I am deeply hurt :((

[Eric-Pris 1,602]

It will only get worse when she gets here. She is completely immature. She doesn't understand the value of money, having a job, etc. She wants what she wants and when she wants it. She expects you to drop what you are doing and oblige.

This girl will just get more possessive, controlling, jealous, etc when she gets here. You need to talk with her.

Is she young?

What country is she from?

[Villanelle 4,121]

Well, I see some really good ideas here- IMO things that would work but you wouldnt know why-

and then I see some horrible ideas, things that if you did would cause a crash and burn and again you wouldnt know why.

Everyone expresses and receives love differently, so asking for advice in this regard can really be a hit or miss. If you happen to get a person who has the same type as you (or your wife) then bingo! they will prescribe what you need. Otherwise- its a complete miss. Its like when you read a list of 100 ways to be romantic. Only a dozen or so seem feasible for you. The rest youre like um really? I dont think so. Someone else reads the list and picks a completely different different dozen as feasible and appealing.

There are 5 basic love languages people use. Thats it. Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

Rarely do you end up having the same one as your spouse. Like in life most people have a strong primary language, and then can speak a second language and sometimes a third.

Your wife from everything you described speaks primarily in Gifts.

Gifts is not what it appears to be on the surface- materialistic. A huge part of gifts can be the greatest gift of all- the gift of you. This is extremely prevalent and more pronounced in high stress situations- like the visa process or on significant days, like anniversaries. It doesnt make her selfish or needy or immature. Its just making her feel insecure and unloved.

Here is some general info on gifts:

A gift may be something that you can hold in your hand and say: 'Look, she thought of me "or" He did not forget me." You can think of someone and offer them a gift. The gift itself is an expression of that thought. It does not matter whether it costs money or not. What matters is that you have thought of them. And the thought was not only in your mind, but it was expressed through a gift, which is an expression of love, especially if you give it to the people whose love language is receiving gifts.

Gifts are visual symbols of love. They are more important to some than to others. That's why people have different reactions when they receive them. If receiving gifts is my primary love language, it means that this is something important to me and I am impressed with the gifts that I receive from the being that I love. I will consider the gifts as expressions of their love. Since this is my love language, this is what makes me feel loved and without gifts as visual symbols I can doubt their love.

Gifts can be of any size, colour and shape, can be very expensive or for free. But those for whom the main love language is receiving gifts will appreciate its price only if it is above the person’s possibilities. If a millionaire always offers the cheapest gifts to his beloved, she can doubt that this is an expression of love. But when finances are limited, no matter how cheap a gift is, it can mean a love which worth millions.

Receiving gifts is one of the easiest love languages, so this is why it is very easy to learn. If receiving gifts is for the being you love the main love language, you can quickly become an expert in the art of giving. Gifts can be bought, found or made. They do not necessarily have to be expensive. The lover who stops on the way and picks some wild flowers for his beloved, expresses in this way his love for her (provided she is not allergic to pollen).

But what happens to those who say they do not know how to offer gifts, those who have not received many gifts in their lives, not even in their childhood, and they find it difficult to offer gifts? Receiving gifts is the easiest love language to learn. And even if you did not know it before, or you found it hard to offer gifts, if you discovered that the love language of your beloved is to receive gifts, you will certainly have the motivation to become an expert in offering gifts.

For the beginning make a list of all the gifts that your lover has enjoyed very much over the years. This list may include the gifts that you offered them and even gifts they received from other people and you know they liked very much. This will help you to get an idea of what kind of gifts they like. If you do not know how to choose gifts that they like, ask your friends, family members or people who know them and who can help you. Meanwhile, choose gifts that are easy to buy, to find or to make and offer them to them. If receiving gifts is the main love language of the being that you love, then almost anything you give them will be perceived as an expression of your love to them. (But if until now they have seemed unhappy with the gifts that you have offered and they haven’t liked almost anything, it is likely that this is not their main language.)

