A Christmas Story

[Kathryn41 3,205]

Christmas With Louise

(This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.)

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose

over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted

was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa

checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas

morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed,

his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on

sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.

They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an

adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only

confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like,

"What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could

also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use

the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in

many different models. The top of the line, according to

the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book

on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was

at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took

a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle

pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the

wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone,

I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and

bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained

of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled

for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had

been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY

happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark,

start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose,

so the rest of the family could admire her when they came

over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked

in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer

her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was

Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance

saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,

sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal

by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,

talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting.

It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's

last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about

who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed,

when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the

bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty

hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front

of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through

my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees,

and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room,

and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough

examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.

We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to

the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape,

we restored her to perfect health!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

[Nessa 23]

[NavarreMan 10]

[LuzyC 0]

:lol:

[Mags 112]

Grandpa - what a star!

[almaty 19]

lol

[eau_xplain 2]

[*julez* 124]

Very funny! This is a story that actually made me laugh!

[Amby 490]

yeah it actually made me lol too :lol:

[wishbone 0]

Ahahaha, very funny! Grandpa is so serious, glad Louise is ok.