[Khomer1964]

i would actually love to talk to her because in your behaviour i see a bit of arrogance. you cant say she doesnt want to adjust, you have no idea how hard is to adjust. is a horrible feeling of loneliness even if she makes new friends. the anger and the fights are impossible to avoid sometimes, i know because ive been there countless times over these months since i moved here. i cried and fought with my husband when he spent money to take me to the doctor because i couldnt stand it but i did accept the gifts he bought me from time to time. i see a similar pattern in you wife's behaviour and i really think is cultural shock and you should try marriage therapy. if i didnt know how messed up i am since i moved here i wouldnt talk. i feel horrible for everytime i shouted at my husband and made a scandal because my mind is messed up.

a wife is not a ball to bounce from usa to china and from china to usa. she has mixed up feelings and it can take 2-3-4 years for her to adjust and come to an agreement with her own person and feelings. patience is the only thing that would resolve it in this case. the change of scenery and culture might be dramatic for some people believe it or not

Listen, she has been here for over a year. Myself and my entire family have bent over backwards to help her. She thinks she knows everything. She does not listen when you tell her something for her own good. PERFECT EXAMPLE: She wanted to go to school, so i found an ESL class, but it was in a very bad area. I told her to wait inside the school and i would pick her up. i told her this many times, but she still wanders far away from where the school is. I told her many times about the danger, but she does not listen. That's not cultural adjusting honey, that's common sense no matter where you live. i would love for you to talk to her and you will see how much of a PITA she is. She is adjusted here, she is just a spoiled brat.

I am not arrogant, i am honest. it may come across like i am, but i assure i am not. Our fights are over her not getting what she wants. We fought over when to get married. i wanted to have a wedding in a church, reception with my family, her family. she wanted to rush down to the court house. had to be fast. then the green card, every day having me call for status after being told by them it takes 4-6 weeks. My family is trying to protect me, they think she used me, but i always defend her. tell them she is not like that, but her actions speak louder than words. when she does not get what she wants (money usually) she gets very upset. I give her a quarter of my paycheck every week. i pay all the bills. if i can't give her money one week she says i owe her the money. The money is for her to buy her makeup and other crap she does not necessarily need. I pay for everything. And when she does finally get a job, do you think she will help with the bills? I guarantee she won't. the money will be her's and she will STILL expect me to Pay her every week. This isn't a normal marriage.

I'm chinese (but born and raised in Singapore) and I've got to agree that comparing mainland chinese to american born chinese to chinese born elsewhere is like comparing apples to oranges to strawberries. Then again, even though there may be some patterns in each geographical demographic, you also get quite a bit of variation in any racial group even if they are born and raised in the same place.

No opinions about whether or not to divorce, since that wasn't your question anyway.. but Khomer1964, you really shouldn't expect your wife to be anything like your chinese friends in the USA.

My friends are married to these Chinese women, so why shouldn't I?

[caly]

My friends are married to these Chinese women, so why shouldn't I?

Simply because they are not your wife.

Look, there's really no need to defend your actions to a bunch of strangers on VJ. Your question has been answered already. Just seems to me that if she was just stringing you along for the green card, she'd be long gone since she got her green card more than 8 months ago now. Sounds like you might have just married an extremely controlling woman to me.

Unfortunately, unless both you and your wife commit to working on the relationship together, your marriage sounds like it's not going to make it.

If you have concrete evidence that she did not enter the marriage in good faith, contact ICE immediately. Otherwise, if you do decide to divorce her, just do it and move on.

[Robert&Karen]

Is she a Princess in her own mind or something? What ever happened to a little give and take?

[Love&Love]

Listen, she has been here for over a year. Myself and my entire family have bent over backwards to help her. She thinks she knows everything. She does not listen when you tell her something for her own good. PERFECT EXAMPLE: She wanted to go to school, so i found an ESL class, but it was in a very bad area. I told her to wait inside the school and i would pick her up. i told her this many times, but she still wanders far away from where the school is. I told her many times about the danger, but she does not listen. That's not cultural adjusting honey, that's common sense no matter where you live. i would love for you to talk to her and you will see how much of a PITA she is. She is adjusted here, she is just a spoiled brat.

I am not arrogant, i am honest. it may come across like i am, but i assure i am not. Our fights are over her not getting what she wants. We fought over when to get married. i wanted to have a wedding in a church, reception with my family, her family. she wanted to rush down to the court house. had to be fast. then the green card, every day having me call for status after being told by them it takes 4-6 weeks. My family is trying to protect me, they think she used me, but i always defend her. tell them she is not like that, but her actions speak louder than words. when she does not get what she wants (money usually) she gets very upset. I give her a quarter of my paycheck every week. i pay all the bills. if i can't give her money one week she says i owe her the money. The money is for her to buy her makeup and other crap she does not necessarily need. I pay for everything. And when she does finally get a job, do you think she will help with the bills? I guarantee she won't. the money will be her's and she will STILL expect me to Pay her every week. This isn't a normal marriage.




My friends are married to these Chinese women, so why shouldn't I?

