Conditional resident wife is using restraining order to qualify for VAWA

[lysander 14]

Hi, I'm a US citizen husband of a Filipina who came in on a K-1 visa and then adjusted her status and became a conditional resident. After I was unemployed for four months, she moved out, complaining that I wasn't giving her the kind of life that she wanted. She started sending me a bunch of texts calling me irresponsible, immature, etc. Then several months later she started begging me for money to hire a lawyer to get a divorce, but I didn't have any money.

 

Today, she took out a temporary restraining order against me, and I can tell that her goal is to qualify for VAWA, since she begins her restraining order application by writing, "I am married to . . . in good faith that the marriage will last long but days go by he started to sexually abusing me" which to me seems like language tailored toward supporting her petition for removal of conditions. What I think is going on is that she doesn't have enough money to get a divorce, and she doesn't think I'm going to help her get her conditions removed (given that we're separated), so now she sees the VAWA route as her only way to stay in the country.

 

Anyway, I was wondering, if she gets a permanent restraining order, will that go a long way in supporting her VAWA bid? Does USCIS pretty much accept a permanent restraining order as definitive proof that abuse justifying a VAWA petition happened? I'm partly wondering because my mom signed an affidavit of support, and while I think my wife is eventually going to try to naturalize, it would let us off the hook sooner if she would just get deported. Thanks.

Edited September 22, 2017 by lysander

[Lemonslice 4,544]

If you do not plan to stay married, you should file for divorce and let her figure out the immigration side of things on her own.  In most states, you can file on your own.  What she plans or does not plan to do, we can't guess. 

[Lemonslice 4,544]

Is she the fiancée you were petitioning back in 2014? 

 

[lysander 14]

20 minutes ago, Lemonslice said:

If you do not plan to stay married, you should file for divorce and let her figure out the immigration side of things on her own.  In most states, you can file on your own.  What she plans or does not plan to do, we can't guess. 

From my perspective, I'm not sure what the point of a divorce would be, since affidavit of support obligations would remain in effect. It's not like I'm looking to get remarried any time in the foreseeable future.

 

Yeah, our visa journey began back in November 2014, and she finally got here in February 2016.

Edited September 22, 2017 by lysander

[caliliving 606]

18 minutes ago, lysander said:

From my perspective, I'm not sure what the point of a divorce would be, since affidavit of support obligations would remain in effect. It's not like I'm looking to get remarried any time in the foreseeable future.

 

Yeah, our visa journey began back in November 2014, and she finally got here in February 2016.

perhaps you should have taken everyone elses advice.  i guess she was really in love with you and didnt care at all about the greencard:/
divorce, move on and focus on your life.  seems like you have alot of work to do within yourself. 
i also hope your parents didnt have to support her fully and everything. i would truly feel way worse about that and the financial burden put on them. 

Edited September 22, 2017 by caliliving

[lysander 14]

11 minutes ago, caliliving said:

perhaps you should have taken everyone elses advice.  i guess she was really in love with you and didnt care at all about the greencard:/
divorce, move on and focus on your life.  seems like you have alot of work to do within yourself. 

Well, most people are against the idea of foreign brides altogether. I put a lot of faith in the statistics showing that these marriages have a high success rate, but I didn't take into account that most of those successful marriages probably involve a husband who is earning some money. Since she initially said that my income or lack thereof wasn't an issue for her, I figured it wasn't going to matter.

 

I suppose now, this case is going to go down as yet another statistic that feminist academics will wave around saying, "We need to crack down on this mail-order bride problem because there are all these women who come here on a K-1 visa and get abused by their American husbands. Good thing we have VAWA, but we need to do more!"

Edited September 22, 2017 by lysander

[caliliving 606]

18 minutes ago, lysander said:

Well, most people are against the idea of foreign brides altogether. I put a lot of faith in the statistics showing that these marriages have a high success rate, but I didn't take into account that most of those successful marriages probably involve a husband who is earning some money. Since she initially said that my income or lack thereof wasn't an issue for her, I figured it wasn't going to matter.

