So is the marriage working?

[Jeraly 4]

I think a lot of VJ'ers are intelligent enough and certain enough to know what they're pursuing. I think all the immigration BS is kind of an "acid test" for the relationship, too... If both are willing to jump through all these hoops, there must be something...

Not only to jump through the hoops but to persevere with the stresses and strains of a long distance relationship while worrying about whether you will get approved, finding evidence, coping with relationship issues when you can't be together... I think this process has made my relationship with Jeremy much stronger and it has changed both of us for the better - I have more patience and understanding and have become a lot calmer for one - what will be, will be and so on

I know this doesn't sound very romantic, but I think that only about 25% of it is about finding the right match and 75% is just good old hard work and dedication.

If you are attracted to each other and committed to the relationship then you can make it work. You are not passengers back in seats 65A & 65B. You are pilot and copilot and you decide together if the plan flies or crashes.

Marriage is not about taking a chance; it is about two people making a decision and then sticking with that decision.

I agree!!! There has to be something to start with of course, but isn't it true that arranged marriages tend to have a lower divorce rate because they actually work together at building a relationship? Personally I feel that we started off on a rockier relationship but by working together towards a common goal (ie the visa) we have developed strategies to overcome problems and issues as a couple and I think that will be invaluable in married life

As for the meeting each other once thing - I can't *totally* understand it because I am not in that situation - personally I would have to spend more time with someone but I can understand that other people feel they are making the right decision - everyone is different

Jeremy and I met online about six years ago, tried to have a relationship, couldn't cope with the distance and generally it was a mess! Fast forward about three and a half years of intermittent communication and we start talking online more again. We fall in love, he comes to visit. We decide we want to make a proper go of a relationship and look into visas - we were originally looking at an unmarried partner's visa to give us time to be a couple but by the time we had read up on it we decided that if we were going to get married at around the time we could apply for that visa then we might as well go down the K-1 route. I was sure I wanted to spend more time together so last summer we spent 5 months living together, mainly for my peace of mind. In total I have visited Cali three times, once for two months and Jeremy has visited the UK four times. I am due to visit again in February then hopefully I will be moving there at the end of June

[NatalieC 1]

Yeah most the people here meet online I can see and then meet once before filing the visa. No problem for me.. I find it quite legit, but I met my love and we were together for 4 months first (LDR just started) :(. I'll see her again and maybe after a year or so get engaged and start the process. But I'm scared shitless about promising to marry that quickly, I love her to death but still. Just curious about how everything is working for those who didn't know each other long and have been married for a while. It just seems like a lot would get divorces really quickly after finally getting to live together. I'm really not trying to be a downer-I strongly believe in crazy love stories... just curious

being scared and being nervous / anxious are totally different IMO. usually saying yeah lets get married is the easy part ( if you know you should) there are always cold feet etc but usually its all ok .

because of the paper work and all that jazz , it adds a stress factor, and can make you want to pull your hair out but i REALLY dont think it should make you question whether you want to marry someone. if it does then you are not ready(again IMO). 'i love her but wow thats alot of paperwork and it scares me' really isnt what most ppl think when they get engaged or debate it.

again that is just my opinion, but i see a big difference between things that have been brought up.

you saying >I'll see her again and maybe after a year or so get engaged and start the process. < is basically "after we have a relationship for a while"

which is exactly what any couple should do that "while" is a different range of time for different folks. i knew immediately as did my husband that we wanted to get married, we didnt get officially engaged (ring and announcements yaddayadda) for 4 years. needed the simple things done, school, careers money, housing: all those nice things needed to live nicely and not add more stress to a situation (immigration) that would no doubt be stressful.

i personally say, take a peek at the process , tho it is always changing, have your LDR, try to visit eachother a bit, then see how you are in that year or so, you both may not think you are right for eachother after the relationship continues.

its always hard to see that side since nearly no one goes into a relationship thinking it isnt going to end happy.

then again you maybe bursting at the seams in love and happy to dive right in. the move will scare you, not the thought of marriage. i just think its great you found this site and arent going to be logging on here in a year saying "OMG i didnt realize it was this silly and complicated" which happens alot.

for our back ground, my now husband asked me if id marry him 4 days after we started to talk on the phone. my answer? sure if we get along in person

we met a month later for 3 days... all was great. then met a few days each month and on college breaks. from the beginning we both knew there was a proposal for marriage but we just continued our LDR and found VJ, 3 years later we finally decided to dive deeper into VJ and get officially engaged, after having been in a LDR for a while and had multiple RL visits. we did our year of paperwork and i moved and got married in 05 i was nearly 24 he was 25 (which is incredibly young to marry bymy standards, but im weird heck at least brian agreed.

the first thing we BOTH said was, if we had a the choice we would NOT begetting married immediately. we would rather i move here, have an "actual" relationship and see how we were and marry a few years after, but since thats not how immigration works, we couldnt. we werent scared of marriage (neither of us are afraid of divorce, if either of us werent happy, wed say see ya and leave) thankfully, we are doing fine not all couples make it obviously, so not all immigrant couples make it. it all depends on the 2 ppl involved and their situation and relationship.

either way, enjoy your relationship, enjoy each other, just know you have about a year of paperwork, and a good amount of cash standing your way of getting together permanently. knowing now prepares you and you wont be so ticked off when the time comes

welcome to VJ and hopefully when your times comes youll be one of the couples that make it

