I'm thinking about divorcing my wife. Need Advice

[Khallaf 646]

5 minutes ago, cyberfx1024 said:

My wife doesn't wear her ring because she gained some weight during her pregnancy with our 2nd child and I told her to take it off so it wouldn't get stuck. She is now losing the weight and will soon wear it again. But for FB purposes she is all over that with pictures of me and her together.

your wife had a valid reason not to wear her ring, and congrats on the growing family, I am happy that you have someone to help. I to have been the route of the hurt and trying to mend. 

[bogrob 12]

Just now, Going through said:

The sex thing....I get it, it *is* important in a relationship.  Perhaps there is a medical reason behind the lack of sex drive, however....certain types of prescription medication/ailments can lower the libido...might be a stretch but worth finding out for your sake (giving her the benefit of the doubt here, bedroom-wise).

 

The last name thing...I initially balked on that one too, truth be told.  Part of it was my self-reasoning that I'm giving up my country, I'm giving up my family, I'm giving up my friends, I'm giving up my job, I'm giving up my lifestyle, I'm giving up my home and a lot of my belongings....what, you want me to give up my NAME too!?!?  (how I thought to myself at the time when the topic first came up).

 

All the other stuff....perhaps you both would do well with a marriage counselor if you want to save your marriage as it sounds like there's a lot of resentment/underlying issues built up over the years. 

 

As for the "only in it for the green card" angle----only you will have seen the early warning signs of that, in hindsight.  Any other clues in regards to that?

 

She's not taking any medication that would hurt her sex drive. She's just not interested and avoids it. I understand the last name thing but my issue is that she should have told me before she came. She initially said that she wouldn't have any problems taking my last name. It was when she came here and we got married that she all of a sudden had an issue with it. I never saw any red flags about her green card and even now, she doesn't have it. She has the work permit but we are waiting for the green card. Do you honestly think that marriage counseling would work? I don't know why but I just don't have a lot of faith in that. 

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

Just now, Khallaf said:

your wife had a valid reason not to wear her ring, and congrats on the growing family, I am happy that you have someone to help. I to have been the route of the hurt and trying to mend. 

I know I am just trying to say sometimes women don't wear the ring due to other issues. But it sounds like in this case it is just because she does not want to wear it.

[Christy&J 837]

I think if the only issues were about not showing off on FB or not wear wedding ring, then I would say its not a reason for divorcement. but sex ? how could you have sex twice a year with someone you " love " ?

regarding Facebook, my fiancé used to never post anything about us due to his job as it wasn't allowed. but once he got another job he post every now and then. we don't show we are in relationship with each other on FB either, and with ring, I as other already mentioned it shouldn't be an issues .

 

in my opinion, she is trying to win some time to get ROC. I can guarantee 100% she would leave you when she got Green Card as you served your function and she got what she needs.

 

I would leave her, and be happy !

 

[bogrob 12]

2 minutes ago, cyberfx1024 said:

If I were you I would say something about the ring in all honesty. But to me this is all adding up to where she is only here for the GC. Does she send her money home to Ethiopia?

 

Yes she regularly sends money home to her parents there. That's why I don't press her about helping with bills since her money isn't a lot. Still, it becomes an issue when I criticize the big picture. 

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

1 minute ago, bogrob said:

 

She's not taking any medication that would hurt her sex drive. She's just not interested and avoids it. I understand the last name thing but my issue is that she should have told me before she came. She initially said that she wouldn't have any problems taking my last name. It was when she came here and we got married that she all of a sudden had an issue with it. I never saw any red flags about her green card and even now, she doesn't have it. She has the work permit but we are waiting for the green card. Do you honestly think that marriage counseling would work? I don't know why but I just don't have a lot of faith in that. 

It will only work IF she wants it to work, if she does not want it to work then no it won't.

[Khallaf 646]

1 minute ago, bogrob said:

 

She's not taking any medication that would hurt her sex drive. She's just not interested and avoids it. I understand the last name thing but my issue is that she should have told me before she came. She initially said that she wouldn't have any problems taking my last name. It was when she came here and we got married that she all of a sudden had an issue with it. I never saw any red flags about her green card and even now, she doesn't have it. She has the work permit but we are waiting for the green card. Do you honestly think that marriage counseling would work? I don't know why but I just don't have a lot of faith in that. 

IMO, if she isn't showing respect for the talks you already have had, what is bringing in a 3rd party, maybe that 3rd party would be able to get her to open up about the underlying issues she is having or is thinking, so it is possible.

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

1 minute ago, bogrob said:

 

Yes she regularly sends money home to her parents there. That's why I don't press her about helping with bills since her money isn't a lot. Still, it becomes an issue when I criticize the big picture. 

