OK my husband has a friend who is an immigrant too and they became very chummy. This friend in turn introduced my husband to other immigrants from my husband's native country. My husband and this friend hang out every Friday and this allows me to hang out with my friends as well when he goes out with this friend.


Well, a few weeks ago my husband stopped going out with this friend and I asked why? He then informed me that this friend had taken him over to his girlfriend's house(the friend is newly married) and he did not feel comfortable with that and morally he did not agree and neither did I!


I then told my husband that he needed to make it crystal clear to that friend that he did not approve and to not put him in that situation ever again! Then I said that staying friends with him was his choice and I respected his judgment.


OK fast forward to last night. I am talking with my husband and he tells me that this friend said that man your wife is cool! and at the time I didn't think anything of it really. So later that night in bed I thought what if this friend thinks I somehow agree with what he did? I don't and I don't condone his behavior and neither does my husband! So now I am feeling like maybe I under-reacted to the initial information. I just did not want my husband to burn bridges and or cut off an outlet for both of us to have "away" time.

So, what you're actually upset about is your husband hanging out with that guy? (Because who really cares what he says about you.) IMHO, it's best to stay out of the love lives of your friends, but they have a responsibility to not put you in an uncomfortable position. If you know his wife, he needs to understand that you and your husband can't lie to her for him. Other than that, it's other folks' business.

I think you are doing just fine. There is nothing wrong with speaking your mind EVER!

When my husband was my fiance, he had this friend (Neil) who was dating a girl who just happened to live a few miles from my house. I met her one day when I was delivering something to Neil for her. Fast forward a few months and we are celebrating New Year's Eve at a swimming party. Neil is all over this girl he just met. I pulled him aside and said you are my friend through Andre and you drug me into being a friend of your girl's by initiating and allowing contact to continue between us for your own gain. I like her a lot. You will not cheat on her when I am around. If you must, I never want to know about it. I don't agree with it and I won't pretend I do.

My husband has always known my feelings on this issue. His own moral compass guides him same way.

Recently, he met a nice fellow Jamaican guy at a social event. All went well and it looked like they might investigate a friendship. Then, the guy opened his mouth and said he was leaving his wife as soon as he got his green card. That was it......Andre said no thank you to any further contact.

I wouldn't like my husband hanging out with people like that. Bad influence. But I wouldn't forbid him to do so. His friends is his choice.
Even thought you told him it was ok you're allowed to change your mind. Just talk to him and tell him how you feel. It'll be his choice to continue the friendship or not, but at least he'll know you're not comfortable with it.

You're over-analyzing things.

Relax. Maybe his wife is ok with his having a girlfriend, did you ever consider that?

I am not here to judge my fiancée's friends. I don't judge my own friends either. My friends have to live with their choices, not me. I concern myself with my morals and the actions within my family.

You can be a friend to someone without liking their behavior or the choices they make. I had a friend who cheated on her husband less than a year after they were married (I was her maid of honor), and I thought what she was doing was crappy and cowardly. She had wanted the fairy tale wedding to the guy who worshipped the ground she walked on, and she got it, but what she didn't think about was that it was the real deal and this was going to be forever. Well it wasn't and they divorced a few years later and she eventually married the other guy. At the time we remained friends and I let her know that I thought it wasn't right that she was cheating, that I'd never lie for her but that she ultimately had to make her own choice. We drifted apart, so I don't know if she's still married to the other guy...she probably is.

But anyway... I don't think it's necessary to break ties with someone because they are making some poor decisions. I guess it also depends on how close you are to the person. Where would many of us be if a friend dumped us because of a bad life choice?

How far would you go with this? If your best friend was a rapist? A murder? A child molester? All poor decisions. Do you draw the line at all?

How about this scenario.......my husband wants to hang out at the park with some new "friends" he made. They are drug dealers. Do I go along with it or do I voice my opinion? Well, let's see....he's an immigrant with a 2 year conditional green card. I don't care what anyone thinks.....I say it's a bad idea to be associated with drug dealers. His immigration status could very well hinge on a drug related conviction.

