Husband hates texas

[janet&adonis 57]

My husband has only been in the u.s. A year. He is dominican and racist against haitians. He hates mexicans too. He hates texas because he says its a poor state and is full of mexicans. When i met him i knew the mexican spanish. So now i know more dominican spanish, but everytime i misspeak a word and use the mexican word he gets angry. He said that haitians and mexicans are alike because they both try to cross illegally.

Sometimes he says he wants to live in ny, or nj where the dominicans are. I have a teen in school so i cant just pack up and move. I also own my house and have a really good job. Sometimes he says he wants a divorce because he feels like he is in a prison. And because i mess up and speak mexican spanish he calls me a mexican, or a mexican lover. Then the next day he tells me he loves me and that we will never be divorced because he promised God that it was forever...

He plans on visiting the DR soon, and says he is not coming back.

Im not sure what to do. Im sure he wont go to counseling. He says why tell your problems to someone else? They cant fix them, only you and your spouse can. I just wish he was less racist and less hateful.

[sachin1 42]

Not trying to scare you but,

Classic problem. Be careful and get out if you think it is too much.

When he fights you and shout at you he is sad/mad/crazy. Then he realize that he has not got greencard yet, and needs to stay with you he becomes good.

Wait till he gets permanent GC. Do not move if you have good job here, do not mess up your kids life.

[CowBoE 429]

So...is it correct that

1) you don't like his (racist) character

2) and you are unsure of his commitment to the marriage

3) but you still like him

4) therefore, you are confused???

I would say men in general don't like to ask for help as much as possible...

you know...things like asking for directions, getting counseling, going to doctors, etc.

we are (sometime foolishly) too proud.

That said, I wonder if he's racist comments are really because he has deep rooted racism inside,

or its just due to his stupidity, immaturity, and sloppy big mouth thing...

Even aside from this racist behavior, for him to taunt you with expressions like

"divorce" and "not coming back", etc. just few months into the marriage is really troubling to understand.

Why don't you talk this through deeply with close friends and family members that also had

chance to observe his character and seek opinions.

So far, based on your descriptions, this appears to be a big red flag...

I think you deserve someone with better character and sincerity.

Good luck.

[LORIEandPHIL 123]

Let him go back if he wants to, (though I doubt that he will). If he is that bad now, he will only get worse once he gets his green card. You need to put yourself and your child first, do not move anywhere.

[Sandra G. 5,014]

Prepare yourself because after getting the permanent GC I bet he will leave you. Being racist tells a LOT about someone character.

[ItsGonnaBeWorthIt 191]

My husband has only been in the u.s. A year. He is dominican and racist against haitians. He hates mexicans too. He hates texas because he says its a poor state and is full of mexicans. When i met him i knew the mexican spanish. So now i know more dominican spanish, but everytime i misspeak a word and use the mexican word he gets angry. He said that haitians and mexicans are alike because they both try to cross illegally.

Sometimes he says he wants to live in ny, or nj where the dominicans are. I have a teen in school so i cant just pack up and move. I also own my house and have a really good job. Sometimes he says he wants a divorce because he feels like he is in a prison. And because i mess up and speak mexican spanish he calls me a mexican, or a mexican lover. Then the next day he tells me he loves me and that we will never be divorced because he promised God that it was forever...

He plans on visiting the DR soon, and says he is not coming back.

Im not sure what to do. Im sure he wont go to counseling. He says why tell your problems to someone else? They cant fix them, only you and your spouse can. I just wish he was less racist and less hateful.

you have your own home a great job and a child thats in school. the only issue is him and his racism..which doesn't look like he will change since he wants to move to a place that will boost it even higher. stay put! if he is going to divorce you he will do it where you are, he will do it in nj he will do it in ny. doesn't matter. and if he does leave then you still have everything going for you where you are now. if you move. you will lose everything and possibly him as well? the risk is to high. moving there will be depended of him .and being from new York its super easy to fall into the wrong crowd of Dominicans. this is where you need to lay aside the emotions and do things with wisdom. just sit down and write a list , one side risk and one side opportunities. and I think your answer will soon come to you .. I just cant think of one good opportunity in moving to another place just because his hate for people ior being in a marriage where he threatens to leave with one foot outside the door already .. I know you will do the right thing for you and your child !

good luck!

Edited March 12, 2015 by ItsGonnaBeWorthIt

[janet&adonis 57]

Let him go back if he wants to, (though I doubt that he will). If he is that bad now, he will only get worse once he gets his green card. You need to put yourself and your child first, do not move anywhere.