[laylanalven]

Listen, she has been here for over a year. Myself and my entire family have bent over backwards to help her. She thinks she knows everything. She does not listen when you tell her something for her own good. PERFECT EXAMPLE: She wanted to go to school, so i found an ESL class, but it was in a very bad area. I told her to wait inside the school and i would pick her up. i told her this many times, but she still wanders far away from where the school is. I told her many times about the danger, but she does not listen. That's not cultural adjusting honey, that's common sense no matter where you live. i would love for you to talk to her and you will see how much of a PITA she is. She is adjusted here, she is just a spoiled brat.

I am not arrogant, i am honest. it may come across like i am, but i assure i am not. Our fights are over her not getting what she wants. We fought over when to get married. i wanted to have a wedding in a church, reception with my family, her family. she wanted to rush down to the court house. had to be fast. then the green card, every day having me call for status after being told by them it takes 4-6 weeks. My family is trying to protect me, they think she used me, but i always defend her. tell them she is not like that, but her actions speak louder than words. when she does not get what she wants (money usually) she gets very upset. I give her a quarter of my paycheck every week. i pay all the bills. if i can't give her money one week she says i owe her the money. The money is for her to buy her makeup and other crap she does not necessarily need. I pay for everything. And when she does finally get a job, do you think she will help with the bills? I guarantee she won't. the money will be her's and she will STILL expect me to Pay her every week. This isn't a normal marriage.




My friends are married to these Chinese women, so why shouldn't I?

It seems your wife made all the mistakes to your marriage. Do you think you are prefect in your marriage? Do you have the courage to invite your wife to come here to read what you have posted and what people commented?

[EastPearl]

Listen, she has been here for over a year. Myself and my entire family have bent over backwards to help her. She thinks she knows everything. She does not listen when you tell her something for her own good. PERFECT EXAMPLE: She wanted to go to school, so i found an ESL class, but it was in a very bad area. I told her to wait inside the school and i would pick her up. i told her this many times, but she still wanders far away from where the school is. I told her many times about the danger, but she does not listen. That's not cultural adjusting honey, that's common sense no matter where you live. i would love for you to talk to her and you will see how much of a PITA she is. She is adjusted here, she is just a spoiled brat.

I am not arrogant, i am honest. it may come across like i am, but i assure i am not. Our fights are over her not getting what she wants. We fought over when to get married. i wanted to have a wedding in a church, reception with my family, her family. she wanted to rush down to the court house. had to be fast. then the green card, every day having me call for status after being told by them it takes 4-6 weeks. My family is trying to protect me, they think she used me, but i always defend her. tell them she is not like that, but her actions speak louder than words. when she does not get what she wants (money usually) she gets very upset. I give her a quarter of my paycheck every week. i pay all the bills. if i can't give her money one week she says i owe her the money. The money is for her to buy her makeup and other crap she does not necessarily need. I pay for everything. And when she does finally get a job, do you think she will help with the bills? I guarantee she won't. the money will be her's and she will STILL expect me to Pay her every week. This isn't a normal marriage.




My friends are married to these Chinese women, so why shouldn't I?

Hey buddy,

If you are so afraid of being used by a Chinese woman then please marry an American woman.

Give me a break! She wanted to go to the court house and green card because she wants to be legal here.

[daisylishuping]

hey, iam a chinese woman, from what you described, most of what you said about her is very commom for a chinese woman. we do have different cultures .I married my AMerican husband 3 years ago, and we live a happy life now. I did changed many things in our life here. I know saving money is very important,but my american husband didnot know that and he also couldnot save any money. I know most americans donot have any sense when it comes to save money, that is not what chinese people do. Trust what i said, most of the chinese family in china have at least 30,000rmb savinngs in their bank account, we chinese people grew in a culture that saving money is very important,so this is hard to change and adjust to like americans who donot have sense to save money. I came here in 2008 and when i just got the States and i found out my husband had almost 10,000dollars credit card debts, and i didnot know that he had that much debts, i didnot blaim him for that, instead i talked to him seriously that, we must save money to pay back all these debts .He also told me that he wanted to ,but just hard to save money to do that.I said you can let me manage the finance in our family, he said ok. I tried to save every penny just to pay back the debts ,after 6-7 mons, we paid back all the debts, he said he couldnot believe that could pay off that soon. In his mind, every money we should only pay minimum 25 dollars, but to me, i rather save more every month to pay off quicker. Both of us sacrificed lots of things in order to adjsut each other. In china, i made good money and bought name brand women clothes and stuff, but after i came here, i dont buy expensive name brand stuff any more, but some basic make up stuff, as a woman, we need that .Men donot need that, but women like this kind of stuff. As long as you are not crazy about those stuff, that is fine.

[daisylishuping]

You said she hurried you to get married and apply for the green card, do you know that you only have 90 days to get married and apply for the green card. Right after i got to the States, my husband hurried me to get married because he said we only have certain time period to get married ,so we need to do it asap.

[daisylishuping]

You said she hurried you to get married and apply for the green card, do you know that you only have 90 days to get married and apply for the green card. Right after i got to the States, my husband hurried me to get married because he said we only have certain time period to get married ,so we need to do it asap.

Donot always think everything she does has a purpose. Just love your partner simply. This world is not that complicated.

[Krikit]

Thread closed for review.

[Krikit]

A number of posts have been removed. This thread will remain closed as the OP's question has been answered.