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So I really need some unbiased thoughts about my situation. Guess even counseling but have no time for a therapist haha. I have seeked advice from others but I feel like they don't understand how hard we have worked to be together. Hopefully this isn't too long but feel like I need to explain the situation from and give examples on what's going on.. 

 

I've been with my husband for 3 years. Randomly online (not a dating site). He came here 6 times and I visited once there. We spent 2 to 3 weeks together at a time. I really fell hard for this man. Before he came he was having a lot of doubts. It was a really stressful time for both of us. He didn't want to leave his family, job and life behind and it actually was a crappy time. But I tried to be as supportive as I could even though I felt like he was giving me the run around. You either want to be with someone or you don't. Anyways, so he came and has been here for 7 weeks now. Things have honestly not been that great. 

 

My biggest issue is I feel as if he has a lot of characteristics that are just undesirable to me all of a sudden. Like how could I not be aware of them before this? I have no idea. But I now look at him as if he's irresponsible, selfish and has bad morals. He's also very hard to talk to. It's hard to bring up issues or to talk about things that "adults" would talk about. We can talk about politics and interesting subjects all day.. But when it comes to US I find it very difficult. And I've even talked to him about this very issue. Messaging and calling are so different then speaking. 

 

Okay so why do I think he's irresponsible then? Well a little background on myself, I'm a single mother to an 8 year old. His father has been gone for 7 years. My husband has obviously known this. But I'm at the point where I have accepted that this a guy that does not take any responsibility for my child. I don't need him to see himself as a father to my son. But I do need to be with someone who is willing to see him as his responsibility. I am an OR nurse and take on call shifts. Tonight he is at the bar getting smashed while I'm at home and it's frustrating for me because I need to depend on family to watch my son if I get called in. He dosnt call me to see if he needs to be here for us. He just goes. And when he did call me I mentioned to him that I'm on call and he just apologizes. He dosnt make the effort to come home. Just says sorry. Please put this into perspective for me if I am in the wrong. I'm a very open minded person and want to put his feelings into consideration as well. I have spoken to him about this. That I need a responsible partner or else it's just gonna be problems. I guess maybe I don't know what to do. Just accept that I have a friend and not someone whose going to be here for us? Always rely on babysitters and family instead?  I obviously didn't marry him only to look after my son. If he wants to go out then he should, but can't he also be responsible about it? Apart of me just feels like that should be on his mind, making this family and relationship work but it dosnt seem to be. 

 

I also need to put into consideration that this is a man who has no children of his own and has lived with his mother his entire life. He had a great job before coming.. But his only responsibility was himself. But this is the second time THIS week he's getting drunk at the bar. And he dosnt just come a little drunk. It's heavily intoxicated and I have work. Then I'm taking care of him when he gets home, listening to his drunken fun night when I work at 5. Then I've also got my son asking where he is at night. 

 

I feel like I could go on but I won't. There are other things but this is the one that really bothers me. I really do love this man.. But at the same time I don't want or need him to change for me. If he's not ready to be responsible and take care of himself and his family then i shouldn't expect that from him. But I shouldn't be miserable either. I want to support him. I'm not a cruel person who wants him out of my life. I really want the best for both of us. How can I make this work or move on without him being nasty to me? He has a really good way of putting me down and making me feel bad. It's a bit unhealthy really. 

 

Apart of me wants to get really upset and angry and just take him to the airport and be done with it. He left his family and life behind for me.. But sometimes I feel like I have to bend over backwards just to make him happy because he came here to be with me. Just tell me if I'm in the wrong about all of this. If I could talk to him about things then it would be easier. But I think that's the real issue. Poor communication so its not going to work. 

 

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Filed: Citizen (pnd) Country: Mexico
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Well, the only thing I could tell you is that you never stop knowing about a person... You know how different is a relationship based in text and videos and a real life 24/7 life together... I think that if you feel like this about him, he also found you different from the happy you that visit or received him gor a couple of weeks... a relationship is something you have to nurture and take care on a daily basis... think deeply how you feel and what you really want, write it down if it makes it easier for you to approach with him and sit to really talk about, not only your feelings, but his as well... It takes so mucj time to built a new kind of relationship after this process bring your love one next to you... Maybe he feel lonely, trapped, suddenly responsible of a little one that he also have to get to know, I'm sure he also feel in a strange new place and is difficult to get used to this gigantic change ... Don't blame all on him or on you... 

