Did I do the right thing

[*JG* 2]

My guess is that you're not so much upset about the kids (they're just kids after all and you wouldn't have agreed to bring them over if you hadn't been willing to embrace those kids as your own).

The upsetting part is his "non-loyal" behavior he has been showing since the ex came into the picture. It can be upsetting if you feel that your husband is not rowing in the same direction as you are. It seems like you have brought the whole family over to your house, even though she obviously came to the US using a different path.

You need to make him understand how you feel about this whole situation. It is not the X who's causing trouble, it's your husband's lack of understanding for your feelings and needs. It is not acceptable to let anybody intrude in the privacy of your home and daily 20-min phone calls with an X are IMO a no-go as they make you feel insecure and in the back-seat of the car.

Talk with him in a calm way, tell him exactly what you think (without accusations or yelling ) and how you feel.Try to find out why he's trying to help her to this extended level and also ask him what he thinks your shared future should look like.Is he trying to help her only for a limited time until she has settled or is it going to be a certain lifestyle he wants to maintain.....these kind of questions.

Try to find out details about his point of view before you make any decisions, but also make sure that he knows exactly what is going on in your heart.

You should maybe also try to avoid mixing up two separated issues when talking with him about your problems- the kid's behavior and his behavior when it comes to the X.

Best of luck to you!

I have asked in a calm rational manner and he nevers responds or responds as saying why I am jealous. I expalin it is not jealousy but a matter of respecting the person who he is married too. I know there is a big cultural issue at hand here. I am full blooded Irish and very independent where as he has always been the provider of the family, but hey now his check does not cut it and mine is almost 3 times what he makes. I have been witht he same comapny for 15 years. He just started leagally working last July. I know this addtional conversation will have to wait. And just an FYI I specifically asked that he ask the EX to pick up the kids for a few hours on Mothers day so we could have a few moments alone ( tired of having to muffel myself ) and what happened NOTHING> She did not even come by and when I bought it up he said that he forgot all about it. I am not saying I am beofr ethe kids but an even level works good not a second class person that is for sure. I will update as we will try and discuss this this weekend.

IMO you have rights you are going to have to stick up for.

I wish you luck.

[cnfused 0]

You say she has only been in the US for 2.5 months, how did she come to the US ? on which visa or is she a USC? something just dont sound right, he has no contact with his kids for years and then all of a suden his ex and his kids move to the US and the kids now live with him and his ex is just living here? am I missing some vital but of information?

You do not know the half of it so here goes.

I married my husband in April 2007 applied in May 2007 he had his LPR by Septemember 2007

She ( the Ex ) met an married a USC in 2004 her CR1 Visa ( now IR ) came through Last year in March ( did not get into the details of why it took so long ). At the time the person she married did not have the sponsoship to bring the kids. I met my husband in Sept of 2006 so I knew about this part but I was more than willing once I got married to him to bring the kids ( the 864 is not an issue for me ). She came for good in Dec 2007 and however she is no longer with the USC ( yeah a little fishy to me too ) but any who I was gung ho about getting my husband back together with his kids and understood they would live with us supposedly a month, well the month came and went and here we are. I was extremly adament to the fact that he would not be her support ( he can barely support himself ) when she arrived her last year. I brought to his attention the fact that for the last year until she arrived he never spoke to her as much as he does now and the kids are not even with her. so #######. She has a bad day becasue of the shock of having to work for a living and sends hin lenghty text messages, I tell him that it is his resposibilty to lether this is not wanted from her. However some of the times he is the one initiating the call. So I guess I might be being taken for a ride? I donot know as I have stated to hin that if he does not want to be with me let me know and I willmore than happliy make sure not to contest when he and the kids lift conditions as we have many things co mingled.

he has another son out of wedlock but he turned 18 a month before we married so now he is applying for that child and it will take 5-6 years.

[Kez/JWolf 6]

You say she has only been in the US for 2.5 months, how did she come to the US ? on which visa or is she a USC? something just dont sound right, he has no contact with his kids for years and then all of a suden his ex and his kids move to the US and the kids now live with him and his ex is just living here? am I missing some vital but of information?

You do not know the half of it so here goes.

