I'm thinking about divorcing my wife. Need Advice

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

2 minutes ago, bogrob said:

 

It hurts to read that because it's how I feel. I am stressed and depressed. I don't feel happy at all even though I have a ton of things to be happy about. As a man, I wonder if I'm being insecure or needy. I wonder if things needs to be like this for now until she comes around. That's where my indecision comes in. Plus the fact that life would be significantly harder for her here if we divorced. It makes me feel that she might say anything to change my mind if I challenge her with divorce. Going home for her is out of the question and I'm 100% sure she would not return home even if I bought her a ticket and dropped her at the airport. 

I want you to read this from another VJ member and tell me what you think he should do. I completed understand that it is really hard for you right now to work through all of this but we are here for you.

 

 

 

[Boiler 43,430]

Divorce and move on, sounds like you were used for a way out, an investment by her family.

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

Just now, Boiler said:

Divorce and move on, sounds like you were used for a way out, an investment by her family.

2nd time I wanted to rep you today but you already have to many. Can I skim some off of you?

[Chris Duffy 1,256]

1 minute ago, cyberfx1024 said:

2nd time I wanted to rep you today but you already have to many. Can I skim some off of you?

Most of his post are on point all the time.

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

1 minute ago, Chris Duffy said:

Most of his post are on point all the time.

Yeah I know I just wanted to comment on it.

[cyclone27 710]

Obviously she doesn’t love you nor wants to put time/effort in the marriage

 

A marriage is a partnership no point carrying on if you don’t have her active participation whether it’s financial, emotional or sexual in nature. 

[bogrob 12]

6 minutes ago, cyberfx1024 said:

I think it is wrong for her NOT to help at least alittle bit. Ask her to pay a small bill something like the gas, phone, internet maybe something like $1-200 a month at the most that's it. I know it's not about the money but you have to feel that she is contributing to the marriage, which at this point in time she is not.

 

Also what got me is that you two are newlyweds still and SHE forgot the anniversary. Which women hardly ever forget the anniversary unless they are super dupper busy or just don't care. I know I forgot our anniversary the 1st year and I was in the dog house for a week let me tell you.

 

Exactly how I feel! She should be on my ### about forgetting the anniversary, not the other way around. I truly feels like she doesn't care. 

[Khallaf 646]

4 minutes ago, bogrob said:

 

It hurts to read that because it's how I feel. I am stressed and depressed. I don't feel happy at all even though I have a ton of things to be happy about. As a man, I wonder if I'm being insecure or needy. I wonder if things needs to be like this for now until she comes around. That's where my indecision comes in. Plus the fact that life would be significantly harder for her here if we divorced. It makes me feel that she might say anything to change my mind if I challenge her with divorce. Going home for her is out of the question and I'm 100% sure she would not return home even if I bought her a ticket and dropped her at the airport. 

I don't want to be the one to be on the divorce train, but it sounds like you have tried to talk to her about your feelings, she says she will do better but it hasn't changed, you need to do what in your heart you know you need to do but being a man of moral values, you know it would be hard on her, if she has no friends no family, here yes harder on her, but an emotional drain on you creating anxiety on you, this isn't what you signed up for. You signed up to be committed to a marriage to love honor and cherish through good times and in bad times, however marriage is a partnership, a commitment that takes more than 1 side to accomplish. 

 

IMO give her the chance, bring up marriage counseling, and express your feelings, see how the reaction of the counseling goes, if is accepted well try things, if things stall or she makes excuses as to why she can't go doesn't want to go when it comes time, you can tell her divorce is the next option see if she changes you can wait a time set by you, if still no changes file, have her served with the papers, allow her to stay in the home until she makes enough money for her own place deposit first month rent and a bed, help her manage finance as what it will take to live on her own and then end the ties move on and start to heal.

[bogrob 12]

7 minutes ago, cyberfx1024 said:

I want you to read this from another VJ member and tell me what you think he should do. I completed understand that it is really hard for you right now to work through all of this but we are here for you.

 

 

 

 

Wow. He sounds a little worse off than me but one thing that stuck out is that his wife told him to get a firmer mattress. My wife told me after she came that she didn't want to have kids until I bought another house. Me and my ex bought this house together and I got it in the divorce. Anyway, back to your question, I would tell him to divorce her. Yes, I know that's what I should probably do too.

