[MissNobody]

hello. i moved to US at the end of this summer and i married my fiance (now husband) as soon as i got here. we know eachother for long time we've always loved eachother. i never imagined my life being like this after moving. its worse than i could ever expect.
my husband is working night shift 8-10 hours and in the rest of the time all he does is play video games. im a gamer too but this has gone too far. if im not playing with him he doesnt talk to me for hours at a time. half of his family cant stand me we've had serious problems with some of them after i moved here so we had to move away from them. after we moved alone i thought everything was going to be ok. i dont have any friends here. i live here for about 4 months i didnt go out of the house almost at all. the only moment when he's 100% focused on me is when he wants to have sex. dont get me wrong i know he loves me and he always gave me everything i needed.

i love him to death but i dont know for long i can stand this. i cant go back to my country cause i gave up on everything i had there. if i went back i would be homeless and without any opportunity to take my life from the beggining.

4 days ago i ended up in the emergency room after not being able to eat more than few bites for about a month. i almost got a heart attack out of nowhere, my heart starts racing and if i get up i faint instantly. after being checked for everything the doctor told me its axiety. im so depressed that bassically my body cant handle it and im at the edge of probably losing my life. i fainted in the shower and hit my head being 100% healthy

ive come to the point i want to take my life. i dont know what to do, who to turn to. 2 days ago i was crying i asked him to come and give me a hug, he was playing and he was like "when im done with the game". he loves me but he doesnt seem like doing anything to help me with this

the doctor prescribed be some medication for my depression but all they do is dope me up. i get high for few hours and then i fall asleep and can barely wake up, worse they give me panic attacks. i refused to take them and my husband keep threatening me that if i dont he'll lock me up in the house so i cant kill myself

maybe you think im exagerating but i dont know for how long ill be able to pull myself togheter

[beejay]

Don't take your life. Take your meds. Find one thing you can focus on that makes you happy. Try and get out of the house. Give yourself a small activity to do everday, like going to a coffee shop and reading a local (non depressing) newspaper. Reaching out on an internet forum is one thing (and i've tried to give the best advice I can) but if you can find someone to talk to in real life, perhaps even a professional, that would be best.

One day at a time

(I think you've posted here before under a different name? If so you have been through a lot of stress and you are dealing with a lot but you can get through it, ok?)

[OgaMum]

hello. i moved to US at the end of this summer and i married my fiance (now husband) as soon as i got here. we know eachother for long time we've always loved eachother. i never imagined my life being like this after moving. its worse than i could ever expect.
my husband is working night shift 8-10 hours and in the rest of the time all he does is play video games. im a gamer too but this has gone too far. if im not playing with him he doesnt talk to me for hours at a time. half of his family cant stand me we've had serious problems with some of them after i moved here so we had to move away from them. after we moved alone i thought everything was going to be ok. i dont have any friends here. i live here for about 4 months i didnt go out of the house almost at all. the only moment when he's 100% focused on me is when he wants to have sex. dont get me wrong i know he loves me and he always gave me everything i needed.

i love him to death but i dont know for long i can stand this. i cant go back to my country cause i gave up on everything i had there. if i went back i would be homeless and without any opportunity to take my life from the beggining.

4 days ago i ended up in the emergency room after not being able to eat more than few bites for about a month. i almost got a heart attack out of nowhere, my heart starts racing and if i get up i faint instantly. after being checked for everything the doctor told me its axiety. im so depressed that bassically my body cant handle it and im at the edge of probably losing my life. i fainted in the shower and hit my head being 100% healthy

ive come to the point i want to take my life. i dont know what to do, who to turn to. 2 days ago i was crying i asked him to come and give me a hug, he was playing and he was like "when im done with the game". he loves me but he doesnt seem like doing anything to help me with this

the doctor prescribed be some medication for my depression but all they do is dope me up. i get high for few hours and then i fall asleep and can barely wake up, worse they give me panic attacks. i refused to take them and my husband keep threatening me that if i dont he'll lock me up in the house so i cant kill myself

maybe you think im exagerating but i dont know for how long ill be able to pull myself togheter

You are going through Cultural Shock Syndrome and there is no instant cure for it but it can be remedied. You feel isolated and alone because the only person you know is your husband. You are depressed because you feel helpless and you can't do anything about it.

I am not sure if you have an Immigrant center in your area, but if you do please go and sign up. We have several of them in my area and they are great! They have classes set up for those who are learning to speak and write English, counseling services for immigrant and their families, and retention program. You have to embrace the American culture in order to survive here and finding a hobby, job, or activity as the poster above suggested would be a great start.

