Does she still want me??

[tool 3]

this is not true, the beneficiary isn't told of any "hits" on the petitioners security check, you are misinformed

From the NVC Website:

Rights and Protections – Pamphlet

You should read the Rights and Protections pamphlet before your visa interview to learn about your rights in the United States relating to domestic violence, sexual assault, and child abuse and protection available to you. The consular officer will verbally summarize the pamphlet to you during your interview. Additionally, K-1 visa applicants will be provided with any existing criminal background information on their U.S. citizen fiancé(e)s that USCIS received from other government agencies during processing of their Form I-129F petitions.

http://travel.state.gov/visa/immigrants/types/types_2994.html#4

[Pitaya 2,576]

~Moved from K-1 Process to Moving Here and Your New Life in America Forum~

~Inquirer is past K-1~

[c12h22oh 11]

I do not know what to say; This is only your version of the problem; perhaps is she explained her side I can have better idea of the conflict.

[Hank_ 9,171]

I need some advice.

I think my fiancee is looking for excuses to break up with me and is not attracted to me anymore. We are both here in the states now but not yet married.

I have been feeling like something is wrong ever since I went to Manila for the K1 interview.

When I was there before she was very romantic and affectionate with me, but when I came back she was almost distant. She avoids me sexually when before she was so loving and passionate.

It makes me feel like she is rejecting me, like she is repulsed by me.

Tonight my fiancée woke me up at 1:30am asking, “What is this?”

On her laptop was a webpage from a local court search. Listed was a dispute with an apartment complex from 1999. That’s right 1999!

The dispute was over the break of the lease and that I had not given the proper 30 days advanced notice prior to moving even though the lease was over. No big deal, and who cares.

I was hurt and insulted! She woke me up to interrogate me over this! She don’t trust me and is searching and investigating me while I am sleeping in the bed next to her!

When I react hurt and pissed she says I am being defensive! Why the hell is she searching for ####### to interrogate me on if she really wants to marry me and trusts me? And yes the date was on the page, 1999 and she woke me up over it!

What do I do?

What other possible reason could there be for looking for or questioning me about such things?

Why would a woman who was once gladly willing to do anything for me suddenly avoid me?

Personally I have to go with: WHEN IN DOUBT DON'T!!!

Buy her a ticket back to the Phils and go "Whew!!! I dodged a bullet!! "

Writing wasn't only on the wall, it was on the floors and ceilings too!

[christeen 966]

A different perspective... It might not be that she is having second thoughts about you or even that she is after a green card (as this would be a silly move to not even keep up pretenses until married).. I think what needs to be kept in mind is that she has just left her home, family and friends for a strange country, knowing nobody but you and has to completely have faith and trust in someone else... She is a fish out of water... For you, things are more comfortable and surroundings familiar, but she might be feeling lost... Cold feet about her new life, not necessarily you Per say.

It is not easy to feel "sexual" when you are not feeling like you belong somewhere or when there is a lot of stress. Homesickness can manifest itself in many ways, one of which is a defensive mechanism where you try to subconsciously find some... Any... reason why the current situation is not working so you get to go home.

Also, when dealing with a female, Do not confuse sex with intimacy... For without one there is not the other. A good sexual relationship comes from trusting and feeling comfortable and intimatly connected to someone... I think some real heart to heart talking and trying to get to the root of what is bothering her and address the REAL fear or issues is in order... Put aside the expectation of sex as a way to demonstrate her connection to you and focus instead on the emotional connection... Once this is established, the physical connections will follow... Women deal with things differently, more complex... Approach the problem with that in mind. Good luck...

[M-waits 6]

I need some advice.

I think my fiancee is looking for excuses to break up with me and is not attracted to me anymore. We are both here in the states now but not yet married.

I have been feeling like something is wrong ever since I went to Manila for the K1 interview.

When I was there before she was very romantic and affectionate with me, but when I came back she was almost distant. She avoids me sexually when before she was so loving and passionate.

It makes me feel like she is rejecting me, like she is repulsed by me.

