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skooter85

Family has "withdrawal" issues

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Hi everyone,

My wife and I got married last summer and we couldn't be happier. We're in the process of getting the AOS done and her work permit just got approved, which is really exciting. My family loves her and I really like who I have met of her family so far. There just seems to be a small issue.

Her mother, who came to visit us last fall and who is a very nice person, has been pressuring us to go out there and visit her in the summer. As we are moving to a bigger place in a week and I am starting a new project at work, the idea of taking a vacation overseas is honestly pretty unrealistic at the moment. Her mother has offered to help with the airfare but I feel that she is still not understanding all the pieces involved in taking an overseas vacation - cost of food, the rest of the airfare, vacation-y stuff while we are there, and taking time off from work. Not to mention we have been working very hard to get my wife more acquainted with the U.S. and becoming integrated, so taking weeks off just to go back to her country seems a little backwards right now, honestly.

We tried explaining this to her mother, who then insisted she would just fly out here again and visit. As the sole provider right now, I have no issue with this, however, since I am the only driver in the family it seems a little unfair to expect me to use my vacation time to drive people around on grand tours of California when I would really like to save up vacation to take smaller, realistic trips with my new wife.

Now her mother has turned to being a little passive aggressive with her (not me, she doesn't know how much of the conversation I know about) saying things like "You don't want to see me", "You don't miss your country", etc etc.

Have any of you encountered this before? What was your way of dealing with it without hurting anyone's feelings too much and not stressing yourselves out?


event.png

2007: Met through online gaming community - talked via IM often

2012-07: Started talking daily on Skype

2012-09-25: Began dating

2012-12-27: She visited me - met face to face in LA.

2013-04-24: I visited her in Sweden

2013-06-12: She flew here and spent the summer with me

2013-07: Began discussing plans for her moving here permanently, filing K-1, etc

2013-12-26: I fly to Sweden again.

2014-1-1: Proposed (officially) on New Years :)

K-1

Service Center : California Service Center
Transferred? No
Consulate : Sweden
I-129F Sent : 2013-12-21
I-129F NOA1 : 2014-01-03
I-129F RFE(s) : NONE
RFE Reply(s) :
I-129F NOA2 : 2014-02-24
NVC Received : 2014-02-27
NVC Left : 2014-03-06
Consulate Received : 2014-03-12
Packet 3 Received : 2014-03-14
Packet 3 Sent : 2014-04-09
Packet 4 Received :
Interview Date : 2014-05-08
Interview Result : APPROVED
Visa Received : 2014-05-12
US Entry : 2014-05-19
Marriage : 2014-07-01
Processing Estimates/Stats : Your I-129f was approved in 52 days from your NOA1 date.

AOS/EAD/AP

CIS Office : Santa Ana CA
Date Filed : 2015-01-02
NOA Date : 2015-01-09
RFE(s) : None so far!
Bio. Appt. : 2015-01-27
EAD & AP Approved: 2015-03-04
Processing Estimates/Stats: Your EAD and AP were approved in 61 days.
EAD & AP Received: 2015-04-29
Green Card Interview: 2015-06-09 APPROVED!

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Is it possible for her to come for a "shorter" vacation time so as to not use up ALL your vacation time for the year?

Yeah, that's a possibility and pretty reasonable. I think the part where I get a little irritated is where I get the feeling she doesn't completely understand that her daughter made the choice to leave and move here. At least, I hope that's not the case.


event.png

2007: Met through online gaming community - talked via IM often

2012-07: Started talking daily on Skype

2012-09-25: Began dating

2012-12-27: She visited me - met face to face in LA.

2013-04-24: I visited her in Sweden

2013-06-12: She flew here and spent the summer with me

2013-07: Began discussing plans for her moving here permanently, filing K-1, etc

2013-12-26: I fly to Sweden again.

