Would It Bother You?

[ascertainLovE 165]

You both should go to Financial Peace University. Dave Ramsey.

[janRay 4]

This is just so sad. I am a filipina and I believe my husband is just so lucky for he needs not to marry my family too. My siblings and Mom have their own jobs and we have lived our lives even before knowing my man.

Most of the time, family members of these Filipina really thought that Americans are rich and it's their way to better their lives. If I were you, I will definitely feel the same knowing that you're now married and your family should be the priority this time. For sure, the mom is expecting that her daughter won't hesitate to send her money coz she's already working.

As what others say, it's great to talk about this issue and determine your priorities too. And now that you're married, her money is yours and yours is hers too.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

For me the biggest issue is that she got you nothing - not a homemade gift, not something cheap and well thought out, nothing.

That alone is a big enough issue.

[Avery Cates 1,141]

I married a filipina from Mindanao (I'm 36 and she's going to be 25) and we've been married for almost 15 months now and back in December, we finally got our own apartment. For Christmas, I bought my wife a really nice 17" HP Blu-Ray laptop because I wanted our first Christmas together in our new place to be memorable. My wife didn't end up getting me anything at all, but I did notice she sent her mom over $200. Then she says she is going to make it up to me for my Birthday which was January 14th and sadly, nothing happened and again, I came across something that she sent her mom another $100. She tells me her mom puts guilt trips on her and I really am starting to despise her mother for that. I tell her, I'd rather know about it than find out your sending it behind my back, don't sneak it, but anyway, she still does it. Anytime I try to explain it, she says, 'I worked for it and I should be able to do what I want with my money. But mind you, if I want to buy a 12 pack of beer for the weekend, she says we don't have the money to be doing that, we have alot of bills to pay.

It just really hurts that she doesn't care about my feelings and having not gotten me anything for Christmas or my birthday. I don't even care if she said she's going to take me out to eat but yeah, it's nothing. If you were me, would her NEVER wanting to spend her money on you, but always has plenty to send to her mom? Do you blame me for beginning to despise her mother? Another thing that bugs me is that she uses her credit card to send her mom money, but she acts like it's cause of me she's almost got it maxed out and if I don't give her money, she throws a huge fit that I'm not helping her pay off her credit card. Bottom line, I DO NOT like sneaking around and how she says, its her money, she is the one who worked for it, so she should be able to spend it the way she wants. I really don't know what to say to get my POV understood. As I said, if I try to talk to her and tell her I don't like how she's doing it and would prefer her tell me if she's going to do it, it becomes I am trying to control her...

I'm so confused.... Should I continue letting her treat me like this?

What would you do?

She doesn't respect you.

Her money is hers. Your money is hers.

You're the gravy train.

[Adrian-Gloria 43]

Talk with her

[liampot 3]

Don't get me wrong..did you marry her to spend for you.i dont care if she's sending money to her family as long as she work for it. and giving her a gift is my choice and I'm not expecting anything in return.

but for my wife since she's not working in kuwait I never expect she can give something but I'm surprised every time there is special occasion she got me something. lol she's good in budgeting and she ask me if she can send some amount to send to her mom..and its okay for me. you know why...that is her reward to keep the house clean. I don't treat her as a maid but filipina knows how to take care of a family.

And to you..well ask yourself if you love her or you just marry her to spend money for you lol

[mattawara 19]

I don't know, seems like something that can be easily remedied through a little communication, empathy, and patience.

a) the person in question is 24. I don't know how mature you were at that age, but I was pretty immature - hell I'm 32 and I'm still immature.

b) family pressure can be a hard thing to withstand, and is hard to understand if you do not feel similar pressure from your family.

c) birthday presents? really, you care about birthday presents? if you really care about them then talk, different cultures and all that.

d) resenting and despising your in-laws is not a good place to be, best to be measured here and remember that family is family after all.

[Fan_Dancer 171]

If you had to chose between sending money that your parents need to survive and buying your spouse a fairly useess gift, which one would you chose?

[VOL 425]

If you had to chose between sending money that your parents need to survive and buying your spouse a fairly useess gift, which one would you chose?

I never saw OP post about life or death or her parnents needing it to survive.

On the other hand what about the young girl who leaves the province to go to Manila for work. She works there 6 months or 1 year and then he contact does not get renewed. In the meantime the parents have grown used to the money she is sending home and now the young girl turns to prostitution to send money back home so daddy can sit around and drink RedHorse and go to CockFights and mother takes her money and spends it on clothes........

Edited March 16, 2015 by VOL

[liampot 3]

Talk with her

I agree with you . dragging your problem here is a sign of not respecting your wife. it won't solve specially if you will listen to negative comments about your wife.

