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jamyestrella

Anybody else get tired of people not taking their relationship serious.

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I might rant a bit here, but this is one of the few places with people who actually understand what I go through. I get so annoyed by people undermining my relationship. Its always someone making it seem like it is less significant because we are living apart at the moment. My favorite are the guys that think I'm free game because my spouse is away :ranting: .

I have been with my husband for years. We have endured things that people who live in the same house could've of never stayed married through. Unfortunately, because life happened we had to postpone the immigration process for while. But we have stayed together through it all. I get so tired of people not taking my marriage seriously because we met online and he isn't here right now. Anybody else get similar treatment from family and friends? Its annoying. I can guarantee, the we probably talk more, respect and value each other more than a lot of married couples who are blessed with not having to go through a difficult immigration process to be with each other. I'm just ranting and wondering if I'm the only one who gets treated this way :angry: .

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oh, yer not alone. Lots of folk here live with constant, IRL, in-yer-face stuff from family and relatives.

I knew there might be a fuss later, not even knowing my wife at the time,

when I decided to let my family get involved in the hunt.

I gave my parents a list of what i was seeking, all of my great aunts (who were school teachers across a 5 county area and knew EVERYONE, their kids, and their grandkids) and I would check in every three months with all, asking 'whatcha find? whatcha got? which perspective new wives have you found for me?'

And so it went, for 2 years, they not have any response to my query and search. After I married my wife, and came back with the photos, most were aghast, slinging all kinds of racial epithets, but I quickly shut them up with:

Hey ! I gave you two years with full input to find a lass for me. You failed me, thinking I wasn't serious! You wasted 2 years of my life and I really thought you had my best interests at heart !

Sure, they started talking to me again after the first year of marriage, but it was a bit constrained. And yes, each one of the great Aunts (there were 5) told me, on her deathbed, that they were sad that I married a <Insert Racial Epithet here> but they loved me.

Anyway - that's my story, or a bit of it. I need to sling something into Readers' Digest, they pay for publication. Maybe you can do something similar, keep a running personal log of yer 'occurences' and your internal responses, make other peoples' hate work in your favor ($$$).


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I can totally relate with what you're feeling. I'm lucky enough to have been in the United States for going on 3 years now, but the sarcastic and condescending comments and eye rolls I would get from "friends" and acquaintances still rings fresh in my mind. Both my wife and I endured some heavy life situations while living seemingly a world apart and that only strengthened our bond. The people who thought our relationship was fleeting or "cute" in a condescending way never seemed to have any real depth in their relationships. The cliche "easy come easy go" comes to mind as so many people these days give up on their relationships when met with friction or challenges. Relationships are work and when you find the one you know is yours, the peanut butter to your jelly so to speak, no invisible border or bureaucratic immigration system can keep you apart. Until one opens themselves up to that kind of love they will continue to roll their eyes, snicker and even try to stray you away from your happy ending. Good to hear your staying strong and I hope you make it home to your fella sooner than later.

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I can totally relate with what you're feeling. I'm lucky enough to have been in the United States for going on 3 years now, but the sarcastic and condescending comments and eye rolls I would get from "friends" and acquaintances still rings fresh in my mind. Both my wife and I endured some heavy life situations while living seemingly a world apart and that only strengthened our bond. The people who thought our relationship was fleeting or "cute" in a condescending way never seemed to have any real depth in their relationships. The cliche "easy come easy go" comes to mind as so many people these days give up on their relationships when met with friction or challenges. Relationships are work and when you find the one you know is yours, the peanut butter to your jelly so to speak, no invisible border or bureaucratic immigration system can keep you apart. Until one opens themselves up to that kind of love they will continue to roll their eyes, snicker and even try to stray you away from your happy ending. Good to hear your staying strong and I hope you make it home to your fella sooner than later.

Too many people let go easily and we are standing strong in difficult odds, yet we get the eye rolls. It does strengthen the bond a lot. It forges trust and communication skills.

oh, yer not alone. Lots of folk here live with constant, IRL, in-yer-face stuff from family and relatives.

I knew there might be a fuss later, not even knowing my wife at the time,

when I decided to let my family get involved in the hunt.

