I'm thinking about divorcing my wife. Need Advice

[chayulan 1]

1 hour ago, bogrob said:

I thought about it  but I'm not sure how useful a marriage counselor would be. 

 

That's what I'm thinking but I feel like I need to give her the benefit of the doubt since everyone needs some time to adjust to a new place. I'm her 2nd boyfriend in her life so as stupid as it sounds, I think she doesn't know how to love someone. 

Hi! If you have marriage counseling im sure, the sessions will end in suggesting for you to be in separate ways. Relationships needed connection, sex gives strong connection to couples. When you are in love, the actions, the words, the feelings etc comes out naturally... she doesnt know how to love someone? how about her family? she doesnt love them? her friends? 

 

I understand how she felt about the last name, i felt that too, i was too attached and was very sentimental about it but you know i realized it would be a big disrespect to my husband if i kept my father's last name, my father told me "imagine what i would feel if i your mother didn't take my last name?" plus i love my husband so much and i want to be marked as his  I agree with what the others said. she's here for the gc.  

[mrandmrsBRS 116]

I still have my last name but only because it was too expensive to file the form to change my name. I’ll probably change it once I can apply for citizenship. I do not wear my ring, and neither does my husband...Only on special occasions. I don’t because I couldn’t wear it during pregnancy and the ring is heavy and now it really bothers me, idk why. My husband is not allowed to wear his at work, he is an aircraft mechanic. 

 

Also, I haven’t worked yet, so I couldn’t help with paying the bills. I got pregnant 4 months after I came to the US. The military moved us and so it didn’t make

sense and I had awful nausea. Then I gave birth and we are now trying to find a daycare so I can study and go back to work.

 

I don’t want to say that she is only in it

for the green card, but it could very well be that she is. I would suggest going to a marriage counselor and if that doesn’t help or if it gets worse show her the door..

 

I am sorry you are going through this!

[Orangesapples 1,954]

30 minutes ago, chayulan said:

Hi! If you have marriage counseling im sure, the sessions will end in suggesting for you to be in separate ways. Relationships needed connection, sex gives strong connection to couples. When you are in love, the actions, the words, the feelings etc comes out naturally... she doesnt know how to love someone? how about her family? she doesnt love them? her friends? 

 

I understand how she felt about the last name, i felt that too, i was too attached and was very sentimental about it but you know i realized it would be a big disrespect to my husband if i kept my father's last name, my father told me "imagine what i would feel if i your mother didn't take my last name?" plus i love my husband so much and i want to be marked as his  I agree with what the others said. she's here for the gc.  

The last name doesn't matter. Would OP take her last name? How would you feel if you had to prove your love by changing your name? Facebook and rings don't matter either. So forget complaining about them, it's a bit petty. The lack of affection is concerning though. Focus on this issue, as well as the bills. 

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

46 minutes ago, Ben&Zian said:

Money wise, everyone is different. My husband sends some money home now and then, but he also transfers money to me for car insurance monthly(I pay for the plan), he wants to even give extra for the phone plane but he has car payment also so I tell him keep it, other than that I pay for everything which is fine I make a lot more.. but he at least wants to pay for things.. I would be a bit alarmed if I were you if she really doesn't want to assist at all.

I am in complete agreement with you on this. At least your husband helps out as much as he can and he wants to help out more. That's why was like have her pay a simple small bill monthly to help out and help him feel better. I know when my wife starts working she will send money home, save some, and help pay a couple bills as well. 

[RLA 323]

29 minutes ago, bogrob said:

As a man, I wonder if I'm being insecure or needy. 

No, you're not needy.  You want to feel loved by your spouse, appreciated and respected.  That's the most fundamental thing that people want out of romantic relationships.  You don't feel loved because of the lack of sex and because she seems to be almost ashamed of being married to you.  On the other hand you say that she calls you pet names and wants to cuddle when you two are at home. 

 

Maybe she really doesn't love you and is only in it for the Green Card.  However, I rather think that there's a lot of emotional miscommunication going on in your marriage, probably due to both cultural and personal differences.  Maybe there are more benign reasons for her behavior, such as: 

• Maybe in her culture, people are more private about their relationships, and she doesn't like showing off her married status. 
• Maybe adjusting to life in America has taken a toll on her libido. 
• Maybe she just doesn't understand how important sex is for you, and how important symbols of your marriage are. 
• Maybe she doesn't feel loved by you, and it's affecting both her libido and her hesitation around symbols of your marriage. 

