Did I do the right thing

[morocco4ever 63]

I'm not really sure what this 12 year old is doing that is illegal, but I would have to admit that if you are in this kind of position then I would turn it into the authorities. That may sound tough, but I think that your husband is running all over you, and it is wrong. Not just that, what are the children learning for this?

I know that as I was raising my children, and I found out that they were not in school when they should be, I would simply call the school and verify that they weren't there. If the answer was that they were not there I would inform them that they were indeed sluffing. My kids would get in trouble of course, but my goal was to show them that to their actions there are consequences. Strangely the friend they sluffed with, their parents covered for them. In the end, now that my kids are grown, I find that I have 4 very responsible children, while their friends that had parents that covered for them are in a totally different situation. I don't think covering for them helped them to learn important lessons in life.

To be honest I can't see why you are still in this relationship. He has proven time and time again that your opinions and feelings mean nothing to him. I don't think he deserves you.

[russian_armenian 4]

ask yourself a major question:" do you still want this man even without the package?" Sounds like he is not there for you and not willing to understand you. He might be a good man but just not what you need. Cultural differences are too separating in your family. He came here. He should adjust a bit. If not willing...it is up to you to save the marriage or not. But sounds like it is not a family. Maybe he is holding to you just for GC. Maybe he does want out.....too

Well my fellow VJ"er here is the rest of the story.

Had a major talk the other night and flat out asked him what is the deal with the kids, he is allowing them to do as they please as if they were still in Colombia and not in the US. There are certain laws that pertain to Children that when I try to exlain to him he shuts me out. We have had a few problems with the little one and some books he should have read but never did over the summer. I suggested also that the 12 year old be placed in an after school program as it is not good for a 12 yr old to be running around until say 6pm when we get home. The conversation got around to differnt things about the kids and basically it ending up being that I am not allowed to be a part of their lives and end of story. I currently have no where to go so I am still in the horrible place that is supposed to be my home. I tried to understand that the kids come from a totally differnt culture however there are LAWS here and I will not risk going to Jail because his kids do what ever the heck they want.

There are problems sometimes that involve the kids who are my responsibilty and of course I am never included in any discussion however the EX is in everyhting. I asked , beg and cry for some type of communication from him and get maybe 3 words during whatever discussion we are having and the ex gets 20-30 minutes of phone time. I am so Depressed right now and do not know what to do. HELP I am dying inside

[ladybee 0]

Yes i agree with the above post , things does not sound right.let his ex have the children and get joint custody I bet if the children were not there with you she would have no reason to call him. In your heart do what u think is right for you but if it were me i would want out of this mess.

[Kiv 32]

cnfused,

You are too nice. Honestly, I hope your husband notices it soon for his own good.

I hope everything work the best for you.

[sasha414 0]

first of all, it seems like you married not only your husband, but also his whole family including the ex. your husband is lucky you agreed to petition his own children , and for that, your husband does not have the right to say you cannot be part of his childrens lives. he should give you the respect you deserve as his wife. you love your husband and that is why you are sticking it out with him . however, i believe its about time you put your foot down and get the respect you deserve. if i were you, id sit down with him, talk softly and put your cards out on the table. ask your husband to decide who is more important to him, you or his ex? and then you can go from there. good luck.

[myfirstreallove 0]

It's fine to feel how you feel, but you should know if you can trust your husband and if he truly care about your feelings he should try to minimize the phone talk with his Ex. I'm sure she is an Ex for a reason.

[maliciant 7]

The OP hasn't posted in a while, there is a fairly large date gap between some of the posts since the last time the OP posted so they may not even be checking up on this thread anymore.

Reading the early posts in the thread, my thoughts were... make friends with the ex, show her the ropes, help her become more independent, it's probably long past that point and likely easier said than done, but could have worked wonders in changing how the whole situation played out.

Second, when communication gets bad, entirely too many people make it worse, your husband stops talking, you start talking louder, he will avoid you even more, it's an easy cycle to get into. This would have been a heck of a lot more useful advice months ago when this post first got going.

[cnfused 0]

I do read the boards and I do post under my other name, I think I stated that I have been a VJ member under my other name since 9/07. I am truly in love with my husband as I know he is with me. I read this thread and many others.

We did have a sit down ( The whole family EX included ) in my living room last Sunday. This is what prevailed.

Husband now has a job that keeps him away form home from Monday until Friday Night ( GREAT ) , we are moving into a 2 bedroom apartment to better accomodate the kids, They basically refuse to go live with the mom at this point. I have and am trying to make nice with the EX as she needs to step up to the plate and help more with the kids. SHe has done so some what. The kids are now to call me and let me kow where they are and not just hang out until what ever time they want as before. Imagine the other day the EX was sitting in my kitchen helping the 12 yr old with his homework. Personel feelings aside we need to try and get our poo togehter as we are all miserable as it was.