Tonight my fiancée woke me up at 1:30am asking, “What is this?”

On her laptop was a webpage from a local court search. Listed was a dispute with an apartment complex from 1999. That’s right 1999!

The dispute was over the break of the lease and that I had not given the proper 30 days advanced notice prior to moving even though the lease was over. No big deal, and who cares.

I was hurt and insulted! She woke me up to interrogate me over this! She don’t trust me and is searching and investigating me while I am sleeping in the bed next to her!

When I react hurt and pissed she says I am being defensive! Why the hell is she searching for ####### to interrogate me on if she really wants to marry me and trusts me? And yes the date was on the page, 1999 and she woke me up over it!

What do I do?

What other possible reason could there be for looking for or questioning me about such things?

Why would a woman who was once gladly willing to do anything for me suddenly avoid me?

It is difficult to say what exactly is wrong as human psychology can be influenced by many things, but one thing is factually sure, something is wrong. All you have explained shows a huge red flag that your relationship is in trouble. The type of behavior she is exhibiting blatantly shows she does not trust you and is looking for reasons to back up her feelings. Why she doesn’t trust you or why she is looking for your bad deeds is anyone’s guess. She could have been unfaithful (normally the catalyst for diverting blame onto the one you betrayed), she could be scared about whom exactly she is now sharing her life with, she is in a foreign country and just changed everything in her life, cold feet etc…

Loss of intimacy is another huge red flag that your relationship is deteriorating. No matter the reasons for this behavior, it is clear there is a problem. As they say, true colors always shine through and maybe this is the type of person she is, which could be due to unhealthy relationships from the past. In any case, communication is the key and if healthy communication is lacking, you are in trouble. Even more so, a relationship is founded on trust and abandoned through mistrust. What you have described is not healthy behavior for anyone to have and the fact that you have turned to VJ for advice shows that it is out of your hands. There is only so much we can do for our adored partners. So what can you do?

Well, it is important to recognize that this behavior sets a dangerous precedence for acceptable behavior between partners during the life of the relationship. Does your family or your best friends have the right to look at your private diary without your permission? What you share about yourself should be consensual, not forced through devious digging. What you share about yourself should reflect respect for your partner and your relationship. We all have different opinions about what we have the “right” to know about a partner’s past in a relationship, it is up to you to deem what that is and share it acceptably. I’m an open book so I shared my past, good and bad, which wasn’t easy, but it reflects maturity and coming to terms with learning from mistakes, not repeating them. Since we all have different opinions about what is and is not appropriate in a relationship, I will defer to appropriateness between people, as that is pretty universal.

1. Respecting each other’s privacy. There are clear limits between information that is shared freely and information obtained through devious means with ill intentions. Does she have the right to know your past, sure, with your consent and your answers. Does she have the right to search through your personal information? Absolutely not. Just because you are in a relationship does not give her the right to invade your privacy and dig up dirt. What happened before your relationship should be off limits unless you believe it will impact your current relationship or you feel obligated to share it. It is not healthy to strip someone of their integrity because of mistakes in the past. I assume she would not share or allow you to uncover every detail before you were together. Again, unless there are some serious things from your past that would or could negatively impact your relationship, I say it is off limits unless there are things you want to share. That is common courtesy that is displayed in all healthy relationships formed on trust. Communicate your personal expectations (which should have been founded already) about this clearly. It is extremely important to establish clearly shared expectations in a relationship that both agree to and conform to. If you agree with this, that is the starting point for your next conversation. It is important to communicate that you feel personally violated and emotionally abused by this behavior and it is unacceptable. If she truly loves and respects you, she will understand this and come to terms with it, eventually. If she completely disregards how her actions impact your well being, it is obvious she doesn’t care

1. Loss of intimacy must be discussed immediately. This is the biggest red flag in a failing relationship and signifies that many aspects of your relationship, whether emotional or physical, are deteriorating and that leads to separation. You need to communicate how the lack of intimacy is affecting you emotionally, psychologically and physically. You should ask her what is wrong or what you are doing wrong in the relationship. I find starting with “what am I doing wrong?” is a good way to open up communication lines and begin sorting out how the other person feels about the relationship.

