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Holly2234

Suddenly very lonely

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When i first came to the US from the UK in October 2012 i didnt miss my family and i never really had any friends that i was bothered about leaving behind. As time went on my marriage (that i came to the US for) fell apart and i left my husbands house on May 9th 2013. Ever since then i havent been concentrating on my horrendous relationship any more so i have found myself feeling extremely lonely. It is not because i dont have a husband any more, i used to work every hour that he was home and dread going back if i knew he was there.

I have a lot of great friends that i met at work but its knowing that nobody in this country truly cares that makes me feel very alone even though i do have people around me.

Any tips from fellow VJers on how to just snap out of it?

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Aww Holly. I am so sorry you are feeling this way, because you are such a star and one of my favorites. But I understand what you are saying. You are going through so much. Having somebody that really cares for you to wrap their arms around you and say "you are going to get through this" would be so nice for you. Great co-workers aren't always huggable close. Find yourself a motherly type and maybe let your guard down a little to show how you feel besides the anger and such. Just say "I could really use a hug right now.". Got anybody like that? Maybe they just need a clue from you that you are vulnerable and lonely.

Edited by Nich-Nick

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Hi Holly,

I am sorry to hear that!

What you need to do is to find your own life: find a home, find a good job that you like, sign up for hobby activities such as the gym, fitness clubs, meetup.com groups....

You don't have any roots in your new country yet and it takes about 2 years on average for people to start feeling home and to realise all the advantages and disadvantages of a new culture.

I have followed this 2-year rule throughout my life when I was moving from country to country all over the world. I am currently in country No. 5 (UK) and as the previous 4 times it took almost exactly 2 years before I felt settled, home and not lonely anymore.

It takes about 3 years to create true friendships (I have read through some research) so for the moment it is understandable that you feel lonely and that no one cares about you.

Hang in there, give it two full years and then make a decision.

Use the meetup.com site which I absolutely love to find groups and meetups of people similar to you.

You can do this!

Texas

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Great advice above, si man.

Vigorous physical exercise, especially when you're hardest hit, might help. Please consider it, and remember that a lot of folks here are thinking good things about you.

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Holly,

I just want to tell you that I feel you. Even though I have been here just for a little while and I am not in your situation... I hope you'll find Texas's experience as comforting as I do!

Hi Holly,

I am sorry to hear that!

What you need to do is to find your own life: find a home, find a good job that you like, sign up for hobby activities such as the gym, fitness clubs, meetup.com groups....

You don't have any roots in your new country yet and it takes about 2 years on average for people to start feeling home and to realise all the advantages and disadvantages of a new culture.

I have followed this 2-year rule throughout my life when I was moving from country to country all over the world. I am currently in country No. 5 (UK) and as the previous 4 times it took almost exactly 2 years before I felt settled, home and not lonely anymore.

It takes about 3 years to create true friendships (I have read through some research) so for the moment it is understandable that you feel lonely and that no one cares about you.

Hang in there, give it two full years and then make a decision.

Use the meetup.com site which I absolutely love to find groups and meetups of people similar to you.

You can do this!

Texas

Thank you so much for sharing this! Two years is a long time but I bet time flies! I feel lonely here sometimes and my husband always tell me to call one of his friends to hang out, or to go knock on my neighbors door. But, even though I am a friendly person, it is not always so easy... and sometime I just want to have a friend to talk to, and not have to make friends first...

Now, knowing that, yes, it takes time, but no, not that much, is very reasuring. Knowing you've been through this 5 times is incredibly reasuring...

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Sorry to hear about that. I'm assuming that moving back to the UK to be with family woudn't solve these issues. Either way, it is common after a breakup to undergo a period of loneliness. If it were not there, then you wouldn't eventually be motivated enough to meet new people later on once you are up to it. In the meantime, hang in there, and do what you can to get through it. Hold onto hope, as it will eventually pass.

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Thanks everyone :) Im very lucky that i have made friends pretty easily through work, i was never that lucky on that front in the UK!