Gifts and the financial aspect

Each of us evaluates money differently, experiencing different sensations on spending it. Some have the tendency to easily spend it, they feel good when they spend it, and others prefer to save it or to invest it. They feel good when they save money or they wisely invest it. If you want to become very skilled at offering gifts you must evaluate your attitude towards money and to amend it, if necessary. If you are a money spender, you will find it easy to buy gifts for the being you love. But if you're a money saver, you will have a resistance to spending money as a proof of love.

Saving and investing in life, you buy tomorrow's security. You take care of your emotional needs by the way you handle money, but this way will not satisfy the needs of your lover, if their love language is receiving gifts. If you discover that this is their love language, then maybe you will understand that the purchase of these gifts is the best "investment" that you can do. You invest in the love relationship you have and you fill in, in this way, the love tank of your lover. And when this is full, you will receive in return the same love, in your love language. When both emotional needs are met, your love relationship will take a totally new dimension. Do not worry about your savings, you will remain a money saver, but investing in the love for your beloved is like investing in some safe shares.

Self-giving

There is also another kind of gift that we can offer to our lover, which is not attainable, but which is a much more valuable expression of our love than any other gift that can be bought, made or found. This is the gift of your own presence or self-giving. To be present when your beloved needs you is very important, especially to those whose love language is receiving gifts. Physical presence in difficult or delicate moments is the most important gift that you can offer to your lover, when their love language is receiving gifts. Then your body becomes the expression of your love. If you remove this symbol, the feeling of love disappears, it evaporates.

If the physical presence of your beloved is important to you, it is recommended to openly communicate this to them. Do not expect them to read your thoughts. Many people do not communicate their wishes, but they expect their lover to predict them. This can happen sometimes, due to the state of empathy which is awakened between the two lovers, when they love each other very much and they have a harmonious relationship. But it is much better and wiser of you, instead of expecting your lover to guess your wishes - and then, if this is not happening, to be frustrated and disappointed - to communicate what you want from your lover, in a harmonious and loving way. In this way you will give them the opportunity to fulfil your wishes and make you happy.

If your lover says, for example, "I would so much want to be together tonight," take this wish very seriously, as from your point of view this might not be very important, but if you do not have any reaction to this wish of theirs, you can send a message that can be misinterpreted. Most of the times, for people whose love language is receiving gifts, this will be translated as lack of love.

A special gift that we can offer to our beloved when we are not next to them is to send them our thoughts of love and everything beautiful that we feel for them, even when we are away. Our subtle presence manifested in this way can make our beloved feel surrounded by our love, even when we are not next to them. This can often be an overwhelming feeling, full of flavour, also being an extraordinary beautiful gift that we can offer anytime.

Love is always based on generosity. All the five love languages urge us to offer something to the one we love. For some (whose love language is receiving gifts) gifts - visual symbols of love - are the most convincing. They don’t have to expect to be expensive or offered weekly, and for some they have nothing to do with their financial value, but only with affective value.

The greatest happiness is to make your lover happy. The essential key for this is to understand which their love language is and to express your love in their language. In this way they will always feel loved and fulfilled, thus enabling them to love and to offer more in return, which will bring more and more love and happiness into your relationship.

Here is a post from another forum explaining the 5 languages in basic detail

http://personalitycafe.com/articles/112444-five-love-languages-explained.html

Perhaps share both of this with your wife and see what her take on it is? What she thinks her language is and yours is and how you can both get your needs met. Losing that job is NOT I repeat NOT a good idea for your (both of your) future. I honestly do not believe she wants that. She just wants to feel your love and its hard when thats how she feels its best, when you are present.

[Darnell 8,478]

What makes you say women in Armenia has the exact same issue ?

mmmm - yer timeline ! I assume she's not from Armenia, so it was really a dig for you to actually study and update yer timeline..

http://www.visajourney.com/timeline/profile.php?id=192061 <click here - study !

[marriedguy 34]

She is young, she is from Eastern Europe.

She is immature. and does not understand the value of money for sure. Today she says, she does not want to live here, and wants me to live there with her, in her country o.O

I want to see how long this will go like this. I have only little patience.

