Wow! I am going to remember this. Well said!!

Very sound advice Bensagin and Mrs Jibowu. Too many times we as women will settle for anyman that got something big between their legs, or any man that wanna spend some time with us, and will allow this man to move in our homes over looking the fact that he don't have a J O B. Only to wake up later to find that while were out there butsting our butts at work he's laying up in our bed with another male or female.....lol ( Lot's of closet gay men out there now-a-days )

It a women that raises a male child and in many cases the father isn't around for that child. There's only so much a women can teach a male child but honestly i ( I don't know the numbers ) but I think most sons raised by single women mature faster, r more mature, and many go on to Graduate a Unniversity or trade school.

Now for some of these men that like to lay-up on a women and have nothing to offer her but sex, I don't know what they may of experienced in their rearing that they think it's Acceptable. Nor for the men that will sit around and wait for that women to be paid, nor for the man that will fix his mouth to ask for money.

Solid point spoken by Bensangin, if these men have money to sit and chat all day, they must not be workin, or that is their job, to sit on the internet and tell us vulnerable women how much they love us only to have some kind of crisis happen to them there and we find ourselves running to western union ( after all that's the honorable thing to do - NOT )

For those of us that have been to Nigeria or any other third world country , we see why people would want to leave and come into the land of milk and honey, but if think for one minute that these same individuals r gonna stay with u and be so greatful towards you for getting them out of their country you can for get it, unless ofcourse you met one that really did love you.

Again as Mrs J and Bensangin said now-a-days you don't even have to leave your house to be scammed more and more countrys r expanding in the internet and more and more people find themseelves be used as a result of internet chatting or meeting someone thru the personals ads. Now-a-days you don't know what your getting, For u, you think your in love and for the person typing all this love stuff he or she may mean it or they may be scamming u.


I totally agree that people need to really get to know their potential mate, cause that excuse of a culture clash is the weakest excuse for abandonment of marriage. We all went into the relationship open to learning a different culture, and like my relationship we talked about the cultural differences and how we were gonna be open to our differences. Well once my ex got here and got me to file adjustment all that talk of communication and understanding was out the door. He became a complete stranger. So I again agree that running to a Foreign country and spending a few weeks there isn't enough time to really know someone or their intentions.

At the end of the day we r all grown responsible people, so who we marry, and how we marry r usually up to us, as is the consequenses for our decisions.

Again it's a women that raises a male usually, I don't know the percentage of men that use women I wonder if it's greater then the type of man a women would want to be their life partner becasue of all the good they do.

Okay so I guess your post was intended for me. If so, they way u choose to receive my post is just that. I'm not bitter, who r u to call me bitter what kind of degrees do u hold in counseling. Girl u need to checj your self. Like we have said many times if the shoe fits put it on, it it don't leave it, it's not yours.

You must have dought in your relationship to perceive my words as bitter and what ever else u said. Who made u the analizer and commentator of my writings.

As I respect what u have to say I ask that u do the same toward my postings.

MAY LAST POST IS FOR ZAINAB

I don't know what qualifies a person as an "old head" but, I'm still around. I am not surprised by what I am reading. In some ways, I wonder what kind of people are behind the stories. There had to have been more than one failed relationship in your lives. I don't understand what the bible has to do with all of this turmoil, if you had trusted God in the first place, you definately wouldn't be writing this. Don't be religious. Meaning, don't just speak it, live it. It's easy to quote, Muslims and other sects can quote the Bible.
From what I have read, the original poster was having some privacy issues with her husband. Why did it spiral into this nasty Nigerian men, who takes care of who...for lack of a better word....intervention.
If a woman decides that her "man" should pay the bills, take care of her, shovel the snow, wash the car ect, ect, if I am understanding right, that means you are being taken care of, because that is HIS duty. BUT if a man feels that way, then he is a scammer...lol.
What about these glamourous American men? Living it up with another woman while his ex has to hunt him down for child support. And what about the Nigerian women? Watching one Nigerian man after the other marry an American women who after-the fact decide that he is not "good" enough. With the stereotypes that most Nigerian women have about us American women becoming more and more true everytime a marriage fails.
Our marriages don't have to fail. We live in a gimme gimme society, and live in double standards. He can take care of me, but I WONT take care of HIM. Double standard.
I am raising a house full of young men, and I'll be damned if I teach them to take care of some woman without recompense. Working hard, and for what, what about her loving you enough that you shouldnt be the only one doing all the work. What about a man feeling fulfilled when he gets home, and vice versa. What about LOVE. Damn the take care of me, take care of yourself, and when you marry take care of each OTHER.