1. If you cannot establish a resolution to your current relational problems or agree on what is acceptable and healthy behavior while in the relationship, you should consider ending the relationship before your problems increase dramatically. If you are not comfortable with the communication you had or unsure about her intentions, it is important to convey those concerns as well. You can’t avoid these red flags or try to appease her by avoiding these difficult, but extremely important topics. Doing so would essentially end the relationship and establish unhealthy behaviors.

These are difficult conversations that must be presented as such, disclaiming that these conversations are necessary to ensure and establish a healthy relationship. Simply, you need to have these difficult conversations for the sake of your relationship. Approach with tact but understand we all react differently when confronted with uncomfortable discussions. It is far better to have them, argue and land at some understanding than to avoid them altogether. No one knows your relationship better than you, so it is up to you to figure out your approach and how to communicate. Always favor direct communication that honestly states how you feel and your concern for how she feels.

Lastly, it is obvious there are problems. With the information given, it seems to be on her end. Emotions can be paralyzing and confusing, especially when you leave your country and everything you’ve always known. Be understanding but gently demanding as well. Don’t let topics go unsaid because you don’t want her or yourself to feel “uncomfortable”. Don’t discount your intuition as mere worries. The best way we speak truth to ourselves is through intuition. You already know something is very wrong, now find out what it is. If you can’t, present the exit strategy and how you will go forward with ending the relationship. Better to be alone and healthy than stuck in an unhealthy relationship. We can have the best of intentions and sincere love for people, but we are in no way guaranteed they will give the same in return. Better to love yourself enough to recognize this and move on than to love her and abuse yourself emotionally and physically with this behavior.

Special note and matter-o-fact as well as opinion: American men/woman and foreign ones differ dramatically in some respects. Our American culture’s evolution has essentially created unisex partners in life. Of course, men still generally find it difficult listening and speaking in a relationship, but we have lost much that makes us… men. Same goes for the woman’s side of things. A man should make a woman feel like a woman and a woman should make a man feel like a man. Try asking just what that is in our GEN Y culture and you’ll see quickly that many don’t understand or misunderstand. If you look at the expectations of a man and woman 100 years ago and compare them to today, you can see what was lost. Of course, it is not the Wild West today and I’m not talking about roles or who does the dishes. Simply said, it is a man’s responsibility to lead the relationship on a healthy path, not mope around waiting for her to bring it up. (yes, I know, that is difficult in any relationship) That also means understanding women and conceding to the fact that we don’t understand many things, but try. It is the inevitable tug-o-war men and woman have for the life of the relationship, but a woman respects an understanding leader more than a disconnected follower. I’m not saying I understand the woman’s psyche well, I’m just speaking from experience with philosophy. This is a different topic altogether, but just wanted to add the side note because expectations in a relationship change in relation to the region on the globe you call home.

I hope you find a good resolution, no matter what that is. Look toward the future as things are now if they don’t change and decide if you can accept what you see. Best wishes for your relationship.

[madtownguy 164]

Throw her back and get a new fish dude. Too many girls out there to worry about what one is thinking. Don't try to understand her just keep her around until she stops making you happy which is what it sounds like has happened.

[SwissAmerican 33]

I TRULY hope its not the case....I absolutely do not....but....maybe coming over was the main reason and not you as a person? If so she would have hurt you in an inacceptable way....and besides....it would be FRAUDULENT! Hoping the best for you and that you guys can work it out.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

I need some advice.

I think my fiancee is looking for excuses to break up with me and is not attracted to me anymore. We are both here in the states now but not yet married.

I have been feeling like something is wrong ever since I went to Manila for the K1 interview.

When I was there before she was very romantic and affectionate with me, but when I came back she was almost distant. She avoids me sexually when before she was so loving and passionate.

It makes me feel like she is rejecting me, like she is repulsed by me.

Tonight my fiancée woke me up at 1:30am asking, “What is this?”