The first week we have had our glithches and I am sure we will have more. The hard part is now that he is not here the whole week who can I turn to? I do not want this to turn into a case where every 5 minutes I have to call because the kids are not complying with the rules. I know kids will push as I raised my daughter ( now 18 ) all alone. However they come from a place where they were waited on hand and foot and now they actually have to think about others in the house. It is a constant can you please wash the glass and not get a face or remark when asked?? It is difficult because those of us with kids form other countires know the culture and the raising of them is very differnt. This does not mean they do not have to change, because it is a must in the household. And we are working towards that now. This is the last opportunity as I stated they need to get it togehter or the EX can take the apartment and have them period no matter what they think they want.

On another note the 16yr stated the week before last he was packing and leaving. Mom and Dad told him they would call the police well after a while no police so he was just about packed, well I sure as heck called them and they explained the laws of the US to him and the fact that at 16 he has to stay with me or go woth his mom. He choose to stay which is where the need for the sit down came.

I look back and read and I also am changing inside to try and make it work but it has to be a two way street as they say or it will just end uop being as it was.

Thansk for taking the time to read this. I have become a little less bitter as the days go on and hope for the best is what I can do

[maliciant 7]

That still sounds rough but at the same time sounds like some really good progress is being made. This might turn into a happy ending yet!

[cnfused 0]

Well here is my unhappy ending, the 12 year old went with mom about 1 1/2 months ago since I refused to be the maid he was unhappy he had to folllow rules. Yesterday was Mother's day husband goes and sneaks around to buy the Ex something on Saturday while at the mall with me and his sisters ( do not mind had he had been forthcoming ) and acted like I was there with blinders on or stupid to think I did not realize the extra things being bought. Well I had a hunch that all is not happy in my unhappy home. He did buy me some nice earings ( these are being returned read on ) Took a look at his text messages and on Wednesday I see one to the EX saying " good Morning, I hope you have nice day I miss you " ####### does this MF think he is doing? I brought it to his attention in a calm manner saying what is that? You would think I would be the one getting this typoe of message as I had been working 16 hour days for the last week? He stated to me all he wants is to be with his children, and apprently the only way to to have a stay at home mom which I am not...............

I guess all my trying to teach this man compassion has worked against me as she is the one getting it, yeah and the phone calls were always continuing even though I stated I felt there was no need to talk to her for over 10 minutes any given time. I have basically been here as a door mat, I am totally crushed and hurt. I was a cutter for many years and have not cut in forever, BUT let me tell you the urge is very overwhelming right now. I just wanted to vent a little here and let women know to be oh so careful when they marry a man who was always the bread winner and the EX is still around

It appears my husband would prefer someone who can not go to the bathroom with out making sure it is ok. Well honey bunch I am not that woman.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

And still... you remain with him. He is only doing what he can get away with.

[sasha414 0]

And still... you remain with him. He is only doing what he can get away with.

oh dear, i hope and pray everything falls into place. pls dont let him have his cake and eat it too, you need to love yourself first.

[2manypapers 0]

Hi Cnfused,

Sending you some cyber hugs and lots of support.

How are things going today?

I am sorry that you are going through this, I am sure you are heartbroken.

If you need anything, feel free to pm me, I recently went through something very similiar.

2manypapers

[bantam 0]

I would have had him out on his #### when he said you could have nothing to do with his kids despite supporting them. Do yourself a favor and kick this loser out onto the curb. Are you gonna let him ruin the best years of your life? Go out and find a real man. Let him have his dysfunctional family and find someone who loves you and only you, not stuck in the past with his ex.

[cnfused 0]

Thanks for the hugs, I am now in the process of looking for an apartment and not having too much luck. I need to come up wth the securicty deposit , turn on the lights and then have first months rent. I am hoping for a bonus check next week that will take me up to where I need to be, however sometimes I get a bonus and other times no. He called and the main thing was the fact that I did not love his kids, is this guy smoking crack? You can see from the first of this story all I have tried to do to make their lives a little better here. Why does he not see that the other B*tch shuld have been picking up the slack? I am not the perfect woman for him, I love him dearly but this has been ongoing for over the last year since the kids came. I feel as though this is what he wanted all along and was just waiting for me to be the one to leave so it can all be blamed on me, well WHATEVER I know I did my upmost to try and make this work time and time again. RIght now I am renting the room, in the apartment. He is not here all week on the weekend I will stay somewhere else that is for sure.

Come home and of course the PIG of a child ( 17 years old ) is not capable of placing his used Q tip in the garbage so there it sits on the sink in the bathroom, along with all his hair in the sink. Incredible. WEll they won and they can have it there way as I do not give a flying poo anymore what they do. The one problem is the fact that I am on the lease of the apartment until OCtober and basically as I brought them they are my responsibility. But hey it can not get any worse. Thanks again everyone. I will let you know once I get my own apartment and them maybe I can invite my daughter up here

Edited May 13, 2009 by cnfused