I feel really awful and like I'm betraying my feminist instincts, but I really like looking after the house
I mean, I don't think it's my job, and I CERTAINLY don't like going round tidying up after someone who's a pig, but I like having systems, and keeping things clean and tidy, and making sure there's enough of everything, and it's all in the right place, and so on... I even like ironing
which is SO lucky since, according to the list, it's my duty to keep my husband all crackly with starch

Hahaha I was only thinking about how we were going to dish up the chores when I move over... I think we are going to have to invest in a dishwasher though - we bother prefer drying

well, the plan was that I would be a stay at home mommy but that didn't work out so well...

right now I am in the middle of searching for a job... I have one possibly lined up I am just waiting to hear from them...

also we possibly have another car lined up too...

Settling in to living with J wasn't hard at all, which surprised me because I like my alone time and I wasn't sure how having someone else around all the time would be like. But we do well together.

It took me a long time to get used to living here. I like it better now (except for the summers, which are ungodly hot) but I don't think I will ever consider this my home 100%, and that's ok.

I've enjoyed reading this thread too

I've been here just over four months now (I was on a US Military Base in Germany for a couple of years prior) and things are going well. All the better because I was lucky to find a job I love after being here only a few weeks.

I originally had a problem with the way people in the US refer to a third person as 'him' or 'her' when they are in the room. When I was first referred to as 'she' by a friend of my husband's ("did she go sign up for her driver's license yet?") I was so incredibly offended. We have this saying in the UK which I am reminded of every time I hear that going on, "who's she, the cat's mother??".. funny.

Like someone who posted earlier, I found it odd to say 'uh huh' after someone thanks me, instead of 'you're welcome' or 'my pleasure'... but I've started doing it now. I also found it odd to say excuse me to ask someone to excuse me for walking in front of them. In England I'd only use 'excuse me' to ask someone to get out of my way.

I know someone wanted to know about the embarrassments! This was more funny than embarrassing really, but I thought I would share. I have a whiteboard outside my office at work where I keep track of orders next to ship. Someone in the main office yelled through that there was a duplicate on my board, and I asked him (at the top of my voice, albeit very politely) if he would mind rubbing one out.... lol.

Nope I don´t have a job yet since I didn´t get the EAD stamp but I already applied for it and it looks like the waiting period for that is about 60 days or so which doesn´t sound too bad. It´s gonna be interesting looking for a job once I get EAD


I like the dryers better than ironing The stuff is nice, fluffy and warm


Hehe I don´t do drying usually...I just let it drip

Good luck with the driving

It´s like I read on some other thread...the guy was giving advice on what to do prior to your wife´s/fiancé´s arrival...he suggested not to do anything cuz she will change things how she wants them and reorganize everything anyway

Sorry to hear about that...hopefully it will still work out

Good luck with the job search I am sure it will chear you up when you get to hang around other people It´s amazing what joy can people bring to other people´s lives

Texas summers? It´s great that you settled in fine Why do you think you won´t consider it your home 100%? I guess I am too flexible or too adaptable or something...I don´t know about USA but the place where we live together, even the city feels like home already...I don´t consider USA to be home yet though.. That´s too soon for that. But maybe that will come with time...I would assume that when I actually give something to the country - from me - doesn´t necessesarily have to mean the tax money, then I can start feeling more like it´s also home

Hehe well it didn´t happen to me in this way, but once it happened that I was actually asking something a person (a clerk) and there was Scott standing there with me and the clerk actually started answering and talking to Scott instead of to me and although I originally asked the question he started reffering to me as "she has to do this or she has to do that" or something like that. I considered that pretty rude but didn´t bother commenting on it...was just glad the thing got solved
Then some other time I used this "she" word while talking about a person in the room and they noticed it too...so I guess it´s not that it´s common here. Maybe it just happens sometimes that a person says it like that unintentionally Or maybe it varies state by state The cat´s mother Pretty funny
Now don´t learn the rude manners here lady Stick to your polite ways, I am sure someone nice will appreciate them

Rub my neck of course Don´t want it to get stiff or something
Actually you really won´t find me wondering about what I should be doing too often. I have so much stuff in my head that I want to do that a day isn´t long enough for that. It´s not just work around the house or outside of the house. It´s different activities, I have a lot of hobbies, I like helping people when they need something. But when my Mom asks me what I keep doing all the time I say I dunno, I am always doing something It´s like I do things and don´t keep track of them. So then I have to sit down and think about what I actually did the whole time so I can actually tell her something

As the USC I really wanted to make my new hubby (3 yrs married now) feel welcome and at home here. I had to admit we had a really difficult time with him adjusting from his English culture to being around the American culture. I would always ask him if there was something I could do to help him make this transition but would often get told there was nothing I could do.