I gave my parents a list of what i was seeking, all of my great aunts (who were school teachers across a 5 county area and knew EVERYONE, their kids, and their grandkids) and I would check in every three months with all, asking 'whatcha find? whatcha got? which perspective new wives have you found for me?'

And so it went, for 2 years, they not have any response to my query and search. After I married my wife, and came back with the photos, most were aghast, slinging all kinds of racial epithets, but I quickly shut them up with:

Hey ! I gave you two years with full input to find a lass for me. You failed me, thinking I wasn't serious! You wasted 2 years of my life and I really thought you had my best interests at heart !

Sure, they started talking to me again after the first year of marriage, but it was a bit constrained. And yes, each one of the great Aunts (there were 5) told me, on her deathbed, that they were sad that I married a <Insert Racial Epithet here> but they loved me.

Anyway - that's my story, or a bit of it. I need to sling something into Readers' Digest, they pay for publication. Maybe you can do something similar, keep a running personal log of yer 'occurences' and your internal responses, make other peoples' hate work in your favor ($$$).

It amazes how much of an issue people have with things of this nature. When I got married some of my family was pissed too, my brother didn't even want to talk to my husband and thought I lost my mind. I have actually thought about writing about my experiences in having a long distance marriage. Maybe I should.

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What people say or do tells us a lot about their character. People who try to invalidate your relationship are just announcing their low character.

Once someone has signaled their low character this way, don't try to validate yourself to them. That is putting the situation backwards. We do not explain ourselves to people of low character.

It is somewhat surprising that even on visajourney we have a lot of people who think they were elected to the position of Judge of Marriages, declaring them invalid for differences in age, economic, or social status. There are people who think meeting one way or another is superior/inferior.

Sometimes it is hard not to get defensive. But don't do it. That is what they want. To be the judge and have you explaining yourself to them. You would not explain yourself to a pig. They are not worthy of it nor capable.

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I had family who were angry that I was moving more than anything else. I didn't talk to my brother for over a year. I haven't talked to my father in over 3 years. We stopped speaking since right before my wedding when he told me he wasn't coming because my mother was officiating. They divorced when I was 2. Get over it buddy! *rolls eyes* He said "oh I'll come see you the day before" and never did. It was the last promise from him that wasn't kept because I stopped letting him make promises to me.

You don't really choose your soul mate, and sometimes you never meet that person. All you can do is try when you think you've met them. Even if that person starts out far away. Even when you have to go through all this bureaucratic bologna to get to them just to live your life.

People often don't think outside their bubble unless forced to, and just don't understand. But then do we really ever understand anything until you've experienced it yourself?


You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.  - Dr. Seuss

 

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I had family who were angry that I was moving more than anything else. I didn't talk to my brother for over a year. I haven't talked to my father in over 3 years. We stopped speaking since right before my wedding when he told me he wasn't coming because my mother was officiating. They divorced when I was 2. Get over it buddy! *rolls eyes* He said "oh I'll come see you the day before" and never did. It was the last promise from him that wasn't kept because I stopped letting him make promises to me.

You don't really choose your soul mate, and sometimes you never meet that person. All you can do is try when you think you've met them. Even if that person starts out far away. Even when you have to go through all this bureaucratic bologna to get to them just to live your life.

People often don't think outside their bubble unless forced to, and just don't understand. But then do we really ever understand anything until you've experienced it yourself?

I agree. Since it is something out of the norm for most people they look at it the wrong way. In reality though, it is not that unusual. So many people do it.

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The only relationships I have ever had were long-distance. I am absolutely terrible in social situations and more often than not just weird women out with my awkwardness lol.
But online I can be myself (which is hard to do with so many fakers out there). My Dad never understood that. He is a very social creature; he makes fast friends with anyone he meets and had quite a huge slew of girlfriends before meeting my Mom. My whole life, I had a small group of very close friends; seriously, my whole life, I think I only had a max of about four or five people I can truly call friends. I've had a total of two romantic relationships in my life, the second of which is my wife. The shortest relationship I've ever had lasted three and a half years. Another thing my Dad never understood; I am of the mindset that when you date, you're doing it to you can find your mate; the person you are going to marry, have kids with, live your life with, and have standing by your side when you die. His is, you're having fun before your prison sentence begins. That's a waste of my time in my personal opinion.
So he was always my biggest obstacle.

