Financial support to my wife's family in the Philippines

[tallcoolone 102]

if she's dedicated how come she gave up looking for work easily?

if she's loyal, sounds to me her loyalty does not lie with you.

Are you sure she did not marry you for your money? OR You did not misrepresent yourself when you visited her in the Philippines and made everybody believe you are rich?

How much was she 'alledgedly' supporting her parents before she met you, perhaps you can send half the amount while she is jobless and then tell her she can send the other half once she gets the job. Salary in PI is not that high, after taxes that might be around $300 only. That means you only need to send $150/month while she is jobless. I know of some of friends of mine in PI who lives and make do with $200/month, that includes rent, utilities, food, and a little entertainment. If they own a house then they will survive with $150/month.

In Asia you are at the least indebted to help your parent-in-laws (mother and father), the extended family is only bonus if you have extra money.

In the end, getting in debt so that the family in the Philippines can live in luxury is a BIG NO NO!!! If you finally go broke, honestly... do you think she'll stay with you?? After all she's only been here less than a year and she's already throwing tantrums about money. Think with your big head not the small one down below.

[FortLaudy 10]

To the OP, this is a burning question I have about American men going to Asia to find wives...

Why not find someone here that's at an equal economic level as you? Has the same or better level of education, work experience, work ethic, budget sense etc... why marry "down" instead of the norm "up"? Why marry someone who is from a family that needs financial support or are poor and sees you as their meal ticket??

Is this an "arrangement" that is often made beforehand in the K1 process? I just don't get this whole situation and trying to understand it... As far as I'm concerned, two people meet and in the process of falling in or out of love they they size each other up as marriage material, taking into account things such as age, looks (for the sake of future offspring and sexual attraction), family background, financial situation, education level etc.

Is it true when marrying certain poor foreign women that, she agrees to do something for you - provide unlimited sex, housekeeping duties etc. in exchange for you sending money to her family back home?

[BrowneyedBeauty 0]

My wife arrived earlier this year from the Philippines and we've gladly sent some money to her family on a few occasions. Now she wants to send amounts that don't fit comfortably into our budget. If I give in, we'll be in financial ruins and if I don't, my wife raises a stink about it. I see this as a serious problem. Has anyone had similar issues - and perhaps some good resolutions?

I'm sorry to hear about that. Your wife has to realize that you are her husband and not her workhorse. If she wants to give more money to her family, then she must work for it. I also understand that you also want to win your wife's good side and not call you "stingy" but then again, you must choose to be firm on your stand and tell her that she has to take care of you guys FIRST so you can take care of the rest of her family later. Don't budge.

My husband and I have spoken about finances a few months after he left for the US. I was aware of some of his business probs and even suggested to him that I would help us by getting a job once i get to be in the US. I was surprised to hear that he wouldn't let me work! Well, he wanted me to work with him in his business (which was great) but I was thinking of another source of income aside from his company's. That way we have two sources of income in case something happens to the other. I guess for him, it was more of paranoia-- he knew that "other guys" would be there when I work outside--but I assured him of my faithfulness to him :-) But this is another story!

Eventually, he changed his mind and allowed me to get work outside when I get to the US... :-)

I hope your wife starts to realize that she has to work her butt off too, not just yours.

[Gilles 4]

I'm not from the PI but I don't understand this -- is this considered to be normal? Do all American men married to Pinay women send money back to the PI on a regular basis? Surely your wife's family survived before you came along? Why are you expected to give them a weekly allowance all of a sudden? ESPECIALLY when you're not a millionaire and it is to your own financial detriment. I'm shocked that your wife would behave in such a childish and petulant manner. Why can't she get a job? If you are you "cheap" if you don't help out, I'd say she's lazy and irresponsible.

I mean it's one thing to send money if there's an emergency or a shortage of funds all of a sudden in a dire situation or Christmas gifts and such-- that's a different thing. I get that. But this is absolutely ridiculous. I would NEVER except my husband to be obligated for my family's upkeep. Ensure she understands how much you make and what your cost of living is--bills, gas, rent, etc. People arriving from poorer countries often have NO idea how HIGH the cost of living is in the U.S. or what the real value of a $ is. $20,000 per annum probably sounds like a ton of money to them.

Money doesn't grow on trees. Things like this make me extremely angry.

Sorry if I butted in where I don't belong.

I am in complete agreement with you. Without mentioning the amounts, she had earlier gone on a crying fit when I said our budget would only allow us to send about 1/5 of what she was hoping to send. Then a few days later, I reiterated that it would be that 1/5 amount. She then said we should just send them nothing and then said our marriage was doomed, that I was stingy, didn't care about her family and threatened to move out. However, she doesn't have much money of her own. I'm going to give her time to settle down and see where she's at in a few days.

