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mrx3214

Thinking my wife is homesick and depressed

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After waiting forever for whole process we finally moved back to the U.S.  Only been home for few days now, but I can tell she is not very happy being here.(missing home)  If I could of found a new job back in her country. I'm sure we would still be there to this day. She had no interest on re locating to the U.S.   Maybe someone who has been in her shoes could give me some supportive advice to my mind at ease.  Thanks

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Home sickness, culture shock, possible boredom.. completely normal in moving from one country to another. I experienced this when moving only from the US to Canada.. guaranteed it must pale in comparison to culture shock of Nepal to USA.

 

Just gotta work with the spouse, plan visits to see in-laws, accommodate to help them feel comfortable in their new home, but moderate this so they aren't under the impression that American culture is to wait hand and foot on others. There needs to be some pressure to adapt.

Edited by IAMX

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Like you said, she's only been in the US for a "few days"---it takes time to adjust and what she's going through is normal, more so since she had no interest in relocating to the US as you say.

 

Right now she needs your understanding and support.  Put yourself in her shoes a bit to understand more what is going through her mind right now.  She's left all of her friends, all of her family, perhaps her job, lifestyle, cuisine, and now feels trapped at home for several hours alone while you are at work (I am assuming).  It's hard to go out and explore the new city when she really doesn't know how to get around on her own yet since she's been in the US less than a week---that will come as she becomes accustomed to public transit where she is living now.

 

She will need a bit of a push, but not in a talking stern way, and certainly not in a "this is your new life, deal with it" kind of way either (not saying you will do this, just using an example).  See if you can take a few days off or take a weekend and show her some of the "basic" things---like where the best coffee shop is in your neighborhood, start to teach her how to get around on public transit in your area, how to get to the grocery store on her own if it's not in walking distance, get her a cellphone so incase she gets lost (and that can be a fear when first going out on  your own in a new land) she can call you for help/directions right away.  She will seem clingy at first, but remember because it's mostly due to you being the only person she knows in the US right now.

 

Remember all the things you take for granted living here for so long is COMPLETELY new and foreign to her...even if she's visited the US before, it's quite different when actually living here.

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On 9/3/2017 at 0:03 AM, mrx3214 said:

After waiting forever for whole process we finally moved back to the U.S.  Only been home for few days now, but I can tell she is not very happy being here.(missing home)  If I could of found a new job back in her country. I'm sure we would still be there to this day. She had no interest on re locating to the U.S.   Maybe someone who has been in her shoes could give me some supportive advice to my mind at ease.  Thanks

Dont worry mrx, it takes time. Initially when I came over, I was tearing missing my families and missing everything back home. It really takes time to adapt. Give her sometime and also introduce some of your friends. It helps!

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She'll get over it just go with the flow. She isn't the first nor the last wife to through these emotions. Remember she got married to you not her parents or friends back at her ex country. Yes her ex country because now you are family #1 and U.S is her new country.

Comfort her remind her that you love her and try the best you can to got back to where she came from once every 2 years or so. Once she gets pregnant with your baby her emotions will change and she'll realize you and the baby are most important. 

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Just give her some time to adjust. Be patient and supportive. This isn't easy for her as this isn't easy for you. Now that you are a married couple, you have to work as a team. When one is down, the other should help to lift them up. Talk to her about it, the only way you'll find out how she really feels. Take her around, maybe find a restaurant that serves her local comfort food. It takes time to adjust but it gets better. Just hold on to her.

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On 9/3/2017 at 10:04 AM, mallafri76 said:

It's all in the attitude. She can't hold on to things from back home. Now she's in America and she has to embrace the culture and atmosphere over here. I've lived in several countries all over the world and the people who have the hardest time adjusting are the ones that cling on to things from back home; food, culture, language etc. 

 

I immigrated to the US in April 2016 with my husband in prison. I had to find a place to live, get furniture for the apartment, buy a car, get a Texas driver's license, get insurance etc etc etc all by myself. Within a month of moving here, I had a home, new friends, a job, a car and everything in place. I literally picked up from Sweden, moved halfway around the world and continued my normal life in the US with little disruption. I was able to do this because before moving here, my husband and I had a long discussion and decided together that me moving to the US was the best decision for us at the time. I then decided to keep an open mind, be positive and do the best of our decision. One year and five months after immigrating to the US, I'm now at the top of my career and my husband and I are building our dream home.

 

Again, it's all in the attitude. Sitting at home feeling sorry for herself and thinking about back home all the time is not gonna help. She needs to focus on the good things over here and all the things she can accomplish here. I always tell my husband that it doesn't matter where we are in the world, as long as we're together, we create our own sunshine. 

This 1000x.  I was totally shocked how well my husband has adjusted, but you're right it's all because of his attitude.  The freezing weather, food, lack of culture in my town, etc he overcame with ease it seemed.  I asked him how he adjusted so well.  He said you have to spread your wings.  I know he misses home and family, but he keeps busy, makes new friends, and keeps it moving.

 

OP keep her busy.  Check your local library main branch.  They have all kinds of free classes.  Ours here even had a class to help immigrants with English and adapting to their surroundings.  My husband started there, met friends, got a job, and met more friends.  Independence helps.  He learned how to use our bus system, then got his driver's license.  I take him to new places, we tourist together.  Look for groups or places that are familar to her home country...restaurants, stores, clubs, etc.