It will only get worse when she gets here. She is completely immature. She doesn't understand the value of money, having a job, etc. She wants what she wants and when she wants it. She expects you to drop what you are doing and oblige.

This girl will just get more possessive, controlling, jealous, etc when she gets here. You need to talk with her.

Is she young?

What country is she from?

[marriedguy 34]

Thanks for your advice, she cannot come here, as it is hard to get a visa.

I'm sorry your wife is giving you such a hard time. This visa process is stressful and as a military wife who has been through countless separations from my husband, being apart is never easy.
But sometimes you just have to go through those times and look at the bright side of things.
In your case: By the time she has her visa and come to live with you permanently, you will be well into, if not past your "probation period" and soon, if not already, be able to take some time off for her which will be important to help her settle in- as opposed to be with her now but then be working your butt off once you both get back to the U.S. so, it's in her best interest as well that you don't quit your new job, financial benefits aside.
I'd make sure to always let her know that this is not a situation you like, but that it's important to stick it out right now and that things will be alright.
On another note...would it be possible for her to come to the U.S. for a visit? What country is she from? A friend of mine from Germany has been traveling several times back and forth until her Interview was scheduled but I am aware that she was lucky that she never had problems doing that. (She did always have prove of ties to Germany, lease, job,...). I'm just saying this could potentially be an option.
Good luck, I hope she grows to be more understanding and supporting.

[marriedguy 34]

She is in Eastern Europe, I live in Seattle, so it's a long flight, if I fly via JFK, flight from here to JFK is almost 8 hours, I have to catch 7 flights including all the stops

I think its well said and it should be keeping in great consideration especially when your whole life is on the line. I know almost everyone is talking about her love and caring for you...and blaming distance and separation for such a behavior of her...and suggesting you to try to understand her and be gentle with her in talking out with her, BUT I think not many folks are talking here about her being totally selfish and a person of lacking understanding. People should not bring emotional and other excuses when it comes to practicality especially when you are married. I mean people need to be a bit mature after the marriage, and they can not behave so immaturely, selfish and unreasonable like some of them might be before the marriage. Marriage is about being growing up too.

I know almost all have given you suggestions, including myself, about you being gentle with her and try to understand from her point of views, but not many said that about her should be thinking from your end especially when you are also a party to the marriage, and every marriage is always 50-50. And over here, you are doing all this for her too, and not just for yourself. And in my opinion, like two more other posters, its not just a separation...or her missing you...her being emotional...the distance between you guys; rather its about being practical, understanding, compromising and not being selfish, which she would always be needing while she be married to you. And if she ever fails to show all this, then you will be again on this spot where you are in. So, I seriously think that you need to think hard enough given her behavior, especially when this you will be dealing over and over again in the future, not for immigration point of view but for some other reasons at that time.

My wife is VERY emotional too...She cries all the times for not being able to be with me...She talks at least 12 hours a day with me...Though it might sound funny and strange but she keeps looking at my pics all the times and thinking of me makes her not to sleep at night at least 4 times a week...to which I feel so bad...Yet still she was the one who had pushed me to come back to US because she didn't want me to suffer hardship of staying at her place for many reasons especially weather and how things are there. She knows that I'm used to better life and since she cares me so much then she pushes me hard to come here than being selfish in asking to staying with her over there. And God's sake she is only 18 and a very naive and cute person, who is living alone in a men-dominated country...away from her whole family there...just by herself...and counting each day when she would be together with me. I honestly never met anyone in my life so understandable and caring person even though many ladies I have had dated in my life....She is showing more maturity than much older folks in her situation.

By the way, you said that she is in Europe but you also said that it takes 24 hours to go there, then I wonder how come...because it doesn't take that long to go to Europe. Also, if she is European then she might be able to come here to visit with you without a visa since nationals of 98% of European countries don't need visa to visit here in the US unless she is from Eastern Europe. Anyway, to me-It's about her selfishness, lack of understanding, and her not being able to compromise and her lacking practicality verse you dealing with all these traits of her for your entire future life. Thus, you need to see it in a broader picture here to evaluate whether you could be able to deal like this from her in the future too, regarding any other matters including children and many more. Good luck.