You can find support groups in your area that helps with those who are immigrant and struggling to find their balance in America. It would soon be over once you connect with the right people. You do not need to go back home and if you must, do you have any families that will take you in for a while?

[V & A]

Hi! It is normal for big life changes like leaving your entire life in another country and coming to this one with only one person to turn to or only one person that could give you a hug can be quite depressing. But don't let anything or anyone determine your happiness. Find a hobby, go walking, or start meeting friends online... it seems like your husband is addicted to video games and I know how hard it can be talking to someone who is not really listening to you. But you seriously need to find something to get your mind off of those suicidal thoughts you are encountering. It is great that at least you know something is not right and I hope you have family back home who you can talk to to make you feel better. Volunteer if you can't work yet, exercise, and of course eat healthy honey our diet can help our brain structure which can help depression (and you won't be fainting all over the place ). I wish you the best... many blessings!!!!

Edited by V & A, 28 December 2011 - 01:27 AM.

[mr and mrs]

aww. kiddo.

glad you posted how youre feeling. im sorry your feeling so awful. keep hanging in there. even on bad days. it can get better. it will if you decide you want it to.

think theres a lot for you to deal with right now and it feels overwhelming. it IS overwhelming. and if you feel like your husband isnt supporting you, im sure you feel totally alone.

find something to do everyday that makes you feel good or even just okay. take care of yourself.



and come here for a chat or a distraction. lots of people here who care. and we're here 24-7.

<3.

[Vanessa&Tony]

No-one really understand depression (REAL depression and not just a "bad day") unless they've been there. It's not as easy as just "taking up a hobby". While you might not actually FEEL sad the majority of the time, you do feel.. "flat" and things that used to bring you joy don't any more, and you're not necessarily bored but you are just "going through the motions". It's hard to find the energy to go out and do things because you've got yourself in a slump and it takes help and the will to go on in order to get out.

My first advice is to see your doctor again. The kind of medication you're taking isn't "one size fits all". You may require a different dose, a different kind, a different combination... it's an ongoing process. If you don't get the kind of help you need at your doctor you need to find another one. Perhaps a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist or counsellor would be someone to talk to, but it won't solve the issue with your relationship. The first part of your post sounded like I could have written it. My husband was working 12 hour days, coming home and playing WoW in the other room whilst sitting on Vent talking to people while I sat in the living room in a different time zone to my family and friends, watching TV and surfing the internet. The difference between your husband and mine appears to be that your husband has a SERIOUS addiction and mine just needed a routine change. I think your husband needs help with his addiction but first he needs to admit he has a problem.

Again though that doesn't REALLY help your relationship though. I think you need couples counselling to talk about your issues. One of the biggest issues I see is that he makes you feel like you're not important enough.

You said you gave up everything at home. What about your family and friends? Have you filed for AOS yet? Do you have access to a car? Do you have a drivers licence from your home country? If your relationship didn't last (god forbid) would you want to stay in the US or return to your home country to "start again"? I found giving advice on here and chatting to family/friends on MSN helped me a LOT to feel a bit better. I got myself into a routine.

Mostly you need to tell your husband that you are NOT happy and that he is NOT helping matters. He could be thinking you're being too demanding and not realise his addiction is bad. So perhaps talk to him about a schedule. Talk to him about when he can be online and when you want to spend time with him maybe watching movies at home etc. The problem is he might resent being bored when he could be playing a game and NOT be being bored. You need to explain to him what your days feel like and how being "bored" with you once is nothing compared to you being bored and lonely DAILY. If he's not willing to work with you though you need to consider going back to your home country, or staying in the US and moving on without him.

If you need someone to talk to please feel free to send me a PM. I know what being a "video game widow" feels like. Also remember though you might feel that way right now, you are NOT alone. Things WILL get better. **hugs**

[awkwardsoul]

I second going back to a doctor or seeing another one - especially a psychiatrist as they know that kind of medication better - actually most psych meds take a week or more to kick in right (barring ones that just help you sleep) - so take it consistently for a week or two, but if the side effects are terrible, get the medication changed asap. It sometimes takes many trips and medication changes to get it right as everyone's chemistry is different.

There are also depression/anxiety support groups or also new immigrant groups out there. It's something you can get of the house to do and meet people who are in similar situations.

And when you are feeling low, google the Crisis/Suicide Line in your area and call them. They are a great resource and very helpful.

