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Mr. Big Dog

Masturbation will make your hands pregnant in the afterlife, televangelist warns

By Mr. Big Dog in Current Events and Hot Social Topics

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Mr. Big Dog Grand Master

Mr. Big Dog   10,747

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Filed: Timeline
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:rofl:

Masturbation will make your hands pregnant in the afterlife, televangelist warns

A Muslim televangelist has given a stark, Cronenbergian warning to the world's masturbators, claiming during a live TV interview that their hands will become pregnant in the afterlife.

Mucahid Cihad Han made the comment after a questioner confessed that he "kept masturbating even though he was married".

Han, who has over 12,500 followers on Twitter, urged him to "resist Satan’s temptations", adding: "Moreover, one hadith states that those who have sexual intercourse with their hands will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife, complaining against them to God over its rights."

"If our viewer was single, I could recommend he marry, but what can I say now?"

He didn't specify whether this means that your hands would have babies, or lots of tiny little other hands.

Han was mocked on Turkish social media following the broadcast on May 25, after newspapers published his latest television 'fatwa.'

"Are there any hand-gynaecologists in the afterlife? Is abortion allowed there?" one Twitter user asked.

"So you think that being pregnant is a God-given punishment?" another user added.

'Istimna,' the Arabic term for masturbation, is a controversial issue in Islam and there are questions over whether it is permissible given that it is not clearly referenced in The Quran.

In a similarly baffling claim, an Iranian cleric earlier this month said that earthquakes are caused by promiscuous women.

5976648-Hand-with-little-hands-on-finger

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TBoneTX Grand Master

TBoneTX   43,057

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Ecuador
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No mention of Jergen's...

06-04-2007 = TSC stamps postal return-receipt for I-129f.

06-11-2007 = NOA1 date (unknown to me).

07-20-2007 = Phoned Immigration Officer; got WAC#; where's NOA1?

09-25-2007 = Touch (first-ever).

09-28-2007 = NOA1, 23 days after their 45-day promise to send it (grrrr).

10-20 & 11-14-2007 = Phoned ImmOffs; "still pending."

12-11-2007 = 180 days; file is "between workstations, may be early Jan."; touches 12/11 & 12/12.

12-18-2007 = Call; file is with Division 9 ofcr. (bckgrnd check); e-prompt to shake it; touch.

12-19-2007 = NOA2 by e-mail & web, dated 12-18-07 (187 days; 201 per VJ); in mail 12/24/07.

01-09-2008 = File from USCIS to NVC, 1-4-08; NVC creates file, 1/15/08; to consulate 1/16/08.

01-23-2008 = Consulate gets file; outdated Packet 4 mailed to fiancee 1/27/08; rec'd 3/3/08.

04-29-2008 = Fiancee's 4-min. consular interview, 8:30 a.m.; much evidence brought but not allowed to be presented (consul: "More proof! Second interview! Bring your fiance!").

05-05-2008 = Infuriating $12 call to non-English-speaking consulate appointment-setter.

05-06-2008 = Better $12 call to English-speaker; "joint" interview date 6/30/08 (my selection).

06-30-2008 = Stokes Interrogations w/Ecuadorian (not USC); "wait 2 weeks; we'll mail her."

07-2008 = Daily calls to DOS: "currently processing"; 8/05 = Phoned consulate, got Section Chief; wrote him.

08-07-08 = E-mail from consulate, promising to issue visa "as soon as we get her passport" (on 8/12, per DHL).

08-27-08 = Phoned consulate (they "couldn't find" our file); visa DHL'd 8/28; in hand 9/1; through POE on 10/9 with NO hassles(!).

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Ban Hammer Grand Master

Ban Hammer   12,835

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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Brazil
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No mention of Jergen's...

that will come later

see what i did there? :lol:

Edited by charles!

* ~ * Charles * ~ *
 

I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.

 

USE THE REPORT BUTTON INSTEAD OF MESSAGING A MODERATOR!

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The Nature Boy Grand Master

The Nature Boy   4,224

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Filed: Lift. Cond. (apr) Country: Philippines
 Timeline
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That explains my typing problems

New common Core Math

5 is more than 7

https://scontent-a-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10917266_1033816069978579_2234840674493232699_n.jpg?oh=2b9740840330c21d2d35340338e1171a&oe=553F78BE

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