[D.Ba 85]

It is incredibly tough to leave your country. All the beneficiaries here know that and I maintain all the USCs cannot imagine if they haven't done it themselves.

I tend to believe it's tough for me because I am NOT very young, have a very well-paying and responsible job with so many benefits that will be impossible to find in the US and had a career and a life here. But it might be tough on other people for other reasons - because they are very attached to their family or don't speak English very well.

The fiercest discussion we ever had were about "I don't want to live in your awful country, why can't you come and live in my wonderful country". USCs, let yourselves be told - the US is not everybody's dream country where milk and honey flow. For Europeans, I can understand anybody who sees no advantage in living in the US.

marriedguy, please ask yourself for a moment - why do you really want HER to move? Would it REALLY be impossible for you to make a living in Eastern Europe? If it is unreasonable for her to ask you to move, why is it reasonable to expect her to move? I'm provoking on purpose, you expect her to give up everything, would YOU be willing to give up your country, native language, family, etc. etc.? Isn't it comfortable to stay in one's own surroundings and let the other party deal with the hardships? Aren't you being selfish here as well? You don't speak the Eastern European language? Well, she had to learn English. Living standard? Not sure you couldn't make a better living there where it's less costly.

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

It is incredibly tough to leave your country. All the beneficiaries here know that and I maintain all the USCs cannot imagine if they haven't done it themselves.

I tend to believe it's tough for me because I am NOT very young, have a very well-paying and responsible job with so many benefits that will be impossible to find in the US and had a career and a life here. But it might be tough on other people for other reasons - because they are very attached to their family or don't speak English very well.

The fiercest discussion we ever had were about "I don't want to live in your awful country, why can't you come and live in my wonderful country". USCs, let yourselves be told - the US is not everybody's dream country where milk and honey flow. For Europeans, I can understand anybody who sees no advantage in living in the US.

marriedguy, please ask yourself for a moment - why do you really want HER to move? Would it REALLY be impossible for you to make a living in Eastern Europe? If it is unreasonable for her to ask you to move, why is it reasonable to expect her to move? I'm provoking on purpose, you expect her to give up everything, would YOU be willing to give up your country, native language, family, etc. etc.? Isn't it comfortable to stay in one's own surroundings and let the other party deal with the hardships? Aren't you being selfish here as well? You don't speak the Eastern European language? Well, she had to learn English. Living standard? Not sure you couldn't make a better living there where it's less costly.

I believe communication about who moves where is to be discussed at the very beginning of a relationship and not 5 minutes before the

interview. Time and resources have been implemented for her to move here.

Apparently the OP had this discussion and she agreed and now changed her mind and that was not the deal.

The way I understand it is that she wants him to move there UNTIL she is approved and then move, however if he is jobless he can not provide for her

which will bring on further displeasure to her to complain about in the very near future.

I understand the move, as an immigrant myself and as a petitioner and have been on both sides of the fence.

One has to stick to a plan and not change on a whim unless finances aren't an issue in my opinion.

[TabeaK 516]

It is incredibly tough to leave your country. All the beneficiaries here know that and I maintain all the USCs cannot imagine if they haven't done it themselves.

I tend to believe it's tough for me because I am NOT very young, have a very well-paying and responsible job with so many benefits that will be impossible to find in the US and had a career and a life here. But it might be tough on other people for other reasons - because they are very attached to their family or don't speak English very well.