This left me depressed and sad at times that I could not offer my new husband some form of relief or adjustment help. Looking back at those early days of our marriage I saw myself many times wondering if I had made a grave mistake. I just couldnt understand the hardship he was having adjusting to the USA. I really felt I was putting forth an effort to help him adjust by making English dishes (when possible) and doing things he liked to do in England. I even tried to get him to make friends and go out and have fun.........all to no avail..........I think he was depressed and I was depressed as well. What really made matters worse is I gave birth to our daughter and I think I was experiencing postpartum depression on top of everything else.

I think one area of adjustment issues with him was the fact that I had 3 children from a previous marriage and we had one child of our own. He had no children in England other than being around his niece and nephew. He saw them as perfect with doing no wrong and never misbehaving......my children he viewed as rugrats with no real dicipline behind them. So began the battle of parenthood.......his idea of correcting the children and mine. Then he went through a stage where he thought I was letting him do to much of the disciplining......which confused me a bit because I was under the impression that was what he was wanting to do.....lol.

Anyway, looking back and comparing now verses then Id have to say we had alot going on when we got married. We had the stress of INS paperwork, a wedding, instant parenthood for him when he wasnt used to being around children, then I had a baby from him, him not having a job and not really wanting one at first I dont think lol.

It was just too much to quick for him I think. He went from a quite home to a chaotic home full of children, dogs and a cat. I think it was a huge adjustment for him and myself. We have come a long way now (3 yrs later) although we do still hit bumps in the road with what I like to call "culture clashes" and his temper lol.

I try to put myself in his position and wonder how I would feel if I left my only country of origin to move to a new place. I wonder if I would like it
or end up despising it.........its hard to say I think.......I LOVE England and enjoyed many aspects of it and I would love to move there someday but Im sure Id miss being here just as my husband misses his home country.

I think its a difficult adjustment for anyone to go through whether coming to the US or a USC going abroad.

Sharri

Sharri,

I think you hit a major point and it's that the change not only affects the person immigrating to the US but the USC as well. I know it did affect me in more ways than I thought possible and no matter how much I wanted to fix things or make them better, it was of no use. It's a process that needs a lot of patience and a lot of understanding to go through.

Diana

mmm Chola on 58th street between 2nd and 3rd in manhattan...if you haven't gone, you must try the lunch buffet!!!

my fiance has been here for just over two weeks. needless to say, there is still A LOT of adjusting that needs to happen. the hardest thing so far is the language. if he spoke english i think things would be a lot easier for him (ie: finding a job, being able to find his way around). he is beginning english classes on monday though, and i am very excited for him. i am glad that we live in nyc because i think that makes the transition a bit easier than living out in the sticks where there are no immigrants and no other albanians. we will be moving in a few months to indiana, and that is when i think it will get even harder for him. we went to an albanian party on friday night, and i made it very clear to him that these sorts of things will NOT be happening in indiana lol. living there will be an adjustment for me too though.

its very hard to explain to someone that we do not use the same unit of measure as everyone else. the other day we were in the car and he asked me why my sister doesnt drive faster, he was like 'shes only going 40?!?!' he looked at the speedometer and thought that she was going 40 km/hr, and i had to try to explain to him that she was really going like 80 km/hr because of the whole 'miles' thing. i still dont think he understands. nevermind gallons and what not.

Hello,

Have been reading this thread through.....so nice to hear that difficulties in the transition are a common (and expected) thing.

I'm posting under a new profile, just to protect my hubby's feelings and keep it anonymous. But, I need some help! Maybe some VJer's who've been through this can help me believe that things will get better?!