It's my impression that the families in the Philippines of the Filipina wives in the USA would be furious with the Filipina wife in the US if they knew she was doing anything to jeopardize their receiving funds from her "US Family". Does anyone share that theory?

[FortLaudy 10]

How long did you know her before you got married? This whole thing is completely absurd... did you agree to this "sending money to her family" before you got married??

Did you know about this aspect of their culture and what you were getting yourself into? Is she much younger than you?

What kind of a stupid arrangement is this and what in return did she offer to do for you for this "money being sent to her family" ?? Well now at least you know where her priorities lie... she came over because she's the familie's cash cow, and you're her ATM... it's the price you pay when you marry a young girl from a poor family... sad to say but sounds to me like some sort of form of prostitution... I don't get why guys/girls do this... marry someone in your league for pete's sake, then these types of ridiculous situations will not occur...

[wizardfitz 13]

@ Gilles: I took your comment about jeopardizing the cash flow as 2 things: 1. she gets in trouble for not making the committed $ she wanted u to send either coz she overextended herself by promising her family this is what she will send OR 2. she gets into trouble with her family coz she p'ed u off about it and u totally refuse to send 1 penny

here is my take: I have plenty of Filipina friends who are married to Americans, they send money to their family yes but its her own money, she works and sends what she has. She does get into "trouble" sometimes when she is not able to send the amount needed due to less hours worked or unexpected bills BUT what she does is borrow from her husband and pay him back. This as far as I know happened only during enrollment periods when school fees needed to be paid. She has been supporting her nieces/nephews through school. But the trouble part isnt where she is excommunited or anything like that, its more like what we call tampo in the Philippines.

What you have to understand is its obvious this woman isnt right in her mind, I would be willing to be bet she only married you to be able to support her family, sad but I most def think true. If this is how it is now, then I would advise you to end this now and not have to go through the AOS at all. By all means let her leave then! To me its just an empty threat to make you do what she wants coz as u say she doesnt have money of her own, where is she going to go and what is she going to send her family?

I am inclined to agree with Shani682! That is why the Philippines is fast becoming one of those fraud prone marriage countries is coz of all these young girls marrying Americans just for ....... well you get the picture. Sorry to sound so brutal and unkind but I have no kind words for this wife of yours! she is a disgrace to our culture!

[trinket 30]

wizardfitz,

I don't get the "trouble" part from the family back home? Being an Asian myself I do understand how close knit families are and the expectations from the child. I would say financially I never had to give a dime of what I earned back in India, but I know there are these norms I had to follow after I got my first salary, like giving sweets or some kind of gift to everyone.

I don't want to judge because everyones situation is different but it does make one think why a family would need $500 or so per month, or why the American husband needs to help everyone in the family, I can understand ailing FIL or MIL but nephews, neices? Isn't it a bit too much.

To the OP-- does your wife know exactly how much you earn and what all the bills you pay? Does she go for grocery shopping alone, where she would know first hand how much her budget is how much she can spend on certain things?

I don't know your situation but reading a lot of similar posts about money matter out here it seems like the young bride lives in oblivion, she has no clue about bank account, budgeting, where and how money is going and seems more and more like the bread winner husband is there to take care of all her needs.

I hope you would sit down with your wife and show her the bills, let her plan at least one month's shopping and other bills, let her know first hand where and how money is being handled. It is a learning and adjusting process and she has to act as a partner not a pampered lil princess.

[chinese_mutt 11]

I'm not from the PI but I don't understand this -- is this considered to be normal? Do all American men married to Pinay women send money back to the PI on a regular basis? Surely your wife's family survived before you came along? Why are you expected to give them a weekly allowance all of a sudden? ESPECIALLY when you're not a millionaire and it is to your own financial detriment. I'm shocked that your wife would behave in such a childish and petulant manner. Why can't she get a job? If you are you "cheap" if you don't help out, I'd say she's lazy and irresponsible.

I mean it's one thing to send money if there's an emergency or a shortage of funds all of a sudden in a dire situation or Christmas gifts and such-- that's a different thing. I get that. But this is absolutely ridiculous. I would NEVER except my husband to be obligated for my family's upkeep. Ensure she understands how much you make and what your cost of living is--bills, gas, rent, etc. People arriving from poorer countries often have NO idea how HIGH the cost of living is in the U.S. or what the real value of a $ is. $20,000 per annum probably sounds like a ton of money to them.

Money doesn't grow on trees. Things like this make me extremely angry.

Sorry if I butted in where I don't belong.