The fiercest discussion we ever had were about "I don't want to live in your awful country, why can't you come and live in my wonderful country". USCs, let yourselves be told - the US is not everybody's dream country where milk and honey flow. For Europeans, I can understand anybody who sees no advantage in living in the US.

marriedguy, please ask yourself for a moment - why do you really want HER to move? Would it REALLY be impossible for you to make a living in Eastern Europe? If it is unreasonable for her to ask you to move, why is it reasonable to expect her to move? I'm provoking on purpose, you expect her to give up everything, would YOU be willing to give up your country, native language, family, etc. etc.? Isn't it comfortable to stay in one's own surroundings and let the other party deal with the hardships? Aren't you being selfish here as well? You don't speak the Eastern European language? Well, she had to learn English. Living standard? Not sure you couldn't make a better living there where it's less costly.

This, so many times! I never wanted to move to the US. Europe is fantastic. Great job, great life, safety, liberalism, my family...then I go fall in love with an American guy. And guess what? He doesn't speak German. Learning it to a proficient degree would take years. Hence he can't get a good job over here in this field for a long time - I don't wanna put that burden on him. I have lived all over Europe and speak multiple languages and have an education that travels well - hopefully. So me and my fiance made the very hard decision that I would make the sacrifices of moving. It's worth it for being with the one you love - BUT, and that is the big BUT based on what I read on here: My fiance understands and values the sacrifices I am making to be with him - he is constantly trying to make it easier for me, make sure I can come visit my family as often as I want, prepare for my arrival to ensure I can get settled and feel at home straight away, always giving me the option to move later/not at all if it should become overwhelming. This is what it should be like - not complaining about the foreign partner showing some nerves or having some second thoughts about leaving their entire life behind!

[ssk2331 13]

OP from your replies it seems as if you're in board with the posts calling your wife immature/needy/etc, and not really to keen on the posts that direct you to step up and make an effort to help your wife out of her rut.

People are giving you "be cautious" advice and you're saying things like "I'll see how long I can stand this"

Just from my observations on this thread, it seems you're not too keen on making major effort or changing how YOU have been dealing with your wife. I think most of us agree your wife is being emotional and it's hard keeping your patience, but I urge you to stay patient and help her understand in a loving way. Don't get caught up in the "she's like this now, what will she be like when she's here" and the "dragging me down" type mindset. It will hurt your relationship. If it's hard on you, then it's hard for her too...but if she's the one that's down, then you should be willing to step in and be the responsible one.

Everyone has their bad days, weeks, months and so on. Marriage isn't always perfect and people have flaws...no one person can always be perfect and always be reasonable and always be exactly as you wish them to be. But one hopes their partner is willing to help and stand with them even through the flaws and unreasonable moments.

[Shauna&Wael 211]

This, so many times! I never wanted to move to the US. Europe is fantastic. Great job, great life, safety, liberalism, my family...then I go fall in love with an American guy. And guess what? He doesn't speak German. Learning it to a proficient degree would take years. Hence he can't get a good job over here in this field for a long time - I don't wanna put that burden on him. I have lived all over Europe and speak multiple languages and have an education that travels well - hopefully. So me and my fiance made the very hard decision that I would make the sacrifices of moving. It's worth it for being with the one you love - BUT, and that is the big BUT based on what I read on here: My fiance understands and values the sacrifices I am making to be with him - he is constantly trying to make it easier for me, make sure I can come visit my family as often as I want, prepare for my arrival to ensure I can get settled and feel at home straight away, always giving me the option to move later/not at all if it should become overwhelming. This is what it should be like - not complaining about the foreign partner showing some nerves or having some second thoughts about leaving their entire life behind!

This is about so much more than his wife "showing some nerves" or "having second thoughts about leaving her life behind". She's asking him to drop everything and go live there (it seems permanently). The OP has already stated himself that his wife is young and immature. Are you suggesting he drop everything and cater to this girl's every whim? You're suggesting he's the problem when he found an amazing job which could change their life for the better in a huge way. Two others in the thread have stated with this SPECIFIC job, he's very much not wanted to take vacation early on. They need to have a serious discussion about what BOTH of them want.

[marriedguy 34]

She constantly changes her mind, now she says she wants me to live there. I cannot provide for her in her country, may be work there as a Vegetable vendor pushing a cart, God gave me a mind to use my skills, my skills wont be of much help in that part of the world.