A marriage counselor should be able to help you find out if any of this is true, and to find ways to work this out so that both of you can be happy in this marriage. 

[Illiria 980]

The last name thing, she probably didn’t realize how much it meant until she had moved and it may have felt like losing the last bit of her cultural identity.

 

The sex, why does it all come down to sex with men who import women, might be for other medical reasons not just meds. Friend of mine had sex with her boyfriends in her home town moved country for school and met someone new and developed Dyspareunia which led to vaginismus when she tried to push sex when she just wasn’t able to. Luckily she had an understanding boyfriend and was able to after several years of therapy and techniques to get her body to relax to have a normal sex life again. It was the stress of moving that led to the initial issue and pushing sex a couple of times that made it to the more complex issue. 

 

Not saying it’s this exact for her but she might be too embarrassed to tell you why she doesn’t want it, you did say you are only her second boyfriend.

 

You say she isn’t affectionate but also say she loves to cuddle when watching stuff, so which is it? Or by affectionate do you just mean sex or what you consider foreplay?

[RLA 323]

51 minutes ago, chayulan said:

Relationships needed connection, sex gives strong connection to couples.

And a strong connection makes for more and better sex.  It's a chicken-and-egg thing. 

[Little_Vixen 1,869]

2 minutes ago, RLA said:

And a strong connection makes for more and better sex.  It's a chicken-and-egg thing. 

I once heard that sex is only 10% of a marriage. Until there's a problem, then its 90%.

[chayulan 1]

17 minutes ago, RLA said:

And a strong connection makes for more and better sex.  It's a chicken-and-egg thing. 

true. but that's our opinion  

 

Best thing to do is to talk her. After all, communication with honesty is always the key. 

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

1 hour ago, mrandmrsBRS said:

I still have my last name but only because it was too expensive to file the form to change my name. I’ll probably change it once I can apply for citizenship. I do not wear my ring, and neither does my husband...Only on special occasions. I don’t because I couldn’t wear it during pregnancy and the ring is heavy and now it really bothers me, idk why. My husband is not allowed to wear his at work, he is an aircraft mechanic. 

You were pregnant and gained weight so that is understandable. I told my wife to take hers off because she kept wearing it even when it was starting to hurt and get stuck, so I did what was right.

 

Then your husband has good leadership if they told him not to wear his ring at work. I was a Telecommunication Technician/Mechanic with the Marines we did not wear our rings either. When you are working on a equipment you sure do not want something to spark over onto your hand or get your hand stuck somewhere due to a ring. Also what's funny now is that my wife complains about my gold ring being scuffed up and worn because I wear it all the time even at work.

[lusiaan 82]

All I'm going to say is that it's really hard to judge a person by one post on the internet... especially if it's written from someone's else perspective (I'm not saying OP is lying though). You don't know her and you already know that she doesn't love him and used him from a green card. Yes, there are indicators to think so. It's a possibilty. But it's OP's job to figure it out, it's his wife. Maybe her side of story is different. Maybe she's dealing with something on her own. Don't look for the truth about your marriage on the internet- people can only guess here. And remember,  your relationship should make you happy. Good luck.

Edited February 22, 2018 by lusiaan

[AdilB 15]

3 hours ago, bogrob said:

Sorry if this turns out to be long but I need to vent. I met my fiancee 3 years ago and started the K1 process for her. She's been living with me here in the US since August 2016. I think she is happy in this marriage but I'm not happy for several reasons. I'm torn because I want to divorce her and call it quits but I don't know if that's the right/fair thing to do right now. Here are the issues that I have with her:

 

-She didn't take my last name. Prior to her coming here, she said that she would take my last name. Once she got married here (court house wedding), she decided she would keep her own last name. We fought briefly over it but she said that she would feel like she's giving up her identity by taking my last name. She said it would be disrespectful to her father. Although I was upset, I tried to let it go. It still hurt that she didn't say this before she came and obviously it's still an issue since I'm still thinking about it now.

 

-We don't have sex. When I used to visit her in her country, we would have sex almost daily. Since she's been here in the US, we rarely have sex. Last year (2017) we had sex twice. Yes you read that right. Twice! Now if I initiate and give her oral sex, she enjoys that. But as far as traditional sex, she has no sex drive here. When I try to initiate, she acts like she is tired. She has never given me oral sex which is something she said she would do before she came. As of 2018, we haven't had sex yet although I have given her oral sex several times. I don't know what to think about this. I don't know if I'm just not asserting myself enough or what. I sat her down and told her I need sex and I'm not a robot. She said she will try harder but I have not seen any change. This is probably the most frustrating issue of all.