[MissNobody]

thank you everyone for the replies. it actually feels good when someone talks to you even on a forum.

well when i said i didnt go out, is because my husband doesnt really let me. i mean he doesnt lock me in but he's paranoid about people hurting me. i did think it might have been cultural shock syndrome but i didnt think it could kick in 4-5 months after

@Vanessa&Tony: thank you very much for the helpful post. my mom lives in another country not in my home country, and she has her own family, i was kinda on my own in my home country. so i couldnt go back now. and i dont think i could make it on my own here in usa since i dont have any family. i do have 2 friends in different states but they both have their own families. i really dont plan on breaking up with my husband he's everything to me.

i told him i wasnt happy and he told me we could move somewhere else, that he'll buy me a professional camera (since photography is my hobby) and a cat. he always tries to buy me with material things. i would love a cat, but that doesnt replace him. i told him i didnt need any material things but i need him to be there with me when i need mental support. i hope so bad you are right and things will get better. i tried to make him stop playing even for a bit, worked for few days but after that he went back to gaming. when i ask him to do something like washing some dishes he does, he never argues about it.

my doctor put me on 1mg of lorazepam every 24 hours and some pills to make me eat. i refused to take him after what happened last time, but i took them last night and again i ended up high, fell down and busted my head on the floor and twisted my ankle and got a panic attack after so no way im touching that stuff ever again. when i came in my senses my husband said he'll call his mom to take him away and he'll take everything from the house and leave me here. i told him to go ahead and do it, when he saw i wasnt fighting back he changed his mind and stayd here....

[mr and mrs]

lorazepam is for your anxiety. you can just take it when you feel panicky to calm you down. you can also just take half a pill. also, if youre having trouble sleeping, you can take it at night.
its a sort term solution.


i would find a psychiatrist or therapist you can talk to. they will be able to help you decide what the best way to deal with how youre feeling is.


i think your husband sounds a little freaked out too. maybe hes adjusting to having you around, maybe his gaming style is being cramped, maybe he doesnt know what else to do other than offer you things and cats, maybe he just doesnt know how to comfort you.

my husband didnt use to quite know what to do or say when i was hurting (i have a lot of trouble with depression and anxiety. and crying is how it comes out more often than not. ) i remember begging him to tell me something that would help me feel better, but i think he was scared that he didnt have the power to 'fix me'. i usually ended upbjust telling him that i wanted him to tell me that things would be okay and to hug me. after a while, he sort of realized that i wasnt asking him to sign a contract saying that he promised to be able to 'fix me', but just that i wanted reassurance at a moment when i couldnt muster up my usually positive, proactive self. he is quite good at it now. he has figured out that he can usually distract me with a joke or two as long as he acknowledges my anxiety. its actually something that i am very proud of us for cultivating.

getting through the tough times together is not at all easy. but if you can make it, you will be stronger for this. i promise.


but, in order to be able to survive this, you need to take care of yourself. you need to stand on your own. be your own person.

i dont know where you live. in the big bad city or in the lonely lonely country, but i doubt that you will get hurt by leaving the house. you are certainly showing signs of hurt for staying in. i dont think this is something he should be dictating to you. you need to announce your needs as non-negotiables. time out of the house ( this may mean pursuing a drivers license, or getting a bicycle or a bus pass), quality time with him (date night, cooking dinner once a week together, a weekend camping (ugh i hate camping!) and anything else that you need to get you back on track. its not selfish to ask for. its asking for help to save your life your marriage and your identity. he should value all of those things.


oof. im rambling. but i care.

[Macbook]

Talk to your MD about medication called Lexapro. It worked great for me. And don't forget that depression meds needs to be taken as directed. Otherwise they won't work. Also look for marriage counseling. Good luck and keep us updated!

[Vanessa&Tony]

thank you everyone for the replies. it actually feels good when someone talks to you even on a forum.

well when i said i didnt go out, is because my husband doesnt really let me. i mean he doesnt lock me in but he's paranoid about people hurting me. i did think it might have been cultural shock syndrome but i didnt think it could kick in 4-5 months after

@Vanessa&Tony: thank you very much for the helpful post. my mom lives in another country not in my home country, and she has her own family, i was kinda on my own in my home country. so i couldnt go back now. and i dont think i could make it on my own here in usa since i dont have any family. i do have 2 friends in different states but they both have their own families. i really dont plan on breaking up with my husband he's everything to me.

i told him i wasnt happy and he told me we could move somewhere else, that he'll buy me a professional camera (since photography is my hobby) and a cat. he always tries to buy me with material things. i would love a cat, but that doesnt replace him. i told him i didnt need any material things but i need him to be there with me when i need mental support. i hope so bad you are right and things will get better. i tried to make him stop playing even for a bit, worked for few days but after that he went back to gaming. when i ask him to do something like washing some dishes he does, he never argues about it.

my doctor put me on 1mg of lorazepam every 24 hours and some pills to make me eat. i refused to take him after what happened last time, but i took them last night and again i ended up high, fell down and busted my head on the floor and twisted my ankle and got a panic attack after so no way im touching that stuff ever again. when i came in my senses my husband said he'll call his mom to take him away and he'll take everything from the house and leave me here. i told him to go ahead and do it, when he saw i wasnt fighting back he changed his mind and stayd here....

