Jump to content
 Share

16 posts in this topic

Recommended Posts

Filed: Timeline

My ex, I believe, is a covert narcissist. Me, a codependent. Very bad mix of people. Fireworks at first, wow did I think I was in love. I think emotional abuse can be just as extreme as physical abuse. He set the seed for my own self destruction, basically watched me fall apart while he was Mr. Cool guy with no issues. These long distance relationships have the potential to really blossom and be amazing, but they can also be very dark with someone who shows strong personality disorder tendencies. 

 

The night he left I for once didn't go chasing after him, begging to forgive me for doing nothing wrong. Which he hated and then decided to go back home and throw me away like I don't mean anything to him. He went back and we didn't speak for a week or so. Then we talked and of course it was all my fault. His drinking problem, my fault. His mom kicking him out, not having any money, my fault. His personality did some 180s once he got back, being very vulgar and even putting my mom down. Then he also messaged me a week after that, he had gone to the Philippines with his friend on a vacation. Found a new woman and even sent me pictures of her. What is he 18? No he's 39. He also told me he's going on dating sites and sleeping with woman. Mature. It helps me actually remove all my feelings and not hurt, this is not a person that loves me and I deserve better. 

 

So I have no real idea who this guy is. At all. We would always joke about 90 day fiance and how sorry the relationships were. We would have been stars. 

 

So I'm leaving next month for my new job. Amazing state. I talked to a lawyer and it's going to be 2500 down for the divorce. I know it's not a ton of money, but when you're moving and wanting to buy a home, money is tight. Do I choose to divorce immediately or a better opportunity? I feel like this relationship has already taken enough of me. 3 years of my life I spent trying to fix things and bring us together. Only to be emotionally broken down. He will not corporate at all. He says he will send documents, but then he said he dosnt have the money for postage (victim here, guess he shouldnt have spent all his money on alcohol, clothes, McDonald's and a vacation to find a replacement). Then I've also got the moving issue. Do I fly back for the divorce? Do I just wait and try to do it in my new state later? Is it even possible once I move? If I post it in the paper it takes a month! 

 

I'm actually worried he might try to go after me for something. He has lied to me so many times. His personality changes hourly. I can't trust a word the man says. He tells me I'm abusive. I don't want to go into too much detail but I think I was heavily brainwashed in a very covert way. It's like hes controlling, but not your typical control freak. He would never say, "don't do that", or "you can't go there". It's a completely different technique that makes you question your own sanity and self worth. Flips everything so he's the victim. Me being the codependent, I always fell for it, it was like falling down a never ending hole. He would have allowed me to keep falling too had I stopped feeling sorry for him. He left the country though, I should be in the clear right? Plus he's supposedly broke. Or course when I talk to a lawyer they tell me to do it NOW. Is it really necessary if he's left the country? 

 

 I just don't want things to bite me in the ### later. Also, when he was here he got in a huge fight at the bar. It was one of the many nights he decided to leave his family, told me to off, and went out drinking (with all his bags). Ended up going to the hospital and getting stitches. He owes about 3500 in medical expenses. To be honest this is annoying. I work in healthy care. Insurance is so expensive and it's partly because of this. He'll never pay it. But could I report it to the uscis? I'm not about screwing him over. Or maybe I am. I do feel I was used for a good, fun time.. Not an actual marriage. Which is what he made me believe he wanted. But it's some loser from another country using our system, being a child, and not taking responsibility for his actions. Now I realize why the process is so hard. But it still dosnt keep mentally unwell people out. 

 

Sorry for the long post. I don't want to underestimate how manipulative and deceitful this man truly is. I sometimes still see the cognitive dissonance, he's a horrible guy or, he's not that bad and will change. Should I hold off on the divorce? can I wait until I move states? is it really going to make a difference if I wait another 6 months to file divorce? But then it leaves time and space for him to creep back in, he's already tried. This is my first marriage. The state is beautiful, lower taxes, lots to do outdoors, the work is better and lots of benefits pay wise. Plus I have grown to kind of hate my town. It's a small town and the guy made "friends" with everyone (friends that he would speak badly about all the time). So of course he smeared me to others. In my own town. He's charming and everyone loved his accent. But I think it'll be a great opportunity and a way for me to even move on from this mess. Thanks for reading and if I'm being a baby or horrible let me know. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Canada
Timeline

I'm assuming you're the USC?

