Well, I have to say goodbye to everyone, I will be closing my account after this to there is no need for a response from anyone, I just wanted to give an explanation to my disapearance. Everytime I post on VJ my husband will later snoop and read what I posted, he will find a way to twist my posts and use them against me. The latest one being my post on the "M word" topic. He now says that I am still in love with my ex and my life is now hell again. I am sure that he will read this too. What does it matter anymore, he will make his own asumptions about what he reads and come to his own conclusions and to him it will be gospel.

I want to thank everyone who has helped me along the way, and supported me when I needed it. Good Luck to those who are on your journey.


Good Bye...

Heather I really hate to see you go.

It does not appear at all that you are still in love with your ex from what you posted.
It shows emotional growth that you forgave him and put the past behind you.
Too bad that your husband does not realize that he needs to support you when you share your feeling like you did and showed your vulnerability.
A hug would have been nice instead of criticism.
No need to drive yourself crazy defending yourself, allow him to believe what he wants to believe but talk to him quietly and if he does not accept it
well than that is his problem.
You have suffered enough in the past and it would be helpful if he would can see the distress he is causing with the comments he makes.
VJ is a good venue to vent, share and a help in overcoming cultural difficulties, so I hope you will be back. I have always enjoyed reading your posts. You know where to find me.

I'm sorry to hear that. You will be missed. I wish you and Justice the best of luck in the future.

Sorry to hear that you have to leave. Hope you can work things out with your husband and you can join us again soon

Saludos,
Caro

Justice, if you are indeed reading this... you need to grow up. Trust is a basic element of any marriage and that comes from both people having self esteem. It sounds like you have none.... this is what you should be working on developing and not degrading the self esteem of your wife by snooping in her business. Is that what makes you feel like a man? Please.

Heather, I'm sorry you feel the need to take this step.... you will be missed.

Jen

Even though I only cruise by and have not posted, I have followed your journey. Good luck and take care of yourself. Remember, you don't have to always post something. Eventually one of the family members from will post something that you can relate to.
Ciao

Good Luck

Hope you will join us again, this is too bad of your husband and he'll get over it. I love VJ and my husband knows it, I come here just about everyday for a year. Every time I'm at the computer, whether I'm on vj or not, my husband says, "visa journey". I hope everything gets resolved between you two.
Live every day like it could be your last, as we all know tomorrow is not promised. Justice love your wife and forgive her if you feel like she has done something wrong.

Think you need to do more than just close your VJ account

Heather sorry to say that this sounds all to familiar. IF YOUR HUSBAND IS TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM U . you can expect lots of disarray in your near future, with the results ending in him moving out. So sorry to say that many people that have been members in the past of this same forum, fell in love over the internet in such a short time then ran to Nigeria to meet their " true love "



Once bringing these men here and app;ying for their adjustment of statis or they receive their green card things seems to change , now th little arguments/ misunderstandings become blown up and the person that you brought here is no longer the same person. They become confrontative, secretivr, and manipulative towards u, u probably feel as tho he thinks your the enemy.


Trust me many that went thru the journey with me back in 2004 r no longer with their Nigerian husbands. NOT ALL but for many americans both women and men, it just a plot for us Americans to assist them in getting out of Nigeria; a total scam. Unfortunately for us Americans we don't find out that we've been scammed until it's too late, they r here have their green card and now ready to get out of this marriage and go their way.

You think that this Nigerian threats u like the enemy sometimes is because in their mind u r the enemy, they no that they have love or someone back home that they want to be with, and they r patient enough to do what's required to get to America, and if it means marrying u then so be it, they aren't afraid of marriage, and they know it's something that only temporary, and that they don't have to stay married once here in America.

Us Americans r too trusting and some Nigerians are too manipultive so u won't see it coming until they r ready to move on and end the marriage, But in the mean time you will have a great visit in Nigeria everyone will treat u with respect and you will be the only person that don't know he's just marrying u for visa benifits, heck his girlfriend/wife in Nigeria may be sitting in the room with you all being introduced as his cousin or someone.


I know cause it's happened to me and many friends that I met here on this site. So I just want too caution u all that if it seems to good to be tru and u found true love on the net from ANY other country it just may not be true, or it wait , it will be true for a period of time, cause they need u to sign for their papers. or to get them a visa to come into America.

Wow! Very interesting post. Where is Victor now?

IDO**** You PM Box is full

Your response is overkill. You may feel the need to project your own heartache here but at this time Heather and her husband are
working things through and encouragement for their adjustment period would be more appropriate than your transference and projection.

The Nigerian bashing is getting old. How many times must it be said that NOT ALL Nigerians are scammers and a majority are wonderful people ?

She must have decided not to close her account:

Last Seen: Today, 10:36 AM

My response was directed at idocare, I forgot to quote it properly.

