Did I do the right thing

[cnfused 0]

Bear with me as this may ramble. I married my Husband ( I am the USC ) last year in April. I then applied for his 2 kids and they made it here this year 2 1/2 months ago. Since the kids have come my husband has become a differnt man. His Ex Wife is already here ( another story completly ) when my step kids lived in their country with the mom my husband had little or no contact with the EX, except for when we sent money every month. Now that she is here ( OH YEAH the kids live with us ) he speaks to her everyday sometimes for over 20 minutes, I have asked on numerous occasions for him to limit these calls . It is as though everytime she goes to the bathroom she calls him. The straw that is breaking the camels back is we had a serious discussion Monday I stated she needs to learn how to live on her own and not call for every thing. Well Lo and BEHOLD she called just Wedensday for him to help her get car insurance, and what did he say SURE i will help That is it I am so tired of everytime I turn around he is giving the helping hand. Am I wrong wanting her to learn to live on her own? This is a major deal and we may be splitting up over it this time.

And then last night the oldest kid did soemthing at the table and I said something to him, well it was a major deal because my manner was not in good words. I said do you not see that everyone else placed the meat on their plate why are you eating off of that plate. This is the first time I have said ANYTHING to the kids. I basically live in my bedroom as they have taken over my living room. Oh an where they come from they had a person wait on them for everything so it is a big mess to get them to pick up after themselves. I am at my wits end please any comments????????????

[Nutty 2]

What country does your husband, his ex-wife and your step kids come from????? Knowing their culture might explain the reason your husband still feels he owes some assistance to his ex-wife. I am really looking for a reasonable explanation here. However, it is not right that she calls all the time as if she was still married to him. I believe she is crossing the line and poaching on your territory. However, she may feel that she has rights being the first wife/mother of his children to make demands on him.

As for the step kids, maybe they should go and live with their mother and have visitation rights with your husband.

[*JG* 2]

I am the US citizen. My ex-husband is also a US citizen who is in laryngeal cancer remission after a total laryngectomy, chemo, & radiation. I have been married to my Jamaican husband for nearly 2 years now. To this day, I help my ex when he needs it. I make calls, type up things for him, research things, etc. We also discuss things relating to our daughter. I do this because I am a nice person, I don't hate him, and he needs some help. There is not other reason behind it. That being said, I think talking to his ex every single day for 20 minutes would be beyond my patience.

My kids are pre-teen and teen age and their taking over the living room, having some issues at times with basic common sense and etiquette, playing us against each other, and such seem to be the age they are in. I refuse to be the maid. We fight about it all the time; but we normally keep a united front against the kids.

You are not wrong in any of your feelings. How to work them out to your satisfaction is a fight you are going to have to figure out how to win.

I'm sorry. I really do feel for you.

[cnfused 0]

The family is from Colombia.

She lives in a room in a house with basically no Kitchen priveledges. As far as the calling and dependency YEah well if he allows it to contiue to happen then there is nothing more to do as long as he is johnny on the spot why would she think she needs to do it herself. This is part of the major argument. The dad was not in the kids lives for 7 years until they came to live with us this year. He had not even seen them until January of this year since 2001. And why would they want to live with MOm when dads lets them do whatever the heck they want............... This is a another trouble spot. See I raised my daughter by myself, she is now 18 and lives in Florida with my mom. And I was a strcit parent to an extent. So I see these kids doing things that I would NEVER had allowed my Daughter to do.

[nane1104 146]

I too was curious about from what country they came, because indeed that could make a difference. I totally feel you though on getting upset about the situation, I really believe your husband should respect your feelings and limit those calls. I say, if it is about the kids, there shoul be no problem that they talk, but she is the ex for a reason and you are his wife now, there is no reason why he should still do all kinds of things with and for her.

Like I said, anything about the kids is a different story, but not everyday stuff she could easily do by herself or ask some other friends.

About the kids: I think you and your husband really need to sit down and discuss this. They are living in your household, you are the stepmother and there is no way they can take over and you have no say whatsoever.

You really ned to find a way how you both can raise the kids and your husband needs to accept that you absolutley should have the right to tell them when they misbehave or need to clean up after themselves.

[*JG* 2]

The family is from Colombia.

She lives in a room in a house with basically no Kitchen priveledges. As far as the calling and dependency YEah well if he allows it to contiue to happen then there is nothing more to do as long as he is johnny on the spot why would she think she needs to do it herself. This is part of the major argument. The dad was not in the kids lives for 7 years until they came to live with us this year. He had not even seen them until January of this year since 2001. And why would they want to live with MOm when dads lets them do whatever the heck they want............... This is a another trouble spot. See I raised my daughter by myself, she is now 18 and lives in Florida with my mom. And I was a strcit parent to an extent. So I see these kids doing things that I would NEVER had allowed my Daughter to do.

