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how i forgive my ex-wife

#1 Yahya54


    Senior Member

  • PipPipPipPipPipPip

Posted 23 December 2009 - 11:41 PM

I've been divorced over a year, and we had separated a year before that. My then-wife started an affair with an Airman right after our 2nd child was born. I discovered the affair, by accident, seven months later. A week later she moved out. A week after that, she served me with divorce papers. A year later, our divorce was final. After seeing the effects of our divorce on our older child, I believe that unilateral, adultery-related divorce is nothing short of child abuse. I realize that's a strong position, and many may disagree with me. But what else would you call a deliberate act that causes serious emotional harm to a child? But I digress. Everyone tells me I need to forgive my ex-wife for trashing her family and secretly engaging in adultery with another man (who also was married and who later dumped my ex-wife after getting her pregnant; he then divorced his wife and married another woman -- are you confused yet?) In short, the lives of me and our children have been turned upside down. How am I supposed to forgive her for that? She has absolutely no remorse, no sadness, no feelings whatsoever. She enjoys getting her child support check which goes to anything but our children. She seems to enjoy watching me suffer the forced separation from my children, whom I love and adore more than anything on earth. So -- why and how should I forgive her outrageous and morally bankrupt behavior?
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#2 Chica Yeyé

Chica Yeyé

    Supreme Member

  • Group: Closed
  • Joined: 05 Nov 2006

Posted 23 December 2009 - 11:43 PM

Does not really matter whether you forgive her or not. Best thing is for you to move on, stop obsessing about her and start over. yes.gif
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#3 Done Here

Done Here

    Apa Lo?

Posted 24 December 2009 - 12:00 AM

Moved to: Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits

VJ Moderation

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#4 christeen


    Diamond Member

Posted 24 December 2009 - 12:05 AM

You need to move past it exactly for the sake of your children. Regardless of what she did to you, by harboring this resentment and hatred you have now put yourself in the position of harming your children with your resentment.... Exactly the type of emotional turmoil you accuse your ex of?? The kids are the most important thing, not how YOU feel, it is how THEY feel... And trust me when I say that children sense this bitterness and it will stick with them as they grow older... So do your children a favor and move on for their sake. Show them what real forgiveness is and help to make them better people...

Not saying that you have to forget, but forgiveness is a must. I am sorry that you were hurt and are suffering, however, do not make the children continue to suffer because of what she did...

Edited by christeen, 24 December 2009 - 12:06 AM.

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#5 Danno


    Ancient Member

Posted 24 December 2009 - 12:47 AM

I have always believed saying "I forgive you" someone who has no remorse is like saying "your welcome" to someone who never said "thank you".

I guess it's the "oprah" thing to do... forgive people who have done terrible things .. even though they aren't sorry and I guess, like taking a sugar- pill it cam make you feel better but I save my forgiveness for those who ask for it.

Anyway, I think you will find much more depth if you look at the pain your child has had and ask.... "What part did I play"?

At minimum, you picked a lousy person as his mother own your part in it.. and move on DUDE!
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 "Those people who will not be governed by God 

will be ruled by tyrants." 


 William Penn

#6 Jenn!


    Rude, Clamorous Member

Posted 24 December 2009 - 12:55 PM

How can he move on while this woman is cashing his child support check to use for herself and not his kids? (how do you know that btw?) An keeping him from seeing his children? Unforgiveable.

Her behavior is affecting him and his kids in the present, not just the past.

I don't know how it works legally, but can you arrange it so that your support payments go into a college fund or something?
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#7 Jasman0717


    Iorek Byrnison

Posted 24 December 2009 - 01:12 PM

I hear you. My ex didn't cheat but she was a monster all the same. Everything she did, she did to terrorize me and I did nothing to deserve it other than making the stupid mistake of marrying her because she was pregnant. She withheld access to my daughter for 18 years. Once she moved out of state for 3 years without my permission which was in direct violation of the court certified child custody agreement. I went to the D.A. and they told me they couldn't do anything about it but I better keep paying my child support.

I have been married 4 times and really have a wonderful relationship with my other two exs (yea, why didn't I have that when we were married) but my second wife was just horrible. She used to tell my oldest daughter who lived with us when we were married that her parents didn't care for her or love her. The stinking son molested my daughter and I dind't find out until after we moved out. She told a school councilor and by law had to tell us an file a complaint with Child Support Services.

I can go on and on but my bottom line is I will never forgive that horrible person for what she did to both of my daughters. I hope she burns in hell! mad.gif
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United States & Republic of the Philippines

"Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid." John Wayne

#8 raymaga


    The Joy's in the Ride!!!!!!

Posted 24 December 2009 - 02:03 PM

I totally don't get how the child custody laws work in this country.... my husband too had a daughter from a previous relationship that he was not allowed to see, but he was still required to pay child support. The mother of the child took the child out of state and my husband never got to see the child, but they made sure they got the money from him every single month.

I don't think any parent should have to pay child support if they are denied access to the child.

Are you able to see your children at all?

I'm sorry for what you have gone through, but I agree with a lot of the other previous posters that you need to come to peace with yourself and move on. The way you are feeling will prevent you from having a happy life, which will affect your children's lives.