If you are not compatible, that is an understanding you should get before you marry him/her.
I know quite a few Nigerian men. Loving men, taking very good care of their wives, AND their children AND her children. Not the green card loving men you are dipicting here. If you have found one, then 9 times out of 10, you would have found the same kind of man from any nation or creed. Women tend to find the same man in a different package without realizing it.
As far as the original poster, Heather...live YOUR life, and do what you feel is neccessary for your marriage.
Can you fathom in your minds, that just because a marriage falls apart, that doesn't mean you have to demonize the other person. Wow, I can only imagine what response these men would have if they could give a response to some of this uncontrollable Nigerian bashing.

Well said!
and I expect to be spoiled rotten when he gets here! j/k
Lisa

"Old Head" is just a term that we used quite frequently among African American fraternities and sororities back in my college days. Merely a slang for referring to upper classmen and folks who had been around a while. Guess I'm kinda telling off my age. Anyway, point taken. I'm going to leave you with many blessings for MANY HAPPY and productive marriages and relationships. Put God first, your spouse second, and yourself last and you will be successful GUARANTEED!!!!!!!! Peace out people.

P.S. I'm done posting, but ladies who have contacted me, you know how to reach me and may still do so. I am still going to be my "brother's keeper".

I am sorry you did not find my chosen passages helpful. I spent time thinking and looking up scripture that I thought might help women who needed assistance. I am please to announce that I received two private messages from women with an immense amount of gratitude for my post. They were too ashamed to post their personal stories, because they are still going through the pain and suffering of their experience. I was glad I took the time to share in this post.



My posts were to support women who felt attacked my naysayers too. I want them to walk in faith.

If you took the time to read my posts thoroughly, you would realize that I did have failed relationships with men as stated in my message. That is why am here to post my experiences and provide my advice without attacking anyone’s beliefs, values, or race. My experiences were blessings from God. If I do not share them, I will not be doing god's work.




If you read the posts thoroughly, you would have realized I said that already.



Thank you for taking the time to assist us “newbie’s” with your experiences and joy from your experiences. Your story will affirm those to continue on with their journey they started. We all need to share the good, the bad, and the ugly, without attacking people’s religion, race, or creed.



Amen

I'm definately not attacking anyone's religion. Just realize that everyone is not a Christian, especially if you are married to a "Nigerian".
I just don't understand the male bashing, it's of low character to me.
My suggestion to all "newbies" is this, take the time to actually get to know the person you are dating. It's not possible to do that unless you take the time to understand his CULTURE.
Why not research his tribe, not just how much money he is making.
Saying Nigerian as a generalization is not acceptable. You know less than 1% of the population. Nigerians are not just Lagos and the immediate surrounding cities. Get a map of Nigeria and take a look at all the Scammers you are portraying here.
Do you realize that alot of men have to go "find" family members to stand in for their real parents in order to marry an American.That's because there are tales of American women who demoralize their spouses,treat them like property, and not allow the man to flourish as a person. Boss them around and them threaten to send them back home when they arent complying. Alot of men risk getting disowned from their families, it'sd all too sad.
Beleive me, it's not an opinion.
If you want to talk about the downfalls of Nigerians, talk about the counterparts as well. How can it be ALL his fault? Is that even possible? It takes 2 to tangle. I can give you more than 5 instances where the USC is a hot mess, and then blame the non-USC. Believe it.

Reading (some) of your posts would suggest that Nigerians are always at fault, that's not so.
I have a loving family both here and in Nigeria. Wonderful friends, I feel like I should defend them because I know better.
Nigeria is full of smart, resourceful people. Why aren't any of them mentioned here? That's because they aren't online trying to find women. And from what I'm reading there are alot of women to be found.
Who goes to meet someone and be unsure of who they are? It's just as bad here, people meet online, the woman/man gets murdered...come on, take precautions.

If you meet someone online, or on a dating site, take the same precautions as you would as if you were meeting someone here.
Unless you know the family personally tread with caution. That's everywhere.