2014-1-1: Proposed (officially) on New Years :)

K-1

Service Center : California Service Center
Transferred? No
Consulate : Sweden
I-129F Sent : 2013-12-21
I-129F NOA1 : 2014-01-03
I-129F RFE(s) : NONE
RFE Reply(s) :
I-129F NOA2 : 2014-02-24
NVC Received : 2014-02-27
NVC Left : 2014-03-06
Consulate Received : 2014-03-12
Packet 3 Received : 2014-03-14
Packet 3 Sent : 2014-04-09
Packet 4 Received :
Interview Date : 2014-05-08
Interview Result : APPROVED
Visa Received : 2014-05-12
US Entry : 2014-05-19
Marriage : 2014-07-01
Processing Estimates/Stats : Your I-129f was approved in 52 days from your NOA1 date.

AOS/EAD/AP

CIS Office : Santa Ana CA
Date Filed : 2015-01-02
NOA Date : 2015-01-09
RFE(s) : None so far!
Bio. Appt. : 2015-01-27
EAD & AP Approved: 2015-03-04
Processing Estimates/Stats: Your EAD and AP were approved in 61 days.
EAD & AP Received: 2015-04-29
Green Card Interview: 2015-06-09 APPROVED!

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Just stand by your wife's side, be an open ear, and if need be, tell your MIL to back off. While your wife is the one who should be able to do this, it's possible she doesn't realize her mother is being passive aggressively controlling.

It's hard on my husband because he hasnt visited with his mom in years, but since we met most of our extra money has gone to buying a house, and flying my daughter back and forth from Canada.

Maybe ask your wife what she would like to do, if her mother wasn't bugging her for a visit.


You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.  - Dr. Seuss

 

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Also if they were really close before your wife left, it is possible that her mother is just missing her, like when a kid goes to college. I never had that issue, and still don't. I don't understand women who need to talk to their mothers everyday (or more.) But I know that kind of dependence exists and it's hard for both to let go.


You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.  - Dr. Seuss

 

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Simply, let she come to visit and you can drive them around after your work or on the weekends.

Tell her nicely she is most welcome at anytime to come and your wife should explain to her that you have to work and currently can't afford long vacation.


ROC Timeline

Service Center: California

07/10/17 90 Day Window Opened

08/11/17 I-751 Packet delivered to USCIS

08/15/17 Check Cashed

08/11/17 NO1 Date

08/17/17 NO1 Received

09/11/17 Biometrics Received (notice date 09/02/17)

09/18/17 Biometrics Appointment

08/17/18 2nd extension letter (additonal 6 months)

 

xx/xx/xx Approved

 

NVC
11-04-2014 NVC case received
12-01-2014 case # assigned (27 days)

05-12-2015 Interview / Approved

05-20-2015 Visa received

10-06-2015 Time to kick back and let it fly

 

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Simply, let she come to visit and you can drive them around after your work or on the weekends.

I think that was one of the problems.

Why would he want to work all day and then spend all of his free time driving them around?

OP- you just have to tell your MIL that now is not a good time for a vacation on either side and that you want to plan a nicer vacation for next year so your wife will get to spend time with all of her family and you wouldn't have to worry about money or time off.

I'm afraid you're just going to have to literally be the man of the house and tell her it's your rules.

I know MiLs are very important but if you can't do it then you can't do it.

It's more important now for your wife to learn how to drive which costs money and maybe find a job and find social activities to find friends.


My Name is Daisy, I am British, I say things bluntly and to the point.
London K1, A complete guide -- >http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/474161-london-k1-a-complete-guide/
I am Daisy the Beneficiary, These are my views!
U.K. k1 visa, approved 2014.

