 above, but it is possible nevertheless.

best wishes.

[Merlion@ 0]

here's a link where it talks about extinction.

http://wik.ed.uiuc.edu/index.php/Extinction

it can be applied both to the kids and husband. if you are paying attention to the kids everytime they do something stupid, that to them is reinforcing because they are looking for attention and you are giving them the attention. if instead you ignore it and do not do things for them, you may break the cycle. also, don't tell them what they do wrong, but reward them for what they do right! some sort of rules, rewards, and punishment need apply but not randomly and adjustments need to be made depending on what works/does not work.

[cnfused 0]

Merlion,

Rewards for good behavior, from the onset I am the invisible person in the house. Not doing ANYTHING is a regular thing and then when dad comes on the weekend they start with the I WANTS and get what they WANT. Where can disipline come from if I get no support on the home front from the hubby? The biggest probelm is the DAD as he wants to give his kids everything, I understand this, but if there are no consequences ( sp ) for bad behavior it is like I am there just to be there for him to stick it into on the weekends. The basics I was trying to implement are picking up after one self. Like if they take a glass to the living room, bring it back to the kitchen and take 5 seconds to wash it. I have since stopped doing anything for them. If the need the clothes washed they better call the Mom, if they are hungry they better call Mom, this lady here has had it. I am saving money now so by the end of June I can hopefully get an apartment by myself and then the Ex can move into where I am as it is a 2 bedroom. The cycle just gets worse and worse.

I took some days off to try and see if this relationship is worth saving, it is not. My birthday was last Tuesday, I was with him the whole day. He did not even say happy birthday. Icing on the cake for sure. I can go on and on, but better yet I am going to be moving on. Thanks

[cnfused 0]

So the end of the story has arrived. I had had it for a while all can read here, so I stated the child that still remained here ( 17 ) had to go and live with his mom for a few months so he could see what he is missing as far as what he had here. Well lo and behold when my husband left for work I found his house keys along with the sons. I called to ask ####### is that. I was told that since I could not accept his kids then he could not live with me anymore. SUPER as I refused to be treated as less than a servant anymore and stated that to him. Had I not looked at what I was doing and tried to change where as no one around me was trying then so be it. So now I will be looking for a second job so I can pay the rent where I am until October when the lease is up and I can move into something smaller. Plese note that I have filed for his conditions to be removed. Guess that 2 year mark is a real killer fror some. How nice to feel so used and so helpless. However maybe it has not really sunk in as I have not shed one tear as of yet.

Oh and the son left all his stuff here and so did the dad, I guess I will begin packing this up fo rhtem so I can clean the house that I will live in by myself. It is hurting me to write this and I know I am not really feeling it all right now. When I do start to feel it I will come here and vent so I do not go crazy. Thanks all

[sasha414 0]

cnfused, i am so sorry. if you need someone to talk to, just PM me.

[DanielParul 50]

Just wondering since the husband has moved in with his ex-wife and the conditions are not yet removed, can something be done?

[cnfused 0]

Do not know for sure yet where he plans to stay. His job as it currently is has him out of the state for 5 1/2 days. All his Sh!t ( and the sons ) is still in my place and I will be packing it up and leaving in the Garage for him. The papers have already been sent in, no NOA yet, however all the proof is there so to pull it would be more hassle than it is worth. I am trying just to get through the days in the best way possible now that my world has in reality fallen apart. Thanks for the suggestion

[^KK^ 3]

"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up."

-James Baldwin