Saying "Nigerian" is so stereotypical. It reminds me so much of how alot of white america percieved blacks, and in some places still do percieve blacks. Just throwing everyone into one boat. I am not my brother and he is not me, even if we came from the same mother.
If you married a bad apple say HE is a bad apple. Not the whole bushel.
So, I've vented. My name is Tamiika by the way.

I still do not believe you had read any of my post thoroughly Tamiika. Your communications appear to have an agenda. I have nothing to vent here. I am here to help and offer my experiences. I Never once stated you were attacking anyones religion. You seem to be very defensive in your postings.

First off I never generalized or attacked any race in my posting. I spoke of my experience with a Nigerian man and an American man. Secondly I also stated in a message that it was not only men that scam for the American dream.

I did not meet my husband online. Although, online relationships can be very rewarding too if done with caution. I met him through a 10 year long friendship with a Nigerian friend who conducts business in Nigeria and America. As I mentioned in my post this Nigerian friend warned me about Nigerian men, because at the time I was chatting with a friend from Nigeria. This is an experience of mine, not a generalization or an assumption.

I did not chose my husband because of his money or lack there of funds. Before you address people in these postings please read there post carefully. Maybe apply some thought behind your words, because the items you are addressing to me are not because of something I have said in my postings. You are taking my communication and applying your own meaning, which is generalizing.

Nigerians are always at fault for what? I spoke of my experience with specific Nigerian men. I never once addressed the Nigerian as a complete race.

I do know my husbands tribe and family history. My brother in law lives here in the state with his Nigerian wife and two children. He is a wonderful god fearing husband and father. I talk with them about once a week and communicate via email daily.

You just made lots of assumptions in your post. I met the most wonderful Nigerian friends with I was visiting Nigeria. The children in that country are respectful of their parents and value their education.

I pray that when my husband arrives in America to reunite our family, I will have wonderful experiences to share. I will not have time to attack people and draw assumptions, because I will be busy taking care of my husband. But please rest assure, if I have an experience that someone can learn from, I will readily share.

This definately is not directed at any one person, buy why does this thread keep going? You've all said your points over and over, what else could be said? I don't get it, the op has not posted again. Like the old saying goes, why can't we all get along?

I know it's my choice to keep reading this thread, but it would be my wish to see it die down, because there is nothing new being said. There were some interesting points and good advice, now it's getting old.

Peace people!

WHOOOAAAA,
Before you get all defensive actually read my post with your guard down. It is not a generalization, I read and replied...to more than one post in both of my replies.
Never suggested you met your husband online, I have noo idea. That is not my concern. But there are those who do, daily. You asked for advice for newbies, I gave it. Along with many other observations.
Why get offended?
What agenda could I possibly have? I have no connection with any of you other than being married to a Nigerian.
Let me help you get an understanding. I read some, scrolled down, read some more...skipped some, and replied.
Hense the additional reply, because of an obvious offense.
There, is that good?
Soo re-read, and look @ my points with a different temperment, and then you might see things differently.
Wheeeww. I should have been a lawyer!
I'm going to ditch this subject, because I feel it has run it's course.

t_m_kuti is right about something. My post directed at idocare should not be confused with Heather's situation as I stated in my post. Therefore, I will start a new thread this weekend. I was given permission to share one of the story's I have received. I will also welcome anyone else that would like me to post their story anonymously. Please identify the red flags, which are most important for anyone with doubt.



God has granted me with experiences that have made me stronger and wiser. We are to use are experiences to make others stronger and wiser. We are to share the good and the bad. I welcome stories from all countries too.



I will continue to use scripture in my post, because that is how I cope in life. If I have something I need help with, I look it up in the bible and pray on that passage. I respect all people’s religion; any religion that puts the love of a higher power to help people. Please skip over anything that you might find offensive.



Thank you for your notes of encouragement. They, in addition to God are what keep me strong in time of adversity. Without God I can do nothing!



Every morning I listen to Joyce Meyers on my iPod. This week’s podcast was 7 ways to waste your time. God always sends us signs when we need them. Just do not be too busy to listen to them.



GOD Bless you all!