He is only going back to visit. He has a roundtrip ticket, but he mentions he is just going to stay in the dr

[tonyb919 107]

Let him go back if he wants to, (though I doubt that he will). If he is that bad now, he will only get worse once he gets his green card. You need to put yourself and your child first, do not move anywhere.

He is not going anywhere he will just continue to spit that foul venom out his mouth.

You the OP have to make the decision on how much more of this you can endure and how his behavior influences your child.

Racism is a learned behavior!

[sexymackeral 14]

My husband has only been in the u.s. A year. He is dominican and racist against haitians. He hates mexicans too. He hates texas because he says its a poor state and is full of mexicans. When i met him i knew the mexican spanish. So now i know more dominican spanish, but everytime i misspeak a word and use the mexican word he gets angry. He said that haitians and mexicans are alike because they both try to cross illegally.

Sometimes he says he wants to live in ny, or nj where the dominicans are. I have a teen in school so i cant just pack up and move. I also own my house and have a really good job. Sometimes he says he wants a divorce because he feels like he is in a prison. And because i mess up and speak mexican spanish he calls me a mexican, or a mexican lover. Then the next day he tells me he loves me and that we will never be divorced because he promised God that it was forever...

He plans on visiting the DR soon, and says he is not coming back.

Im not sure what to do. Im sure he wont go to counseling. He says why tell your problems to someone else? They cant fix them, only you and your spouse can. I just wish he was less racist and less hateful.

Sorry to hear this, it must be really hard. Was your husband like this in DR (all the racist stuff and hateful)? I ask because if this is new behavior, or a more intensified version of how he was before perhaps it's an adjustment issue. Initially my husband had a hard time in the US- the snow, improving his english, people who aren't social and just look at their phones etc. He was really dependent on me for a while even on the basics like communicating with doctors. For men from latin/african cultures this kind of complete dependency on a wife can be a very uncomfortable role for them. Sometimes he would argue with me or pick small fights over stupid ####### and it was really just acting out his adjustment issues. Also, life in the US is not the butterflies and rainbows that people imagine. Problems exist everywhere just in different forms. My husband is doing better now- he developed a hobby (kung fu classes) that he does 4x per week. It gives him a social outlet and is something he likes. And after a few heart to hearts about the picking fights and taking things out on me-things are really good and we are building a very strong marriage. Communication and compromise are key and solving problems together.

Does he have any friends in Texas? How is he coping otherwise? Are you having other marital issues? Is he working and does he like his job? Have you had a heart to heart about his calling you names? I know it's not easy to just pick up and move right away. But perhaps if moving is something you are open to in the future- perhaps you can make a plan and then work towards that goal together? Like we will save up X amount of money and move in X months. Or visiting those areas to see if moving is really something that would make him happy and is something you'd be happy with as well before just uprooting your family.

[Boiler 43,401]

Mexican is not a race.

[janet&adonis 57]

Sorry to hear this, it must be really hard. Was your husband like this in DR (all the racist stuff and hateful)? I ask because if this is new behavior, or a more intensified version of how he was before perhaps it's an adjustment issue. Initially my husband had a hard time in the US- the snow, improving his english, people who aren't social and just look at their phones etc. He was really dependent on me for a while even on the basics like communicating with doctors. For men from latin/african cultures this kind of complete dependency on a wife can be a very uncomfortable role for them. Sometimes he would argue with me or pick small fights over stupid ####### and it was really just acting out his adjustment issues. Also, life in the US is not the butterflies and rainbows that people imagine. Problems exist everywhere just in different forms. My husband is doing better now- he developed a hobby (kung fu classes) that he does 4x per week. It gives him a social outlet and is something he likes. And after a few heart to hearts about the picking fights and taking things out on me-things are really good and we are building a very strong marriage. Communication and compromise are key and solving problems together.

Does he have any friends in Texas? How is he coping otherwise? Are you having other marital issues? Is he working and does he like his job? Have you had a heart to heart about his calling you names? I know it's not easy to just pick up and move right away. But perhaps if moving is something you are open to in the future- perhaps you can make a plan and then work towards that goal together? Like we will save up X amount of money and move in X months. Or visiting those areas to see if moving is really something that would make him happy and is something you'd be happy with as well before just uprooting your family.

No he was not like this in the dominican. He has a job as a cook at a mexican restaurant. However he works with a bunch of people from mexico. They depend alot on him. He is the only cook. His boss is the owner but he dont help cook or anything and he knows how to cook. He started being friends with another visa journey member from the dominican that moved to midland, texas. But thats 10 hours from here and they never met in person. He stopped chatting with him by phone. He said there are no dominicans here where we live. Ive tried looking for dominican culture groups in my area but there are none.