I'm sorry; but my friends do reflect my morals and characters. Sure, they all have problems, just as I do. And, we all make bad choices. But, if they are not somewhat similar to me, no, I can't be their friend.

You cannot control someone.....forbid them, as someone said. But, you can point out the obvious and talk about your concerns.

Cheating is not even remotely in the same category as these offenses you have named. These serious crimes are a little more than "poor decisions". My fiancée and I both have friends that have cheated on their spouses. We don't agree with their decisions, but we aren't going to stop being their friend because of it. Of course, most people draw the line somewhere.

Thank you Kazan Tiger... I should have known someone would jump all over this. No, I don't put drug dealing, rape, child molesting, or murder in the same category. I would think THAT would be evident... but I guess not... *sigh*

But I guess it's easy if you have perfect friends...

Talk to your husband. Less "thinking", more "airing".
Personally, and I know I am in the minority, I don't understand boys and girls nights out. My ex and our son did everything together. I know my fiance is looking forward to learning to dance and I am looking forward to learning to dance and I bet her 7 year old daughter will............learn to dance also. And we will ALL go dancing together. In fact, I pity the young man that wants to date our daughter and doesn't dance. gonna be a long night sitting on the sidelines for him.....
When I hear guys/girls night out...I flash to bachelor/bachlorette party visions...too much temptation, not enough restraint.
What are you guys doing together? What couples type activities?? Dance!!

Whoaaaaaaaaa....way to go right off the subject in hand

If you can't go out and NOT feel temptation, something is wrong....

Why should couples have to give up hobbies, sports, and other activities once they get married?

My husband shouldn't have boys cards night (with mostly other married men), he shouldn't play football, I shouldn't have my book club, or monthly afternoon tea with other married women, etc, etc, etc? What if I don't want to see the blow-em-up movie that he wants to or if he doesn't want to see the chick flick that I want to? I can honestly say I don't walk out the door and feel temptation from the first good looking guy that passes by...

Well, in regards to this statement............

But anyway... I don't think it's necessary to break ties with someone because they are making some poor decisions. I guess it also depends on how close you are to the person. Where would many of us be if a friend dumped us because of a bad life choice?


Bad life choices means more then just cheating. All I asked was where do you draw the line on what is just a bad life choice and what is unforgivable as far as friendship goes? Where do you choose to judge someone else. That's what I'm asking.

My ex best friend was the same way. Not only did she cheat on him but she got pregnant and had a few kids that were not his. As far as I know he probably still thinks they are all his children. I haven't talked to her in several years but I did hear they got divorced.

I'll let you know when I find those perfect friends.

I wouldn't be happy if my husband's married friend took him to meet his girlfriend (and if the shoe were on the other foot, I know my husband would feel the same way). But it's not my place to pick his friends. In this case, though, if such a friend told him that I was "cool," I have a feeling he would spend less time around him in the future. In other words, if I did nothing, I think the situation would resolve itself. If I protested the continued friendship, my husband might feel smothered. He's an adult.

I know the talk about criminal acts was tangential. But in that case, without even a 2-year card yet, I would certainly speak up if I thought my husband were spending time with someone who could drag him into even the most minor legal trouble. Don't care if that made me look like a mother hen or not.

The difference between the two situations is that I trust my husband, I know he has a conscience, and I know his friend's behavior with women would not rub off on him, but a person can be implicated in something illegal just by being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

You are mixing two different scenarios though. In the instance of something criminal, I'd have to say that if a really close friend (and I can't even imagine this happening), was ACCUSED of committing a serious crime, I'd have to wait until all of the facts were in. If they had done whatever they were accused of, then, I couldn't continue a relationship.