I'm the USC; my husband is Eastern European, and came here for the 1st time ever just 5 months ago; and we are hitting the interpersonal cultural shock really hard lately. I knew it would be hard; but I didn't know HOW hard. My main problem is that I'm working/providing for us (he just got the EAD and a menial job); taking 100% care of our home/housework/bills; and also trying to cope with his adjustments--it's like having a child, instead of a partner sometimes! I'm overwhelmed and tired and have a hard time being gracious when he insists on his opinions being always right. Does anyone else feel this way???

Another problem we have is social embarrassment. How do I deal with this? I am proud of my hubby and his tremendous efforts with his English; however, he has NOT picked up on appropriate social cues yet......he brings up controversial subjects and argues them to the death with my friends/family; he states his opinions/beliefs too strongly; and sometimes monopolizes conversations with people by talking (slowly) for extended time periods without allowing them to say anything.

He already faces discouragement and adjustment in EVERY area of his new life here; so I don't want to beat him down or constantly criticize him. But I also want to help him fit in a bit better and give a good impression to others. (part of the reason for him getting a menial job, I feel, was his presentation. He's degreed and could do better, but can't present him well enough for serious employers to consider his potential). So anyway, any words of wisdom??

I'm trying to hang in there; but I'm having serious feelings of doubt and niggling wishes that I'd married American. I feel guilty for this because I love my husband and he is very loving and kind to me. He deserves a wife 100% on board with him.....but I feel like he's floundering right now and so far my attempts to help, aren't helping!

Abby,

Welcome to the club. I think a few of us talked about this in a different thread, so don't feel you're all alone. It's very hard on us the USCs as well, and I can't speak for every of course. To be honest with you I think you need to talk with him about the stuff that bothers you, and do it in a way that he doesn't think you're criticizing him because in your head, it'll get bigger and bigger and bigger and it will become a huge issue eventually. Trust me, it's already happened to me many times since my husband got here.

The other thing is that you have to deal with the consequences and embrace them. It's mainly about you and your husband and not about what other people think. You knew you had to provide for the both of you from the beginning and he won't be able to provide as much as you since he just got here. So that is something you have accept. Same with the language and culture issues. But he also has to understand that he can't impose his issues and points of view on everybody else. It's a two way street and it's very hard for them to understand that they have to change once they get here or it won't work out.

Diana

I agree with Mononoke. I also will say that there were times when I thought "why didn't I just find someone local." I'd think that b/c of the stress, but then I'd remember how alone I'd felt with past boyfriends. Even during our long distance relationship, I always felt that he was with me. It might help to look at pictures from before he moved in to remind yourself of why you both decided to go through this. Of course it's still difficult sometimes and that's just the way it is. You don't have to feel bad for being human. Choosing this relationship means that sometimes things will be more difficult but it also means that other parts will be that much more amazing.
The first year was definitely the hardest for us. We had sincere conversations about packing up and moving us both to Mexico.
One of the doctors I worked with before we got married gave me the advice that there will be times in the marriage that the marriage will be less about love and all about unity. He said to stick with the unity during those times and you'd get back to a better place.
That helped me in times like these.

I wish you smoother sailing.

That is great advice, I really like that.

It's hard to realize that what you had before felt more of a dream than a reality and once you face reality is not as pretty as you thought it would be. Also, don't feel bad if every now and then you feel like a mother with him. It's normal, very normal since we're the ones who are in charge most of the time and they feel like lost puppies when they get here. If you accept this and realize that it's only temporary, I can assure you that things will get better.

Diana

I appreciate the advice and reassurance. I keep trying to imagine myself starting anew in his country, and how lost I would feel and act. So, I know it's temporary. I just have to keep reminding myself of all he's given up to come and be here with me--that's proof enough of his love.

Thanks for helping me through a really blue day!

I would like to share here my new life for six months now. With my husband I am adjusting very well. We have not argued or anything . My only adjustment is the getting around and being stuck at home most of the time while he is working. I am not confident to drive yet and so I enrolled in a Driver's Ed for a week and will have my behind the wheels this coming Monday through Wednesday. Since we live from the school and my husband has to work the next day we stayed in a motel nearby . My husband asked me to take a taxi to go to school but I tried not to by simply walking across a two way lane with all those cars running so fast.. It was really scary so the next day I finally took a taxi I was having fun in school with all 15-17 yrs old kids and I was the only filipina there and old as well .. Anyway, I just wish that I have learned to drive earlier it would have been different. I am also looking for a job and was considering teaching but being with those kids for 5 days ... i don't know if I will..