I agree with you to a point here. I think this person definately spoke out of line. However, the fact that the initial poster's husband seems to be controlling her by spying on her, getting angry with her, and then making her life hell after for it is definately a point of concern.

Maybe they are posting together

Heather,

I am one of the couples that idocare spoke of. Although my marriage failed, I harbor no resentment towards all nigerian men, nor do i believe that all are out to scam. I just want to encourage you to do all that you can to work things out with your husband, but at the same time do not lose who you are in the process. If your marriage is from God this bump will be only temporary, and if not it will crumble. That is not said to be offensive or pessimistic, but to give you hope that real love that God gives endures the worst of times. So don't sweat it. BUT, if this man is changing who you are as a person and that change is not for the better, than my sister you need to reach down to the depths of your soul and find the woman that you were when you met him, and never let her go! If he loved her enough to give her his name then he needs to be a man and build her up even more. I want to say this to you Justice, "God don't like ugly, and you can have the attitude that you the man in America and think you can ball on your own or if you can easily forget that you are where you are because of the sacrifices of your wife, then let me tell you playa playa it will not take long for you to crash and burn. It is a statistical FACT that online and long distance relationships fail. Even more so when you add cultural and racial differences. If you love each other, then you be in that relationship and ask yourself every single day, what can I do to build up my spouse today? Embrace each others differences, and learn to tolerate. You cannot be selfish, and unreliable in a marriage. So you want to be a man, then be a REAL one at the heart level and not one on the surface! Oh if I had known the things that I had learned before I said I do. If I had found this site before I said I do. I would not have married my EX in the first place. But because I didn't believe in divorce I tried to stick it out, but I became a woman that I did not like or recognize with him, so I had to carry my behind to the laundromat and clean it up. So any chance I get to depart some helpful advice I will, and if that don't work, I have plenty of hugs, love and prayer to give out if it just doesn't work out. but both of you have to be willing to humble yourselves. As for Idocare, I feel and know your pain, but you have to accept responsibility for your part in the deception and move on. There is nothing in this world that you can do to your EX worse than God can do. So leave him to God, and go enjoy life again. You got the best part of that man relish in that miracle. I bet he's growin' like a weed too!

Hey Bensagin,



Girl glad to see that you are still you !!!! But now all washed up and ready to do you. Congrats ont that, I'm happy that you have moved on. In my case I have it in my mind that faith without works is dead. So far Victor Jr. father remains here. I'm working on changing that. It may happen it may not. There are some instances where you can't simply turn the other cheek.

Omoba, you can call it what you want , but I.m telling the truth , and speaking of my own experience and some of those that went thru the journey with me. NOT ALL NIGERIANS ARE BAD PEOPLE. The hospital in Nigeria where my ex-husband was a doctor the people where wonderful towards me, as was his family, as was people we met on the street, at the beach and other places we went during my short stay in Nigeria.

I can't bash all Nigerians becasuse I don't know all Nigerians, but what I do know is that Nigerians will even get over on there own if given the opportunity. My ex used to say when a Nigerian did another Nigerian wrong, what do u expect, your dealing with another Nigerian. He even mentioned how corrupt Nigerians could be in our divorce trail, it was sickening to hear him boast.

Omoba, you can't tell me where to post or what to post or what's exceptable or what's not. Maybe Heather and others needs to hear some of what I posted. When I first filed my L-129 papers and others that went thru the journey before me and even other Nigerians that r now here in America told me to be cautious, I too ignored them cause I knew my fiance loved me and loved God. But I didn't wake up until problems like Heather is describing started. but he was already here and then finally the light came on that there is nothing I can do to make this man happy. That's when you realize that u have been used.

Like Bensangin said, IF YOUR MARRIAGE IS MAKING U A WORSE PERSON AND CHANGING U FOR THE WORST , THEN U HAVE DECISIONS TO MAKE, and that's where Heather is now.


I don't wish for anyone's relationship to go bad, but I do wish for every American women and man to step up to the plate and battle for deportation of the one's that scammed them, and Omoba if u like it or not I will continue to testify and shed light on my experience.

Omoba, your like a replica of me back in 2004 and I wish you all the best. But in case your journey and others dont end as planned I hope you use that same energy and fight for your spouse's deportation instead of laying down and claiming defeat.

One stranger in a Nigerian chat room told me that I should give it up if he's here the scam is over and that he already used me, but let me tell you, I fought hard to get this man here with me and he scammed me , so now I feel I need to dig down even harder and see his deportation thru, it may take years who know, but I have been to Nigeria twice, and I do see why people want to leave especially professionals like my ex-husband who was a doctor there in Nigeria, but to use someone in the process and try to make them appear as an abrusive person is unacceptable and worth taking a stance.