[jkstark 97]

As others have already said, there may be underlying issues here that you don't know about...  The divorce option is certainly a possibility, and it may end up going that way for your sanity, but there are obviously reasons you got married in the first place, so I would make sure that you have looked at all the options first...

 

Marriage counseling is, IMHO, a critical starting point.  It will be a good way to gauge what is going on, and may well bring out a critical piece of what is happening, and what is causing you both to be in a disconnected state the way that you are.  I know that people are hesitant to go that way, but at this stage for you, I would make counseling a hard stop position for her - ie. go with you to counseling or go home.  The marriage is broken, and something needs to be done to fix it or else call it quits.

 

It sounds like she did a full personality change once she left her home, which is not entirely unheard of - it is possible that there is an underlying psychological issue going on there too.  That is a lot of changes to go through in  a short period, with not much of a support network for her.  Counseling will help bring that out if it is the case, and then you will have the option to find a solution for that side of things too.  Depression (not necessarily clinical depression) may well bring about a lack of a  sex drive and a general malaise that will easily manifest in the type of issues that you are seeing, but without having somebody else look into what you are facing, it is nearly impossible to determine what actually is going on.

 

Have you both sat down and discussed all these issues between yourselves?  Have you been clear about how you feel, and what your concerns are?  Have you been clear about what exactly is bringing you down in the relationship?  Don't mince words, beat around the bush, or try to avoid the discussion - you will find yourself worse in the hole, and start to resent her for it.  Your resentment will show, and she will begin to resent you as well - leading to a situation where you won't be able to fix anything if it is indeed fixable.

 

Go see a professional, and try to see what is going on...

 

Good luck!

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

11 minutes ago, bogrob said:

 

Wow. He sounds a little worse off than me but one thing that stuck out is that his wife told him to get a firmer mattress. My wife told me after she came that she didn't want to have kids until I bought another house. Me and my ex bought this house together and I got it in the divorce. Anyway, back to your question, I would tell him to divorce her. Yes, I know that's what I should probably do too.

How big is the house if you don't mind me asking? If it's almost paid off or a nice house that you are paying on then no I would not get rid of it at all.

 

I just posted that so you can have a little perspective.

Edited February 22, 2018 by cyberfx1024

[nelmagriffin 140]

Greetings!

Have a good and deep conversation with her. Let all your feelings and questions be known to her and listen to what she says then tell her what you asked us? then go from there.

Normally anyone that is in love does not need to be told but some have reasons or claimed that they are too shy and insensitive but human as we all are we all observed and feel based upon what others are showing to us especially with our partners. ( I do hope that you talked to her first about your problem before this forum)

And before you moved on, try to count all the good things that she had with you and the good qualities that she has. Let's say she has 3 bad qualities and 7 good ones, is it really worth to file a divorce? can it be communicated well instead of telling her that sounded like a demand to her/ culture wise? If not then let her know how you truly feel and tell her what is bothering you. PLEASE! Do not talk to her when you are mad.

Goodluck,

Nelma

Edited February 22, 2018 by nelmagriffin

[Little_Vixen 1,869]

42 minutes ago, bogrob said:

I wonder if I'm being insecure or needy

If you are in a healthy and loving relationship there is nothing wrong with being needy. I am a very needy person and so is my fiancé. To me it's a sign of how much he loves me and how much he wants me. He feels the same way about my neediness.

Being needy has been given a bad rap. This generation wants to be individuals, unique and independent. I'm a bit more old fashioned I think. I see me and my partner as 'an item'. We are one unit. One team. We support each other. But to be able to support one, the other has to support back or your tower collapses.

 

 

My mother once told me something when I was having trouble with my friends back when I was a teen, and I still live by it today: If you don't get as much or more energy out of a relationship than you put in, it's time to get out.

[Ben&Zian 4,397]

sounds like a lot agree. Bring up marriage counseling. See what she says. If she agrees willingly, that's good... if she holds out and doesn't want to even try, then at least you see it.

 

Money wise, everyone is different. My husband sends some money home now and then, but he also transfers money to me for car insurance monthly(I pay for the plan), he wants to even give extra for the phone plane but he has car payment also so I tell him keep it, other than that I pay for everything which is fine I make a lot more.. but he at least wants to pay for things.. I would be a bit alarmed if I were you if she really doesn't want to assist at all.

 

 

[HappyBunny 22]

I would express all of my feelings to her. I think she is only waiting to get her GC though. If she isn't interested in the marriage, i doubt counseling will help.