So, he's making up for the lost years by being overly agreeable with them? They will learn to really use that and turn into monsters even he can't handle. Sadly, that is something you have to experience to understand. He will learn.

Does he pay any kind of spousal support to her? Or was they money send child support?

[Jack and Barbara 0]

The family is from Colombia.

She lives in a room in a house with basically no Kitchen priveledges. As far as the calling and dependency YEah well if he allows it to contiue to happen then there is nothing more to do as long as he is johnny on the spot why would she think she needs to do it herself. This is part of the major argument. The dad was not in the kids lives for 7 years until they came to live with us this year. He had not even seen them until January of this year since 2001. And why would they want to live with MOm when dads lets them do whatever the heck they want............... This is a another trouble spot. See I raised my daughter by myself, she is now 18 and lives in Florida with my mom. And I was a strcit parent to an extent. So I see these kids doing things that I would NEVER had allowed my Daughter to do.

This is a tough situation. You say he has not been in their lives for 7 years, yet you both made the decision along the way to bring them to live with you both. As a parental figure in the children's lives, you have every right to put down rules regarding everything from chores to etiquette for these children, assuming you and he are in agreement. Just because he is the father does not mean his children can do whatever they want and get away with everything in your house. I suggest sitting down with only him and talking it out. Come up with a list of what the children can and cannot do in the house.

As for the ex-qife, I would wonder what her intentions are for calling all the time and for coming to the U.S. (kids, your husband, etc). Maybe they are harmless - she is lonely and really needs help, but evrey 20 minutes is beyond excessive.

[nane1104 146]

The family is from Colombia.

She lives in a room in a house with basically no Kitchen priveledges. As far as the calling and dependency YEah well if he allows it to contiue to happen then there is nothing more to do as long as he is johnny on the spot why would she think she needs to do it herself. This is part of the major argument. The dad was not in the kids lives for 7 years until they came to live with us this year. He had not even seen them until January of this year since 2001. And why would they want to live with MOm when dads lets them do whatever the heck they want............... This is a another trouble spot. See I raised my daughter by myself, she is now 18 and lives in Florida with my mom. And I was a strcit parent to an extent. So I see these kids doing things that I would NEVER had allowed my Daughter to do.

Oh ok, this explains a lot I think.

You definitley need to talk to him again so you can come to an agreement how to raise the kids. I am sure there is a lot of guilt on his part that he allows the kids everything, but he needs to understand that this won't work in the long run. On the other side, you will probably have to compromise as well and turn your levels of being strict down a few notches...at least until the situation calms down and everyone has settled in a little bit.

I am sure, your husband will get tired of his sassy kids after a while as well.

[*JG* 2]

The family is from Colombia.

She lives in a room in a house with basically no Kitchen priveledges. As far as the calling and dependency YEah well if he allows it to contiue to happen then there is nothing more to do as long as he is johnny on the spot why would she think she needs to do it herself. This is part of the major argument. The dad was not in the kids lives for 7 years until they came to live with us this year. He had not even seen them until January of this year since 2001. And why would they want to live with MOm when dads lets them do whatever the heck they want............... This is a another trouble spot. See I raised my daughter by myself, she is now 18 and lives in Florida with my mom. And I was a strcit parent to an extent. So I see these kids doing things that I would NEVER had allowed my Daughter to do.

So, he's making up for the lost years by being overly agreeable with them? They will learn to really use that and turn into monsters even he can't handle. Sadly, that is something you have to experience to understand. He will learn.

Does he pay any kind of spousal support to her? Or was they money send child support?

My reasoning for asking this was if it was child support and that has stopped now that they no longer live with her, I can see her wanting to hang on by doing anything she can to encourage contact.

If the mom has only been in the country 2.5 months and knows few other people here, I can see where she might be scared and reach out to the only person(s) she really knows in the US.

The thing with this is I am torn. I think if possible and there is genuine need, he should help her. It means little except he is a kind person. However, 20 minutes a day every day is too much. I would be upset with that.

The kids thing....again 2.5 months is not all that much time to acclimate. It does take time to get everything down and running smoothly. But, you do have to have a united front or they will learn how to really take advantage of the fact that the two of you cannot agree on discipline.