There are scammers in every country BIGTIME now.
More and more daily as people learn to use computers.
Saw it was projected there will be something like 10 million new PC users in the Philippines next year.
To me it gets down to people spending more time with a potential mate in their homeland and getting to know them better.
Going for one trip for a couple weeks after a long time online isn't "hacking" it much anymore.

Good scammers have a few potentials going at the same time online.
Even have more than one visit them.
Dumb and horny ones lose/win?

No offense to the OP but how do you close your VJ account? I wanted to do that a long time ago but now I can't.
I am hooked!

Idocare, I stand by my post in response to your post.

I know Heather outside of VJ , she has become a friend to me, therefore it is my opinion that encouragement is needed
at this time and not fear and doubt.
She is a big girl and well aware of the things you mention , as most of us are on this site. We all know the dark side without constantly having to be reminded during the time of adjustment.
You speak doubt into her relationship and I speak life into it. You speak of fear and gloom and doom and I chose to uplift and
strengthen.
You say faith without works is dead.........the work Christ had in mind is always positive, never revengeful, faith in the good report.
As long as a marriage can be salvaged it must be encouraged. Heather will know when or if to call it quits on her own.
Professional counseling is a good ' work ' and faith in healing sustains it.

I went through hell with a previous marriage with an American and have learned to not be revengeful and let it go and let God take care of
it.
Well, a few days ago I found out that he is dying of cancer and I am so glad that I had stopped my vengeful talk about him long ago.
He is the father of my children. They love him. His destiny is in God's hands. I pray for him everyday. He may die in 6 months. Life is short.

I advice you to focus your energy on things that are more important than wasting energy on getting your ex deported. Leave it alone and let the USCIS handle it.
I know a woman who after 15 years still is vengeful towards her ex.....no one can stand to be around her hatred and bitterness.
It takes a lot of maturity and growth to let it go. It is better for your health to let it go. One is truly healed from the wounds if one can let it go.

Post what you want to post, that is your right. it is mine to do the same.
I do not want people to walk in fear and anticipating evil when it is yet time to salvage a relationship.
I also dated a Nigerian. he is a good man, we did not work out for other reasons.
I do know what I am talking about. I have lived life and learned. Allow God to handle you ex's fate and destiny and free yourself of the bitterness.
It will engulf you and suffocate the life out of you. Revenge is mine saith the Lord !
Peace

Idocaree, i would like to see you continue to post your store. I know 2 Nigerian men that are married here in Maine under false pretenses. I have met a couple Nigerian men on line that tried to dupe me, but were busted. one even sent me flowers one timeand a teddy bear, probably with a stolen credit card number. I have a memory like an elephant. He was busted on an age question. Then there was my sons father AMERICAN who pulled the same stuff. Those where the type of people I invited into my life back then. They hunted me down and said the right stuff. How can so much intelligence be wasted on hurting people instead of helping people. That was my emotional well being at the time. if i didn't grow and find god, i would ave continued to attract the same men into my life.

If Idocare's story can save 1 women from heart ache and hassle a year, god bless you. You are here still posting for a reason. You experienced what you did to help others. Please keep posting. Type your whole story. Look back for all the clues and different ways he requested money. Then cut and past that story every time there is a new person that joins with a husband from a 3rd world country. I have already heard a few mentions of sending money to them for sick family member and because he has it so hard, while women pay for the process to get them here. He made it there without you before, they are resourceful people he will make till he makes it to America. Think of all the money he spent in those Internet café's trying to meet you on line. The cafe's are not cheap by any means.

If you are confident in who you are, in what you are doing, and you walk through life by the grace of god anything idocare is saying should not bother you.

<Isa 54:4 Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more.>

God is telling the single woman and us not to be ashamed about what we are believing, about Elijah really coming for us. God is saying don't let the naysayers try to put you to shame for your faith in this truth; one which many have never even heard of - the fact that God is sending Elijah as a single man to join with a single woman on earth and be the Two Witnesses.

If are ashamed to tell people your story, you do not trust your story. If you are ashamed that you are sending him money, you do not trust why you are sending him money. if you do not trust him, you do not trust you. if you are unsure about him, you are unsure about YOU. So if this is the case stop what you are doing and get sure about yourself first.

But if you walk in faith of the Lord and Savior, you will never listen to the naysayers or have shame of your actions.

