Worried about marital issues

[QueenOfBlades 224]

Hi guys.

Please know I'm not looking for relationship advice in this thread, strictly immigration advice. My husband tells me I worry way too much and he doesn't understand what I'm worried about, but I have bad anxiety and I worry so much that the slightest thing could go wrong. I have throughout the whole process.

My husband and I aren't sure where our future may lead right now. We were best friends for many years before we started dating - I went through a lot of trauma and sexual assault with an abusive ex-partner, my husband flew up from the US as I was close to suicide and made me see a doctor. I owe him my life and he stayed with me for months, and we sparked up a passionate romance in that time. Initially I wanted him to move to the UK, but the rules were so complicated and his mum offered to help me move there so we could be together. It seemed the easiest way for us to start a life together back then. Our relationship and marriage was and always has been completely legitimate. My husband is autistic, he finds it hard to work and he acts very child-like sometimes. I love him as a husband, but also as family, like a brother, best friend and son. He enjoys the care and nurturing I can provide for him.

Anyway - we aren't sure where our marriage is headed right now. There have been a lot of strains on it including his mother being depressed and taking it out on us, him not working and financial difficulty, etc. I've found it difficult to adjust in SC and I'm not happy here. We both intend to move to the west coast next year with a woman we are both close to/consensually and know about in a polyamorous arrangement. She is very kind and good to us both and we both love her like family.

We've discussed divorce but we are simply not sure what is going to happen. We still love each other very much and care for each other deeply. Our assets are all still very much co-mingled. We still want to be in each other's lives. The move could do us the world of good and it might change things. We still want a life together, we just aren't sure what that looks like right now.

All things considered, I'm terrified of getting an ROC interview. If I did get called in, I'm not sure what this would look like to the interviewer. I am not ready to file for divorce, and even if I were, the state of SC requires you to live apart for a year which we cannot and will not do. That's not what we want. I don't know whether I should send a letter in to USCIS letting them know my marital situation is rocky at the moment. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I love my family and want them both in my life, just my husband and I are currently evaluating how we want our relationship to look in the future and whether we want to remain husband and wife, or something else. We are very amicable and we filed the ROC petition jointly. We still have our assets co-mingled and continue to build assets/finances together because I know I want him in my life regardless.

USCIS has always stressed me out beyond belief and now that I feel like my case isn't an open and shut one if I get an interview, it's giving me panic attacks.

[QueenOfBlades 224]

Also my husband's attitude is - "I don't know what you're worried about. We entered it in good faith, we aren't divorced, we've no idea if we will divorce, having marriage issues isn't grounds to deny it. We are legit so why are you worried?"

Meanwhile I'm taking anxiety pills to calm myself down.

[Villanelle 4,121]

Also my husband's attitude is - "I don't know what you're worried about. We entered it in good faith, we aren't divorced, we've no idea if we will divorce, having marriage issues isn't grounds to deny it. We are legit so why are you worried?"

Meanwhile I'm taking anxiety pills to calm myself down.

can I send you a message?

[QueenOfBlades 224]

Sure, anyone is free to PM me.

(For the record - the anxiety meds are my prescription, nothing dodgy.)

[EM_Vandaveer 2,364]

Also my husband's attitude is - "I don't know what you're worried about. We entered it in good faith, we aren't divorced, we've no idea if we will divorce, having marriage issues isn't grounds to deny it. We are legit so why are you worried?"

Meanwhile I'm taking anxiety pills to calm myself down.

To be honest I pretty much agree with your husband. Not having problems in your marriage is not a requirement for ROC. Edited December 12, 2016 by EM_Vandaveer

[dawning 212]

I am not an expert, but I tend to think that your husband is right... Just because you have thought of divorcing, if you haven't made that decision you should proceed as though you are expecting to stay together. Relationships are hard, and a lot of people may talk about or think about divorce, but until they actually take the step they are entitled to be treated as a married couple.

I suppose you might have some grounds to worry that if you are engaging in polyamorous situations they might think that your relationship is not legitimate, as "infidelity" (a slippery term) is considered a deal breaker by many couples. However, I don't know how that would come up if you don't volunteer it. Does anyone else have any insight on that front?

Be careful with anxiety pills. I recommend meditation or yoga, although I know it may not work for everyone.

Good luck!

Edit: I saw your post about the pills after I posted... I didn't mean to imply that your use of the pills was dodgy, just that they could have side effects you might not find desirable.

Edited December 12, 2016 by dawning

[QueenOfBlades 224]

That is reassuring from you all, thank you.