But my coworkers were also pretty bad, which you don't expect in the military, which is the who's-who of foreign girlfriends and spouses. They were always talking about how she was cheating on me, that I should have some fun since "she'll never know," etc. etc.

Easier just to ignore them and press forward with your relationship. Eventually they'll have no choice but to shut their mouths or risk losing you.


I am the USC.

The member "Khaleesi" is my beautiful wife.

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The only relationships I have ever had were long-distance. I am absolutely terrible in social situations and more often than not just weird women out with my awkwardness lol.

But online I can be myself (which is hard to do with so many fakers out there). My Dad never understood that. He is a very social creature; he makes fast friends with anyone he meets and had quite a huge slew of girlfriends before meeting my Mom. My whole life, I had a small group of very close friends; seriously, my whole life, I think I only had a max of about four or five people I can truly call friends. I've had a total of two romantic relationships in my life, the second of which is my wife. The shortest relationship I've ever had lasted three and a half years. Another thing my Dad never understood; I am of the mindset that when you date, you're doing it to you can find your mate; the person you are going to marry, have kids with, live your life with, and have standing by your side when you die. His is, you're having fun before your prison sentence begins. That's a waste of my time in my personal opinion.

So he was always my biggest obstacle.

But my coworkers were also pretty bad, which you don't expect in the military, which is the who's-who of foreign girlfriends and spouses. They were always talking about how she was cheating on me, that I should have some fun since "she'll never know," etc. etc.

Easier just to ignore them and press forward with your relationship. Eventually they'll have no choice but to shut their mouths or risk losing you.

I try, it just gets old. I can't wait to prove them wrong, yet I don't want to go into things like that you know. Its only gotten to the point where I just don't care to make an effort to have them get to know him when he gets here. I could care less if they do.

Edited by jamyestrella

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When he becomes "real" to them (after arrival), their attitudes might change.


06-04-2007 = TSC stamps postal return-receipt for I-129f.

06-11-2007 = NOA1 date (unknown to me).

07-20-2007 = Phoned Immigration Officer; got WAC#; where's NOA1?

09-25-2007 = Touch (first-ever).

09-28-2007 = NOA1, 23 days after their 45-day promise to send it (grrrr).

10-20 & 11-14-2007 = Phoned ImmOffs; "still pending."

12-11-2007 = 180 days; file is "between workstations, may be early Jan."; touches 12/11 & 12/12.

12-18-2007 = Call; file is with Division 9 ofcr. (bckgrnd check); e-prompt to shake it; touch.

12-19-2007 = NOA2 by e-mail & web, dated 12-18-07 (187 days; 201 per VJ); in mail 12/24/07.

01-09-2008 = File from USCIS to NVC, 1-4-08; NVC creates file, 1/15/08; to consulate 1/16/08.

01-23-2008 = Consulate gets file; outdated Packet 4 mailed to fiancee 1/27/08; rec'd 3/3/08.

04-29-2008 = Fiancee's 4-min. consular interview, 8:30 a.m.; much evidence brought but not allowed to be presented (consul: "More proof! Second interview! Bring your fiance!").

05-05-2008 = Infuriating $12 call to non-English-speaking consulate appointment-setter.

05-06-2008 = Better $12 call to English-speaker; "joint" interview date 6/30/08 (my selection).

06-30-2008 = Stokes Interrogations w/Ecuadorian (not USC); "wait 2 weeks; we'll mail her."

07-2008 = Daily calls to DOS: "currently processing"; 8/05 = Phoned consulate, got Section Chief; wrote him.

08-07-08 = E-mail from consulate, promising to issue visa "as soon as we get her passport" (on 8/12, per DHL).

08-27-08 = Phoned consulate (they "couldn't find" our file); visa DHL'd 8/28; in hand 9/1; through POE on 10/9 with NO hassles(!).

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I had family who were angry that I was moving more than anything else. I didn't talk to my brother for over a year. I haven't talked to my father in over 3 years. We stopped speaking since right before my wedding when he told me he wasn't coming because my mother was officiating. They divorced when I was 2. Get over it buddy! *rolls eyes* He said "oh I'll come see you the day before" and never did. It was the last promise from him that wasn't kept because I stopped letting him make promises to me.

You don't really choose your soul mate, and sometimes you never meet that person. All you can do is try when you think you've met them. Even if that person starts out far away. Even when you have to go through all this bureaucratic bologna to get to them just to live your life.

