Dumped by fiance?

[nane1104 146]

To be honest, reading your post gets all kinds of alarms going for me.

Is she looking for some happiness guarantee? Or is her main concern to be financially taken care of? And if it's the later, what does that mean? Are, and how are these two things connected?

To me, you can be financially well taken care of and still be unhappy or you can be poor but boast of happiness.

I'd really make sure you guys are on the same page with that.

I know from my mother-in-law who is a filippina, that their expectations and their understanding of love can be a lot different from what western cultures are. She told me for instance that she liked her then boyfriend and she loved that he was potentially a good provider for her and eventually she grew to love him, but she was not in love at first.

To be honest, I was a bit shocked first but to her that seemed very normal and acceptable.

A gain, you need to talk to your future wife and see if you are in agreement.

if she has cold feet because you can't live up to her financial needs or expectations, that would be a major issue for me.

[onye uwaoma 131]

She doesn't have any respect for you.

lol - ask strangers what my riddles mean. I don't have time to explain.

Plenty of women are super busy, have time to communicate with their partner and don't feed them ###### while saying it is chocolate.

Thank you for being real... It feels like some people enjoy beating about the bush lol...

[onye uwaoma 131]

To be honest, reading your post gets all kinds of alarms going for me.

Is she looking for some happiness guarantee? Or is her main concern to be financially taken care of? And if it's the later, what does that mean? Are, and how are these two things connected?

To me, you can be financially well taken care of and still be unhappy or you can be poor but boast of happiness.

I'd really make sure you guys are on the same page with that.

I know from my mother-in-law who is a filippina, that their expectations and their understanding of love can be a lot different from what western cultures are. She told me for instance that she liked her then boyfriend and she loved that he was potentially a good provider for her and eventually she grew to love him, but she was not in love at first.

To be honest, I was a bit shocked first but to her that seemed very normal and acceptable.

A gain, you need to talk to your future wife and see if you are in agreement.

if she has cold feet because you can't live up to her financial needs or expectations, that would be a major issue for me.

Agreed... "Money is numbers and numbers never end. If it takes money to be happy, your search for happiness will never end." -Bob Marley

[clairegie 265]

While I agree that she is definitely looking for reassurance, I think you need to be absolutely clear to her about your financial situation. Specifically if you are expecting her to work too. As a filipina who had no idea about the United States, all I knew about it was what I saw on tv and man was I wrong. You need to be clear of what you expect from her and ask her what she thinks her life will be here so you can be on the same page. You also need to know if she is expected to send money home regularly and how many people she is leaving behind that are dependent on her and be honest about how you feel about it.

This is a good start in practicing good communication between you two since that is absolutely necessary to have a healthy marriage. Take lead and have her express her concerns and thoughts better, instead of asking you to find other Filipinos married to Americans.

[onye uwaoma 131]

While I agree that she is definitely looking for reassurance, I think you need to be absolutely clear to her about your financial situation. Specifically if you are expecting her to work too. As a filipina who had no idea about the United States, all I knew about it was what I saw on tv and man was I wrong. You need to be clear of what you expect from her and ask her what she thinks her life will be here so you can be on the same page. You also need to know if she is expected to send money home regularly and how many people she is leaving behind that are dependent on her and be honest about how you feel about it.

This is a good start in practicing good communication between you two since that is absolutely necessary to have a healthy marriage. Take lead and have her express her concerns and thoughts better, instead of asking you to find other Filipinos married to Americans.

...and what do you take the man for? your idea of communication seemed great, but I don't see any reason why the man should be held to ransom by this filipino of a fiancee'; love is sacrificial...but I can't see most posters mentioning this or is it all about financial transactions?

[clairegie 265]

...and what do you take the man for? your idea of communication seemed great, but I don't see any reason why the man should be held to ransom by this filipino of a fiancee'; love is sacrificial...but I can't see most posters mentioning this or is it all about financial transactions?

What are you talking about? its about laying everything out on the table. all the other posters already said almost everything about reassurances etc. this is the real world and a real marriage. Talking about finances and what you both need to do to make ends meet is just being realistic. He is not being held ransom, but I think the man will appreciate knowing if he is to feed other people too.

[onye uwaoma 131]

What are you talking about? its about laying everything out on the table. all the other posters already said almost everything about reassurances etc. this is the real world and a real marriage. Talking about finances and what you both need to do to make ends meet is just being realistic. He is not being held ransom, but I think the man will appreciate knowing if he is to feed other people too.