Now with that said. My mail friend who warned be about other Nigerians fixed me up with my husband. hhhmmmm should i trust this???? Well first my friend fixed us up because I had become a born again Christian and my husband was a pastor. his credentials and passport state. please trust the i check every detail out. That is why he considered fixing us up. Then I did not pay for my sons and I passports. I did not pay for our immunizations shots. I did not pay for our plain tickets. i did not pay to stay at the top of the Sheraton hotel at $500 a night. I did not pay for our wedding attire or the wedding. I did not pay a penny for the flight to Abuja or the hotel stay at the Sheraton in Abuja. I did not pay for our wedding video, professional photographer, or the native food or the American restaurant at the hotels or my launry to be cleaned before i cam home. i have not paid one fee or for the lawyer that has did all my work, which is why i still do not know the proccess. I paid for our drivers family to travel to badagry with us. I did lots of tipping the traditional American way. Boy did I love to see the smile on these people faces and the appreciation and true gratitude. i gaveto the church and the church in my picture in badagry. My husband had trouble with the tipping the American way.

Do I have doubt about our relationship. Sometimes i do, because i do not think he is fruitful enough with his time and he thinks more about making money in america then how he can help people. i said it. those are my doubt. i think that is his cultural differences, but will that be acceptable for me.

idocare, please trust that God will take care of your wronger doers. God has promised us He will deliver us when adversity strikes (Deuteronomy 31:8, Isaiah 63:9, Psalm 94:17-19, Proverbs 18:10, II Thessalonians 3:3, Hebrews 13:5-6, Jude :24-25). Problems won't be so devastating when we are close to Jesus Christ. They will actually help us grow (Romans 5:2-5). We want God's Spirit in us so we can help others rebuild their lives. We are told in Galatians 6:7-8 and Job 4:8 those who cause problems will have the same thing happen to them. You know the quote, "what goes around comes around." We truly reap what we sow. I John 3:10 points out that we aren't living in righteousness if we treat others unkindly.


he will never be happy until he does right by god and humanity. until then please trust that his time is done. he might smile for a minute, laugh for a minute, but when he goes to bed at night he has to lie with himself and only drugs and alcohol can heal thatpain

God bless us all and in our time of need.
Amen

heather,
your husband is trying to manipulate and control you, because he can. he has to manipulate and control you so youdo not find out who he realy is. people who try to change our thoughts loose our conections(visa journey, family, andfriens) are afraid you will discover the real him. do not think his actions are jelousy out of love, he is trying to control you into submission. it worked becasue youwere going to close down your account. many times women or men confuse the inlaws fighting as just that they are fighting over my love thing. wrong, one side knowsthe truthe about the person and the other side is preventing them from telling you by creating drama in your life. who can see all the truth through allthe fighting in drama. distracts from what is really going on inside our minds and hearts. prevents us from seeing the situation clearily. makes us forget what the real problem is because the drama got so out of hand.
now american men do the same darn thing. this is not a nigerian thing this is a i am not worthy, please do not find me out thing. Why is your husband not worthy? could be the GC thing, could be he is not secure with who he is.


what do you stand for inlife? does he stand for the same things?

Sigh, going into a relationship without trust and constantly looking for negativity and doubt is not healthy.
Get to know your man well and then either trust and marry or don't if you see flags.
It must be a chore constantly second guessing your mate.
Not my style.
We have to agree to disagree.

You all make valid points on this very controversial subject. It all boils down to people doing what they want to do that is why I only give advice based on improving the situation or empowering the "injured" person to be strong and not lose heart. Plus all people are not the same so the situations can resemble the same, but outcomes will be different.
MrsJibowu, you were very SMART to keep your money to yourself!! As woman we fall into that trap of believing that we are wrong or GOLD DIGGERS for expecting men to be men. Damnit if you want to be the head of the household, then take care of your WOMAN AND YOUR FAMILY!!! I don't care if you have to work 2 or three jobs to do it. That's what you are called to do biblically and your pride definitely calls you to do it because you want to be in control. That is one thing that hit me like a ton a bricks was being left with all the debt I incurred to get him here and sustain him there, and believe me, when I was on the brink of losing my house, I was ALONE fighting to save it. He was off trying to be the BIG SINGLE MAN in America. But OH how God turned the tables and heard my cries. I said before, HE DON'T LIKE UGLY!!!!!!!!

My new motto now is you gotta pay to play in my workshop!!!!! Meaning love is NOT enough to endure a marriage!!!! I repeat LOVE is NOT enough to endure a marriage. BUILD FOUNDATIONS PEOPLE!!!!! And a 2 week trip to NIgeria or wherever is not gonna cut that. I have learned that I have to let a man prove himself worthy to be a husband and father, and women have to do the same. But if you have to provide for your man and you ain't even married yet and living in a real household together, then my sister, you DO NOT have a PRIZE. That charactersitic is not going to mysteriously appear when he comes to AMerica. That is a learned behavior that is taught and adapted early on. Another lesson I learned the hard way. SO if Oh Boy is spending half the day chatting with you when he should be working, then chances are fishing for a greencard bride IS his job. Now if I'm lying I'm dying. I learned after the fact that hard working men in NIgeria taking care of their families do NOT have time to be in Cyber Cafe's all day unless he's rich and the boss, and in that case he would be on the internet in his office or home.