I have taken the time to read through all the posts and I dont have that much to say other then this.......To anyone that has the courage to write about their own experience with marrying a man from any other country weather it be from Nigeria or Mexico deserves or respect.......They have gone through what we are going through now with the whole Visa Process......Not one of us can afford to look at our relationship as being 100% sure......We may feel in our hearts that we know this person and trust this person with our very lives.....I know I do and I did trust my Husband with my very life.......However We all must be careful and listen to these other women that have gone before us......If we are true to ourselves then we would realize that more then half of all internet relationships even in the USA dont work out.....So what makes us think that after 2 or 3 weeks of being with this person we know all there is to know????? It is impossible......Im not saying that we should not try or not take the leap of faith.......Iam right there with everybody else....I did take that leap of faith......And with everything being said i love and trust my husband.....However I am looking to the future and wondering what does it truly hold for me when he does get here???? Just due to the fact of the culture shock when he gets here this single event could change him from the man I feel in love with to someone I dont know........All the posts that we read and will continue to read are all really to our benefit......Even if it is ones that we dont like to hear because it did not survive.......In the end ....We are all responsible for our own actions and for our decisions that we make in life......So what ever the outcome we must take responsibility for the consequences weather they are good or bad.........At the same time when we do give our hearts away we must always have in the back of our minds that as much as we love this person and have given are all, we will truly never know for sure until they are here with us and we are living as husband and wife together.......

The same can be said with a marriage to an American. My US ex changed and became another person that I no longer recognized.
Check out throughly the man you want to marry. Then, if you do go forward, stop doubting and enjoy the relationship.
Life is short. What will be will be. Forget the ifs and buts and doubts that so easily can destroy a relationship and for heavens sake relax into it.
Who wants a spouse that constantly doubts and is on a mission to find fault ?

My point is NO relationship, be it foreign or not, comes with a guarantee. Not when you are newly married, have some years under your belt
or have been married for 25 years !

No one knows for sure, so enjoy the ride without constant doubt or remain single is my advice.

Why did this post turn into a Nigerian slam fest? It was her choice to want to close her account so be it. How about being supportive instead of being a bunch of nay sayers? Does ANYONE here know for a fact if the OPs relationship failed? From what Omoba said it does not sound that way. Good job lending support when someone was obviously in need NOT.

I realise that not all of the posters behaved in such a manner, I think that it is clear who is guilty of starting the negative ball rolling so to speak. And also those who kept it rolling.

Goodbye Heather and Goodluck in the future.
How I wished you had the opportunity to know your husband a little more before you married him. You see, the problem is not in the nationality of a man, but the nobility of that man in the way he sees his wife. I am proud of calling myself a born-again christian, which means that the bible is my compass in everything I do. The bible advised men to love their wives as Christ loved the church. This means that no matter how stiffnecked or sinful the wife is, the man must show understanding, longsuffering, strength, patience and love in all things, just as Christ did for the early church.
Now, all of us have sinned and come short of the glory of God, and without defending what the man did or is doing, I believe if you had understood at the beginning that he is such a controlling person, you may have found a way to accommodate him and be patient. Speak to him as your loving husband and make him understand how his behavior is affecting you. It does'nt have to be a public condemnation like this.
No marriage on earth is perfect, but always a work of daily self discovery.
God bless you

Again another assumption about the OP...do you know her? Do you know how long she knew him before she married him? Do you know anything about her situation other than what you have read here? What we have read from her posts here is only a small scene in her lifes situation, have we ever heard from him or his view point? By nature humans complain about the negativity in thier worlds far more than they sing praises when things are good...

Idocare, this is the truth you told everyone, ever line you typed is true. So people be warned, the visa, the green card is all they want.

Elohor ......... For your information Heather and her husband had a small bump adjusting and are doing great now.

Please do not generalize and transfer your own issues to all Nigerian men. I am sick and tired of hearing that.
Move along and stop digging up old posts. Try to be a little more respectful to others who have Nigerian fiances and husbands here.

omoba, pray it doesn't happen to you. if you dont want to know ignore my posting.

Wether it happens to me or not, that does not change the fact that you are generalizing, making stereotypical judgements
and are prejudiced against all Nigerian men.

Not all but most of them wanting to come to the US.

This thread was never meant to be a Nigerian Bashing thread. While yes as with every relationship, my husband and I have had problems, I am sure that there are those negative nellys who would like for us to fail...fail we have not!!! We are happy and planning our future. Please stop posting your negative comments in my thread!!!!! Go bash your countrymen somewhere else!!! This american woman loves and trusts her Nigerian Huband!!! Rememer when you are pointing your finger at someone there are 3 more pointing back at you.

sorry.

As a result of your negativity I have requested this thread to be locked.

Sorry, I didn't mean any disrespect.