[ascertainLovE 165]

If you had to chose between sending money that your parents need to survive and buying your spouse a fairly useess gift, which one would you chose?

It seems like she can't afford to send money when she is broke herself. Did you miss the part which says they are in debt up to their eyeballs?

[rlogan 2,036]

Filipino culture is extended family reciprocity. I help the uncles harvest rice, they help me build the house, etc. When one side does all the giving then it is NOT Filipino culture. It's a perversion of Filipino culture. It turns them into manipulative leeches.

Your wife knows exactly what she is doing: Guilt-tripping you. Forget the Mom. Your wife is the problem. The credit card stunt or borrowing from other people - spending money you don't have behind your back - is called the double bind. You lose no matter what you do when you discover the debt: if you don't pay, you are in trouble. If you pay, she got away with it and that's bad too.

I had no idea how important the double bind was as a general manipulative tactic, but you will see that she makes this play in a lot of other circumstances. The point of the double bind is to wear you down with stress, which is exactly how you feel. This keeps them in the happy, dominant position and you in a weakened state.

A manipulator doesn't express gratitude when you pay the credit card. Expressing gratitude means they owe you. So instead, they actually make you feel bad about it.

The business of not giving gifts and breaking promises: Manipulative people go through what they call the evaluation phase with the target. They try different things to see how you respond. You've put up with her not getting presents, and it made you feel bad so this is a good score for her.

Manipulators don't respect their targets. You are a sucker, and deserve what you get for trusting them. Lying, deceiving: that's what smart people do.

What to do: This type of personality only understands consequences. Talking with them and making agreements - lol. She's already proved that doesn't work. Never lay down consequences you are not willing to follow through with. Personally, I would not have married this person, after making my mistakes earlier in life I did a lot of study on these personality types. They are constantly on the hunt for naiive, gullible, and trusting people... like me! So I suffered from it but learned how they operate and I can spot them now in an instant. One red flag - just one - and I am out of there with my jet boots on.

I would suggest the book "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People." Awesome book. Lists out the above tactics and a lot of others; and how to deal with them.

[liampot 3]

You just heard the one side of the story. let's not judge the other person involve here when she actually doesn't really know that she's been judged , criticized, and so on. If you are giving negative comments against his wife you're making it more complicated.

OP you need to ask her to sit and talk. If she don't listen to you then do the plan B..never allow her to have access with your credit card. but plan A will be better thing for you to do. It's your life. It's your marriage life and it's your wife.

[VOL 425]

Filipino culture is extended family reciprocity. I help the uncles harvest rice, they help me build the house, etc. When one side does all the giving then it is NOT Filipino culture. It's a perversion of Filipino culture. It turns them into manipulative leeches.

Your wife knows exactly what she is doing: Guilt-tripping you. Forget the Mom. Your wife is the problem. The credit card stunt or borrowing from other people - spending money you don't have behind your back - is called the double bind. You lose no matter what you do when you discover the debt: if you don't pay, you are in trouble. If you pay, she got away with it and that's bad too.

I had no idea how important the double bind was as a general manipulative tactic, but you will see that she makes this play in a lot of other circumstances. The point of the double bind is to wear you down with stress, which is exactly how you feel. This keeps them in the happy, dominant position and you in a weakened state.

A manipulator doesn't express gratitude when you pay the credit card. Expressing gratitude means they owe you. So instead, they actually make you feel bad about it.

The business of not giving gifts and breaking promises: Manipulative people go through what they call the evaluation phase with the target. They try different things to see how you respond. You've put up with her not getting presents, and it made you feel bad so this is a good score for her.

Manipulators don't respect their targets. You are a sucker, and deserve what you get for trusting them. Lying, deceiving: that's what smart people do.

What to do: This type of personality only understands consequences. Talking with them and making agreements - lol. She's already proved that doesn't work. Never lay down consequences you are not willing to follow through with. Personally, I would not have married this person, after making my mistakes earlier in life I did a lot of study on these personality types. They are constantly on the hunt for naiive, gullible, and trusting people... like me! So I suffered from it but learned how they operate and I can spot them now in an instant. One red flag - just one - and I am out of there with my jet boots on.

I would suggest the book "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People." Awesome book. Lists out the above tactics and a lot of others; and how to deal with them.

Very Well written. Interersting comment about the double bind, I agree 100%

[Fan_Dancer 171]

It seems like she can't afford to send money when she is broke herself. Did you miss the part which says they are in debt up to their eyeballs?

I read she's been working ever since she got her card, while he's been at home for over 6 months. So it's his fault they are in debt, no? She is suporting her family, and he wants presents when he cannot even support himself?