 

I suppose now, this case is going to go down as yet another statistic that feminist academics will wave around saying, "We need to crack down on this mail-order bride problem because there are all these women who come here on a K-1 visa and get abused by their American husbands. Good thing we have VAWA, but we need to do more!"

As this is a website based on international marriages people here are not against foreign brides. Again, you seem to be someone who thinks he knows it all and has everything figured out. People tried to explain that you had nothing to offer this woman besides a green card. Instead you thought u knew it all and put your parents finances on the line. People are trying to land ameeican spouses all the time and will say whatever it takes to come here!!

 

Also, how were her job prospects when she got here? Did she have a hard time finding a wellbpaying job? Was it as easy as she thought and how much did that play into it? Lots of foreigners think America is full of rich people and easy job opportunities. Perhaps if you explained that to her ahead of time it would have been a better outcome. 

[Pinkrlion 2,605]

The I-864 has nothing to do with filing for divorce.  There is not real obligation that the I-864 makes you adhere to other than ensuring that she does not apply for benefits which she is legally able to receive in 5 years.  

 

Make sure that you appear in court to attest her restraining order.  Bring her text messages as evidence against her.  

 

Yes a permanent restraining order is a valid document in filing VAWA, but she will need more than that to be approved.  They do not accept temporary restraining orders as a valid document.

Edited September 22, 2017 by Pinkrlion

[Boiler 43,362]

Why does she need VAWA, she has a GC.

[Meg&Andrew 297]

The people of VJ called it. That's why I enjoy this community. Though opinions may be tough at times, they are 99% accurate.  OP , you asked what the point of a divorce is? Well what or how exactly do you benefit from not divorcing? Do you think that entitles you to some kind of control over her or the situation at hand?

[Unlockable 7,306]

I don't know how it is in Washington but the process for Temp Restraining Orders work as temporary protection so a judge can figure out things out. You will get a court appearance hear where you can tell your side of the story. The burden is on her to prove a permanent protection order is needed. If her claims are frivolous, then the temp protection order will be dismissed and you can go about your way. Again, this MAY NOT be the case for ALL states. Best to learn if that is the process in your state.

 

There are plenty of reasons to divorce. You need to move on with your life because obviously she has. She has made her decision. If she made vows to be with you through good times and bad, obviously it didn't mean anything to her. Why stay with a women who will bolt at the first sign of hard times instead of helping you and the household to get out of a rut? Move on and find someone who will love you for who you are.

 

VJ is about 99% (this is a personal estimate) of people who have international relationships so there is no sentiments about not having "mail order brides" here.

 

Like @Boiler mentioned, wonder why she is claiming VAWA when she has a GC already.

 

[belinda63 2,981]

Boiler once again is short and to the point, VAWA is not needed. What will be needed is a divorce so she can file with a divorce waiver. No matter what she does she will need proof she entered the marriage in good faith. There is nothing more for you to do in regards to her green card, she has it and it is up to her to do what is needed to keep it. You cannot not stop her from filing to remove conditions.

As to the protective order you should have a hearing date. The temporary order is usually awarded when filed for and it is based only upon what the person filing for it has said. At the hearing you can explain she moved out on ______ date, you have had contact with her in _______context, etc. Whether she obtains a restraining order or not is irrelevant to her immigration status, she already has a green card.

Move on with life, divorce her when you are ready or able, she is no longer your concern and there is nothing you can do to control her actions or if she received benefits.

 

[lysander 14]

6 hours ago, caliliving said:

As this is a website based on international marriages people here are not against foreign brides. Again, you seem to be someone who thinks he knows it all and has everything figured out. People tried to explain that you had nothing to offer this woman besides a green card. Instead you thought u knew it all and put your parents finances on the line. People are trying to land ameeican spouses all the time and will say whatever it takes to come here!!

