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Mr. Big Dog

House Republicans Begin the Preemptive Impeachment of Hillary Clinton

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House Republicans Begin the Preemptive Impeachment of Hillary Clinton

WASHINGTON D.C. – Realizing that none of their current crop of presidential candidates stand a chance to win office in 2016, House Republicans have begun the impeachment process for presumptive winner Hillary Clinton.

“There’s a lot of paperwork involved.” says House Speaker John Boehner. “Committees need to be formed, people need to testify, the articles themselves need to be typed like three of four times, and then a vote needs to be sent to Congress.”

When asked how Republicans plan to draw up the articles for someone who has yet to take office, Boehner continued. “It’s easy actually. The articles of impeachment will be drawn up like a Mad-Libs contract. All we have to do is insert nouns, verbs, adjectives, and maybe even some adverbs. Once the language had been agreed upon and the articles of impeachment served we can skip right ahead to her removal from office, a step we failed to get to with her husband.”

The speaker was referring to the impeachment of then President Bill Clinton who was impeached by the House of Representatives for perjury and obstruction of justice in December of 1998, but was acquitted of all charges by the Senate in February of 1999.

“We just got so confused.” says former speaker Newt Gingrich. “We were all set to lynch this guy, and then he hands us a balanced budget and we got greedy.”

When asked if this preemptive impeachment might be a bit hasty, current Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell piped in:

“Oh c’mon. It’s really just a matter of time before she does something stupid and illegal. Already she’s posed a security threat by dumping her text messages into the wrong archives. Sexual misconduct aside, don’t forget there was the Whitewater Scandal, the disastrous attempt to provide illegal universal healthcare . . . not to mention she single handedly killed Kathy Bates.”

Unsure of his Kathy Bates comment, it was later discovered that McConnell was referring to the apparent suicide of Deputy Whitehouse Counsel, Vince Foster in 1993 for which blame was assigned but never proved. The incident was later dramatized in the 1998 movie “Primary Colors” in which Kathy Bates portrayed a ‘Vince Foster’ like character. When told implicitly that actress Kathy Bates was very much alive, McConnell continued:

“I know what I saw . . . Mr. Reporter . . . I know what I saw.”

Edited by Mr. Big Dog

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