So since I am on the singles scene again, I've adapted a few principles to live by this time.
1. If you are trying to holla at me from a foreign country, and you can't fund your way here for a date: KEEP IT MOVIN"!!!!!!!!!!!
2. If you live with your momma, and your car cost more than your house or her house: KEEP IT MOVIN'
3. If you claim to be a Christian, but keep askin' for sex: KEEP IT MOVIN!!!!!!
4. If you collect disability but still make babies but don't educate yourself for a less PHYSICALLY Taxing career: KEEP IT MOVING!!!!
5. If you don't have a green card or citizenship: KEEP IT MOVING!!!!
6. IF you are unemployed: KEEP IT MOVING
7. If you can't form a complete sentence: KEEP IT MOVING!!!!!
8. If you have babies by more than one woman: KEEP IT MOVING!!!!!
9. If you cannot manage your money well: KEEP IT MOVING!!!!!!!
10. If you are allergic to honesty, fatihfulness, WORK, humility and reliability then: KEEP YO A$$ MOVING!!!!!!

These may seem materialistic and shallow to you, but I believe society has conditioned us to believe that we have to settle for things in our men, and I for one will not do it again. I would rather be alone and SANE than with someone and miserable. Hope I parted some wise advice as well as a laugh or two. Peace out people.

A man is not a victim of his circumstance! A man circumstances reveal him!
Dr. Wayne Dyer

1. That is so true about the cyber café
2. There are working people in Nigeria. They are working and taking care of there family.
3. If your man dressed real nice when you visited, but claims poverty. That should be a sign right there that his priorities are mixed up.
4. if he sent you any gifts at the inception of you meeting, and is claiming that he is broke there is something wrong with that picture. Do you know how expensive it is to send a package to the us from Africa? Probably shipped so he could have a receipt to prove the inception of the relationship.

i am not here to make you doubt. like i said before, if you believe in you, god, and him you are all set. Do not let the naysayers bring you down. But if you are down and i got you wondering, then i hope i have helped someone.

there are some amazing wonderful people in this site. you have to be to make a commitment of such magnitude and expense. But please remember us kind and trusting people can become victimized.

if you are in doubt question him. do not be afraid to hurt his feelings. an understanding man would understand how a situation might make you doubt his intentions. if he gets mad at you, girl run, put your wallet away and lock your doors. even if he thinks he loves you, he doesn't know how to now, nor will he when he gets to the US.

I have imence respect for these ladies for sharing their personal stories. WOW i applaud your courage.

Good points in the last two posts.
I want to bring out one point though. In most 3. world countries a man who works very hard makes $100-300 a month.
He can work from dawn to dusk.
How in the world is he going to afford a $ 5000-$10000 visa journey? If he is your husband then the money should be pooled to make
the visa journey possible. One in all including finances.
If you want him to pay for everything then it is best to look within your own country for a mate who is able to make this possible.

The mena and sub-saharan relationships for the most part have to share the expenses of the common goal to come together at some point.
It is unrealistic , to expect the man to pay for everything , the entire visa journey, making $100 a month.
Unemployment runs extremely high in most African countries, especially war torn countries.
It has to come to a decision of yes we love each other and I will contribute ......or see you later I want it all. Gimme gimme gimme.
I am just bringing the flip side and a touch of reality to your perspective.
To you ladies who want the man to pay it all, more power to you and that is your choice but there are a lot of variables in the mix
for other couples.
It depends on each situation. The heart , soul and mind and God centered attitude of a man is more important to me than his pocket book.
There is no one formula with human beings and the dynamics of each relationship varies.
I have heard many accounts of the man spoiling the woman once he works here and make her contributions up to her.

God bless !

iwould pay my husbands way here if he needed the assistance and I did not have a son to put through college in 10 years. I would pay for a friend to go through the visa process if they needed help. I have a son first to consider when i was getting to know my son. every choice i make in my life effects him. i am just posting in concern for those who have expressed distress regarding financial hardship and disappointment.


The deceit is what is so disappointing. i went through lots of emotional abuse with my son's father with manipulation and confusion. I have read a few post where the women were unsure. And i just want them to be confident in their decision, which is hard when you have someone messing with your mind.

i just am giving support to those who are sharing their story of disappointment, because that is a large pill to swallow without the pain reliever. giving them kudos and some things to look out for.

I think I have given feed back regarding several different threads that I have read in the past few days. I just chose this one to write in because it was the third one where i seen people complaining about idocare's posts. i do think she should share her experiences without making assumption about other peoples experience. her experience should not effect another person's experience unless they had doupt already.