NOA1: 20/03/2014

NOA2: 11/04/2014 (22 days)

Interview: 09/07/2014 (111 days)

D.O.E 29/07/2014

Married 29/08/2014

AOS from K1/K3 Guide -->http://www.visajourney.com/content/k1k3aos

AOS/EAD/AP Sent: 12/11/2014

Delivered at Chicago LB:15/11/2014

NOA1 (all 3): 17/11/2014

NOA1 (all 3) hardcopy: 24/11/2014(Notice date 20th)

Bio-metrics App letter: 28/11/2014(Notice date 21st)

Bio-metrics App Cleveland Ohio: 10/12/2014

EAD/AP:Approved/production 31/01/2015(update 2/2/1015) (80 days)

Combo Card: Mailed 5/2/2015

Combo Card: Delivered 6/2/2015AP

NOA: Approval Notice received 7/2/2015

Interview waiver letter: received 23/2/15 dated: 18/2/2015

Green Card: APPROVED 31/07/2015

(Remember, all my dates are British layout.. the proper layout!)

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I think that was one of the problems.

Why would he want to work all day and then spend all of his free time driving them around?

OP- you just have to tell your MIL that now is not a good time for a vacation on either side and that you want to plan a nicer vacation for next year so your wife will get to spend time with all of her family and you wouldn't have to worry about money or time off.

I'm afraid you're just going to have to literally be the man of the house and tell her it's your rules.

I know MiLs are very important but if you can't do it then you can't do it.

It's more important now for your wife to learn how to drive which costs money and maybe find a job and find social activities to find friends.

His rules? lol I think this is something a couple should decide TOGETHER and come to a compromise. I would completely understand if my husband's mom missed him but at the same time his mom isn't passive aggressive but still, that's her mom, she misses her daughter.

Yeah, that's a possibility and pretty reasonable. I think the part where I get a little irritated is where I get the feeling she doesn't completely understand that her daughter made the choice to leave and move here. At least, I hope that's not the case.

Yeah, I understand your frustration. I know some in laws can be difficult. I don't know what that is like anymore because my MIL is amazing, wonderful and I love her so much and we hope to get her here after my husband becomes a citizen :)

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His rules? lol I think this is something a couple should decide TOGETHER and come to a compromise. I would completely understand if my husband's mom missed him but at the same time his mom isn't passive aggressive but still, that's her mom, she misses her daughter.

I said "your rules" not "his rules", I meant them as a couple.

Parents will always miss their children but sometimes it isn't in their best interest to visit sometimes.

It'll be almost two years when I see my mom again and she understands and respects that because we just cannot afford it and my husband only gets one week holiday a year too.

So I completely understand where the OP is coming from.

I wasn't saying it in a horrible way because obviously her mom misses her, but at the end of the day that's life, you can't always do what you want to do.


My Name is Daisy, I am British, I say things bluntly and to the point.
London K1, A complete guide -- >http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/474161-london-k1-a-complete-guide/
I am Daisy the Beneficiary, These are my views!
U.K. k1 visa, approved 2014.

NOA1: 20/03/2014

NOA2: 11/04/2014 (22 days)

Interview: 09/07/2014 (111 days)

D.O.E 29/07/2014

Married 29/08/2014

AOS from K1/K3 Guide -->http://www.visajourney.com/content/k1k3aos

AOS/EAD/AP Sent: 12/11/2014

Delivered at Chicago LB:15/11/2014

NOA1 (all 3): 17/11/2014

NOA1 (all 3) hardcopy: 24/11/2014(Notice date 20th)

Bio-metrics App letter: 28/11/2014(Notice date 21st)

Bio-metrics App Cleveland Ohio: 10/12/2014

EAD/AP:Approved/production 31/01/2015(update 2/2/1015) (80 days)

Combo Card: Mailed 5/2/2015

Combo Card: Delivered 6/2/2015AP

NOA: Approval Notice received 7/2/2015

Interview waiver letter: received 23/2/15 dated: 18/2/2015

Green Card: APPROVED 31/07/2015

(Remember, all my dates are British layout.. the proper layout!)

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I said "your rules" not "his rules", I meant them as a couple.

