Family has "withdrawal" issues

[skooter85 7]

Hi everyone,

My wife and I got married last summer and we couldn't be happier. We're in the process of getting the AOS done and her work permit just got approved, which is really exciting. My family loves her and I really like who I have met of her family so far. There just seems to be a small issue.

Her mother, who came to visit us last fall and who is a very nice person, has been pressuring us to go out there and visit her in the summer. As we are moving to a bigger place in a week and I am starting a new project at work, the idea of taking a vacation overseas is honestly pretty unrealistic at the moment. Her mother has offered to help with the airfare but I feel that she is still not understanding all the pieces involved in taking an overseas vacation - cost of food, the rest of the airfare, vacation-y stuff while we are there, and taking time off from work. Not to mention we have been working very hard to get my wife more acquainted with the U.S. and becoming integrated, so taking weeks off just to go back to her country seems a little backwards right now, honestly.

We tried explaining this to her mother, who then insisted she would just fly out here again and visit. As the sole provider right now, I have no issue with this, however, since I am the only driver in the family it seems a little unfair to expect me to use my vacation time to drive people around on grand tours of California when I would really like to save up vacation to take smaller, realistic trips with my new wife.

Now her mother has turned to being a little passive aggressive with her (not me, she doesn't know how much of the conversation I know about) saying things like "You don't want to see me", "You don't miss your country", etc etc.

Have any of you encountered this before? What was your way of dealing with it without hurting anyone's feelings too much and not stressing yourselves out?

[Karam and Jamie 44]

Is it possible for her to come for a "shorter" vacation time so as to not use up ALL your vacation time for the year?

[skooter85 7]

Is it possible for her to come for a "shorter" vacation time so as to not use up ALL your vacation time for the year?

Yeah, that's a possibility and pretty reasonable. I think the part where I get a little irritated is where I get the feeling she doesn't completely understand that her daughter made the choice to leave and move here. At least, I hope that's not the case.

[NikLR 13,220]

Just stand by your wife's side, be an open ear, and if need be, tell your MIL to back off. While your wife is the one who should be able to do this, it's possible she doesn't realize her mother is being passive aggressively controlling.

It's hard on my husband because he hasnt visited with his mom in years, but since we met most of our extra money has gone to buying a house, and flying my daughter back and forth from Canada.

Maybe ask your wife what she would like to do, if her mother wasn't bugging her for a visit.

[NikLR 13,220]

Also if they were really close before your wife left, it is possible that her mother is just missing her, like when a kid goes to college. I never had that issue, and still don't. I don't understand women who need to talk to their mothers everyday (or more.) But I know that kind of dependence exists and it's hard for both to let go.

[Frips 166]

Simply, let she come to visit and you can drive them around after your work or on the weekends.

Tell her nicely she is most welcome at anytime to come and your wife should explain to her that you have to work and currently can't afford long vacation.

[Cody and Daisy 373]

Simply, let she come to visit and you can drive them around after your work or on the weekends.

I think that was one of the problems.

Why would he want to work all day and then spend all of his free time driving them around?

OP- you just have to tell your MIL that now is not a good time for a vacation on either side and that you want to plan a nicer vacation for next year so your wife will get to spend time with all of her family and you wouldn't have to worry about money or time off.

I'm afraid you're just going to have to literally be the man of the house and tell her it's your rules.

I know MiLs are very important but if you can't do it then you can't do it.

It's more important now for your wife to learn how to drive which costs money and maybe find a job and find social activities to find friends.

[Karam and Jamie 44]

I think that was one of the problems.

Why would he want to work all day and then spend all of his free time driving them around?

OP- you just have to tell your MIL that now is not a good time for a vacation on either side and that you want to plan a nicer vacation for next year so your wife will get to spend time with all of her family and you wouldn't have to worry about money or time off.

I'm afraid you're just going to have to literally be the man of the house and tell her it's your rules.

I know MiLs are very important but if you can't do it then you can't do it.

It's more important now for your wife to learn how to drive which costs money and maybe find a job and find social activities to find friends.