Thank you for everyone who has taken the time to post. Your time, thoughts, oppionions and experience are welcomed appreciated and valued for the wonderful people that you are. we are all here to support each other, which is what makes this place so wonderful.

Mrs Libowu, I am all for Idocare posting HER story here and give people a cautious perspective for those who blindly follow their hearts without
thinking.
The problem I have is with the generalization of her " they will..." in regards to Nigerians.
Maybe an " my experience ...." or a " my ex did ....." would be wiser than stereotypes and generalization.
I know far too many good Nigerians than bad ones.
As a matter of fact a Nigerian friend not too long ago offered me financial help without repaying, as a gift when I needed something.
He just said God layed it on my heart to give you this !

Just one bad one here and there does not mean the majority aren't good people.
Maybe some people are looking in the wrong places and should check within themselves what the common denominator is in repeated bad relationships
with any man, American or Nigerian.
I have enjoyed the different POV's and this discussion and hope people will take from it what they need.
May your journeys be speedy without road bumps and may you all grow in your relationships with God as the center.

In my opininon all that has been posted is certainly good 'food for thought'.

Omoba - in response to your comment regarding Idocare generalizing all Nigerians ... I thought I would point out that in her very first response she specifically stated, "NOT ALL but for many americans both women and men, it just a plot for us Americans to assist them in getting out of Nigeria;" So I don't think she is implying that all Nigerians are bad. If I am wrong, please accept my apology in advance.

I personally did not have the experience of meeting / dating someone on-line. My husband and I met through his sister. Nevertheless, I agree with all that's been stated. The thoughts given applies to anyone regardless of whether you met your SO online, or if your SO is an American or not. In either case .... always keep your third eye open.

Boaz

Oh this is getting GOOD!!!!! Now in my opinion what is unrealistic is a man who knows he ain't got a pot to piss in online trying to find someone he knows full well he can't support. What are his famous words? "With God anything is possible". Now we're thingking he's a good godly man. Then ask God to send me a round trip ticket and a paid hotel reservation so I can come see you. What that really means is if you loved me for me, you will YOU will make it happen for us to be together forever. Sound familiar. I have heard it from many men tryin' to holla from afar. Even though his income is not comparable to a US salary that has nothing to do with how he manages it and how he uses it towards funding his own way. I relied on the I'm a hardworking-Godfearing-you will stop working 2 jobs when I get home and I will do that-what will I eat tonight?- I won't have my wife supprting me BULLISH!!!!!!! SO believe me I went there with my EX husband. Hell you would have thought I wrote the song "Stand By Your Man"! When he got here the man who wooed me on the internet and when I was in Nigeria got switched at customs, dear, when he arrived in the states. Because what came home to me was the REAL MAN I MARRIED, and honestly, I did not like him, and I was becoming just like him. I was the one who continued to support because He said we work to hard in this country. He told me I was used to it and he wasn't. I would never tell a woman its ok to support your man without thinking SMART. If you have to go into debt to do it. You better think twice. For him love don't cost a thing cause nothing is in his name! Now if you believe in the fairytale love conquers all that's fine and dandy for you, but I say be smart about your money. And the truth be told if anyone here is doubting there SO in anyway then My points have been proven. You have no foundation to your relationship, and you are not secure that your relationship is forever. But if I'm striking a nerve then hey........... Now as for if he is your husband, what about the sisters who bring them in as a fiance? He ain't their husband and they are supporting him. Not all are to clarify, but all I am saying is be smart and let your man prove that not only is he going to be hardworking and responsible when he comes home but that he is currently hardworking and responsible in Nigeria NOW. Don't dig yourself in debt because it may take a while for him to raise the money and you want him home now. If he is your man, God is not going to let another woman have him and vice versa. When we don't wait on God we get in deep trouble and I will be the first to say I wanted right now and threw caution out the window. I paid for mine. I am not bitter and would date another foreigner in a minute, but there are limits that I have in place now. SO if it happened to me again it won't be because I made the same mistakes. I am not telling anyone to not date a foreigner or pursue a foreign relationship, I am merely saying be smart and keep yourself protected. If all works out fine what have you lost? But if he indeed scammed you then you have kept yourself protected. I will not apologize for expecting a potential suitor to MAN UP, and no woman should. If you are leaving your family to become his wife, it is now his obligation to make sure your needs are met on EVERY level. I know what I will bring to the table and I don't half step in relationships. Its all or nothing with me, and if he is not coming to the plate ready to be in relationship with ALL the good, the bad and to put in the work that it takes to sustain it then he needs to KEEP IT MOVIN'!!!! Its all good in the beginning when everything he says or do is cute and you are so in love, but what happens when he starts riding your nerves like a HARLEY? Or when his A$$ is sneaking and doing things you don't know about. Do you high tail and run, kick his A$$ to the curb, or work it out? I did all of the above until I lost myself in the shuffle and I realized that we were two people with different convictions about life, love and relationships. HE was not the one for me so I ended it. It would have been a matter of time before sweet gentle me was going to get GHETTO on his A$$ and hurt him. So LOVE THE ONE YOU WITH, BUT DO IT SMART!!!!!