[cnfused 0]

I have tried so hard not to cry but in reading and rereading this I think that my sitation is dire. I have been a member of VJ since 9/07 with my other screen name, I know he reads the boards which is why I created this new user. One son is a teenager and the other is 11. He is a very laid back Colombian. Money that we sent to COlombia was for the kids school and to an extent to support the mom ( so she could be home with the kids ) however I laid down the law that when she comes here he will Support the kids and not the EX. He gives her nothing now that I know of but with him who knows now. We spoke about the kids or more like I spoke as I am very out spoken and do not hold my tongue very often even though these last months I have held it too much. Right now he is not even speaking to me. He usually calls me on his breaks and has not even done that. Last night we slept each with their own cover so as not to touch each other. I am always the one talking and he never pipes up what so ever to either defend himself or anything. His sisters tried to tell me the worst was yet to come when the kids came but I felt and still feel Love can conquer any things however this may be the thing it can not.

I have told him the kids will use him up and spit him out if he does not lay down the law. I did it to my dad so I know exactly what they are doing. I am in Spanish overload. I can barly sit down and watch the good tv ( the 40 incher ) cause the kids are always playing games or watching something. Does he not understand I am a gringa and I can only take so much tv in spanish before I hit the roof. He always watched tv in English with me and on Occasion ( not all the time ) we would watch something in Spanish. I speak spanish very fluently though.

[cnfused 0]

I understand need, we had a car that I ( was in my name and by no means a great car ) that I more than willingly gave to her for her to be able to work and pick up the kids on occasion , however the kids never want to go woth her cause why should they she lays down the law he does not. This is the car that after 2 months of being in my name I said that is it she needs to get it changed and this is where the insurance issue comes from, as far as the excuse she speaks no English well there are many companies that speak spanish and her fingers are not broken to call.

Forgot to add even though I did in another post he did not want her to work because whatever she would have made in her country would have just gone to child care and he preferred she stay home. This is hard for me as I am one independent woman and depend on no one. Yes parts of this are indeed my fault however with no support from him on the ex issue it is coming to a head...........

The family is from Colombia.

She lives in a room in a house with basically no Kitchen priveledges. As far as the calling and dependency YEah well if he allows it to contiue to happen then there is nothing more to do as long as he is johnny on the spot why would she think she needs to do it herself. This is part of the major argument. The dad was not in the kids lives for 7 years until they came to live with us this year. He had not even seen them until January of this year since 2001. And why would they want to live with MOm when dads lets them do whatever the heck they want............... This is a another trouble spot. See I raised my daughter by myself, she is now 18 and lives in Florida with my mom. And I was a strcit parent to an extent. So I see these kids doing things that I would NEVER had allowed my Daughter to do.

So, he's making up for the lost years by being overly agreeable with them? They will learn to really use that and turn into monsters even he can't handle. Sadly, that is something you have to experience to understand. He will learn.

Does he pay any kind of spousal support to her? Or was they money send child support?

My reasoning for asking this was if it was child support and that has stopped now that they no longer live with her, I can see her wanting to hang on by doing anything she can to encourage contact.

If the mom has only been in the country 2.5 months and knows few other people here, I can see where she might be scared and reach out to the only person(s) she really knows in the US.

The thing with this is I am torn. I think if possible and there is genuine need, he should help her. It means little except he is a kind person. However, 20 minutes a day every day is too much. I would be upset with that.

The kids thing....again 2.5 months is not all that much time to acclimate. It does take time to get everything down and running smoothly. But, you do have to have a united front or they will learn how to really take advantage of the fact that the two of you cannot agree on discipline.

Edited May 16, 2008 by cnfused

[mnieto 2]

My guess is that you're not so much upset about the kids (they're just kids after all and you wouldn't have agreed to bring them over if you hadn't been willing to embrace those kids as your own).

The upsetting part is his "non-loyal" behavior he has been showing since the ex came into the picture. It can be upsetting if you feel that your husband is not rowing in the same direction as you are. It seems like you have brought the whole family over to your house, even though she obviously came to the US using a different path.

You need to make him understand how you feel about this whole situation. It is not the X who's causing trouble, it's your husband's lack of understanding for your feelings and needs. It is not acceptable to let anybody intrude in the privacy of your home and daily 20-min phone calls with an X are IMO a no-go as they make you feel insecure and in the back-seat of the car.

Talk with him in a calm way, tell him exactly what you think (without accusations or yelling ) and how you feel.Try to find out why he's trying to help her to this extended level and also ask him what he thinks your shared future should look like.Is he trying to help her only for a limited time until she has settled or is it going to be a certain lifestyle he wants to maintain.....these kind of questions.