Best wishes.
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We're NOT lawyers.... just your average folks who had to find their own way!!!!! Anything we post here is simply our own opinions/suggestions/experiences and should not be taken as LAW!!!!

#9 garfield529


    Gold Member

  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPipPip

Posted 24 December 2009 - 02:12 PM

I know how it feels to pay a large portion of your paycheck to someone who may not use every penny to take care of your children...but you just have to block this thought or it will eat at your soul always. My ex ran our divorce process in the manner to get the most child support, but after the fact she is always asking me to take the kids on her days, and I do so because they are my children and love the time with them. I don't think she really needs the amount she gets and feel sick sometimes when I am budgeted for groceries each month and she if off to a concert, or buying new shoes, or complaining that her new laptop is too small...just gotta let it go. If you don't...she wins.
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Nov 6, 2009: "I had breakfast in Korea, lunch in Shanghai, and dinner in Chongqing...now I just need to find a squat toilet..."

K1 completion: 03-10-2010, PINK!!!(well..it's orangish)
POE: Chicago/ORD 05-21-2010
Married: 05-26-2010
AOS completion: 10-28-2010
ROC completion: 05-16-2013

Naturalized: 11-21-2014

#10 Jasman0717


    Iorek Byrnison

Posted 24 December 2009 - 02:25 PM

I know the money I paid to my ex for my daughter certainly didn't go to my daughter except for the basics. Everything else I also bought. I would buy her clothes, school supplies, toys, etc while her mom would be in new dresses and pants, etc. I finally got to start seeing my daughter on a regular basis when she was about 6 but we sure missed out on the bonding when she was a baby. She lives up by Bakersfield now so rarely get to see her but will see her tomorrow.
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United States & Republic of the Philippines

"Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid." John Wayne

#11 Yahya54


    Senior Member

  • PipPipPipPipPipPip

Posted 24 December 2009 - 03:09 PM

thank you guys

i do see my chlidren but i have to( twist her arms) i mean i had to take her to the court to see my kids its sad i did try to forgive her BUT I JUST CANT she cost me too much pain i try to be civel BUT I CAN HELP IT WE DONT TALK and she just told my 4 years son YOU HAVE 2 DAD can you belive that the word just drop my hart im so confiedint of god and i know WHATS GO AROUND COMES AROUND and good did see how much i suffer

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#12 Jasman0717


    Iorek Byrnison

Posted 24 December 2009 - 03:46 PM

QUOTE (yahya54 @ Dec 24 2009, 12:09 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
thank you guys

i do see my chlidren but i have to( twist her arms) i mean i had to take her to the court to see my kids its sad i did try to forgive her BUT I JUST CANT she cost me too much pain i try to be civel BUT I CAN HELP IT WE DONT TALK and she just told my 4 years son YOU HAVE 2 DAD can you belive that the word just drop my hart im so confiedint of god and i know WHATS GO AROUND COMES AROUND and good did see how much i suffer

It can be a real struggle if you missed out on the bonding at an early age. With my oldest I used to sit, hold her on my lap and stare into her eyes for hours. Unfortunately with the young one when I tried that my ex's daughter would come and rip her out of my arms and then I would get yelled at for not being an adult and letting the brat, stinking daugher hold her sister. Ugh! I have a pretty good relationship with the younger one now but it still isn't the same as with the older one because of that bonding that occurred at a young age.
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United States & Republic of the Philippines

"Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid." John Wayne

#13 Darnell


    Wuhan Rocks !

Posted 24 December 2009 - 04:27 PM

If it's a therapist telling you this, and you're not so certain about it - then I suggest you go back to him/her, ask for a reading list.

If it's not a therapist, telling you this, then I strongly suggest you go to a therapist.
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#14 thongd4me


    Solid Gold Member

Posted 24 December 2009 - 08:25 PM

To forgive her doesn't necessarily mean you have to make nice-nice and kiss up to her
and indulge her every whim. It means you recognize she made a choice and that choice
enabled you to be free of her (as a spouse at least) so you should be thankful for her
enabling you to get on with your life.

Forgiveness means release and peace for you, not condoning her bad behavior.

My ex didn't cheat (neither of us did but I eventually moved on after we separated),
but she DID persist in treating me in a very abusive manner. For that she is forgiven
because I have someone much better in my life now.

Edited by thongd4me, 24 December 2009 - 08:29 PM.

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#15 ms_jinga_lala


    Senior Member

  • PipPipPipPipPip

Posted 24 December 2009 - 08:57 PM

If you believe that something is wrong and she is misusing the funds most states will allow you to file a show cause and give you the chance to prove she is not complying with the court order for custody/visitation/child support being used for the benefit of the children etc. She will have to prove you wrong, the burden lies on her.

For your own sake, you do need to move on. This woman obviously was beneath you. She's not even middle class quality. Hate her if you want, but let go of what she did to you because you will find better. She's the one who will wind up suffering in the long run. Somewhere deep down you know that.
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January 2009 - K-1 Denied by the consulate
January 2011 - Moved to India - Yikes!
October 2011 - DCF filing rejected by overzealous employee at the embassy
December 2011 - Tourist visa denied (not surprising)
March 2012 - CR1/IR1 process started
May 1, 2012 - RFE and some of our information was entered into the computer wrong by the CSC

Read about all the shenanigans of my relationship at American Punjaban PI

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