 

Also, how were her job prospects when she got here? Did she have a hard time finding a wellbpaying job? Was it as easy as she thought and how much did that play into it? Lots of foreigners think America is full of rich people and easy job opportunities. Perhaps if you explained that to her ahead of time it would have been a better outcome. 

I fell into the trap many men fall into, which is thinking they've found a woman who is really special, so therefore the typical relationship advice doesn't apply. I.e., "Oh sure, maybe you're right about how most women are, but this woman says she's the other 1 out a million who is different. So I have to make sure I marry her or the opportunity will pass by and I'll never have another like it."

 

To me, it seemed logical that if she's the one wanting to end the relationship, she should be the one to file for divorce. But I guess from her perspective, I'm the one at fault for the relationship's failing, so therefore it's my responsibility to file for the divorce and pay for it and all that. Either way, she's chronically broke and doesn't seem to understand how to file for divorce as a pro se litigant.

 

She's had several different jobs in the U.S., working at a restaurant, taking care of people's kids, working at Wal-Mart, etc. I had a Filipina co-worker who told me, "You have to let her work, since she has a college degree and it would be wasting her potential if she just sat at home." Plus my wife herself was complaining she was tired of being "nothing" as she put it. So I bought her a car, got her signed up for driving lessons, etc., so she could get a job.

 

I thought, "It'll help her if she becomes friends with other Filipinas." My Filipina co-worker offered to talk to her and give her tips on getting acclimated to the U.S. Later I found out, she said a bunch of stuff to my wife like "Don't be afraid of divorce" if the relationship isn't working out.

 

I'm already once-divorced, so I know all too well that marriage doesn't give me any control or leverage. I suppose I should've been more skeptical this time around, given my unpleasant experience the first time around, but I wrote off the failure of my first marriage as a fluke, and thought, "Okay, this woman is different, because she's from a different culture, is able to function in society better than my first wife was, etc. She'll be able to actually keep her promises."

As far as I know, the only remaining loose end is the affidavit of support. Before my mom signed it, my wife swore up and down that she would never sue for support. If she wanted to, she could probably sue for support while still earning money under the table taking care of people's kids for them, but maybe she's not scheming enough to have thought of that, or maybe she doesn't want to work under the table anymore, or maybe she's actually going to keep her promise. It could also be that she's waiting for the permanent restraining order to go into effect before she makes her next move.

 

If it weren't for the I-864, I would be inclined to just walk away from the situation and not even bother to show up at the restraining order hearing, but I guess it'll be necessary to hire a lawyer and contest the case, to protect my mom's interests. Part of what makes my mom sad about the situation is that she got emotionally attached to my wife and now my wife isn't returning her phone calls. We have to be careful anyway, though, because if my mom passes on something that I said, that might be construed as my violating the restraining order by trying to communicate with my wife through a third party.

Edited September 22, 2017 by lysander

[Suss&Camm 2,213]

7 hours ago, lysander said:

Well, most people are against the idea of foreign brides altogether. I put a lot of faith in the statistics showing that these marriages have a high success rate, but I didn't take into account that most of those successful marriages probably involve a husband who is earning some money. Since she initially said that my income or lack thereof wasn't an issue for her, I figured it wasn't going to matter.

Most other marriages also were between other people. Statistics are pointless when applied to a single circumstance with its own set of unknowns. I'm sure some of those other marriages involve a husband that's earning some money and some don't. I feel like you are trying to look everywhere but to yourself for reasons of why your marriage failed. You aren't taking in any of the advise given, but keep going back to statistics which have nothing to do with you.

 

Quote

I suppose now, this case is going to go down as yet another statistic that feminist academics will wave around saying, "We need to crack down on this mail-order bride problem because there are all these women who come here on a K-1 visa and get abused by their American husbands. Good thing we have VAWA, but we need to do more!"

As said - VAWA is not a part of the removal of conditions process, so perhaps her reason for filing a restraining order has something to do with you? or your relationship? You are not taking accountability for anything.