What is your husband's legal status now?

Applied for Naturalization based on 5-year Residency - 96 Days To Complete Citizenship!

July 14, 2017 (Day 00) -  Submitted N400 Application, filed online

July 21, 2017 (Day 07) -  NOA Receipt received in the mail

July 22, 2017 (Day 08) - Biometrics appointment scheduled online, letter mailed out

July 25, 2017 (Day 11) - Biometrics PDF posted online

July 28, 2017 (Day 14) - Biometrics letter received in the mail, appointment for 08/08/17

Aug 08, 2017 (Day 24) - Biometrics (fingerprinting) completed

Aug 14, 2017 (Day 30) - Online EGOV status shows "Interview Scheduled, will mail appointment letter"

Aug 16, 2017 (Day 32) - Online MYUSCIS status shows "Interview Scheduled, read the letter we mailed you..."

Aug 17, 2017 (Day 33) - Interview Appointment Letter PDF posted online---GOT AN INTERVIEW DATE!!!

Aug 21, 2017 (Day 37) - Interview Appointment Letter received in the mail, appointment for 09/27/17

Sep. 27, 2017 (Day 74) - Naturalization Interview--- read my experience here

Sep. 27, 2017 (Day 74) - Online MYUSCIS status shows "Oath Ceremony Notice mailed"

Sep. 28, 2017 (Day 75) - Oath Ceremony Letter PDF posted online--Ceremony for 10/19/17

Oct. 02, 2017 (Day 79) -  Oath Ceremony Letter received in the mail

Oct. 19, 2017 (Day 96) -  Oath Ceremony-- read my experience here

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Canada
Timeline

*ex* husband, I mean

Applied for Naturalization based on 5-year Residency - 96 Days To Complete Citizenship!

July 14, 2017 (Day 00) -  Submitted N400 Application, filed online

July 21, 2017 (Day 07) -  NOA Receipt received in the mail

July 22, 2017 (Day 08) - Biometrics appointment scheduled online, letter mailed out

July 25, 2017 (Day 11) - Biometrics PDF posted online

July 28, 2017 (Day 14) - Biometrics letter received in the mail, appointment for 08/08/17

Aug 08, 2017 (Day 24) - Biometrics (fingerprinting) completed

Aug 14, 2017 (Day 30) - Online EGOV status shows "Interview Scheduled, will mail appointment letter"

Aug 16, 2017 (Day 32) - Online MYUSCIS status shows "Interview Scheduled, read the letter we mailed you..."

Aug 17, 2017 (Day 33) - Interview Appointment Letter PDF posted online---GOT AN INTERVIEW DATE!!!

Aug 21, 2017 (Day 37) - Interview Appointment Letter received in the mail, appointment for 09/27/17

Sep. 27, 2017 (Day 74) - Naturalization Interview--- read my experience here

Sep. 27, 2017 (Day 74) - Online MYUSCIS status shows "Oath Ceremony Notice mailed"

Sep. 28, 2017 (Day 75) - Oath Ceremony Letter PDF posted online--Ceremony for 10/19/17

Oct. 02, 2017 (Day 79) -  Oath Ceremony Letter received in the mail

Oct. 19, 2017 (Day 96) -  Oath Ceremony-- read my experience here

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Filed: Timeline
32 minutes ago, Going through said:

*ex* husband, I mean

Legal status.. I have no idea? He's not in America and left before filing AOS. So he has no legal status. I am the US citizen. It's been 2 months sense he left and I just havnt done much of anything with immigration. Havnt filed divorce. Talked to a lawyer 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Wales
Timeline

Asked and answered in your previous thread.

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Wales
Timeline

Hopefully one of our friendly mods will sort things out.

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Barbsco630 said:

Thanks for reading and if I'm being a baby or horrible let me know. 

You are a grown up. File for divorce and move on.  If you are mentally unwell, then I also suggest you reach out to your support system or some counselor.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Filed: Timeline

The term is called gaslighting. Seek out some therapy, its clear you have a lot to say. :)

 

As for the divorce- you can file it with out an attny. If you are not comfortable doing it with out one contact your local legal aid. They have specific residency rules so contact where you live now and where you plan to move about it.