On her laptop was a webpage from a local court search. Listed was a dispute with an apartment complex from 1999. That’s right 1999!

The dispute was over the break of the lease and that I had not given the proper 30 days advanced notice prior to moving even though the lease was over. No big deal, and who cares.

I was hurt and insulted! She woke me up to interrogate me over this! She don’t trust me and is searching and investigating me while I am sleeping in the bed next to her!

When I react hurt and pissed she says I am being defensive! Why the hell is she searching for ####### to interrogate me on if she really wants to marry me and trusts me? And yes the date was on the page, 1999 and she woke me up over it!

What do I do?

What other possible reason could there be for looking for or questioning me about such things?

Why would a woman who was once gladly willing to do anything for me suddenly avoid me?

If you don't want to marry her, don't marry her. Offer her passage back to the Philippines. The I-134 is not binding on you. However, once you marry her, all that changes.

She may be homesick. She may be making Tampo for some slight. Even though you didn't do anything wrong, apologize to her, and offer to make lambing. If that doesn't work, send her packing.

[Pitaya 2,576]

Personally I have to go with: WHEN IN DOUBT DON'T!!!

Buy her a ticket back to the Phils and go "Whew!!! I dodged a bullet!! "

Writing wasn't only on the wall, it was on the floors and ceilings too!

Agree with Hank !!!

[med1023 0]

I find this so sad and disturbing and I think they are right, it's better to talk to her now and find out the truth than be sorry later on. I can feel how hurt you are, but you know if it doesn't work with her, then maybe you two are not meant to be together.

Feelings do change, and that's one sad truth we have to accept. I hope the best for you.

[Bayareaguy 156]

Personally I have to go with: WHEN IN DOUBT DON'T!!!

Buy her a ticket back to the Phils and go "Whew!!! I dodged a bullet!! "

Writing wasn't only on the wall, it was on the floors and ceilings too!

[Hank_ 9,171]

...Danger!! Danger!! Wil Robinson!

[Yassine Fatima 4]

you can not imagine how much i love my husband , he is my EVERYTHING , he is my Life , nd Honestly, all the words will fail to express how much i I'm crazy about him . but sometimes, I do the same , not because I don't trust him, I really do , i just find myself asking /searching and wanting to know everything about him , and he says why i am searching if i don't trust him ! but women are just curious creatures !!! we want to know everything about everything !!!! God created us differently to complete each other , so we should accept this deference and understand that being different is a quality ...

[David & Diana R 1,005]

Hopefully it's just nerves. Been there, done that. I got married in my wifes country and when the time approached for her to interview and come to the US she got, I guess you could say, jittery. But with a lot of patience, tolerance and love it all worked out. Of course we were already married when she came here but hopefully you are dealing with the same kind of fears, anxiety, etc...

Good luck and be patient. LOVE

Aloha Ke Akua

I need some advice.

I think my fiancee is looking for excuses to break up with me and is not attracted to me anymore. We are both here in the states now but not yet married.

I have been feeling like something is wrong ever since I went to Manila for the K1 interview.

When I was there before she was very romantic and affectionate with me, but when I came back she was almost distant. She avoids me sexually when before she was so loving and passionate.

It makes me feel like she is rejecting me, like she is repulsed by me.

Tonight my fiancée woke me up at 1:30am asking, “What is this?”

On her laptop was a webpage from a local court search. Listed was a dispute with an apartment complex from 1999. That’s right 1999!

The dispute was over the break of the lease and that I had not given the proper 30 days advanced notice prior to moving even though the lease was over. No big deal, and who cares.

I was hurt and insulted! She woke me up to interrogate me over this! She don’t trust me and is searching and investigating me while I am sleeping in the bed next to her!

When I react hurt and pissed she says I am being defensive! Why the hell is she searching for ####### to interrogate me on if she really wants to marry me and trusts me? And yes the date was on the page, 1999 and she woke me up over it!

What do I do?

What other possible reason could there be for looking for or questioning me about such things?

Why would a woman who was once gladly willing to do anything for me suddenly avoid me?