 

"I fell into the trap many men fall into, which is thinking they've found a woman who is really special"
Trust me many women feel the same way - Why are you so set on lumping women together in one mold? Could it be that the two of you just didn't work out? Could you have some ownership other than just being a passive part of a statistic?

You both owned the relationship, you both failed. Why don't you both file for divorce? What's the point of staying legally bound to someone you're not with? The affidavit remains in place regardless of if your married or not and why on earth would you assume she would go after suing for support? Has she stated anything along those lines? 

 

"As far as I know, the only remaining loose end is the affidavit of support"

uh - and the little fact that you're still married - might to some be considered a tiny loose end as well.

Edited September 22, 2017 by Suss&Camm

[lysander 14]

29 minutes ago, Suss&Camm said:

Most other marriages also were between other people. Statistics are pointless when applied to a single circumstance with its own set of unknowns. I'm sure some of those other marriages involve a husband that's earning some money and some don't. I feel like you are trying to look everywhere but to yourself for reasons of why your marriage failed. You aren't taking in any of the advise given, but keep going back to statistics which have nothing to do with you.

 

As said - VAWA is not a part of the removal of conditions process, so perhaps her reason for filing a restraining order has something to do with you? or your relationship? You are not taking accountability for anything.

 

"I fell into the trap many men fall into, which is thinking they've found a woman who is really special"
Trust me many women feel the same way - Why are you so set on lumping women together in one mold? Could it be that the two of you just didn't work out? Could you have some ownership other than just being a passive part of a statistic?

You both owned the relationship, you both failed. Why don't you both file for divorce? What's the point of staying legally bound to someone you're not with? The affidavit remains in place regardless of if your married or not and why on earth would you assume she would go after suing for support? Has she stated anything along those lines? 

 

"As far as I know, the only remaining loose end is the affidavit of support"

uh - and the little fact that you're still married - might to some be considered a tiny loose end as well.

I lose either way. If I lump women into the same mold, people say I'm making a mistake by stereotyping or generalizing. But if I don't lump women into the same mold, but rather assume that the woman I'm with is special and unique enough to behave better than other women, people say I'm being gullible and not listening to their advice and wisdom about how women, or foreign women, are. Even if "Not All Women Are Like That" it doesn't really matter unless there's some way of telling which women really are different than the others, and which are just temporarily pretending to be different so they can get what they want.

 

I think the failure of the relationship simply came down to money problems. She felt entitled, as a wife, to financial support from her husband. She didn't want to tell me about that expectation upfront (in fact, she denied having that expectation) because then I would've said, "Oh, I guess this relationship isn't going to work, then" and not married her. She probably thought she could change me once she got me locked down, and get me to be the man she wanted me to be. She probably figured too that if she couldn't change me, she would still come out ahead because she would have a green card even if she left me.

 

If she had stayed with me for two years, I probably would've filed an I-751 with her, and then she would've been free to leave me without getting deported. At this point I'm thinking, if she would agree to sign away her rights to sue my mom for support, and drop the restraining order petition so that I don't have that on my record, I would probably agree to take care of getting the divorce. But it seems like for now anyway, she's pursuing the VAWA route instead (and according to Nola, VAWA is indeed relevant to removal of conditions).

I'm assuming the reason the government set up the two-year conditional residency is to keep foreigners from doing what my wife is doing, and just dumping their U.S. citizen spouses as soon as they get their green card, right? It's to act as at least somewhat of a deterrent against foreigners' trying to use marriage to scam the immigration system. It's like how in times past, men coming to this country had to serve a period of indentured servitude before they could be free.

 

My brother-in-law came to the U.S. on a work visa (probably H-1B, since he's a programmer), and he was under very strict conditions that if he ever lost his job, he would have to go back home. And yet my wife gets to stay in this country just by making up a false accusation? What did she do to merit that privilege? As far as I'm concerned, if immigrants are going to try to manipulate the system and their U.S. citizen sponsors rather than paying their dues in the way that was agreed upon, they have to go. I don't really care if that sounds unromantic; it's not very romantic to take out unnecessary restraining orders against people either.