Parents will always miss their children but sometimes it isn't in their best interest to visit sometimes.

It'll be almost two years when I see my mom again and she understands and respects that because we just cannot afford it and my husband only gets one week holiday a year too.

So I completely understand where the OP is coming from.

I wasn't saying it in a horrible way because obviously her mom misses her, but at the end of the day that's life, you can't always do what you want to do.

Ok gotcha lol I took that completely wrong. Yeah, it is understandable

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Does your MIL not have a driver's license? She can come over, rent a car and the two of them (if your wife doesn't work yet) can do day trips and you can all have some together time in the evening. Or if your wife isn't working yet and her mother is willing to cover the ticket costs, why doesn't your wife take a week - 10 day trip by herself giving you time to work on your new project at work without feeling bad about doing long hours and giving her a chance to visit with family. Assuming your wife is wanting to go.

I understand how important it is for your wife and for you as a couple to have her integrate into her new social surroundings, but that doesn't change the fact, that her home country is her home country and that she has family there and as they say "absence makes the heart grow fonder" so the two of you will enjoy being together even more after her short absence ;)

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Hi everyone,

My wife and I got married last summer and we couldn't be happier. We're in the process of getting the AOS done and her work permit just got approved, which is really exciting. My family loves her and I really like who I have met of her family so far. There just seems to be a small issue.

Her mother, who came to visit us last fall and who is a very nice person, has been pressuring us to go out there and visit her in the summer. As we are moving to a bigger place in a week and I am starting a new project at work, the idea of taking a vacation overseas is honestly pretty unrealistic at the moment. Her mother has offered to help with the airfare but I feel that she is still not understanding all the pieces involved in taking an overseas vacation - cost of food, the rest of the airfare, vacation-y stuff while we are there, and taking time off from work. Not to mention we have been working very hard to get my wife more acquainted with the U.S. and becoming integrated, so taking weeks off just to go back to her country seems a little backwards right now, honestly.

We tried explaining this to her mother, who then insisted she would just fly out here again and visit. As the sole provider right now, I have no issue with this, however, since I am the only driver in the family it seems a little unfair to expect me to use my vacation time to drive people around on grand tours of California when I would really like to save up vacation to take smaller, realistic trips with my new wife.

Now her mother has turned to being a little passive aggressive with her (not me, she doesn't know how much of the conversation I know about) saying things like "You don't want to see me", "You don't miss your country", etc etc.

Have any of you encountered this before? What was your way of dealing with it without hurting anyone's feelings too much and not stressing yourselves out?

LOL...you ain't the first to encounter this. :D

Here is my take...

1) Looks like her mother is having "empty nest withdraw" and is having hard time letting go of her daughter

to live independent life.

2) Many parents (especially mothers understandably so because they bear the child in their womb

and nurture them for many years) always like to butt in too deeply into children's marriage.

And you just have to stand your ground (in a nice way). Your focus is to keep your wife

and yourself happy first...and don't do anything to sacrifice this. More precisely, you guys are

adults now and can make your own decision and stick to it. You can listen to either side of

parents, but you don't have to follow everything they say...you guys decide what's best for you.

3) That said, when you have children that you pour your souls into for many years,

and then suddenly they leave home, you will face the same empty feeling.

So while you don't have to follow their demands, be sympathetic to why they are making such demands...

understand that its a natural parent's feeling...so be kind and gentle in explaining your situation

and do not get upset at them for wanting to spend more time with you guys...even if parent's get upset at you.

4) Alternatively, since you are so busy...if it's possible, let your wife travel back and visit for awhile.

Also, get your wife to drive in US...it'll free you up more in the future.

As for me, I am in exact situation as you...few weeks of visit to China at this time would be too costly and

inconvenient to my current schedule...so we are planning for my wife to visit China by herself later this year,

and for her mother to come visit us...only after my wife proficient at driving a car safely...

which would lead to next year for her mother to visit us.