I married my husband in April 2007 applied in May 2007 he had his LPR by Septemember 2007

She ( the Ex ) met an married a USC in 2004 her CR1 Visa ( now IR ) came through Last year in March ( did not get into the details of why it took so long ). At the time the person she married did not have the sponsoship to bring the kids. I met my husband in Sept of 2006 so I knew about this part but I was more than willing once I got married to him to bring the kids ( the 864 is not an issue for me ). She came for good in Dec 2007 and however she is no longer with the USC ( yeah a little fishy to me too ) but any who I was gung ho about getting my husband back together with his kids and understood they would live with us supposedly a month, well the month came and went and here we are. I was extremly adament to the fact that he would not be her support ( he can barely support himself ) when she arrived her last year. I brought to his attention the fact that for the last year until she arrived he never spoke to her as much as he does now and the kids are not even with her. so #######. She has a bad day becasue of the shock of having to work for a living and sends hin lenghty text messages, I tell him that it is his resposibilty to lether this is not wanted from her. However some of the times he is the one initiating the call. So I guess I might be being taken for a ride? I donot know as I have stated to hin that if he does not want to be with me let me know and I willmore than happliy make sure not to contest when he and the kids lift conditions as we have many things co mingled.

he has another son out of wedlock but he turned 18 a month before we married so now he is applying for that child and it will take 5-6 years.

Wow what a situation. You need to protect yourself and your home just in case. it does seem a bit odd that his entire family are now in the US and he appears to want to focus on his ex more than on you, but I could be totally wrong here, I hope so.

Good Luck

[*JG* 2]

I agree with K/W....protect yourself at all costs.

I would be very cautious if I were you. There are a lot of ends I would have to tie up before I was secure in this situation.

Please be careful.

[morocco4ever 63]

I don't think he wants to face this because he doesn't understand how you are feeling. He thinks it is jealousy, but it is much deeper than that. You try to talk to him, he doesn't respond. Not good.

I can't say I have an answer for you, sorry. But I guess if it was me I would sit him down and calmly ask him "Which is more important to you, me or your ex. Because what I am seeing is that you respect her more. If this continues you can have her because I will NEVER be second to your ex".

I wouldn't wait for a response, he is not going to give one anyway, I would just walk away and give this some time to mull.

Maybe I am too harsh and lack understanding, but I should never have to settle for being second in my husbands eyes.

[cnfused 0]

Thanks Kez?JWolf, hoping you yourself are doing ok. Yeah I kinda wonder that myself but a lot of my other stuff in in My daughters name as I worked mainly for her for forever until I met my currect husband.

[cnfused 0]

I don't think he wants to face this because he doesn't understand how you are feeling. He thinks it is jealousy, but it is much deeper than that. You try to talk to him, he doesn't respond. Not good.

I can't say I have an answer for you, sorry. But I guess if it was me I would sit him down and calmly ask him "Which is more important to you, me or your ex. Because what I am seeing is that you respect her more. If this continues you can have her because I will NEVER be second to your ex".

I wouldn't wait for a response, he is not going to give one anyway, I would just walk away and give this some time to mull.

Maybe I am too harsh and lack understanding, but I should never have to settle for being second in my husbands eyes.

The scary part here is I gave up my life in Florida and mover to the notheast to live with him. I will wait I guess until Sunday when we have both had some time to cool off, however I am the same very HARD and if and when I say that is it then that is it. I am trying with all my heart not to get to this point but me thinks it is here. Thanks so much for the words. As far as not giving a response I think sherlock you have hit the nail on the head. I will keep the board updated.

[morocco4ever 63]

I wish I could give you a big hug. This could either be a big eye opener for him or a major turn in your life. But for whatever reasons this is happening I hope this will only be a small blip, and that you can move onto whatever life God has in store for you, be it with him or without. You sound like a strong woman, I am confident you will come out a winner.

[*JG* 2]

I don't think he wants to face this because he doesn't understand how you are feeling. He thinks it is jealousy, but it is much deeper than that. You try to talk to him, he doesn't respond. Not good.