I am in complete agreement with you. Without mentioning the amounts, she had earlier gone on a crying fit when I said our budget would only allow us to send about 1/5 of what she was hoping to send. Then a few days later, I reiterated that it would be that 1/5 amount. She then said we should just send them nothing and then said our marriage was doomed, that I was stingy, didn't care about her family and threatened to move out. However, she doesn't have much money of her own. I'm going to give her time to settle down and see where she's at in a few days.

It's my impression that the families in the Philippines of the Filipina wives in the USA would be furious with the Filipina wife in the US if they knew she was doing anything to jeopardize their receiving funds from her "US Family". Does anyone share that theory?

Your marriage is indeed doomed if you don't start growing the green bucks from your backyard.

Sorry, sounds to me like she did marry your for money. Some women are just bad with budgeting, yours sounds more like a leech. Give them a taste of blood and they'd bleed you out.

The family will only get mad if they are promised a lot. No promises means no expectation. I haven't sent any money back home... not even Christmas gift. An email greeting will be enough for now since I just got here, no job, and preggy. Family back home understands or they can wait for what is not coming. HOWEVER, did she leave any kids back there? Could be the source of anger too if she has a child under the care of the parents.

Edited December 18, 2009 by chinese_mutt

[chinese_mutt 11]

To the OP, this is a burning question I have about American men going to Asia to find wives...

Why not find someone here that's at an equal economic level as you? Has the same or better level of education, work experience, work ethic, budget sense etc... why marry "down" instead of the norm "up"? Why marry someone who is from a family that needs financial support or are poor and sees you as their meal ticket??

Is this an "arrangement" that is often made beforehand in the K1 process? I just don't get this whole situation and trying to understand it... As far as I'm concerned, two people meet and in the process of falling in or out of love they they size each other up as marriage material, taking into account things such as age, looks (for the sake of future offspring and sexual attraction), family background, financial situation, education level etc.

Is it true when marrying certain poor foreign women that, she agrees to do something for you - provide unlimited sex, housekeeping duties etc. in exchange for you sending money to her family back home?

It will be hard to match up income level here and there. The 'great' America can't ever be compared to a third world country. There you gotta have a college degree to work in McDonalds or be a waiter in a fancy restaurant. HERE a high school grad can work his way up to management level. Technically, people back there are more educated (if in papers only) but have less chances of earning a lot of money. HERE, you can forgo college and still make decent wages if you have good head on your shoulder and hard working. It will be like comparing apples and oranges for the purpose of matching each other. Never going to happen.

Sending money is not per se bad. Asians honor their parents/elders by taking care of them. We don't allow our elders to go off to elderly homes to live alone there. We have to give back what we 'owe' them for raising us up. That means providing them money if we cannot serve their needs physically. Sending money becomes bad if it is done in excess to the detriment of another person - in this case the husband. Anything done in excess is bad. It is a matter of culture and honoring your parents. Each family, culture, race have their own family/society dynamics to deal with. Example: the American culture kicks out their kids at age 18 to teach them responsibility. Most likely, they don't financially support their kids to college (kids go and get loans for college education). While in Asia, it is the parent's duty to get their kids to college and provide them financially until they graduate and get work. Both are not in itself wrong, just different.

Do not be too quick to judge. Not all women from poor family runs their husband to debt just to send money home. People who post here are just a fraction of the population who immigrates here. Don't over generalize.

Edited December 19, 2009 by chinese_mutt

[Gilles 4]

@ Gilles: I took your comment about jeopardizing the cash flow as 2 things: 1. she gets in trouble for not making the committed $ she wanted u to send either coz she overextended herself by promising her family this is what she will send OR 2. she gets into trouble with her family coz she p'ed u off about it and u totally refuse to send 1 penny

More of the former, as I am willing to send something.

here is my take: I have plenty of Filipina friends who are married to Americans, they send money to their family yes but its her own money, she works and sends what she has. She does get into "trouble" sometimes when she is not able to send the amount needed due to less hours worked or unexpected bills BUT what she does is borrow from her husband and pay him back. This as far as I know happened only during enrollment periods when school fees needed to be paid. She has been supporting her nieces/nephews through school. But the trouble part isnt where she is excommunited or anything like that, its more like what we call tampo in the Philippines.

My wife isn't willing to do what is required to get a job and has given up on the idea of going to work. She has threatened to leave, but adds if I send her family the amount she wants to send (which will put a strain on our budget), she won't leave. I feel if I give in, she'll get the idea that I can be manipulated to give her what she wants through threats or bribery. So it's important that I put a stop to this now.