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On 9/2/2017 at 9:26 PM, Gorkhali said:

You thought the visa process was difficult, no wait the adjustment is going to be rougher. It takes a good year for people to adjust. 

I am feeling it. I thought the VISA process was crazy (7+ years of case backlogs), but arriving here and adjusting to anything seems twice as hard. Nonetheless, some of the advice given above I have found to be a tad helpful.

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As a psychologist and worked for Dept of Defense for last 17 years. I have helped many couples with this and as others have said it is normal and she needs your understanding, support. Do not push and listen her feeling are real. Many areas' have  have expat groups & clubs try and find one for her. Sometimes you may go and sometimes it would be helpful to get her there and you leave. That way she can speak in native language and not having to be worried about you. When she is done she call you and you go pick her up. The women there have been in her situation and will help her thought the process in a way you could not. My girlfriend is in Russia and is Orthodox. I was able to find and Russian Orthodox church and plan to go there if she desire when she gets here. There is also Russian restaurant. For me I do not believe she should have to choose between America  or Russia. Yes she will be American but still have the connection she desire with Russian culture.

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I totally agree with what other people are saying. I only moved from Canada to the US, so in many ways it was very easy. That said, I still get homesick. The hardest thing for me is not having friends and family around. I try to talk to people back home regularly, but I also try to not let that take place of finding new friends. I would suggest for your wife to maybe look into Meet-up groups. If there isn't one, maybe she could start her own.

 

Also encourage her to get out and find some hobbies, or volunteer, etc. Anything to create a new social circle. When I first moved here, the only friends I had were my husband's friends and honestly it made me feel so lonely. Having some friends that hers would probably help a lot. It's hard to make friends as you get older.

 

Be supportive and if she just needs to be sad for a while, that's ok too.

 

Another thing that helped me was focusing on learning my new home. I went to tourist attractions (sometimes on my own and sometimes with my husband). I tried out walking trails, found beaches in the summer. Went to local festivals, etc. etc. You do have to force yourself to get out there.  

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I've been here a year and I still get homesick. It doesn't help that I can't drive or get anywhere (I am trying to learn but finding time and a person to take me out can be difficult). Getting a job did help, but I still miss being able to take myself places and not having to rely on anyone else to take me to do things. I am bored, I do not like living in the middle of nowhere and I miss the city. We have talked about moving next year closer to a big city so I'm happy about that. But it is hard to come from everything you've known. It takes time! I moved here for my husband but I was happy where I was in England. Things take time and eventually I'll be able to drive which I think will really help me since that's one of the biggest reasons I get home sick (not being able to get out and about).

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Having a car does absolutely help, and being close to a big city.

I always thought I would love to live on a farm in rural America, but I came to the conclusion that this is unrealistic dream. Where we live now is not rural at all, but it's hard to find people I truly connect with. I think that's the hardest adjustment for me so far. Before, no matter where I went I would connect easily with others, but this area I'm just not feeling it.

 

 

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On 12/26/2017 at 11:38 AM, chiggins82 said:

I totally agree with what other people are saying. I only moved from Canada to the US, so in many ways it was very easy. That said, I still get homesick. The hardest thing for me is not having friends and family around. I try to talk to people back home regularly, but I also try to not let that take place of finding new friends. I would suggest for your wife to maybe look into Meet-up groups. If there isn't one, maybe she could start her own.

 

Also encourage her to get out and find some hobbies, or volunteer, etc. Anything to create a new social circle. When I first moved here, the only friends I had were my husband's friends and honestly it made me feel so lonely. Having some friends that hers would probably help a lot. It's hard to make friends as you get older.

 

Be supportive and if she just needs to be sad for a while, that's ok too.

 

Another thing that helped me was focusing on learning my new home. I went to tourist attractions (sometimes on my own and sometimes with my husband). I tried out walking trails, found beaches in the summer. Went to local festivals, etc. etc. You do have to force yourself to get out there.  

I moved from Canada as well. It’s pretty easy to keep yourself involved in things, keeping busy, meeting people... but I find that when I come home to Canada  where I’ve lived for the past 33 years, I realize even more how much I miss living at home. I miss my family and friends, life is going on without me, and I appreciate every second of being home.

 

I was at Dollarama today and the lady in front of me paid with beautiful, colourful Canadian bills. Oh how I miss seeing those. I also appreciated the nice quality and low prices of a Canadian dollar store. All the dollar stores I’ve been to in Connecticut are kind of junky, and most items are overpriced / not a good value.

 

Also today, a lady at Royal Bank almost didn’t hold the door open for me (its -25 and she couldn’t see with her big Eskimo hood on). But she turned and saw me, giving a sincere apology as she held the door for me. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t see ya there.” Wow. She doesn’t realize how warm and fuzzy that made me feel. I’ve never been more proud to be a Canadian.

 

Being home with my family where I grew up is priceless to me, and I’m cherishing every moment and I’m actually sort of  dreading going back to the US... even though the love of my life awaits me there, I have friends, a car, and 2 jobs.

 

It feels incredible to be back home, and I think no matter how much time passes or how busy you keep yourself, homesickness is just inevitable for most of us. At least we can relate :) 

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