MENA married to Americans...

[Jenn! 918]

For those of you who's husband's are not here yet but are posting in this thread...

you're ALL going to be surprised! Just because you discussed things ahead of time, agreed to things, or observed how they are in their home countries...it sure does not mean they are going to be like that here! Good or bad. But don't expect it to go just as it was when you visited him (or even if you LIVED with him!).

Well that's part of the excitement isn't it. You're right there is no telling how things will be when they get here because you can't control anyone. All I can be clear on is what is and isn't acceptable to me and to be clear in my head what I will and won't accept.

Absolutely! Its very exciting and wonderful to have your spouse finally here! I'm glad you are clear on what you are willing/not willing to accept. Buttttttttt... what will happen if he changes his mind? Are you going to just throw him back on a plane if he doesn't like your pet, your male friends, or (insert thing here)? Trust me, its not that easy. I had things I was crystal freaking clear on. But once he got here and things changed...its not so easy to say you still demand something and they demand the opposite. Then what?

Great question. It's a hot topic in this forum, though it's a relevant question for any marriage. I know they always say that ultimatums are unacceptable, but seriously...what happens when something comes up where compromise is just not an option?

[polarbear 0]

For those of you who's husband's are not here yet but are posting in this thread...

you're ALL going to be surprised! Just because you discussed things ahead of time, agreed to things, or observed how they are in their home countries...it sure does not mean they are going to be like that here! Good or bad. But don't expect it to go just as it was when you visited him (or even if you LIVED with him!).

Well that's part of the excitement isn't it. You're right there is no telling how things will be when they get here because you can't control anyone. All I can be clear on is what is and isn't acceptable to me and to be clear in my head what I will and won't accept.

Absolutely! Its very exciting and wonderful to have your spouse finally here! I'm glad you are clear on what you are willing/not willing to accept. Buttttttttt... what will happen if he changes his mind? Are you going to just throw him back on a plane if he doesn't like your pet, your male friends, or (insert thing here)? Trust me, its not that easy. I had things I was crystal freaking clear on. But once he got here and things changed...its not so easy to say you still demand something and they demand the opposite. Then what?

Great question. It's a hot topic in this forum, though it's a relevant question for any marriage. I know they always say that ultimatums are unacceptable, but seriously...what happens when something comes up where compromise is just not an option?

I agree... alhumdulla I haven't had that problem yet

So far, everything was pretty much as discussed or expected for me. No big hicups, and I consider myself very lucky that my hubby is willing to talk things out if something is bothering either one of us. But then again, he's only been here 5 months We'll see where we are in a year

[sarahaziz 0]

For those of you who's husband's are not here yet but are posting in this thread...

you're ALL going to be surprised! Just because you discussed things ahead of time, agreed to things, or observed how they are in their home countries...it sure does not mean they are going to be like that here! Good or bad. But don't expect it to go just as it was when you visited him (or even if you LIVED with him!).

Well that's part of the excitement isn't it. You're right there is no telling how things will be when they get here because you can't control anyone. All I can be clear on is what is and isn't acceptable to me and to be clear in my head what I will and won't accept.

Absolutely! Its very exciting and wonderful to have your spouse finally here! I'm glad you are clear on what you are willing/not willing to accept. Buttttttttt... what will happen if he changes his mind? Are you going to just throw him back on a plane if he doesn't like your pet, your male friends, or (insert thing here)? Trust me, its not that easy. I had things I was crystal freaking clear on. But once he got here and things changed...its not so easy to say you still demand something and they demand the opposite. Then what?

I would recommend everybody listen to this advice It is soo true. Sometimes they agree with you in the moment and think they can change you in the future to conform to their rules. That is controlling so as woman you have to step up and not let it pass you by.

[sandinista! 1,816]

How about expectations on support/assistance for the family back home?

Ohh, you're really gonna have to make him understand that thing with having Homosexual Friends. Not only are they male (which he won't accept his woman having) they also have an alternative sexual preference which is hated by MENA men/women.

Not by all, and there are plenty of people with alternative sexual preferences in the Middle East/North Africa.

You are right there are quite a few H.Sexuals but they aren't welcomed or out in the Open. In usa you can marry and hold hands. You get murdered or beat if you do that there.

I don't like the thought of support or assistance. My spouse said they don't need anything since they get money from France and that's almost double USD. I hope it stays that way!

We fought big time over that money issue whewwww!

massachusetts has marriage, but they are not recognized by the federal govt. other states have civil unions, etc., but it's a far, far stretch to say "In usa you can marry". and there's a whole lot of homosexuals murdered and beat here at home. i think it's trivializing to paint the picture that it's totally hunky-dory to be homosexual in the us. too much pain and suffering happens every day to be written off like that.

That's your opinion. This forum is an example. Women don't mind homosexuals and they will befriend them. I don't care that's not my life but the statement still stands it's more open here on american TV, people you see in the real world. It gives off to other countries that "America has lost it's values to let that happen". I assume and I'm just guessing here you believe in Gay rights it's why you are compassionate to them and it's not a bad thing at all. We have to be compassionate to everybody. I believe It was Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve. If you choose to go out in public and go against Old fashioned values and exclaim your gay you're basically asking for it. It's a risk. I don't wish to bash Gay rights so I will say I don't believe in them.

i can't make any sense of this mess.