 

Getting a divorce is important. Right now you are legally tied to him. It impacts medical decisions and your estate in general. But if you have to wait, wait. He is not in the US so it makes the divorce a bit more complicated. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Filed: Timeline
4 minutes ago, Damara said:

The term is called gaslighting. Seek out some therapy, its clear you have a lot to say. :)

 

As for the divorce- you can file it with out an attny. If you are not comfortable doing it with out one contact your local legal aid. They have specific residency rules so contact where you live now and where you plan to move about it.

 

Getting a divorce is important. Right now you are legally tied to him. It impacts medical decisions and your estate in general. But if you have to wait, wait. He is not in the US so it makes the divorce a bit more complicated. 

Therapy check. But clearly there is a lot of people that probably arnt the most mentally well doing this process. Sure there are a lot of success stories. But I've read some pretty horrific things as well. Hopefully someone dosnt find themselves in a similar situation. Long distance does distort things pretty heavily. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Canada
Timeline

~~Please refrain from making more then one thread for related topics. I'm not going to merge this one with your older thread as it's is long. Much of your questions are indeed answered in it. So please go back to it as it can help you.  I am linking that thread for yourself and other members to allow you and them to see what has already been said.~~

 

For reference: 

 

Spoiler

Met Playing Everquest in 2005
Engaged 9-15-2006
K-1 & 4 K-2'S
Filed 05-09-07
Interview 03-12-08
Visa received 04-21-08
Entry 05-06-08
Married 06-21-08
AOS X5
Filed 07-08-08
Cards Received01-22-09
Roc X5
Filed 10-17-10
Cards Received02-22-11
Citizenship
Filed 10-17-11
Interview 01-12-12
Oath 06-29-12

Citizenship for older 2 boys

Filed 03/08/2014

NOA/fee waiver 03/19/2014

Biometrics 04/15/14

Interview 05/29/14

In line for Oath 06/20/14

Oath 09/19/2014 We are all done! All USC no more USCIS

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

27 minutes ago, Damara said:

very true. But look up gaslighting. Its not YOU its HIM. It can make you think youre crazy- and you are not.

Yeah I know alllll about it. And yeah it sucks. Someone actually made me slightly aware of it a year ago. I brought it up to him and guess what he did. More gaslighting to me questioning if he was gaslighting. So I dismissed it at the time until recently. Sick manipulation 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Filed: K-1 Visa Country: Philippines
Timeline

Get the divorce and move on, you might be on the hook already for his medical bills now..but I could be wrong. Sounds like you want more self-assurance from others then a real answer (which is divorce and move on). It sucks that it didn't work out for you but really there is no need to try and drag this out any longer then you need to, google how to do a divorce (you can buy the divorce packets at a book store) and get it filed. End of story. Take a dating break and spend more time with the next guy before you decide to get married, and maybe get some self help while your at it. (this is good for all of us!). Take care

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 
Didn't find the answer you were looking for? Ask our VJ Immigration Lawyers.

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
- Back to Top -

Important Disclaimer: Please read carefully the Visajourney.com Terms of Service. If you do not agree to the Terms of Service you should not access or view any page (including this page) on VisaJourney.com. Answers and comments provided on Visajourney.com Forums are general information, and are not intended to substitute for informed professional medical, psychiatric, psychological, tax, legal, investment, accounting, or other professional advice. Visajourney.com does not endorse, and expressly disclaims liability for any product, manufacturer, distributor, service or service provider mentioned or any opinion expressed in answers or comments. VisaJourney.com does not condone immigration fraud in any way, shape or manner. VisaJourney.com recommends that if any member or user knows directly of someone involved in fraudulent or illegal activity, that they report such activity directly to the Department of Homeland Security, Immigration and Customs Enforcement. You can contact ICE via email at Immigration.Reply@dhs.gov or you can telephone ICE at 1-866-347-2423. All reported threads/posts containing reference to immigration fraud or illegal activities will be removed from this board. If you feel that you have found inappropriate content, please let us know by contacting us here with a url link to that content. Thank you.
×
×
  • Create New...