 

Also, this is my opinion only, but I wouldn't put a free childless male to look after my kid, just because I know how hard is for a parent to slowly get their stuff together to raise a child... I'm sure it took you time to love, care and know your own son... why would he suddenly know how to take care of a child??? He can help you, he can learn, he should try his hardest, but in no way you can assume he will be behind your son like you would... he definitely needs to learn to care and love your son as his just because he loves you but maybe you could do whatever you used to do before his arrival...  a nanny perhaps??? a friend??? daycare??? Give him a break from responsibilities that are mainly yours... If you tell me he doesnt help at home at all, or he doesnt take care of you... thats something you can complain, but don't put him in a position that probably freak him out and maybe he doesnt know how to tell you that...  Be honest with yourself before you just give up after all the time you wished him where he is now... 

 

 

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Filed: F-1 Visa Country: Philippines
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2 hours ago, Jaybird225 said:

I really want the best for both of us. How can I make this work or move on without him being nasty to me? He has a really good way of putting me down and making me feel bad. It's a bit unhealthy really.

 

Apart of me wants to get really upset and angry and just take him to the airport and be done with it. He left his family and life behind for me.. But sometimes I feel like I have to bend over backwards just to make him happy because he came here to be with me. Just tell me if I'm in the wrong about all of this. If I could talk to him about things then it would be easier. But I think that's the real issue. Poor communication so its not going to work. 

 

There are some points you bring up in your post that sound a little like codependency, and the alcohol use underscores that possibility. Have you looked into the signs of a codependent relationship? I'm not a psychologist, but was involved in a codependent relationship with a narcissist for 9 years & got help from a therapist. Here's a link, you might see if any of this fits your situation -> https://www.recoveryconnection.com/top-ten-indicators-suffer-codependency/

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Do you know the phrase "Different strokes for different folks?" It doesnt matter what anyone on here thinks- if they would accept it or not. Its your relationship, your marriage, your life. All that matters is what you think about it and how you are willing to live. Based on what you wrote you are unhappy with this. You dont need other people to justify that its an okay reason, okay?

 

It sounds like you have certain expectations of your husband and he is not meeting them. This isnt about "love". You can love someone and the relationship can be toxic and unfulfilling. So you need to decide if you are willing to budge on your expectations. (and if he is). Because he has his own expectations of how things should be. 

 

The best resolution is talking to each other. Listing out each of your expectations from the relationship and working out a compromise you can both live with. If your husband is too immature to do this (or too selfish to budge) then its all on you. You have to decide if you are willing to live "his way" or if its better to not live with him at all. 

 

Therapy would be of great help to you both. I know you say you dont have time but we are talking 45mins to 1 hour a week. Im sure you can squeeze that in.

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Filed: Other Country: Bangladesh
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Personally, I would not spend time being miserable. I have been through that. I have kids and was divorced. But for a decade I tried, made excuses for him and tried to change myself, etc. 

Sometimes if you have fundamental differences, you have to know when to call it a day, so to speak. Just because he came here, doesn't mean you are responsible for putting up with bad behavior. As a nurse, I think we tend to enable and want to nurture. But many people will take advantage of your good nature. You have a tough job and are responsible for your child. I would find you well within your rights to tell him he gets 2 drunken nights in a month, and that's it. Plus he has to step up and be an equal in caring for your son, who cares if he doesn't have kids, you are part of a package with your dear son, and that is non negotiable. He isn't being a good role model either to your son.

Anyway, as the previous person said, it is your marriage and your life too. I wish you the best. But clear and firm expectations is a good start IMO.

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So the experience from someone that has tried to make a relationship work for 4 years, and has gone through a divorce: I get it, but it might not be worth the trouble. 

I have to say I understand how hard it is to try to hold on because of all the years of hard work and legal process, but the fact is, unless you both try to find counseling (which you mentioned you don't have time for) and you both want to make it work, is highly unlikely he will recognize his wrong doings.