Edited December 30, 2007 by NatalieC

[j_hunt_12 0]

Yeah its crazy process. I'm actually very confident that we wont break up in the next year (I know everyone says that), which means we'll probably get engaged very soon. At that time I'll search for a job and once I know I got one, apply and wait... ohh yeah I'm still in college-- probably the only reason I'm waiting at all. The thing is, when it really comes down to it, the reason I'm even thinking about all this ####### so quickly is because I only have 2 options: Break-up, which is really not an option at all for me as I'm in love and she's perfect...blah blah blah; or get married. I just wish there was a "come for two years and see if your compatible...then get married visa"... lol... I think someone should propose that to congress... call it the responsible marriage act. It just seems like a lot of people like myself would just make a quick decision to marry that they would never make otherwise because of the visa situation.... not to say it's a bad decision!

But, I guess when it comes down to it commitment is key as is in all relationships.

I just wanted to vent a little and talk out my problems some.. haha. Seeing all the stories here is a huge help though. And I'm feeling a little better now.

[Emancipation 2]

We met in March 2006 and was married by Feb 2007. We visited back and forth about 6-7 times and my hubby asked me to marry him the first time we met (in June of 2006). We have both been married previously so I think that helped us both know what we wanted as well as (probably more importantly) what we didn't want. We've been married just under a year, but I have never been so happy and never felt so at home. The hours and hours on the phone communicating our desires and wishes for our relationship and our future together paid off IMO, because we both have a direction and a goal in mind thanks to our many many discussions in the months leading up to our marriage. I wouldn't trade that time of REALLY talking things over for anything.. Often many "local" couples don't get that much opportunity to talk things over and as a result I think have some rough seas ahead because they have to figure those things out "on the fly". We took the time before we were married and it has made all the difference in the world.

[caybee 21]

Another Columbia shoutout...

Anyway, we're only right at six months married and eight months living in the same city, so I know we're still honeymooning and our answer won't help you much. But we're one of the couples who met online and only had a couple of short visits together before he got his visa. So far, it's been wonderful. We addressed so many issues before he arrived, so we haven't had too many unpleasant surprises. It's hard work, certainly, like any marriage is, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

[chnst 6]

@j hunt 12: take it one step at a time. If you can make it Long distance then that's a good start.

we met in person in 2005, spent 2 months together and then 1,5 years LDR. They were very tough but we visited each other back and forth so the longest I haven't seen him were 4 months (I couldn't stand it, got on a plane to NYC on friday and had to be back to work in Germany monday)

We were on the phone for hours every day/night, sent emails and letters back and forth and all that communicating really connected us.

I had the same fears like you after we started talking marriage and after he proposed. I was scared telling my friends and family- they've hardly even met him and I was going off to another country to marry some guy they've met twice!

After we moved together and got married we expected to just live happily ever after but thats when the real problems started we didn't expect, like homesickness, the whole visa frustration, getting my RN license over here etc. But we've worked it through together and it's true- marriage is hard work! But it's all worth it and I'd never regret that decision!!

Edited December 30, 2007 by chnst

[JVKn'CVO 11]

LIKE A CHARM!

(We had 4 trips togehter though before I moved to the US with him )

Saludos,

Caro

Edited December 30, 2007 by JVKn'CVO

[Jeraly 4]

being scared and being nervous / anxious are totally different IMO. usually saying yeah lets get married is the easy part ( if you know you should) there are always cold feet etc but usually its all ok .

...

for our back ground, my now husband asked me if id marry him 4 days after we started to talk on the phone. my answer? sure if we get along in person

we met a month later for 3 days... all was great. then met a few days each month and on college breaks. from the beginning we both knew there was a proposal for marriage but we just continued our LDR and found VJ, 3 years later we finally decided to dive deeper into VJ and get officially engaged, after having been in a LDR for a while and had multiple RL visits. we did our year of paperwork and i moved and got married in 05 i was nearly 24 he was 25 (which is incredibly young to marry bymy standards, but im weird heck at least brian agreed.

the first thing we BOTH said was, if we had a the choice we would NOT begetting married immediately. we would rather i move here, have an "actual" relationship and see how we were and marry a few years after, but since thats not how immigration works, we couldnt. we werent scared of marriage (neither of us are afraid of divorce, if either of us werent happy, wed say see ya and leave) thankfully, we are doing fine not all couples make it obviously, so not

Oh I think I love you!!! I understand the difference totally - I feel really nervous - scared is a word I use as well but I know that I am making the right decision I always felt too young to marry too - I kinda felt that there needed to be a long relationship preceding a wedding with lots of living together and seeing if things would work... As it is we did our best in our situation by spending time living together for 5-6 months - ok not a lot by most peoples' standards but enough to pacify me a bit... We've been together, been apart, fought, argued... I've stormed out *so* many times (both literally and figuratively) that it isn't even funny... It has only been in the past say 5 months or so (and we've known each other 6 years, been together 2) that I have finally started being more philosophical about things - I've calmed a lot and found peace and it is amazing the change that has come over me...

On a quick other note in response to the being asked to marry in four days - Jeremy always said I was the woman he was going to marry - back when we first met We gave it a go and it didn't work and I put it behind me... now look at us! ... Luckily I am no big gambler