What you have to understand is its obvious this woman isnt right in her mind, I would be willing to be bet she only married you to be able to support her family, sad but I most def think true. If this is how it is now, then I would advise you to end this now and not have to go through the AOS at all. By all means let her leave then! To me its just an empty threat to make you do what she wants coz as u say she doesnt have money of her own, where is she going to go and what is she going to send her family?

We've already gone through the AOS process and she has her 2 year green card. She doesn't have more than $400 to her name and she's said she doesn't want to burden her friends. She doesn't even have her drivers license (only has a learning permit) and has threatened to drive one of our cars around. What can I or should I do?

I am inclined to agree with Shani682! That is why the Philippines is fast becoming one of those fraud prone marriage countries is coz of all these young girls marrying Americans just for ....... well you get the picture. Sorry to sound so brutal and unkind but I have no kind words for this wife of yours! she is a disgrace to our culture!

If I give in, then I'm only contributing to making her more of a disgrace to the Philippine culture.

[Chica Yeyé 41]

How long did you know her before you got married? This whole thing is completely absurd... did you agree to this "sending money to her family" before you got married??

Did you know about this aspect of their culture and what you were getting yourself into? Is she much younger than you?

What kind of a stupid arrangement is this and what in return did she offer to do for you for this "money being sent to her family" ?? Well now at least you know where her priorities lie... she came over because she's the familie's cash cow, and you're her ATM... it's the price you pay when you marry a young girl from a poor family... sad to say but sounds to me like some sort of form of prostitution... I don't get why guys/girls do this... marry someone in your league for pete's sake, then these types of ridiculous situations will not occur...

Shani, I like how you think.

To the OP: I concur with most posters, you should sit your wife down and talk budget. And also, talk priorities. After that talk, you will know in your heart if she is in it for the relationship, or she just thought this would increase her family's income. This being marrying you.

[milimelo 4,167]

Gilles,

can't you take your wife around some shopping centers, food stores... and have her apply right there and then? That way she can't say it's hard to get a job - they need workers now and could possibly take her on later or she can get a better job later on.

Money-wise, if you accept her (empty) threats you'll be in for a ride of your life as there are no guarantees she won't start upping the amount every time. Set your foot down and decide once and for all. If you haven't done this before she got here, now's the perfect time. While you're at it - local colleges have financial management (money matters) 101 for new graduates - see if you can get her into one of the classes so she can learn what budgeting, paying bills means.

Regarding the car issue - the only thing I can think of is for you to take all keys (including spare ones) with you every day.

[wizardfitz 13]

Gilles

ok I get a better picture, since AOS is done with then, I would and could only recommend to let her go, DO NOT give in to her demands and if she threatens to leave then so be it, believe it you will be better for it. Since u urself said she hardly has any money to her name then maybe this will motivate her to get a job and send her own money home. u ARE NOT obligated to support her family and thats all there is to it. I have never had my husband send any money to mine and never will. Cut ur losses and get on with ur life.

[chinese_mutt 11]

so.. when are you going to put your foot down?

[ManilaIdaho 2]

I'm not from the PI but I don't understand this -- is this considered to be normal? Do all American men married to Pinay women send money back to the PI on a regular basis? Surely your wife's family survived before you came along? Why are you expected to give them a weekly allowance all of a sudden? ESPECIALLY when you're not a millionaire and it is to your own financial detriment. I'm shocked that your wife would behave in such a childish and petulant manner. Why can't she get a job? If you are you "cheap" if you don't help out, I'd say she's lazy and irresponsible.

I mean it's one thing to send money if there's an emergency or a shortage of funds all of a sudden in a dire situation or Christmas gifts and such-- that's a different thing. I get that. But this is absolutely ridiculous. I would NEVER except my husband to be obligated for my family's upkeep. Ensure she understands how much you make and what your cost of living is--bills, gas, rent, etc. People arriving from poorer countries often have NO idea how HIGH the cost of living is in the U.S. or what the real value of a $ is. $20,000 per annum probably sounds like a ton of money to them.

Money doesn't grow on trees. Things like this make me extremely angry.

Sorry if I butted in where I don't belong.

No.My husband never sent my family money,not even once,we're tight in money ourselves and my family understands this.Even when i was working in a big company back in PI,my family never asked money nor told me to support them.I know how hard it is to live here,I have a seasonal job right now and i help in paying the bills.Maybe the OP's wife is jealous with what she heard about her friends sending money to the Phils that's why she wants to do it also without thinking how much it will hurt their budget.Also,by sending them money regularly,they will not work harder and will just wait every "payday".And maybe her family expects her to send them money since she's now living in the USA and has an american husband whom they think is RICH