Im trying to work hard in both of my jobs and get through it by forcing myself to be successful. I took the supervisors test at work and passed so hopefully there will be space for me to move up soon enough. These things make me feel very positive and lucky to be here for the opportunities.

Im a bit wary of how close i get to these friends though! They are mostly men and i dont want anybody getting the wrong idea! I have a lovely room mate who is willing on the hug front but he is very rarely here. He works mornings and i work evenings and we both work full time so our paths dont cross very much.

Im attempting to find more friends outside of work though. Im not looking forward to holidays such as Christmas etc. Work will be closed so i cant go there, i only have my daughter for half of the day so the other half i will either be alone or hopefully get to spend some time with friends.

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Can you meet people from VJ in New York? I mean, if you live there, there are probably plenty smile.png

I am also thinking, people who moved in the city fairly recently are probably easier to make friends with quicker, because they need to make friends too.

My husband wants me to be friends with one of his friends. She is so nice and everything. But she knows half of DC, she has always lived here, she doesn't really care if we are friends or not. After 3 texts messages without an answer, I just gave up. I feel much more comfortable with my neighbor who moved here 7 months ago... It is funny when we talk, I can feel we both want to be friends.

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Meet friends... Be open to new things. The secret is love yourself more. It's hard to be alone, and the first person you know who will be there when you're feeling lonely, isn't around anymore. Personally how i wish that everyone would end up a happy life, after the long wait and the hardship of being away. But life has a twist sometimes. I do hope, everything will be okay with you, and i know you will...

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Thanks everyone. Unfortunately i live in a small town right up in Northern NY by Canada so im not close to the city and there are only a couple of other immigrants around here. I mean about a total of 3!

One of the things that has been a saving grace for me is my jobs. Its how ive met people and how i pass time. Granted they are both minimum wage and not skilled in any way but they have been the best things that have happened to me.

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Thanks everyone. Unfortunately i live in a small town right up in Northern NY by Canada so im not close to the city and there are only a couple of other immigrants around here. I mean about a total of 3!

One of the things that has been a saving grace for me is my jobs. Its how ive met people and how i pass time. Granted they are both minimum wage and not skilled in any way but they have been the best things that have happened to me.

I am in the same boat to tell you the truth. Its hard especially holidays.sometimes i wonder what i have done to myself. I cried a lot, but its alot less now.Like you , well I am separated.Thank God. Im scared to date so i remain single. I work out , church and thats about it. But its up to me and I am hoping to socialise more soon

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I am going through the same thing with my husband and feeling the same emotions you are right now.

I moved here in September 2012 and my marriage is hanging on by a thread. We have a seven month old son who I have being raising alone the majority of the time. I found out so many things about my husband since I landed such as debts etc that he didn't tell me about all my trust for him has dissolved. His family are a nightmare and spend half their time attacking each other and his mother is just poisonous. His friends wont socialize with me because of the unkind rumours his mother has spread about me. His friends children have stolen my clothes and I have had a whole bunch of unpleasant medical issues to deal with and he has been nowhere to be seen. He has failed to support me emotionally and is packing me off to see a psychiatrist. Sorry to vent but it does help. I haven't even got the luxury of workplace friends as to them, my british accent is a novelty and when the customers abuse me because of it, no one backs me. Its all rather distressing.

Are you planning to remain in the US? If so, you are very brave and I admire you.

Have to tried to reach out to some of your colleagues at work? I know you feel they don't care but I have found one colleague I work with that although we don't socialize outside of work, she understands what I am going through with the immigration and homesickness. Are there clubs or social meet ups you and your daughter could do together? I think we are both outside of the main cities, so it's certainly hard to find these things. I am in a town where I am the only immigrant!

Texas' experience is common through all that I have been reading and when you have had lots of major life changes in one go, it is hard. Hang in there, you seem to be a strong person and very brave too. I thought I would let you know that you're not the only one having to go through this. I think there is a different side to simply moving over to live in a foreign land with a new husband or wife people don't think of and its just something that happens sometimes.

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