Ok, but for her not to even offer to help out is a slap in the face. My wife fills legitimately bad because she can't help out with the bills right now, but we have a 1 year old so daycare would cost more than what she makes and she doesn't want to give up time with her.

[Chris Duffy 1,256]

Divorce her

[bogrob 12]

1 minute ago, Khallaf said:

IMO, if she isn't showing respect for the talks you already have had, what is bringing in a 3rd party, maybe that 3rd party would be able to get her to open up about the underlying issues she is having or is thinking, so it is possible.

I see what you are saying. I just felt that marriage counseling wouldn't be useful since they might not have experience with dealing with someone new to this country. Everyone that has been through the K1 process knows that it puts its own unique strain on a marriage. Let alone all of the other issues that we are having. 

[bogrob 12]

2 minutes ago, cyberfx1024 said:

Ok, but for her not to even offer to help out is a slap in the face. My wife fills legitimately bad because she can't help out with the bills right now, but we have a 1 year old so daycare would cost more than what she makes and she doesn't want to give up time with her.

So do you think it would be wrong for me to ask her to help. I have more than enough to handle everything but some months can be tougher than others. I think it's not about the money. I just want to feel that she loves me or at least cares about me like she used to tell me. 

[Going through 5,668]

Marriage counselling is good in that it allows the two of you address problems without it resulting in an all out screaming-match, tantrum, slamming doors and walking out to avoid the conversation, etc.  The conversation is more "controlled" in a way so you can (hopefully) actually listen to each other's concerns and get your own points across to each other.  It's not a one-time fix, however----once you leave the counselling session you both have to continue to work on it at home inbetween sessions---that's the hardest part, I would imagine.

 

Y'know----this actually might be another way to see if she really IS into the marriage for all the right reasons.....suggest marriage counselling to her, and see what her reaction is.   

[Khallaf 646]

Just now, bogrob said:

I see what you are saying. I just felt that marriage counseling wouldn't be useful since they might not have experience with dealing with someone new to this country. Everyone that has been through the K1 process knows that it puts its own unique strain on a marriage. Let alone all of the other issues that we are having. 

I want to tell you something, I married a man and brought him here in 2010, we got married in 2011, what she is doing is the same things that were done to me, I didn't want to see it, I didn't want to admit it to myself, and I most certainly didn't want anyone to say the "I told you so". My husband at that time waiting 5 years 2 days after having gotten his citizenship to tell me that he never loved me, he didn't want to be with me and wanted a divorce.  ALL leading up to was everything you have described....I lost all of who I was I lost my self esteem, I lost the feeling of being loved, I felt alone and betrayed.

 

Do not let yourself get to where I was, notice the signs early, if sitting her down and talking about all you feel and all you notice does not change, then you need to arrange a plane ticket for her and get her out!

 

what she is doing IMO is sucking your life, love, and happiness...

[bogrob 12]

1 minute ago, Khallaf said:

I want to tell you something, I married a man and brought him here in 2010, we got married in 2011, what she is doing is the same things that were done to me, I didn't want to see it, I didn't want to admit it to myself, and I most certainly didn't want anyone to say the "I told you so". My husband at that time waiting 5 years 2 days after having gotten his citizenship to tell me that he never loved me, he didn't want to be with me and wanted a divorce.  ALL leading up to was everything you have described....I lost all of who I was I lost my self esteem, I lost the feeling of being loved, I felt alone and betrayed.

 

Do not let yourself get to where I was, notice the signs early, if sitting her down and talking about all you feel and all you notice does not change, then you need to arrange a plane ticket for her and get her out!

 

what she is doing IMO is sucking your life, love, and happiness...

 

It hurts to read that because it's how I feel. I am stressed and depressed. I don't feel happy at all even though I have a ton of things to be happy about. As a man, I wonder if I'm being insecure or needy. I wonder if things needs to be like this for now until she comes around. That's where my indecision comes in. Plus the fact that life would be significantly harder for her here if we divorced. It makes me feel that she might say anything to change my mind if I challenge her with divorce. Going home for her is out of the question and I'm 100% sure she would not return home even if I bought her a ticket and dropped her at the airport. 

[Cyberfx1024 7,978]

2 minutes ago, bogrob said:

So do you think it would be wrong for me to ask her to help. I have more than enough to handle everything but some months can be tougher than others. I think it's not about the money. I just want to feel that she loves me or at least cares about me like she used to tell me. 

I think it is wrong for her NOT to help at least alittle bit. Ask her to pay a small bill something like the gas, phone, internet maybe something like $1-200 a month at the most that's it. I know it's not about the money but you have to feel that she is contributing to the marriage, which at this point in time she is not.

 

Also what got me is that you two are newlyweds still and SHE forgot the anniversary. Which women hardly ever forget the anniversary unless they are super dupper busy or just don't care. I know I forgot our anniversary the 1st year and I was in the dog house for a week let me tell you.