Fiance, children, and the other parent

[IfoemaUS 25]

Ok so I'm being a little vulnerable by asking for feedback here but I'm more likely to find others with similar situations on VJ than anywhere else. I am currently engaged to my fiance and we've been together since Dec 2014. I was previously married and from that marriage have 2 children (boy 12 & girl 5). I've visited my fiance but my children have yet to meet him in person. However they speak to him every day via phone and/or Skype and have a great connection. My ex-husband feels that since the kids haven't met my fiance in person that it's a problem if we marry and he moves in when he gets here. My ex husband really doesn't know any details in terms of us going through the visa process...all he knows is that I'm engaged and my fiance lives in another country. He doesn't like the idea of him moving in as soon as he relocates here. I didn't ask for his opinion...just simply informed him of the engagement so that the kids wouldn't tell him first. Has anyone else experienced an ex with this concern? Thoughts?

[TBoneTX 43,004]

*** Thread is moved from the K-1 Process forum to the General Immigration Discussion forum. ***

[Georgia16 2,858]

I understand how he feels to be honest. He will be a huge part of their lives when he moves there and are married to their mother. Both for him and the kids (and for you) I think I would be nice if they met first too but it's what make you all feel best you should do.

[Penguin_ie 5,984]

I have heard of such issues before, yes. Could you arrange a visit WITH your kids to see your fiance? That way they can meet him in person, which does make a big difference, especially for younger kids. It may also help, if you are comfortable, telling your ex more about the situation, give him more details- how long it will take to get the fiance here, which means more time getting used to eachother. What the fiance's current situation is, how he loves your kids etc.

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

When my now husband first arrived he stayed with a friend ( his uncle) for 2 weeks while I introduced him to my children and they got to know him. If you don't have a friend he can stay with consider a hotel. It is always best for them to meet the first time on neutral territory

[IfoemaUS 25]

When my now husband first arrived he stayed with a friend ( his uncle) for 2 weeks while I introduced him to my children and they got to know him. If you don't have a friend he can stay with consider a hotel. It is always best for them to meet the first time on neutral territory

I think this is a good idea. His family lives on the west coast and I'm on the opposite side so he has no direct family near me but if we have to do a hotel then we will. I really don't think it will take long for everyone to feel comfortable. My children and him already have a great time talking and laughing on the phone/Skype. He is very involved in our day to day routines and activities. He even skypes in for the kid's sports activities. Saying all of that to say they already have a good foundation and everyone is comfortable from conversations I've had with each separately.

[MADDEN 40]

It's always a tricky situation when introducing a new partner where children are concerned not only for the children but for the other parent as well. In my case when I had an established relationship with my now husband I had my children 9 and 15 Skype and chat with him as much as possible, after I visited him by myself he then flew out to Australia to meet with my children, personally I feel this was an important step to help us all with further bonding. Is it not possible for your Fiance to meet with your children before he moves to the States?

I feel your ex husband has a right as the other parent to know your plans with your Fiance in regards to his Visa application and your future plans. If you still have a good relationship with him why not get him and your Fiance to have a chat together so to put your ex husband more at ease with your situation and to see that the children will remain a top priority.

All the best.

[IfoemaUS 25]

It's always a tricky situation when introducing a new partner where children are concerned not only for the children but for the other parent as well. In my case when I had an established relationship with my now husband I had my children 9 and 15 Skype and chat with him as much as possible, after I visited him by myself he then flew out to Australia to meet with my children, personally I feel this was an important step to help us all with further bonding. Is it not possible for your Fiance to meet with your children before he moves to the States?

I feel your ex husband has a right as the other parent to know your plans with your Fiance in regards to his Visa application and your future plans. If you still have a good relationship with him why not get him and your Fiance to have a chat together so to put your ex husband more at ease with your situation and to see that the children will remain a top priority.

All the best.

The children will definitely meet him in person once he gets here. I have to disagree in regards to my ex husband having any rights to know that I'm going thru a visa process because (him coming on a visa) has nothing to do with the kids directly. I have always told him that he will have an opportunity to meet and talk to my fiance because he is my kid's father but to me, that has no relation to the fact that he is coming on a visa. It's just that my ex husband wants to be more involved than I feel he needs to be. Introductions and getting to know him are enough...needing his approval is overboard.

[NikLR 13,220]

While I agree with you, think about how you would feel in the same situation in regards to your children. He's being cautious so dont take it personally against you, but rather know he's coming from his fear for his children's safety.

I get it because I've gone through a similar situation when my husband met my daughter in person for the first time. I think a hotel or staying with your friends is a good solution for the first week.

Edited May 3, 2016 by NLR

[IfoemaUS 25]

While I agree with you, think about how you would feel in the same situation in regards to your children. He's being cautious so dont take it personally against you, but rather know he's coming from his fear for his children's safety.

I get it because I've gone through a similar situation when my husband met my daughter in person for the first time. I think a hotel or staying with your friends is a good solution for the first week.

The thing is, I have been in the same situation when he married...circumstances were a bit different but same outcome. I found out through 3rd parties that he was engaged and then later when they married...but he wants to have advanced notice of my actions. He claims he only did it because he married the one that finally ended our marriage and he knew how I would feel...however, this is supposed to be about our kids and I didn't get the same consideration he wants. He says the difference is they were exposed to her (never mind the fact that it was under scandalous circumstances) so that makes his point valid. The thing is, I have no issue with him speaking to or meeting my fiance...also ask the kids how they feel, but I do not feel he has rights whatsoever in regards to my personal life and I will make sure the kids meet him before he moves in.

[Boiler 43,386]

Another vote for meeting before the big move.

[IfoemaUS 25]

Another vote for meeting before the big move.

I've always intended on a meeting prior but it my ex wants there to be "long-term" face to face interaction beforehand and that's the issue. So I'm trying to determine what's sufficient for meeting. (?)

[Boiler 43,386]

Long term means different things to different people, a couple of weeks would be nice.

[LionessDeon 2,060]

I took my sons to JA last summer to meet my fiancé. We stayed with him for 2 weeks. Even though they Skype and talk on the phone I was very glad they got to meet and had a little chance to get to know him. I think they feel better too. Everyone got along great and they are even more excited for him to come to USA.

Edited May 3, 2016 by LionessDeon

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

When my now husband first arrived he stayed with a friend ( his uncle) for 2 weeks while I introduced him to my children and they got to know him. If you don't have a friend he can stay with consider a hotel. It is always best for them to meet the first time on neutral territory

Best advice !