A-men! A-men! A-MEN !!!!!!!

Please don't get me wrong - I strongly agree with the concept of working together as one. As my own husband sometimes states "one hand cannot tie a bundle". Nevertheless - at the end of the day I do believe in letting a man, be a man. Even if his little bit can only pay the utilities, and a few tanks of gas. That's OK .... let him be the man! And help him (if possible) make the sacrifices of getting to the next level ie., additional schooling, etc., etc. Now I do understand that some things must be a part of a person. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink it. But at the end of the day - let a man be a man!

As the song goes ... you gotta pay the cost, if you wanna be the boss.

BOAZ, I knew I liked you!!!!!! LOL!!!!! That's the main part of my soap box lecture!!!!!!! Let a man be a man in all seasons. A good man would not have a problem with proving that to you!

Yes agree about removing the geralization. Now with that is said, let not generalize that it just men on VJ that are scamming for the american dream. enough said.

Well guys I said what I said , feeling very confident and comfortable with the way things are in my relationship and hope you all find what you are looking for as well. Different strokes for different folks. I agree with the majority with what was said but disagree with the
'he pays for all or keep on moving ' statement. But no sense in beating a dead horse. Ce la vie !

Boaz yes I saw the 'not all ' in her post and that was good. I also saw the ' they will...' and that was not.
African Americans should never be refered to as 'they will....etc.' but some African Americans easily say ' they will....' when it comes to Nigerians.
I am so very much against singling out a race or Nationality and would not expect that on a cultural diverse immigration board.
Thanks for your opinons. It was interesting.

In a healthy relationship, I feel that you should be somewhere in the middle. The idea that you go to visit him and he pays for "everything" to "prove" he loves you is unbalanced. To me that's simple minded. That wouldn't prove to me that he loves me....that would prove to me that he has bad judgement for using a considerable portion of his income for a one time visit/vacation from someone he cares about. And if he were here in America and did that, we'd probably have a huge argument as well. When I visit my fiance in Ghana we split costs. Sometimes I pay the airfare and he pays for my lodging.....he often pays for meals and taxis and trips, but I stick my two cents in there as well, even if I have to hand him the money so he can feel like the man in actually paying. And I do the same thing with girl/guy friends here and in previous relationships in the US. When I expect to be taken care of.....money is only a part of it...and while he's still in Ghana making a fraction of what I make, money is NOT the big part of it. He supports me emotionally and spiritually. He's my prayer partner and my bigges prayer warrior. He listens, even when he doesn't get it cause it may be my personal reaction and he thinks it's no big deal. He supports me in setting life goals and planning progress. He supports all of who I am and hope to be. This isn't my first marraige. I had a failed marraige that was also originated online. It failed after 10 years and a beautiful daughter. I had counseling to release that baggage and it sounds like it was a decision that others could benefit in making. It's a jaded view to think that a man proves his love and worth by his wallet. It's a jaded view that says, from a post stating that this website has caused arguments in your relationship that an appropriate response is I think your man is trying to use you and dump you. Inferring your past pain into a three line note is YOUR issue. You aren't trying to HELP anyone. The person didn't ask for help or convey anything in those three lines to lead to the conclusion that their marraige is in extreme danger. But your personal pain and bitterness makes any Nigerian related marraige post a RED FLAG. Always look in the mirror first. What you think you're conveying is not what's coming out AT ALL. I read...hatred....animosity...bitterness....anger.....vengenance.....loneliness. So it automatically gets dismissed. It only helps to show your emotional state and need for help yourself. Doesn't much serve to help anyone else.