I can't say I have an answer for you, sorry. But I guess if it was me I would sit him down and calmly ask him "Which is more important to you, me or your ex. Because what I am seeing is that you respect her more. If this continues you can have her because I will NEVER be second to your ex".

I wouldn't wait for a response, he is not going to give one anyway, I would just walk away and give this some time to mull.

Maybe I am too harsh and lack understanding, but I should never have to settle for being second in my husbands eyes.

This is the hard part....sticking to your guns. I've had to say to my husband, if you continue to let your mother try and manipulate you, and in turn, us, this is not going to work. If you want to go back, go back. If you want to stay, then we have to be more concerned about us then anyone else. It was a hard thing for me to say...yet, sticking to my guns was the only way I proved to him I wasn't going to put up with that kind of stuff. I have been called harsh in the past for some of my stances. In the end, it was the right thing to do. If I let someone take advantage of me, they will.

I wish I could give you a big hug. This could either be a big eye opener for him or a major turn in your life. But for whatever reasons this is happening I hope this will only be a small blip, and that you can move onto whatever life God has in store for you, be it with him or without. You sound like a strong woman, I am confident you will come out a winner.

I second this!

[JaEnglishGirl 34]

On the side of the ex, while she is no longer his responsibility, I can understand the fact she calls him all the time, because he's the only person she seems to have here. Again, they have known each other a lot longer than you two have known each other and they probably are friends even though they have both moved on.

While it's not your problem, she must be finding it hard and is reaching out to your husband to help her adjust, I think her motives are probably more hanging onto someone she knows in a foreign place rather than anything more sinister.

What about the contact makes you uncomfortable?

Is it that you merely feel it's inappropriate or that you feel there is or could be something going on?

As for the issues on the kids, I believe you MUST stand firm.

As for them watching stuff on TV or playing games, I would get a small TV for their rooms, they can play and watch whatever they want to on that. It's not acceptable for you to feel like a hostage in your own house.

You need to have a LONG talk with your husband and basically decide what you both agree is a compromise on disciplining the kids.

I don;'t know how long he actually lived with them, but it may be that he just doesn't understand he needs to ensure they are disciplined properly or suffer the consequences.

He is probably just so happy to have them with him after years missing them that he can't bring himself to be tough.

[amalitta 0]

Cnfused,

I am soo sorry to hear about your situation ..As you know , my children are about to come too and live here with me and my husband .My children are about the same ages as your husband ...so they are big children ..

I i will never allow them to disrespect the man that i marry ...the men that gladly accepted my children ( just like you did ).

It looks like the father is out of control and he doesnt know how to handle his children ....and i am not surprised ...because it is not easy to suddenly become a parent ..

I think your husband doesnt realise that you DONT have to put up with all the disrespect that he puts you through...you dont deserve that..

He forgot completely about your feelings ..Do not allow to treat you this way..I am sorry but his behavior raises lots of red flags.

I dont think that he should be responsible for his ex wife.... chating for 20 minutes ..its just encouraging that.

The only way to solve this problem is to have a serious and open discussion with your husband ...just the two of you ...tell him how you feel about all this ..if he really cares about you ..you will know it, because he will do something about it.....Do not let this grow even bigger ...

I wonder if the mother is so concern about the children ..then why doesnt she takes them to live with her??

All the best and good luck to you

Big hug for you ..

Amalitta

[cnfused 0]

On the side of the ex, while she is no longer his responsibility, I can understand the fact she calls him all the time, because he's the only person she seems to have here. Again, they have known each other a lot longer than you two have known each other and they probably are friends even though they have both moved on.

While it's not your problem, she must be finding it hard and is reaching out to your husband to help her adjust, I think her motives are probably more hanging onto someone she knows in a foreign place rather than anything more sinister.

What about the contact makes you uncomfortable?

Is it that you merely feel it's inappropriate or that you feel there is or could be something going on?

hmm well had my discussion last night, do not feel it really went anywhere. I am trying to be understanding of the fact that yes she has never had to lift a finger in her life and now depends on these phone calls all the time to MY HUSBAND. Is there something there, I would think not however if he continues to do everything how will she be independent? will I have this thorn in my side for the next say 20 years if we even last the next year ) ? The conversation did not go very well, I explained to him that since his kids have come he has not invited me into that life. He stated he feels he owes the EX cause she raised the kids ( raised with his money ) well honey welcome to life. Many of us have had to stand on our own 2 feet without the help of being able to make that phone call. Life is not easy that is for sure. I could go on and on as I raised my Daughter all by Myself for the last 16 years but the point he is always bringing up is everyone is not like me, well I was insecure in the begining but hey I learned how to survive for my daughter.