You know I felt a lot better once we got a dog as well so a cat might not be a bad idea. It's "something else" to think about. Something else to play with and focus on. A living thing. A camera would also be good so you could work on your hobby. You could go for walks (or drives if you have a vehicle and licence) to take pretty photos. Join a photography forum, maybe visit people who would sell your photos. You could consider setting up your own little business and taking family portraits, wedding pics etc. Get the program photoshop and reall get into it

Singing helps my mood. I had a breakdown several years ago and refused to go on medication. I self-treated with exercise (endorphins) and singing etc. I did see a counsellor though and it helped a LOT to have someone to vent to.

Regarding stopping playing it won't really be possible for him to quit cold turkey so when I suggested a schedule I meant something like when he gets home he spend an hour or two with you then he can play for X hours. Or the weekends are reserved for you guys. You need to understand he needs de-stressing time as well. He needs to be open to talking about your feelings and fears and he can't just dismiss you if you're feeling down BUT you also need to be careful that you aren't being too demanding either. That sounds bad because you're feeling bad but if you interrupt him every day (with this sort of agreement in place) then he'd get a little ticked.

Myself I call out "are you in the middle of something at the moment?". If he's not in the middle of something that will kill him or others if he stops playing he'll stop playing to see what I want. If he IS in the middle of something I'll say "Do you think it will be a while?" and if no "can you come here when you're free?" if YES and it's important I'll go watch him play and wait for the lulls before they start on another boss. If it's not urgent I will write it down to remember to mention later. He needs to realise you aren't interrupting him just to piss him off, and realise that it's JUST A GAME! It will be there when he gets back.

Unfortunately he can't be there for you 24/7 so if you're feeling down you need to have other solutions for the times he not available. I started a blog (personal one so basically a diary). I also came on VJ more often to offer advice and talk to other people (feel connected) and because of my in-law issues I went to "www.motherinlawstories.com" to read the stories and feel better about my personal situation My in-laws suck pretty bad but some of the ones on there are just WOW!

I think the photography thing would be great. Sounds like you have a creative side. Have you looked into scrapbooking (I don't like it myself but it's crafty). Have you ever been to Michaels? That place makes me want to be more creative If you like painting or drawing you could get some art supplies. Once you start feeling better you will probably feel more like socialising with people in person. When you get your EAD you can get a job and you'd be surprised just how much better you will feel once you start being able to live your own life and talk to people again.

We lived in Houston when I first arrived and Tony wasn't too keen on me leaving the apartment either because of the danger so I know how you feel! Have you heard about Netflix? The food channel, DIY channel and series helped keep me sane too...

Edited by Vanessa&Tony, 29 December 2011 - 03:24 AM.

[beejay]

So glad you were able to get some support from this forum and some of the replies. I think pets can be good companions and can be very beneficial to healing. If you are a cat person I think getting a cat is a good idea. I also think getting a camera, if that is something you love, is a good idea. It certainly doesn't solve the problem but it is a way to cope and possibly take some steps towards better health. I think Vanessa as well as mr. and mrs. has some wonderful ideas and about how to approach your husband. I hope that you can tell him what you need from him and I hope that he will take steps to accomplish that. If the meds you are on are not a good fit, I think you need to speak to a doctor/psychiatrist about changing the dosage or brand. This is your life and your relationship. Find what works best for you.
Glad you chose to reach out and I hope all the best for you. Take care and post whenever you need to.

[rlogan]

4 days ago i ended up in the emergency room after not being able to eat more than few bites for about a month...etc

A husband who can stand by while you waste away like this does not love you, regardless of what words come out of his mouth.

Edited by rlogan, 30 December 2011 - 12:45 AM.

[kokylolo]

I know this advice may seem bold, but that is just how I operate. Let your husband read your post. Give him a reality check to open up your lines of communication. If he doesn't get it, then tell him you want to see a marriage counselor.

[SuperDuper!]

Life is never as bad as it seems. And life is not fair, so forget fair.

Yes, you had a shock coming to USA, and expecting streets paved in gold with money tree in back yard, but....

No matter what happens, you are responsible for your REACTIONS to the world around you. No one is responsible for your happiness but you.

Remember, in LIFE, pain is inevitable, BUT misery is an option.

Good luck, and move forward always, not looking back in the rear view mirror.

Peace and good luck!