His rules? lol I think this is something a couple should decide TOGETHER and come to a compromise. I would completely understand if my husband's mom missed him but at the same time his mom isn't passive aggressive but still, that's her mom, she misses her daughter.

Yeah, that's a possibility and pretty reasonable. I think the part where I get a little irritated is where I get the feeling she doesn't completely understand that her daughter made the choice to leave and move here. At least, I hope that's not the case.

Yeah, I understand your frustration. I know some in laws can be difficult. I don't know what that is like anymore because my MIL is amazing, wonderful and I love her so much and we hope to get her here after my husband becomes a citizen

[Cody and Daisy 373]

His rules? lol I think this is something a couple should decide TOGETHER and come to a compromise. I would completely understand if my husband's mom missed him but at the same time his mom isn't passive aggressive but still, that's her mom, she misses her daughter.

I said "your rules" not "his rules", I meant them as a couple.

Parents will always miss their children but sometimes it isn't in their best interest to visit sometimes.

It'll be almost two years when I see my mom again and she understands and respects that because we just cannot afford it and my husband only gets one week holiday a year too.

So I completely understand where the OP is coming from.

I wasn't saying it in a horrible way because obviously her mom misses her, but at the end of the day that's life, you can't always do what you want to do.

[Karam and Jamie 44]

I said "your rules" not "his rules", I meant them as a couple.

Parents will always miss their children but sometimes it isn't in their best interest to visit sometimes.

It'll be almost two years when I see my mom again and she understands and respects that because we just cannot afford it and my husband only gets one week holiday a year too.

So I completely understand where the OP is coming from.

I wasn't saying it in a horrible way because obviously her mom misses her, but at the end of the day that's life, you can't always do what you want to do.

Ok gotcha lol I took that completely wrong. Yeah, it is understandable

[N&S 32]

Does your MIL not have a driver's license? She can come over, rent a car and the two of them (if your wife doesn't work yet) can do day trips and you can all have some together time in the evening. Or if your wife isn't working yet and her mother is willing to cover the ticket costs, why doesn't your wife take a week - 10 day trip by herself giving you time to work on your new project at work without feeling bad about doing long hours and giving her a chance to visit with family. Assuming your wife is wanting to go.

I understand how important it is for your wife and for you as a couple to have her integrate into her new social surroundings, but that doesn't change the fact, that her home country is her home country and that she has family there and as they say "absence makes the heart grow fonder" so the two of you will enjoy being together even more after her short absence

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

You stole a Scando from the tribe and now you are reaping the consequences. This is fairly typical and luckily you haven't seen the worst of it yet. My sister in law went on the warpath against me for us deciding to move to America.

I think for them, versus families from some other areas, they really really just can not comprehend why their son/daughter/brother/sister would want to live in America and why they'd want to leave their close family unit. You are sort of up against a national mentality of "But Sweden/Denmark is the best country in the world and America is such a disgusting backwater where people shoot at each other and children starve." To them, even though they won't say it, you are the responsible person for making their precious relative move to a place where they will be exposed to all these ills and in the case of women, seemingly have less social and government support and rights. Obviously this is a huge generalization, but I think it is important to understanding the context because my British relatives are like "Please take me with you to America, don't move back here...." and comparing that to the typical Scandinavian mentality is just not going to work.

My husband is thankfully brutally honest with his family and tells them how long a visit they can come for and that for example, we wouldn't be able to go back and visit this year with everything else going on in our lives. His parents are understanding to a point. They don't really get get that Americans don't have the same vacation time and flexibility or that we tend not to visit our own families very often when it requires a plane trip. When you live in a smaller country, no matter where you move, you are never far enough away to really miss holidays and frequent visits.

As to the car thing, your wife might just have to get a driver's license. We all drive, but I sensed my in-law's hesitation at driving in America, which is understandable to a point but the road rules are really not different. They won't rent a car again when they come and visit this year, but like my mother when she visited us in DK, I suspect we will also have to rent a car when we go (Danish cars are tiny and will not fit our luggage + us), which will of course be prohibitively expensive.

Advice is - your wife needs to be pretty clear with her mother about what is acceptable and is going to work. Keep yourself out of it, lest you become a target.