I expalin that it is not that I am jealous, I am pretty secure in myself and luckly I do not have to nor have I ever depended on anyone for anything even now. I do depend on him for emotional support that seems to lack at some junction in our life. Not sure what I am going to do. We have a few accumulated debts ( well really his ) that we need to get over with and then I will have to make my choice depending on how he chooses to live with me the next few months. I am protected as only a few things have him listed.

Here is a man who has always been the sole support of his family for many years and then he hooks up with this hot blooded Irish independent woman and I think this affects him cause he knows without the check I bring his whole living situation will be different.

Thanks for the hugs guys I feel them and appreciate them very much. Hopefully this saga plays out quickly one way or the other.

Just FYI the hardest and I mean hardest part of this failing is the fact for for all my daughters life I never felt strong enough about anyone to introduce them to her ( I had a few male freinds along the way ) and he was the one the I did. It upsets me becasue I have always strived to live my life in such a manner that my daughters life will be brighter. And to show her that you can make it no matter what, hopefully this does not turn into a case of this type of example.

[carpe diem 2]

You write:

"He stated he feels he owes the EX cause she raised the kids ( raised with his money ) well honey welcome to life. . . .

Here is a man who has always been the sole support of his family for many years and then he hooks up with this hot blooded Irish independent woman and I think this affects him cause he knows without the check I bring his whole living situation will be different."

Well cnfused, the fact of the matter is, your husband and his ex at one point made a JOINT decision for her to raise the kids while he was the breadwinner-- and presumably he agreed to have that situation continue after they split. You and I may not like the decision but that's a choice a lot of couples make. Even if it was HIS money that was used to raise the kids, it was THEIR decision for her to raise them and presumably your husband got something out of the deal as well (the peace of mind that his children were with their mom, for example). And his ex invested HER time and energy in raising the kids, probably at the expense of her professional development. From what little experience I have taking care of kids, I don't think that's something to underestimate. I understand your unhappiness about the situation, but the reality is that your husband comes with a past that he cannot simply undo.

It may be time (or past time) for your husband's ex to learn how to stand on her own feet, especially because the children no longer live with her. But it's not so hard to imagine that she doesn't know where to begin, in a new country, after years of financially depending on someone else. I guess you could say that by extending that situation it only gets worse. It's a tough situation and I hope for the sake of all of you that your husband and his ex find a way out of it.

I would say the situation of your husband and his ex is a big warning for couples who have the luxury of having the option for one of them to be a stay-at-home parent, but that's another story.

[carpe diem 2]

On re-reading my post it seems a bit harsh, sorry. You didn't ask to be in this situation and I can certainly relate to your frustration. I hope you'll be able to work things out with your husband and his children and I'm wishing you the best and give you a virtual hug.

[cnfused 0]

On re-reading my post it seems a bit harsh, sorry. You didn't ask to be in this situation and I can certainly relate to your frustration. I hope you'll be able to work things out with your husband and his children and I'm wishing you the best and give you a virtual hug.

No worries I did not take it in any ill way. I put myself out here and hope for some light to be shed and it is coming. I do understand your point, it is however difficult to adjust in this relationship. The hardest thing is my husband is pretty closed and had he maybe been a little clearer ( even Now ) some of these feelings would not have come to the point they have. This is something he and he only can change if and when he chooses to , where as I on the other hand am very vocal on any and every thing. Thanks for your point of view also.

But see there are steps she can take ( the EX ) that have not happened and I feel by him contining to be johnny on the spot they never will. she has been here five months and has not even taken an English class? I have spoken to her to an extent and say take the class all it can do is help you in the long run, but I guess she is so Timid it scares her? Have no clue but she needs to get off the pot cause she has sat there for a while and if he does not put his foot down to an extent then she never will.