Try to find out details about his point of view before you make any decisions, but also make sure that he knows exactly what is going on in your heart.

You should maybe also try to avoid mixing up two separated issues when talking with him about your problems- the kid's behavior and his behavior when it comes to the X.

Best of luck to you!

[*JG* 2]

I have tried so hard not to cry but in reading and rereading this I think that my sitation is dire. I have been a member of VJ since 9/07 with my other screen name, I know he reads the boards which is why I created this new user. One son is a teenager and the other is 11. He is a very laid back Colombian. Money that we sent to COlombia was for the kids school and to an extent to support the mom ( so she could be home with the kids ) however I laid down the law that when she comes here he will Support the kids and not the EX. He gives her nothing now that I know of but with him who knows now. We spoke about the kids or more like I spoke as I am very out spoken and do not hold my tongue very often even though these last months I have held it too much. Right now he is not even speaking to me. He usually calls me on his breaks and has not even done that. Last night we slept each with their own cover so as not to touch each other. I am always the one talking and he never pipes up what so ever to either defend himself or anything. His sisters tried to tell me the worst was yet to come when the kids came but I felt and still feel Love can conquer any things however this may be the thing it can not.

I have told him the kids will use him up and spit him out if he does not lay down the law. I did it to my dad so I know exactly what they are doing. I am in Spanish overload. I can barly sit down and watch the good tv ( the 40 incher ) cause the kids are always playing games or watching something. Does he not understand I am a gringa and I can only take so much tv in spanish before I hit the roof. He always watched tv in English with me and on Occasion ( not all the time ) we would watch something in Spanish. I speak spanish very fluently though.

Oh, girl.....When hubby and I argue we do the same thing with the blankets and the usual phone calls. I do feel your pain.

The only way to work this out is to compromise on both of your parts. Sounds like right now, both of you are being stubborn and not determined to give an inch. Love can conquer a lot; but you both have to be willing to compromise for it.

I have been in a similar situation with my hubby's mother and her household back in Jamaica. She asked too much of me/him/us and it's been a real struggle in the past 2 years to come to an agreement on the issues we could both live with. We spent many arguments on the very subject.

[Kez/JWolf 6]

You say she has only been in the US for 2.5 months, how did she come to the US ? on which visa or is she a USC? something just dont sound right, he has no contact with his kids for years and then all of a suden his ex and his kids move to the US and the kids now live with him and his ex is just living here? am I missing some vital but of information?

[cnfused 0]

My guess is that you're not so much upset about the kids (they're just kids after all and you wouldn't have agreed to bring them over if you hadn't been willing to embrace those kids as your own).

The upsetting part is his "non-loyal" behavior he has been showing since the ex came into the picture. It can be upsetting if you feel that your husband is not rowing in the same direction as you are. It seems like you have brought the whole family over to your house, even though she obviously came to the US using a different path.

You need to make him understand how you feel about this whole situation. It is not the X who's causing trouble, it's your husband's lack of understanding for your feelings and needs. It is not acceptable to let anybody intrude in the privacy of your home and daily 20-min phone calls with an X are IMO a no-go as they make you feel insecure and in the back-seat of the car.

Talk with him in a calm way, tell him exactly what you think (without accusations or yelling ) and how you feel.Try to find out why he's trying to help her to this extended level and also ask him what he thinks your shared future should look like.Is he trying to help her only for a limited time until she has settled or is it going to be a certain lifestyle he wants to maintain.....these kind of questions.

Try to find out details about his point of view before you make any decisions, but also make sure that he knows exactly what is going on in your heart.

You should maybe also try to avoid mixing up two separated issues when talking with him about your problems- the kid's behavior and his behavior when it comes to the X.

Best of luck to you!

I have asked in a calm rational manner and he nevers responds or responds as saying why I am jealous. I expalin it is not jealousy but a matter of respecting the person who he is married too. I know there is a big cultural issue at hand here. I am full blooded Irish and very independent where as he has always been the provider of the family, but hey now his check does not cut it and mine is almost 3 times what he makes. I have been witht he same comapny for 15 years. He just started leagally working last July. I know this addtional conversation will have to wait. And just an FYI I specifically asked that he ask the EX to pick up the kids for a few hours on Mothers day so we could have a few moments alone ( tired of having to muffel myself ) and what happened NOTHING> She did not even come by and when I bought it up he said that he forgot all about it. I am not saying I am beofr ethe kids but an even level works good not a second class person that is for sure. I will update as we will try and discuss this this weekend.