[CowBoE 429]

Hi everyone,

My wife and I got married last summer and we couldn't be happier. We're in the process of getting the AOS done and her work permit just got approved, which is really exciting. My family loves her and I really like who I have met of her family so far. There just seems to be a small issue.

Her mother, who came to visit us last fall and who is a very nice person, has been pressuring us to go out there and visit her in the summer. As we are moving to a bigger place in a week and I am starting a new project at work, the idea of taking a vacation overseas is honestly pretty unrealistic at the moment. Her mother has offered to help with the airfare but I feel that she is still not understanding all the pieces involved in taking an overseas vacation - cost of food, the rest of the airfare, vacation-y stuff while we are there, and taking time off from work. Not to mention we have been working very hard to get my wife more acquainted with the U.S. and becoming integrated, so taking weeks off just to go back to her country seems a little backwards right now, honestly.

We tried explaining this to her mother, who then insisted she would just fly out here again and visit. As the sole provider right now, I have no issue with this, however, since I am the only driver in the family it seems a little unfair to expect me to use my vacation time to drive people around on grand tours of California when I would really like to save up vacation to take smaller, realistic trips with my new wife.

Now her mother has turned to being a little passive aggressive with her (not me, she doesn't know how much of the conversation I know about) saying things like "You don't want to see me", "You don't miss your country", etc etc.

Have any of you encountered this before? What was your way of dealing with it without hurting anyone's feelings too much and not stressing yourselves out?

LOL...you ain't the first to encounter this.

Here is my take...

1) Looks like her mother is having "empty nest withdraw" and is having hard time letting go of her daughter

to live independent life.

2) Many parents (especially mothers understandably so because they bear the child in their womb

and nurture them for many years) always like to butt in too deeply into children's marriage.

And you just have to stand your ground (in a nice way). Your focus is to keep your wife

and yourself happy first...and don't do anything to sacrifice this. More precisely, you guys are

adults now and can make your own decision and stick to it. You can listen to either side of

parents, but you don't have to follow everything they say...you guys decide what's best for you.

3) That said, when you have children that you pour your souls into for many years,

and then suddenly they leave home, you will face the same empty feeling.

So while you don't have to follow their demands, be sympathetic to why they are making such demands...

understand that its a natural parent's feeling...so be kind and gentle in explaining your situation

and do not get upset at them for wanting to spend more time with you guys...even if parent's get upset at you.

4) Alternatively, since you are so busy...if it's possible, let your wife travel back and visit for awhile.

Also, get your wife to drive in US...it'll free you up more in the future.

As for me, I am in exact situation as you...few weeks of visit to China at this time would be too costly and

inconvenient to my current schedule...so we are planning for my wife to visit China by herself later this year,

and for her mother to come visit us...only after my wife proficient at driving a car safely...

which would lead to next year for her mother to visit us.

Edited March 9, 2015 by DualityOneness

[skooter85 7]

You stole a Scando from the tribe and now you are reaping the consequences. This is fairly typical and luckily you haven't seen the worst of it yet. My sister in law went on the warpath against me for us deciding to move to America.

Haha, I laughed out loud at the first line. Good way to start the morning.

Makes sense - for a while it was just her and her mother so I can completely understand the empty nest syndrome and all. Good news is that she's made it pretty clear to her mother that it's something that needs to be discussed as a couple and not "shotgunned" just because her mother is having a hard time coping. The passive aggression I think comes from her mother grasping at straws in frustration - thing is, she just saw her in October - we have skype, video messaging, IM, texting, phone, etc. I really just want for my wife to integrate here - driving, getting a job, going to school, all these things comes before the MIL's travel plans in my opinion. Her daughter made a choice and sure, it's between the two of them how they deal with the distance and I can help so much, but the passive aggression is quite frankly ridiculous.

Please don't get me wrong - I adore my MIL - she is a very nice woman and I am fortunate that we get along so well.

Thank you guys so so much for your input - it's really helped put me at ease.

[Cody and Daisy 373]

OP I hope you find a way to keep everyone happy it's friggin hard balancing life in America and keeping your loved ones family happy too!

Always remember there's your vj family too to talk to.