...then why wait at the dying minute if this is in good faith? you may want to read the op's story again, and also don't misinterpret the headline "Dumped by fiance?" she was being calculative and the man's confusion could have said it all... something isn't just straight if don't mind

[clairegie 265]

...then why wait at the dying minute if this is in good faith? you may want to read the op's story again, and also don't misinterpret the headline "Dumped by fiance?" she was being calculative and the man's confusion could have said it all... something isn't just straight if don't mind

I have no idea what you are going on about. It's my 2 cents and its up to the OP if he accepts it or not. It's not your place to tell me what I can and cannot advice as a married woman. If you have your own suggestions, feel free to express it. Otherwise, stop attacking mine.

Do us all a favor and fill in your timeline. Maybe then you can be helpful.

Edited June 29, 2015 by iammrsregie

[onye uwaoma 131]

I have no idea what you are going on about. It's my 2 cents and its up to the OP if he accepts it or not. It's not your place to tell me what I can and cannot advice as a married woman. If you have your own suggestions, feel free to express it. Otherwise, stop attacking mine.

Do us all a favor and fill in your timeline. Maybe then you can be helpful.

No! I am not attacking you. hold your peace lol... you have your opinion like everyone's okay... you have the right to agree or disagree with any comment on public forum without being offensive or offended...

[onye uwaoma 131]

I have no idea what you are going on about. It's my 2 cents and its up to the OP if he accepts it or not. It's not your place to tell me what I can and cannot advice as a married woman. If you have your own suggestions, feel free to express it. Otherwise, stop attacking mine.

Do us all a favor and fill in your timeline. Maybe then you can be helpful.

Oh! what i am talking about is why would the fiancee wait at the dying minute if she's intended in good faith...

[clairegie 265]

Oh! what i am talking about is why would the fiancee wait at the dying minute if she's intended in good faith...

Just cold feet. Not easy uprooting yourself and moving to another country.

[onye uwaoma 131]

Just cold feet. Not easy uprooting yourself and moving to another country.

Didn't sound like it...she told him to go asking other filipinos... doesn't sound rude to you?

[AC1022 27]

Come on people, we are talking about getting married and being with someone hopefully for the rest of the their lives through what the main communication being Internet! Long separation is never good when it comes to couple, although the idea of falling in love with Americans and coming to states and living in this what was believed a fairy land on TV sound appealing, it does take time for one to fully commit to a stranger that "Yes I love him and Yes I want to go to a foreign country and live there with him". She is having cold feet and probably also hearing her friends and relatives talking about "my daughter/friend is going to the big US of A to have a wonderful life!" AND she is not certain if she has made a correct choice. That's probably why she wants to hear from OP the assurance that we are going to be financially stable and you and your family will be taken care of. Women are all about the ears!

The truth is, no one can assure that, not OP, not anyone, not even the president! This is just what it takes to start a relationship with someone. So to OP, if I were you, I'd just say: I love you, and I will try my best, but I cannot guarantee we will always be in stable as I cannot predict the future! It is for the best to lay it out on the table before cold hard life happens, what is waiting ahead of you being possible bickering, complaining, or even an empty closet without adios.

Any girl can't take that is not the girl you want to go through the immigration process with, nor the girl you want to marry to.

[usmsbow 795]

Didn't sound like it...she told him to go asking other filipinos... doesn't sound rude to you?

Nope, not to me. She is probably quite aware of "horror stories" of other fillipinas moving to the USA and finding out the situation was far from ideal. She's worried it will happen to her, and is getting cold feet. To me, she was saying, "Look, please understand why i'm flipping out. Ask around and you'll see what I'm worried about." Makes sense to me. Not the most direct way, but I wouldn't call it rude necessarily.

That being said, I thought the OP's follow-up info was more worrisome and her response THERE was a bit rude.

Edited June 29, 2015 by usmsbow

[AC1022 27]

This is what I don't understand about Philippines culture: why does the girl's husband have to support her family in someway? Does it apply to everyone or the 'must be rich' Americans ? Does a son have to support his family and also contribute to his wife's family regardless there in Philippines? Why can't the parents support themselves given they have been able to raise the kids til they are ready to get married? Or must marital happiness have to tie with financial contribution? To me it sounds more like girls are just looking for someone to reply on once they leave the parental nest (only if the girl doesn't work and asks for money otherwise my assumption does not apply so please don't get offended).