[~Jackie~ 30]

[~~~water~~~ 0]

OK, here are some general issues which I have heard of people encountering or have had experienced myself or discussed myself:

1. Dress-- to cover up or not! - yes, no more shorter skirts also have to be more conservative

2. Friends of opposite sex, touching opposite sex, emailing/calling opposite sex I have one male friend at work ans although it was the source for discussion , he appreciates him now

3. attitudes about morality-- this can come up about homosexuality, watching movies, etc which have these subjects yes

4. cleaning/household maintenancehusband has been trying "new things"

5. pets its been a learning experience but my animals have found a way into his heart

6. religious tensions including icons source of discussion

7. familial relations-- i know my husband makes sure i call my family several times a week which i normally did anyway, but some may not be used to this yes

8. No more drinking at all , it's a hard one, but I knew this was the case even before we were engaged

Anyway, these are some of the things that I have heard about or had to deal with or talk about in my own relationship.

Edited April 21, 2008 by ~~~water~~~

[SaadBell 0]

Always has worked for me.

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. - Ann Bancroft

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are beautiful. - Anonymous

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

[Nasturtium 500]

Absolutely! Its very exciting and wonderful to have your spouse finally here! I'm glad you are clear on what you are willing/not willing to accept. Buttttttttt... what will happen if he changes his mind? Are you going to just throw him back on a plane if he doesn't like your pet, your male friends, or (insert thing here)? Trust me, its not that easy. I had things I was crystal freaking clear on. But once he got here and things changed...its not so easy to say you still demand something and they demand the opposite. Then what?

Yeah, no one can ever really prepare for that kind of situation. I know I tried to read up on the mahdabs ,yself and the cultures... I did a lot of participant observation and whatnot, and tried to gather what was the strictest forms of everything he could bring with him-- but in the end that was also a generalization and everyone is different and everything is tempered by the individual. Some might view Rev. Phelps as the strict-end of Christianity in America, and who knows-- others may view ME as that! And I'm def. not Rev. Phelps. So it's so hard to say. I'm glad Ammar didn't really change when he got here about most things... some things he became stricter about were things he was already strict about to begin with and I just went through my basic assesment of things:

1. Does it conflict with my religion?

2. Is it worth getting in a bunch over?

These are such personal assesments that no one is going to come up with the same answer on anything if they ask themselves these questions... but it's how I make my decisions for myself.

Edited April 21, 2008 by julianna

[sereia 0]

2. Is it worth getting in a bunch over?

I wish more people lived this way. Is this fight REALLY WORTH IT? Compromise is key, but unfortunately not that easy.

[Nasturtium 500]

2. Is it worth getting in a bunch over?

I wish more people lived this way. Is this fight REALLY WORTH IT? Compromise is key, but unfortunately not that easy.

That is so true... especially when one person is like this and the other is a "take no prisoners" kind of personality.

[sereia 0]

Its soooo easy to have it all mapped out. But also so easy to be thorougly disappointed when it doesn't go how you planned. Being crystal clear on what you will accept does no good when it involves another person who has the opposite crystal clear visions of what THEY will accept! lol

Edited April 21, 2008 by sereia

[nana_356 0]

Has anyone had to deal with having a child from a previous relationship, then entering in to a relationship with a Mena???

[Nasturtium 500]

Its soooo easy to have it all mapped out. But also so easy to be thorougly disappointed when it doesn't go how you planned. Being crystal clear on what you will accept does no good when it involves another person who has the opposite crystal clear visions of what THEY will accept! lol

[S and S 12]

One issue myself and my husband discuss often is swimming. You know in America that women wear practically nothing to swim. When I was Christian I tried to be careful, but it was nothing compared to what my husband expects of me and now that I am muslim. You see, swimming is in my blood, and much of my father's side of the family are natural born swimmers who competed. I haven't gone swimming since I converted to Islam, mostly lack of opportunity, but it is a huge issue. My husband says if I go swimming then I must have my body covered as in arms, shoulders, back, stomach, legs, etc. Of course this is limiting and will draw a lot of attention at the pool so it makes me not want to swim at all. We have discussed some ideas like finding a place that has women only swimming times or eventually getting a small, above ground pool for our backyard some day where I will have more privacy. It is a huge thing to give up though. Even then, I don't give it up as much for him as I do for religious reasons. I knew some things were going to be hard if I converted and I do my best to accept the good with the bad.

[sara..... 371]

One issue myself and my husband discuss often is swimming. You know in America that women wear practically nothing to swim. When I was Christian I tried to be careful, but it was nothing compared to what my husband expects of me and now that I am muslim. You see, swimming is in my blood, and much of my father's side of the family are natural born swimmers who competed. I haven't gone swimming since I converted to Islam, mostly lack of opportunity, but it is a huge issue. My husband says if I go swimming then I must have my body covered as in arms, shoulders, back, stomach, legs, etc. Of course this is limiting and will draw a lot of attention at the pool so it makes me not want to swim at all. We have discussed some ideas like finding a place that has women only swimming times or eventually getting a small, above ground pool for our backyard some day where I will have more privacy. It is a huge thing to give up though. Even then, I don't give it up as much for him as I do for religious reasons. I knew some things were going to be hard if I converted and I do my best to accept the good with the bad.

i will look for the site tonight but there is a site that caters to muslim womens swim wear.......they really look pretty nice to tell u the truth.....we swim at home in one of those mmm lol cheap target or walmart pools sure is not as good but gets the heat off lol