It's also incredibly difficult to fully know someone, especially living apart. Everything seems ''wonderful'' when you're not making it work 24/7. So things do inevitably change once you're in person. 

most importantly, you have your kid to take care of, both physically and emotionally. 

By all means talk to him, try to work it out. Bur expect him not to want to change, as well.

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It sounds like you have two children now. You are not his maid, his mum, and should not be doing everything on your own.

 

Is he here visiting or is he here on a spousal visa

 

You cannot put yourself through this and less your child. I would tell him to go to AA meetings and start helping around the house. Otherwise, he should leave. Unfortunately, if you leave the situation as it is, it could get worse over time. 

 

I would not think it as "he left his life for me". He made the choice and he is not even taking advantage of being there with you. You also made the choice is sticking with him even though he lived very far away, so you didn't have it easy either. 

 

 

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Thanks for the advice and thoughts. I really beat up on myself and feel like I'm in the wrong. He has a way of making me feel sorry for him because he left everything. But it was his choice. I don't want to sit here and bash him. I do love him and think he's a good guy.. But I'm finding that maybe he's not the guy for me. I just don't know how to tell him without him making me feel terrible or it blowing up. I feel that I have good intentions. I want both of us happy. And it does feel like I've got 2 kids. Constantly worried about if he'll be getting home drunk tonight, if he's lieing to me (he has a history of being dishonest), or if I have someone to be there for my son and I. If things don't get better then he will have to leave. He's 39 and I'm 29. I'm just tired of immature men that I've gotta take care of. Im done with all the partying and being wild and crazy. Maybe I just had a dream of what it would be like once he's here and that's not really happening. But I can only compromise my own happiness for so long I think. He's told me before that he's not going to change and that's fine. But he's also told me lies like how he wants a family and to be responsible. So which one is it? Based on his actions he would rather be irresponsible so hopefully I can have a mature conversation with him and we can figure things out. 

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Ecuador
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11 hours ago, Jaybird225 said:

he has a history of being dishonest

He's 39

He's told me before that he's not going to change

All red flags to watch for during your search for a new partner.

06-04-2007 = TSC stamps postal return-receipt for I-129f.

06-11-2007 = NOA1 date (unknown to me).

07-20-2007 = Phoned Immigration Officer; got WAC#; where's NOA1?

09-25-2007 = Touch (first-ever).

09-28-2007 = NOA1, 23 days after their 45-day promise to send it (grrrr).

10-20 & 11-14-2007 = Phoned ImmOffs; "still pending."

12-11-2007 = 180 days; file is "between workstations, may be early Jan."; touches 12/11 & 12/12.

12-18-2007 = Call; file is with Division 9 ofcr. (bckgrnd check); e-prompt to shake it; touch.

12-19-2007 = NOA2 by e-mail & web, dated 12-18-07 (187 days; 201 per VJ); in mail 12/24/07.

01-09-2008 = File from USCIS to NVC, 1-4-08; NVC creates file, 1/15/08; to consulate 1/16/08.

01-23-2008 = Consulate gets file; outdated Packet 4 mailed to fiancee 1/27/08; rec'd 3/3/08.

04-29-2008 = Fiancee's 4-min. consular interview, 8:30 a.m.; much evidence brought but not allowed to be presented (consul: "More proof! Second interview! Bring your fiance!").

05-05-2008 = Infuriating $12 call to non-English-speaking consulate appointment-setter.

05-06-2008 = Better $12 call to English-speaker; "joint" interview date 6/30/08 (my selection).

06-30-2008 = Stokes Interrogations w/Ecuadorian (not USC); "wait 2 weeks; we'll mail her."

07-2008 = Daily calls to DOS: "currently processing"; 8/05 = Phoned consulate, got Section Chief; wrote him.

08-07-08 = E-mail from consulate, promising to issue visa "as soon as we get her passport" (on 8/12, per DHL).

08-27-08 = Phoned consulate (they "couldn't find" our file); visa DHL'd 8/28; in hand 9/1; through POE on 10/9 with NO hassles(!).

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Wow, he's 39 and lived with his parents?  No wonder he's doing stupid things, it's his first time away from "home".  We all did it, but at 18-19 when we went away to college, not at 39.