Edited by DualityOneness

10-04-2013 We met online
11-21-2013 We met in person in Shanghai for 2 weeks

12-13-2013 I-129F packet sent via express

12-19-2013 USCIS NOA #1 (text and email) received

12-24-2013 USCIS assigns Alien Registration Number
12-31-2013 USCIS NOA #1 hard copy received
06-02-2014 USCIS web site shows NOA #2 approval
06-06-2014 USCIS web site shows case sent to NVC

06-xx-2014 Fiancee acquired birth, marriage, and police certificates from local police station (wrong)

06-16-2014 NVC creates case with GUZ### number

06-19-2014 NVC sends case sent to Guangzhou, China
06-24-2014 Received packet 3 express mail from embassy
06-25-2014 Completed DS-160 and paid K1 visa fee

06-26-2014 Mailed packet 3 response back to Embassy

06-26-2014 Requested police certificate from Russian embassy

07-08-2014 Received packet 4 email from Embassy

07-17-2014 Picked up Russian police certificate

07-25-2014 Fiancee medical exam (received MMR & Varicella, but they missed required TD shot)

07-31-2014 Picked up medical exam reports

08-01-2014 Request (correct) birth, marriage, and police certificates from Notarial Service (GongZhengChu)

08-06-2014 Picked up birth, marriage, and police certificates from Notarial Service

08-14-2014 Passed Interview Guangzhou embassy

09-01-2014 Received passport, visa, & sealed envelope

09-13-2014 POE

09-17-2014 Went to CBP office to get (US entry) I-94 updated correctly

09-18-2014 Applied for Social Security Card
09-19-2014 Applied for Marriage License (via online)
09-25-2014 Received Social Security Card
09-30-2014 Picked up Marriage License
10-09-2014 Marriage by Justice of Peace
10-09-2014 Got Certified Marriage Certificate Copies
10-17-2014 Received a letter from SS office that they need the marriage license
10-09-2014 Applied to change the social security card name
10-24-2014 Went back to SS office to provide the marriage certificate documents again!!!
12-09-2014 Submitted AOS, EAD, and AP
12-16-2014 Received 16 emails and 16 text NOA messages
01-05-2015 Received Biometrics appointment letter for (01-12-2015)
01-12-2015 Had Biometrics (fingerprint & picture) - Required Marriage Certificate!!!
02-17-2015 EAD and AP is approved
02-23-2015 Received AP is approval letter
02-25-2015 Received EAD/AP combo card (expires 02/16/2016)
02-27-2015 Applied for SS card name change (they took her SS card)
02-27-2015 Driver's learner permit test was denied since the SS card was given to SS office for name change
03-17-2015 Received SS card with married name
03-17-2015 Started to change all her accounts to married name
03-23-2015 Received potential interview waiver letter
03-27-2015 DMV rejects learner's permit due to "legal status=pending" and vision test failure
04-05-2015 Vision test for learner's permit
04-06-2015 DPS sent us letter that DHS cleared my wife's status to acquire driver's license.
04-10-2015 Passed Driver Learner's Permit
04-22-2015 Received Driver Learner's Permit ID card (expires 02/16/2016)
08-27-2015 Green Card approved
08-31-2015 Received Green Card "Welcome Notice Was Mailed" letter
09-05-2015 Received Green card
10-26-2015 Passed Driver's License Road Test (on 3rd attempt)
11-03-2015 Received Driver's License (expires 02/16/2022)
11-06-2015 Applied to remove conditional work remark on SS card
11-23-2015 Received updated Social Security Card.
- - - - - - - - - - Pending Future Processing - - - - - - - - - -
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You stole a Scando from the tribe and now you are reaping the consequences. This is fairly typical and luckily you haven't seen the worst of it yet. My sister in law went on the warpath against me for us deciding to move to America.

Haha, I laughed out loud at the first line. :) Good way to start the morning.