 

-She shows little to no affection. She used to didn't kiss me until I called her out on it. Now I do get a peck on the lips before she goes to work in the morning. Besides that, I initiate all affection. Foot massages, hugs, etc.... I initiate it all. I feel that if I never touched her, she would be happy about it.

 

-She doesn't seem to be proud of our marriage. Sometimes I don't even feel married at all. She doesn't wear her ring at all. On Facebook, she's "In a relationship" but it doesn't say with who. I think I'm in 1 picture on her facebook but besides that, I feel she doesn't claim me if that makes any sense. This hurts because I see friends facebook and even the ones that aren't married show pictures of their significant other. People that are married claim each other and are proud of it. Now in her defense, we did plan on returning to her country one day for a formal wedding but I don't even know when that will be.

 

-She doesn't help on bills. She's not making much money on her job so I don't pressure her to contribute to the household. Still, she promised before she came that she would work and help out with bills. Maybe this issue wouldn't seem so bad if all the other issues didn't exist. 

 

-She forgot our anniversary. Our anniversary was Feb 6th. I reminded her about a week prior and she said "Oh maybe we can go somewhere". She didn't seem enthused or excited at all so I just let the day come and go. She didn't mention anything about our anniversary. I brought it up this morning that we missed it and she acted all distraught like she was so sorry she forgot.

 

Overall, I feel like I'm not getting anything from this marriage. I feel like my job is to take care of her. All I do is provide room and board at this point. When we are home together, she acts like she loves me. She calls me pet names and wants to cuddle watching movies. Outside of that, I'm getting nothing from this marriage. I feel like I'm giving her all my non-sexual energy and none of my sexual energy. I thought we would have children and start a new life but I feel she is ashamed of me. I'm in my mid 30's and starting at the Fire academy next month. In less than a year, I'll be starting a new career as a Firefighter. Right now, I can't even concentrate because these issues have me stressed out and depressed. On one hand, I want to tell her that I want a divorce and we should move on. On the other hand, I don't know if I need to give her more time to learn to love me. I don't know if I should just pull back my love and focus more on myself until I decide what to do. I'm too young to be in a sexless unaffectionate marriage. I'm not the most handsome guy but I know I can do better. Still, I've invested so much in this marriage so it's hard to let it go. Finally, she has no family in this country so her options would be limited if we divorced. She could return to her country but I doubt she would do that. She would most likely just need to save some money and get her own place. Anyway, sorry for venting for so long. I'm confused and I'm hoping someone here can lend some useful advice. 

If you are not happy, you are making someone else happy here. 

Pardon my being blunt, but have you gained weight? Do you drink a lot?

Have you changed in anyway since she has known you? Have you cheated on her?

Could she be turned off by anything since you 2 have met?

Does she take any medication? Has anything happened in her life recently? Traumatized? 

If you answered no to all the above, divorce her and do not expect her to leave the US nor should

you seek revenge in anyway. You got used. Accept it. Learn from it and move on. Best of luck to you.

[-Trinity- 513]

Sorry, haven't read all the comments, so this might have been brought up already:

 

She is from Ethiopia you said, is there a chance that she is been genitally mutilated? 

A relationship without sex is not working, but maybe understanding the reason behind her refusing having sex with you can help?

 

I haven't that many pics of my husband and me on my FB either, sometimes I forget to put on my wedding ring, and I still have my own name... that's part of my identity. Although I did change it in FB to my husband's name.

All of this doesn't say anything about whether I love my husband or not... atleast in my opinion.

Edited February 22, 2018 by -Trinity-

[Aussielad 37]

4 hours ago, bogrob said:

That's understandable but for us, we don't have children or sex. I don't know if I'm being insecure about her not wearing the ring and putting in on facebook. 

I think you have to take your goggles off....she DOES NOT wear her wedding ring...nothing at all on FB...she is NOT intimate with you....how much more evidence do you need....its right there in front of you...

 

the reality is that she DOES NOT love you....its a hard reality, but sometimes we have to accept it and let go.

 

All the red flags are there....you decide....God bless you.

[-Trinity- 513]

Ring and last name might be also a cultural thing, or preference, think emancipation.