I want to stick to a plan as you said, and not change on a whim.

I believe communication about who moves where is to be discussed at the very beginning of a relationship and not 5 minutes before the

interview. Time and resources have been implemented for her to move here.

Apparently the OP had this discussion and she agreed and now changed her mind and that was not the deal.

The way I understand it is that she wants him to move there UNTIL she is approved and then move, however if he is jobless he can not provide for her

which will bring on further displeasure to her to complain about in the very near future.

I understand the move, as an immigrant myself and as a petitioner and have been on both sides of the fence.

One has to stick to a plan and not change on a whim unless finances aren't an issue in my opinion.

[marriedguy 34]

My wife says the same, and we had big fights about this.

"I don't want to live in your awful country, why can't you come and live in my country"

"marriedguy, please ask yourself for a moment - why do you really want HER to move? Would it REALLY be impossible for you to make a living in Eastern Europe? If it is unreasonable for her to ask you to move, why is it reasonable to expect her to move? I'm provoking on purpose, you expect her to give up everything, would YOU be willing to give up your country, native language, family, etc. etc.? Isn't it comfortable to stay in one's own surroundings and let the other party deal with the hardships? Aren't you being selfish here as well? You don't speak the Eastern European language? Well, she had to learn English. Living standard? Not sure you couldn't make a better living there where it's less costly."

I want to live in her country, not now few years from now. I cannot find a job there, people do not speak English there, like in other Europen Countries. I cannot find the kind of work i need. I can make probably $100 in a month doing odd jobs, and that is if i get it. I can make that same amount in one hour working here. My wife does not understand, we just had another argument about this right now, and it is making me insane.

I can work here 2 years and save enough money to live there for 10 years. I try telling her she does not understand, she wants things now. she does not think of the future. she says what if one of us dies, what happens to all this plans, I tell her we cannot think like this and live this life.

If I was living in Germany or England or other Western European Countries, yes i would have had no problem moving there. I know i can find a job there in my field easily.

As a husband i want to take care of my wife, and Finances does play a role, she does not work.

America might not be the place of Milk and Honey, but from other countries i seen, it is still the best, depends on where some one lives and the money they make.

Every country has its good and bad.

I am not young to take a risk, I am in my 30's and do not want to take a risk moving to another country. When i can probably work another 10 years, and retire in another country.

Marriage involves working together. Not pulling other person down.

It is incredibly tough to leave your country. All the beneficiaries here know that and I maintain all the USCs cannot imagine if they haven't done it themselves.

I tend to believe it's tough for me because I am NOT very young, have a very well-paying and responsible job with so many benefits that will be impossible to find in the US and had a career and a life here. But it might be tough on other people for other reasons - because they are very attached to their family or don't speak English very well.

The fiercest discussion we ever had were about "I don't want to live in your awful country, why can't you come and live in my wonderful country". USCs, let yourselves be told - the US is not everybody's dream country where milk and honey flow. For Europeans, I can understand anybody who sees no advantage in living in the US.

marriedguy, please ask yourself for a moment - why do you really want HER to move? Would it REALLY be impossible for you to make a living in Eastern Europe? If it is unreasonable for her to ask you to move, why is it reasonable to expect her to move? I'm provoking on purpose, you expect her to give up everything, would YOU be willing to give up your country, native language, family, etc. etc.? Isn't it comfortable to stay in one's own surroundings and let the other party deal with the hardships? Aren't you being selfish here as well? You don't speak the Eastern European language? Well, she had to learn English. Living standard? Not sure you couldn't make a better living there where it's less costly.

I try my best to support her, but every day we argue about same issues, even though i tell her the reason.

OP from your replies it seems as if you're in board with the posts calling your wife immature/needy/etc, and not really to keen on the posts that direct you to step up and make an effort to help your wife out of her rut.