Yes, the polyamory thing worries me as well. I don't want it to be a smudge on my character if it ever comes up. It's far from infidelity though, it's something all parties agreed to from the beginning with full communication and understanding. The heart can't help where it goes but a person can help how they handle it and allowing all individuals to make informed decisions.

Despite it all being very above board and stable, I worry if a USCIS officer might get upset if it came up in interview. I didn't include info about it in my packet because it wasn't relevant and the seriousness of it is more recent.

My ROC packet was also quite comprehensive and showed many joint assets, including a car we both bought two weeks before we sent the packet with a 5 year joint loan, and previous cars, bank statements, leases etc dating to the start of our marriage (a loooot of stuff)

[indiana_sweetie 120]

Are you planning to complete ROC before moving? The reason I mention that is my hubby and I did have an interview because we moved twice in 2 year's time. We were interviewed separately but the majority of the questions were about the moves we made. I think they just wanted to be sure we made the moves together. It was a short, easy interview, because we both knew all the answers, because we did everything together. My hubby got his 10 year card. Best of luck to you and hope you can breath a sigh of relief soon.

[QueenOfBlades 224]

If the CSC processing times hold up, it will be after it completes. Our move is planned for mid May and the 6 month mark for our case is mid April. We haven't moved from our place of residence since I arrived in 2013 (except temporary lodgings due to an ice storm destroying our kitchen which I documented and explained in the initial packet and provided the lease with joint names)

[Ortolan 381]

I agree with your husband; I think it's going to be fine. A lot of couples have problems adjusting, especially in the first few years. Doesn't mean you're going to divorce.

If you move before your case is decided, just be sure to file your change of permanent address quickly (you're supposed to do that within 10 days of your move). It's my opinion that everything's going to work out fine, so try not to worry.

[C-ma'am 684]

That is reassuring from you all, thank you.

Yes, the polyamory thing worries me as well. I don't want it to be a smudge on my character if it ever comes up. It's far from infidelity though, it's something all parties agreed to from the beginning with full communication and understanding. The heart can't help where it goes but a person can help how they handle it and allowing all individuals to make informed decisions.

Despite it all being very above board and stable, I worry if a USCIS officer might get upset if it came up in interview. I didn't include info about it in my packet because it wasn't relevant and the seriousness of it is more recent.

My ROC packet was also quite comprehensive and showed many joint assets, including a car we both bought two weeks before we sent the packet with a 5 year joint loan, and previous cars, bank statements, leases etc dating to the start of our marriage (a loooot of stuff)

Honestly, I don't see why your relationship arrangement with that 3rd person would come up in the interview unless you volunteer information. USCIS will Remove Conditions based on your marriage to your husband. For as long as you both want to remain married, I don't see the problem. You will not be marrying that other person, so why explain your heart desires?

If asked, you should always be truthful, but you should NEVER volunteer information either. Once again, I don't see how USCIS would even ask you about it unless you tell them first. Your marriage is yours and your husband's.

[LionessDeon 2,060]

Thinking logically here you state your not filing for divorce at this time, have no plans to live separately, but are comtemplating sending a letter to USCIS? To tell them what? Why would you consider doing something that would create a potential problem for you when nothing is definite. Why do you feel it necessary to inform USCIS of your personal marital sex life?

I would do my best to make life less complicated not cause yourself more stress and problem. Go on with your life. Decide what's best for you and your husband. When final decisions are made then your can deal with the immigration end of it, if it even has any bearing on it.

[genghiz 2]

I completely agree with what your husband told you; i.e., no need to worry about it. You entered the marriage in good faith and you're not divorced/separated. There is no legal obligation at this point that you need to inform USCIS. Just wait and see how things go. You're stressing out for no reason. Take it easy and everything will be alright! :-) If you do move before your petition is approved, you must inform USCIS about this and provide them with your new address.

Edited December 12, 2016 by genghiz

[lucybelle 453]

Everything about immigration is stressful so I understand why you're feeling this way. But I also agree with the others.

Best wishes in your journey.

[Rc123rc 528]

My advice? I can't tell you stop worrying. I know that is not going to happen. Gather your relationship evidence, the same as everyone else. Only provide the information USCIS requires and nothing more. No mention of possible divorce, third party, moving, etc, etc. What are you thinking when you want to tell them all of those things? Quite frankly, that's sabotaging yourself. Of course there are always some things to worry about. Anyone who doesn't worry about the immigration process is brain dead. Take a deep breath, stop rambling about this, that and other things and do what you need to do to get through the ROC with minimum hassle or potential questions asked because something was said that you shouldn't have.