One thing I am looking forward for now is my driving behind the wheels and our Florida vacation next week.

God bless to us all..



RIZa

Can't believe i just read through all 9 pages of posts! all of this stuff is so interesting.. and i will definately keep a lot of this in mind when we move.. i am the usc.. my husband from the uk.. and we're moving back to the US.. he isn't worried at all about the differencesin culture and strongly believes he should have been born an american after spending 3 weeks or so on 5 or so different occasions.. lol.. so we dont think that part will be hard for him.. but i still worry.. I know i am not 100% happy over here...he knows it.. so its almost as if this is our last place to try! lol.. i hope it all goes well.. and that he is going to adjust to it as well as he thinks he is.. everything is so rush rush hurry hurry over here.. back at home where we will be going is more laid back.. go at your own pace.. obviously not if you're at work.. but like.. sometimes you have the whole grocery store to yourself kind of thing.. lol.. where as here you're lucky if you find a parking spot! we're just waiting on an interview date! can't wait.. (i've rambled but i think thats okay! lol)

Crystal

Hi Crystal Where abouts do you live there? London or countryside? I never thought of UK being a rush rush hurry hurry country. Except the capital perhaps. But capital cities are capital cities...they are usually rush rush hurry hurry Good luck with your interview Then let us know how your husband is doing in USA after you move

I've been here for a year now and I can honestly say that I am still adjusting to a lot of things.

I have had very good and bad experiences but one thing that really gets me is having to work for mean, verbally abusive superiors!! To think that they have their master's degree and PhD's...

I think I'd just vented.. Thanks

Better stay away from those people...it´s never fun spending days around those

How long is the adjustment process.....Well, let's see, today is DAY #700...........

I think your husband´s day is somewhere around number 682 since his POE was in June But maybe I´m just counting it wrong

It's been a year and a month now. Not too long ago I posted the above. Well, things seem to change drastically since then.

Those abusive co-workers, most especially the big boss, start to treat me with great respect. So much respect that he is mentoring me closely but this time, with kind words and praises. He even shares his lunch with me which I am not comfortable about.

This is totally a shock. A person could not change overnight, could they?

Anyway, with all other things, I can say I am finally out of my shell enjoying my american life. If that's how you'd call it.

I think I finally found myself comfortable living in the US, for the first time. It feels like my eyes are re-opened and I start to appreciate what life has to offer at the moment. I complain less and less everyday. I can now easily accept that it's okay to make mistakes once in a while. After all, I have a good excuse-I'm new to the country. I can now confidently do things or transact without my husband's help. I'm more happy with the growing confidence in my decision-making. People seem to respond better to me and I am starting to make really good friends. I don't struggle too much in conversations. Even my thinking process changed.

Adjusting is an everday struggle and I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring but the difference now is that I am more open to the changes, and more understanding why things have to happen in the first place.

I don´t have to be the one to tell you that vacations are not the same as actually living somewhere. Hopefully, it goes well anyway.

It seems we are at the end of US bureaucracy road for a bit. My husband takes his drive test the day after Memorial Day. He has been trying to get a license since November (thanks, CVP), so it is a big event. Of course, where one ends, another begins. My husband´s passport is up for renewal and because of changes in the law, he actually has to be present at the German embassy to do this for biometrics. No more mail-in, tsk. Closest is in Chicago, so this passport is going to cost a lot more than the 80 or whatever euros quoted on the website. As soon as that is done some time next month, I guess that is it from either government until early 2010.

My husband recently was offered a paid position at the place he has been volunteering at for the past 6 months, recycling and rebuilding computers and high end electronics for donation, sale, or scrap. That is supposed to start next week. I think the next thing he wants to do is get an N+, Server+, and MCP certification in addition to the A+ he got back in February. It turns out that CompTIA decided not to get rid of N+. Got me.

Besides the fact that our cars are garbage and public transport is a joke here, it is going alright for now.



That is good to hear! I am glad things are going better for you.

lol.. Yes he is very aware it is going to be different! But he is convinced that he is going to like it better over there.. The only thing he is worried about is working in a different country.. But honestly.. considering i'm from a small town.. the accent will give him a head up on everyone else! lol.. and he's very intelligent so its just all him getting used to it.. i'm sure he'll be fine.. but we'll see :-)