If I had a friend who did something less serious, and got caught...say like shoplifting, or getting into a fight in a bar, I'd have to say I'd stand by them until they worked out whatever it was that was causing them to do it. If they didn't want to change that behavior (they wanted to keep stealing or fighting in bars), or didn't want to even try, then I'd have to say...bye, bye.

Drug taking....depends...

As far as Stacey's ex friend who let her husband think another man's children were his...I couldn't go along with that, because that's a "helping her lie" situation. That I won't do.

I find it hard to judge someone when I've made stupid mistakes in my life and I've had friends that didn't just up and leave me.

VJ Sheesh.

Can't anyone make up their own mind up (as you did pre-internetz), instead of polling strangers on the internet?

Your husband is a grown man - and a huge factor in marriage is trust, no?

I don't see the problem...

polling strangers can get you a wide range of opinions, perhaps many you hadn't even thought about.

why does it bug you so much?

I'm not bothered, I find it pretty sad actually.

I don't like the part of him taking your husband to his girlfriends house- that's not such a good thing.

I probably wouldn't be too excited about Hicham hanging out with people like that.

easy....don't participate...

Hmmm, it IS a PUBLIC message board..surely dissenters are allowed?

Easier said than done for some people apparently.

LOL

oooh, it's a clique poll! How novel.

anywaaaay...

not directed at you, but this sticks out to me and I've seen it a few times...

I understand not wanting a spouse hanging out with someone you feel is "less than desirable", but if the spouse does want to maintain the friendship, why do people always say they are worried about bad influence, or temptation? Shouldn't trust be 100% there regardless? If you can't trust a spouse to do the right thing...who can you trust?

Again, not directed at you Sarah

oooh, where...give us the link....

is it wrong that I don't want my hubby to hang around people who smoke?? it tempts him to smoke too...

but I guess I can't tell him to stay away from his brothers he does fine without smoking and then he spends some time with his brothers and he starts smoking again... it is driving me crazy... maybe I should have a talk with his brothers and tell them not to give my hubby any smokes

I am not woried about the influence or temptation personally. If I stopped being friends with someone who cheated on their spouse it would be because I wouldnt' want to hear about it and I probably wouln't agree with their decisions and would see no reason to be best friends with someone who makes choices that I would never make.

I voted for calling it under-reaction.

Cheating isn't illegal, and I also don't think it's the sort of thing that one is likely to start doing because a friend is. But this seems to be bothering you, so maybe you should talk it out with your husband.

If I was on friendly terms with both the friend and his wife, it would bother me to have him bring his mistress around when we are hanging out. I'd probably ask him aside what the deal is, let him know how I feel about it, maybe even let him know how my wife thinks about it and then leave it at that. I'd probably also decline invitations to hang out with him when he's with her, since she isn't my friend and developing a friendship with his mistress, IMO, would be an insult to my friendship with his wife if she is unaware of the affair. As Alex said, don't bring me in on the lie.

Thanks for the productive responses. There's a great deal of good insight here. IMHO, it never hurts to get an objective take on things.

and no one does sister fracas..i am not in control of my wife's life or her choices in friends..hell, i cannot even control my life allot of the time

You are a BAD friend Steven...... kidding.

I've had friends who didn't necessarily make the wisest decisions but that didn't mean I refused to be friends with them. As long as what they were doing wasn't causing me, my family or others harm, I could still be friends with them. If they were harming themselves, as a friend I would say something to them, but ultimately it's up to them.

Cheating can hurt people, yes, but if this man is a good friend to your husband, I suggest letting him make the decision for himself.

I had a really hard time dealing with what she was doing- I kept myself busy dealing with my own life and trying to distance myself from the Jerry Springer episode that her life was. I did adore those kids though. That was the toughest part of ending that friendship.

I actually just found out some shocking news- an old friend from school just sent me an email tonight. The ex husband of my ex best friend has just died. His funeral is tomorrow. I am stunned.

Don't be kidding - he is a bad friend. Bros before hoes, Steven. Bros before hoes.

Pretty cool poll JODO, I'm right there with you.