It seems the behavior is more intense. He keeps saying that he wants a vacation and a different job. Then he talks about visiting home and then he says that all his family wants is money. They think he is rich, and they dont realize what all he has to do and put up with to earn that money. I think its adjustment issues, but i think its his background too. I dont know how to handle this. We have discussed this over and over. About moving im not ready to give up everything but i would be willing to visit another state with him but i know he wont like it up north because he hates the "cold"

Mexican is not a race.

That is the way he puts it. I know the politically correct term but when he is angry im not going to correct him.

[sexymackeral 14]

No he was not like this in the dominican. He has a job as a cook at a mexican restaurant. However he works with a bunch of people from mexico. They depend alot on him. He is the only cook. His boss is the owner but he dont help cook or anything and he knows how to cook. He started being friends with another visa journey member from the dominican that moved to midland, texas. But thats 10 hours from here and they never met in person. He stopped chatting with him by phone. He said there are no dominicans here where we live. Ive tried looking for dominican culture groups in my area but there are none.

It seems the behavior is more intense. He keeps saying that he wants a vacation and a different job. Then he talks about visiting home and then he says that all his family wants is money. They think he is rich, and they dont realize what all he has to do and put up with to earn that money. I think its adjustment issues, but i think its his background too. I dont know how to handle this. We have discussed this over and over. About moving im not ready to give up everything but i would be willing to visit another state with him but i know he wont like it up north because he hates the "cold"

That is the way he puts it. I know the politically correct term but when he is angry im not going to correct him.

Perhaps he can try to making friends with people who are not Dominican? Are either of you active in church? Could that be a way to make friends for him? Social support aside from a spouse is important. Maybe try to make some changes and see if things get better... changing jobs for one, him making friends etc. I'd be pretty upset by the "D" word threats and name calling, that's incredibly damaging to a marriage. If both of you want to make it work, then I'd take that off the table and agree to not say things like that. He needs to put effort into resolving the issues in order to build a good marriage- it takes two.

If he won't go to a marriage counselor, what about a trusted friend or family member that both you and he feel comfortable with (either in US or DR)? In my husbands culture this is a common way to resolve marital difficulties and if you need outside support it may be more accepted by your husband than going to a US therapist. Frame it to him that it needs to be done and resolving it between yourselves hasn't helped.

My husband gets a lot of pressure from his family back home too. He shields me from a majority of this, but I know it weighs heavily on him. It's just something that he has to learn to deal with. My husbands family thinks as soon as he walked off the plane he's now a rich American! Changing families perceptions of life in america & money is not easily done, so he has to manage their expectations and find a way to deal with money requests. It is not easy by any means.

Edited March 12, 2015 by sexymackeral

[kzielu 1,144]

My husband has only been in the u.s. A year. He is dominican and racist against haitians. He hates mexicans too. He hates texas because he says its a poor state and is full of mexicans. When i met him i knew the mexican spanish. So now i know more dominican spanish, but everytime i misspeak a word and use the mexican word he gets angry. He said that haitians and mexicans are alike because they both try to cross illegally.

Maybe ask him a question why exactly haitians or mexicans are worse than dominicans ?

Sounds like you married a person that has issues and unfortunately it will be extremely difficult to help you... To be blunt - can't help with somebody behaving this way (really restraining myself to use a stronger word here).

[Darnell 8,478]

there's got to be at least 1 church in Houston that focuses on people from the DR.

I suggest you keep digging, looking for it. And then go with him. Why? He'll have a few hours to dig in, there, with the possibility of making new friends from the DR. and new connections also (which are priceless).

How to find the church? Beats me..

[Thomas&Cleofe 358]

My husband has only been in the u.s. A year. He is dominican and racist against haitians. He hates mexicans too. He hates texas because he says its a poor state and is full of mexicans. When i met him i knew the mexican spanish. So now i know more dominican spanish, but everytime i misspeak a word and use the mexican word he gets angry. He said that haitians and mexicans are alike because they both try to cross illegally.

Sometimes he says he wants to live in ny, or nj where the dominicans are. I have a teen in school so i cant just pack up and move. I also own my house and have a really good job. Sometimes he says he wants a divorce because he feels like he is in a prison. And because i mess up and speak mexican spanish he calls me a mexican, or a mexican lover. Then the next day he tells me he loves me and that we will never be divorced because he promised God that it was forever...

He plans on visiting the DR soon, and says he is not coming back.

Im not sure what to do. Im sure he wont go to counseling. He says why tell your problems to someone else? They cant fix them, only you and your spouse can. I just wish he was less racist and less hateful.

Wow...He hates those of culture that conflict with his own......America was the wrong place to come.

He hates poor people also......He will definately hate me then.