 

Sounds like you and he are in different places in your lives.  You want to settle down but he wants to party.  He needs to grow up and take care of his responsibilities.  If he's not ready to do that, you should move on and find somebody that is.  Funny how we miss a lot of things when we're in vacation mode visiting with our future spouses, but when we start to live together all of those hidden traits come out.  Luckily, my wife only has a few small ones that I have learned to deal with over 8 years.

 

You need to sit and talk with him.  If he's unwilling to change, or even to listen, divorce him and move on.  Sounds harsh, but life is too short to be dealing with issues like this.

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Love is not enough.  Both dishonesty and alcohol issues are deal breakers.  I hope you find the courage to dump this guy.

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I agree with you. Love is not enough and I've said the exact thing to him before. Just an update... He ended up leaving. In a very immature way. Of course was drunk at rhe bar just got his things and left. Very manipulative man. I just really encourage people to know exactly what they are getting into with  long distance relationships. The person through the phone can portray themselves the way they want to be perceived. Glad this chapter in my life is closed and thanks for the kind words 

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1 hour ago, Jaybird225 said:

I agree with you. Love is not enough and I've said the exact thing to him before. Just an update... He ended up leaving. In a very immature way. Of course was drunk at rhe bar just got his things and left. Very manipulative man. I just really encourage people to know exactly what they are getting into with  long distance relationships. The person through the phone can portray themselves the way they want to be perceived. Glad this chapter in my life is closed and thanks for the kind words 

Wishing all the best to you and your son. 

October 31, 2016 I-130 sent to Chicago Lockbox

November 4, 2016 Received text case sent to Nebraska

November 10, 2016 Received Hard copy of NOA1

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Filed: Timeline

Clearly dude has issues, he's immatured and is suffering from arrested development.

Lady he says he will not change , one csnnot tesch old dogs new tricks, at 39 at home

with mommy said  lot, but you were in love & thats okay but you now have to be careful

not to expose your son to an alcoholic man-boy. Someone better will come along , let go

& pray he naturalizes asap. Do not beat up on yourself, go out with your son  splurge

a bit and exhale

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Ecuador
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Almost everything happens for a reason.

 

Jaybird225, should you wish for this thread to be closed, hit the "report" button and so request.  This is 100% your choice.

06-04-2007 = TSC stamps postal return-receipt for I-129f.

06-11-2007 = NOA1 date (unknown to me).

07-20-2007 = Phoned Immigration Officer; got WAC#; where's NOA1?

09-25-2007 = Touch (first-ever).

09-28-2007 = NOA1, 23 days after their 45-day promise to send it (grrrr).

10-20 & 11-14-2007 = Phoned ImmOffs; "still pending."

12-11-2007 = 180 days; file is "between workstations, may be early Jan."; touches 12/11 & 12/12.

12-18-2007 = Call; file is with Division 9 ofcr. (bckgrnd check); e-prompt to shake it; touch.

12-19-2007 = NOA2 by e-mail & web, dated 12-18-07 (187 days; 201 per VJ); in mail 12/24/07.

01-09-2008 = File from USCIS to NVC, 1-4-08; NVC creates file, 1/15/08; to consulate 1/16/08.

01-23-2008 = Consulate gets file; outdated Packet 4 mailed to fiancee 1/27/08; rec'd 3/3/08.

04-29-2008 = Fiancee's 4-min. consular interview, 8:30 a.m.; much evidence brought but not allowed to be presented (consul: "More proof! Second interview! Bring your fiance!").

05-05-2008 = Infuriating $12 call to non-English-speaking consulate appointment-setter.

05-06-2008 = Better $12 call to English-speaker; "joint" interview date 6/30/08 (my selection).

06-30-2008 = Stokes Interrogations w/Ecuadorian (not USC); "wait 2 weeks; we'll mail her."

07-2008 = Daily calls to DOS: "currently processing"; 8/05 = Phoned consulate, got Section Chief; wrote him.

08-07-08 = E-mail from consulate, promising to issue visa "as soon as we get her passport" (on 8/12, per DHL).

08-27-08 = Phoned consulate (they "couldn't find" our file); visa DHL'd 8/28; in hand 9/1; through POE on 10/9 with NO hassles(!).

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