People are giving you "be cautious" advice and you're saying things like "I'll see how long I can stand this"

Just from my observations on this thread, it seems you're not too keen on making major effort or changing how YOU have been dealing with your wife. I think most of us agree your wife is being emotional and it's hard keeping your patience, but I urge you to stay patient and help her understand in a loving way. Don't get caught up in the "she's like this now, what will she be like when she's here" and the "dragging me down" type mindset. It will hurt your relationship. If it's hard on you, then it's hard for her too...but if she's the one that's down, then you should be willing to step in and be the responsible one.

Everyone has their bad days, weeks, months and so on. Marriage isn't always perfect and people have flaws...no one person can always be perfect and always be reasonable and always be exactly as you wish them to be. But one hopes their partner is willing to help and stand with them even through the flaws and unreasonable moments.

[marriedguy 34]

That's exactly my situation, falling in love, no one can control it.

The main problem is the distance between us and not able to see each other when we want, I wish i lived some where in Europe so I have to fly only 3 hours, but 18 to 24 hours, that is too much.

I even thought about finding a job some where in Europe, but realized i might be burning too much money, and time for all the process there to get a job, when I can utilize that time to finish her paperwork to bring here here.

This, so many times! I never wanted to move to the US. Europe is fantastic. Great job, great life, safety, liberalism, my family...then I go fall in love with an American guy. And guess what? He doesn't speak German. Learning it to a proficient degree would take years. Hence he can't get a good job over here in this field for a long time - I don't wanna put that burden on him. I have lived all over Europe and speak multiple languages and have an education that travels well - hopefully. So me and my fiance made the very hard decision that I would make the sacrifices of moving. It's worth it for being with the one you love - BUT, and that is the big BUT based on what I read on here: My fiance understands and values the sacrifices I am making to be with him - he is constantly trying to make it easier for me, make sure I can come visit my family as often as I want, prepare for my arrival to ensure I can get settled and feel at home straight away, always giving me the option to move later/not at all if it should become overwhelming. This is what it should be like - not complaining about the foreign partner showing some nerves or having some second thoughts about leaving their entire life behind!

[TabeaK 516]

My wife says the same, and we had big fights about this.

"I don't want to live in your awful country, why can't you come and live in my country"

"marriedguy, please ask yourself for a moment - why do you really want HER to move? Would it REALLY be impossible for you to make a living in Eastern Europe? If it is unreasonable for her to ask you to move, why is it reasonable to expect her to move? I'm provoking on purpose, you expect her to give up everything, would YOU be willing to give up your country, native language, family, etc. etc.? Isn't it comfortable to stay in one's own surroundings and let the other party deal with the hardships? Aren't you being selfish here as well? You don't speak the Eastern European language? Well, she had to learn English. Living standard? Not sure you couldn't make a better living there where it's less costly."

I want to live in her country, not now few years from now. I cannot find a job there, people do not speak English there, like in other Europen Countries. I cannot find the kind of work i need. I can make probably $100 in a month doing odd jobs, and that is if i get it. I can make that same amount in one hour working here. My wife does not understand, we just had another argument about this right now, and it is making me insane.

Well duh! Of course people speak the local language - you can't very well assume everyone speaks English there. If I was mean I'd make an off-handed remark about American stereotypes... How about starting to learn the local language?

Other than that - hyperbole? Which country are we talking about? Part of EU? I would argue that you can make a living in any European country - you obviously have to adapt to the local circumstances. Is your wife working? Could she support you while you learn the language and get established? Edit, just so saw she isn't working - how does she support herself? Could she find a job to start supporting you?

You are gonna have to make some choices - I suggest by beginning to understand what the underlying issues are. You need to start acknowledging that it is a huge deal for the beneficiary to leave their home, culture and support network behind and find out why your wife is having her fears. Calling her immature won't help. You both need to agree on where to live otherwise the relationship is doomed anyway.

You say you could find work in the UK, Germany etc - why not propose moving there together? Depending on which country she is from she has freedom of movement and to settle in any EU country, which also allows her to bring a non-EU husband along.

PS: The finishing of paperwork is completely irrelevant when your wife will be miserable stateside. You have bigger fish to fry...

Edited May 31, 2015 by TabeaK