I do not think my husband paid for me to prove he loved me. He did it because he could. I was a single parent at the time. Spending money to go visit him when I have a child at home was never an option for me. He knew it when He met me. When he is in America my money will be his money. He is going to college once he is here. So I will be the primary source of income then. It will be a joy to put my husband through college. I am sure he will work part time for little extras, since we are planning our first child right away. I am not getting any younger. He want two more, but i want one so we can adopt some foster child who need homes.
Time will tell, since I do love doing the mommy thing. We will see how good he is at the daddy thing. *wink

I was going to just read the recent post and be done, but I won't because obviously the only point that is coming across is man and money. Sister if that relationship and meeting in the middle is working for you then do you, again I say just be smart. That is not saying your man is scamming you, using you, or anything like that. Being a man is more than providing for a woman financially there is a whole lot of things that go along with that that we need as woman. Did you notice that I am a woman too? I know that in all honesty emotional security is what we desire most of all, but unfortunately finances are a direct relationship to having that emotional security. I am not saying that a man has to be Donald Trump, but handle the money that you do have well. And do note that in my posts when I refer to a man I didn't put a nationality in front of it unless it related to MY ex. SO men are men everywhere it applies to all men. WHy do marriages and relationships fail? Main 2 causes, infidelity and finances. So what I wanted to impart to you all is just to really build solid foundations in your relationships, and I am not saying anything different then what our parents told us, what I preachers tell us. If you read my first post. I encouraged the OP to fight for her relationship and would encourage anyone to do the same regardless of how mine turned out. I also know how when things go sour we are quick to lose heart and beat ourselves up over it. Sometimes relationships just go wrong. I've been there and want others to know that it happens, you pick yourself up and get back in there and find love again. I'm sorry that you feel that my views are simple minded, and I am bitter, hateful, and whatever else you said about me, but my sister you could not be further from the truth. Allow me to speak voice to voice with you if you are open to that and you will see that MY intentions are to encourage and empower women to be smart whether it is overseas or home. No one deserves to be heartbroken and used by anyone, but a lot of times women, the emotional creatures that we are lead with our hearts and not with our heads, and in most cases it gets us into trouble. Vengeful, no. Not that kind of person. If my Ex was in trouble today ie. hungry or sick, I would do what I could to help him. Regardless of our marriage ending he is still my brother in Christ. ENough said. The invite is out there to you and anyone else if you would like to converse on the phone. As you can tell I am a talker, and I stand by what I say. One last thing and I am shutting up for real. LOL!!!

It's funny how I often see posts that ask where are all the old heads why are they not around? Well this is why. Most people only want to hear the good so as not to challenge things in their own relationships. Everything about my marriage was not bad. I can give tips and advice on the good too, but if I can give you some advice from my mistakes and the parts that weren't good so you can maybe avoid them or work them out better with your spouse why not listen. Just take from it what you can use and what applies to you, and the rest just KEEP IT MOVIN'. I'm pullin' for you all!

My post was not directed to you. I have read several posts from you since the end of your relationship and never sensed bitterness as you say. You express YOUR experience and encourage and support others no matter where they are in the process. The other post was quite the opposite. It was bitter, angry, and decidedly focused on vengence. Nothing positive about that post from my read and it was the start of this lengthy conversation about being scammed or used which I didn't see as a direct offshoot of Heather's post, except of course for the fact that her spouse in Nigerian.

Thank you for clarifying that. It is very hard to be objective when your situation still has you in its grip. I believe she has a genuine desire to help, but its hard to separate what she's feeling and going through to be 100% objective. We all need prays,help and understanding to be successful or even to get through when things aren't successful, and I hope everyone grasps this from all that has been written. If any of you ever need me you know how to reach me. I am not an expert but I have nearly 5 years of experience on all levels of the process and relationship. Peace

OH, OK! I do not have much resentment. I feel sorry for people who have to live there life that way. People think that they do not feel the pain, but they do. The do not know who there true self is and can never rest with allthe lies around them. Can never relax and just be. That is what I love about where I am in my life. I can walk into a room and just be me.

Yes there are people in every creed, race, and space who are great and who are bad. And I hate to say it, but people are who they are whether you meet them on line or at the grocery store. So if you met someone online that would be the same type of person you would attract here in the US. We are a mirror of the company we keep. Doesn't mean that when i was dating mentally or emotionally abusive men i behaved that way. I just didn't value myself enough to let someone I deserve into my life.

You two look amazing together by the way. He has a sincere mature look about him.

I have read this entire post but didn't have much to add.. in fact I still don't except one point.

Hatred and revenge is like drinking poison and hoping your enemy dies.

Forgiveness sets you free. You will always be a victim of someone's actions against you as long as you allow what they did to eat at you. Also remember that God forgives us in as much as we forgive others. Holding on to these feelings turns us into bitter angry individuals and that poison eats at our souls and our very character. I am not innocent when it comes to this, I have no room to cast any stones at anyone else. This is as much a reminder for myself as it is toward anyone in here.

In Matthew 6:14-15 Jesus says, "[14] For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. [15] But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."

None of us are without sin so that applies to ALL.

Amen..well said.

YEAH Mercy,

Remember that you do not have to tell the person your forgive them. It has to start in your heart. I have forgiven my son's father and have accepted who he is. He does not know that, because he will take advantage of this fact. You need to find closure with in you, knowing that you might never get it from them.

I agree with you!