People often don't think outside their bubble unless forced to, and just don't understand. But then do we really ever understand anything until you've experienced it yourself?

I feel your pain Niki. Without going into details I have family stuff that's been going on for years, and people I haven't spoken to in over a decade. Whoever said "blood is thicker than water", was full of !

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People often don't think outside their bubble unless forced to, and just don't understand. But then do we really ever understand anything until you've experienced it yourself?

Of course we do, and it is quite easy most of the time. That's what is hard to understand - how someone can be such an idiot.

I am not gay but have zero problems understanding a man loving another man. In terms of understanding a long distance relationship or moving - this takes barely more than the brain of a child to understand. We have been migrating for over two million years as a species. Not long ago, arranged marriages were far more prevalent, and people married spouses having never seen them, communicated with them, or knowing much of anything about them.

It really has to be a very strong signal to us when people are so closed-minded.

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The average person doesn't think about the world other than how it relates to them on average. You may not understand that, but I do. Maybe you think you do, but your statement says otherwise. It doesn't mean they're incapable, they just don't think about it.

We can sympathize and feel like we understand a situation or someone's feelings but there are many things in the world you cannot know unless you can experience them.


You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.  - Dr. Seuss

 

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The average person doesn't think about the world other than how it relates to them on average. You may not understand that, but I do.

Actually, no - I do quite a bit of study on this as a personal hobby, stemming from my interest in personality/character disorders. It is the psychology of empathy.

It is our duty as parents to inculcate empathy, and it has a great deal to do with how people act later as adults. Our culture also has quite a bit to do with it too. It isn't strictly "nurture" of course, as sociopaths also come from backgrounds where these things were nurtured. There are lots of articles on this, most of which I read in the peer reviewed literature because I have access through the University.

But lots in the popular literature too, like this:

http://www.parentingscience.com/teaching-empathy-tips.html

Children learn empathy. That's how easy it is. The statement about the "average thinking about the average" is circular. But I couldn't agree more that we use similar experiences to develop empathy for others. Understanding love between gays does not require that you be gay. I don't have to like onions to understand that other people do.

The OP is concerned people cannot apparently empathize with the fact she has a relationship. It does not require having a long distance relationship yourself in order to empathize with her having a relationship. The people she is concerned about have relationships themselves. So it is an utterly trivial thing to understand.

What is very common though is that people try to invalidate our relationship for very different reasons than not understanding it. Guys who want to get into jamyestrellas pants. She expressed the most disdain for that, and it is pretty easy to understand that their motivation is in their trousers, not that they are incapable of understanding. But it is also snooty people who just want to put her down. Bigotry. Jealousy. Envy. Spite. These are very different matters from not having empathy. They actually do understand, and dislike her relationship for selfish reasons.

And that is why this comes down the vast majority of the time to character. People with character do not try to seduce married women. They do not take cheap shots at people out of jealousy, envy, or spite. They are not bigoted. Etc.

And that is why it is worthless trying to convince a horny male that is trying to get down your pants that your relationship is real. He already knows. He just has no qualms about bedding married women and would be happy to bed a married woman in a domestic relationship too if he thought he could get away with it. He is a man with bad character, and what you do is avoid him instead of meeting for coffee or a beer to try proving your relationship is real.

Edited by rlogan

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Understanding others, empathy towards others, and thinking about the world other than how it relates to yourself, are three different things in my opinion. Doesn't mean they're not related and can intermingle, but they are different things.

I do agree that people can invalidate relationships while understanding them. The men who think she's free game... Well many people will do exactly that simply because they don't see a person standing beside you. Women will think you're after their spouse, when you're not. Men will think well he isn't here to defend himself so who cares?

Women will flirt with married men and men will flirt with married women. Sometimes they flirt because you are unobtainable, so it makes the chase more appetizing to them, or less painful since they already know the answer is no. Whatever the motivation on their part is really none of your concern but how you react is. Don't give them the time of day or waste the breath. Ignoring, in my experience, works infinitely better. No one likes to be ignored so it's the greatest put down with the least effort (other than keeping yer trap shut... which can be difficult at times for some of us!) Speaking of which.... Own advice taken! ;)


You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.  - Dr. Seuss

 

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