Makes sense - for a while it was just her and her mother so I can completely understand the empty nest syndrome and all. Good news is that she's made it pretty clear to her mother that it's something that needs to be discussed as a couple and not "shotgunned" just because her mother is having a hard time coping. The passive aggression I think comes from her mother grasping at straws in frustration - thing is, she just saw her in October - we have skype, video messaging, IM, texting, phone, etc. I really just want for my wife to integrate here - driving, getting a job, going to school, all these things comes before the MIL's travel plans in my opinion. Her daughter made a choice and sure, it's between the two of them how they deal with the distance and I can help so much, but the passive aggression is quite frankly ridiculous.

Please don't get me wrong - I adore my MIL - she is a very nice woman and I am fortunate that we get along so well.

Thank you guys so so much for your input - it's really helped put me at ease. :)


event.png

2007: Met through online gaming community - talked via IM often

2012-07: Started talking daily on Skype

2012-09-25: Began dating

2012-12-27: She visited me - met face to face in LA.

2013-04-24: I visited her in Sweden

2013-06-12: She flew here and spent the summer with me

2013-07: Began discussing plans for her moving here permanently, filing K-1, etc

2013-12-26: I fly to Sweden again.

2014-1-1: Proposed (officially) on New Years :)

K-1

Service Center : California Service Center
Transferred? No
Consulate : Sweden
I-129F Sent : 2013-12-21
I-129F NOA1 : 2014-01-03
I-129F RFE(s) : NONE
RFE Reply(s) :
I-129F NOA2 : 2014-02-24
NVC Received : 2014-02-27
NVC Left : 2014-03-06
Consulate Received : 2014-03-12
Packet 3 Received : 2014-03-14
Packet 3 Sent : 2014-04-09
Packet 4 Received :
Interview Date : 2014-05-08
Interview Result : APPROVED
Visa Received : 2014-05-12
US Entry : 2014-05-19
Marriage : 2014-07-01
Processing Estimates/Stats : Your I-129f was approved in 52 days from your NOA1 date.

AOS/EAD/AP

CIS Office : Santa Ana CA
Date Filed : 2015-01-02
NOA Date : 2015-01-09
RFE(s) : None so far!
Bio. Appt. : 2015-01-27
EAD & AP Approved: 2015-03-04
Processing Estimates/Stats: Your EAD and AP were approved in 61 days.
EAD & AP Received: 2015-04-29
Green Card Interview: 2015-06-09 APPROVED!

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OP I hope you find a way to keep everyone happy :) it's friggin hard balancing life in America and keeping your loved ones family happy too!

Always remember there's your vj family too to talk to.


My Name is Daisy, I am British, I say things bluntly and to the point.
London K1, A complete guide -- >http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/474161-london-k1-a-complete-guide/
I am Daisy the Beneficiary, These are my views!
U.K. k1 visa, approved 2014.

NOA1: 20/03/2014

NOA2: 11/04/2014 (22 days)

Interview: 09/07/2014 (111 days)

D.O.E 29/07/2014

Married 29/08/2014

AOS from K1/K3 Guide -->http://www.visajourney.com/content/k1k3aos

AOS/EAD/AP Sent: 12/11/2014

Delivered at Chicago LB:15/11/2014

NOA1 (all 3): 17/11/2014

NOA1 (all 3) hardcopy: 24/11/2014(Notice date 20th)

Bio-metrics App letter: 28/11/2014(Notice date 21st)

Bio-metrics App Cleveland Ohio: 10/12/2014

EAD/AP:Approved/production 31/01/2015(update 2/2/1015) (80 days)

Combo Card: Mailed 5/2/2015

Combo Card: Delivered 6/2/2015AP

NOA: Approval Notice received 7/2/2015

Interview waiver letter: received 23/2/15 dated: 18/2/2015

Green Card: APPROVED 31/07/2015

(Remember, all my dates are British layout.. the proper layout!)

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