Well tonight was a really hard night. But my husband got into a huge fight with his brother and my mother in-law said some things to him. There's just a lot of conflict right now. Apparently my son is driving everyone crazy. I have decided it's probably best to get myself and my son out of here and go back to Canada and work and save up more so we can move out the next time I come down.

Oww this hurts. We were so close...but the EAD would probably take a while and this house basically turned upside down tonight.

Awww sweety, but you're here now. Any chance you and your husband can move out on your own? What's going on with his family and your son?
I hope you're ok in all of this.

My son is just very busy. Apparently he's been driving everyone "nuts" for the past few months. He is just busy, he sings himself to sleep. My husbands brother doesn't like the fact that he sings himself to sleep. There's just a hole bunch of stuff. I find this family very nice for everything they have done for me. But at the same time it isn't happy here, there's a lot of conflict going on and people are very controlling. I am not a controlling mom, I like to let him get out and make noise and be a child.

I just see it as more harm then good keeping him here.

I doubt my husband alone could get us a place. The plan was for me to get a job and we could save up for a place. New Jersey homes/apartments are expensive.

What does your husband think about the situation? I'm sure you won't want to make a rash decision. Have you two talked about this? Is there a chance that for the time being you can maybe work something out so that your husband's brother doesn't have to be there when your son is going to sleep (how old are they? Surely the brother is old enough to deal with a young child?!) or maybe you and your son can work something out?

It seems so unfair, really, because you've made it this far and your son shouldn't have to stop being who he is. But at the same time, if you know that in 3, 6, 12 months the situation will be over, wouldn't it be worth it?

I know, who am I to be offering advice? Random internet person. It's just that we all know what the process is like. The idea of starting over, after you've already made it this far is so overwhelming, I'm sure.

Talk to hubby. See what he thinks. Maybe talk to your MIL too? See if there's something that can be done to compromise.

Good luck

Hun, definitely sit with your husband and discuss what's happened. Right now there's probably a lot of heat in the air and you both need to take some breathing time before you come to this kind of huge decision.

You've already started the AOS filing and that can't be taken back - think about the cost involved in that, and then think about starting over with a K3 and then proceeding with AOS again. The process could take longer than it did for your K1 - and there will be a lot of stress when you and your husband are separated. Strictly coming from a monetary sense - which it sounds like the major issue is - those application costs will be more stress on you, on top of wanting to save up for moving out.

You're a great parent to your son, and I totally agree that you should let him "be a kid" - after all, they're not going to have these kind of chances to "be a kid" once they're older. I'm sorry that you're having conflict with your in-laws and I wish they weren't as controlling as they sound.

The EAD is taking a few months to process, is it possible that you could stick it out for that long until you're able to work and afford a separate place to live? Aside from that, I don't know what NJ housing is like, but is there a particular area that would be cheaper to live in and wouldn't be a huge commute to where your husband works?

*hugs* I'm sorry if I'm long-winded, I'm just concerned about your situation and hope that you find the best resolution for all of you.

I don't know how long the AOS process takes, but you have been in the immigration process for well over a year now. I would hate to see you throw that away.

Things always get heated the more people under one roof. Personalities collide and people who have lived together for years can't adjust to the 'newcomers.' Having some of those newcomers will always add that much more stress.

You have to find some alternatives because you are closer to the end of the tunnel than the beginning, this much is certain.

The brother is 23. We all live under the same roof.

Just a lot of things were said.

I could just send my son back to live with my mother until we get our own place. That was a thought we had. But I would find that hard to do.

It's very complicated. Right now I am willing to leave. I keep tossing and turning in bed, crying and then thinking...and then crying again.

It's just not an issue that can be resolved. He can't deal with my son, and then my mother in law seemed to agree with her son, saying my son has been getting on everyones nerves. My son is 9, he's just VERY busy. He isn't awful or bad. He's a sweetie but he's busy and he can be a bit loud. But regardless he's my son.

I just think that it's best to get my son out of this house before something very bad happens. It sucks yes...but my son honestly comes first.

I really feel bad for you, such a bad situation to be in.

I agree with what everyone else has said here though, you have 'done your time' in this immigration process and it truly does seem terrible to have to start all over.

That said, only you know how bad it is. People do say awful things to each other sometimes, it gets heated and all blown out of proportion, sometimes things that seem unforgivable are said.

However, as I'm sure you know, tomorrow is a new day and when the sun comes up things might be quite different and hopefully, maybe, they might even regret and apologize for things said.

If not - and it doesn't look like it is going to get any better - I completely understand your wanting to leave (especially if your Son overhears this stuff).

Your Son sounds like a cutie! He sings himself to sleep and I think that is awfully nice.

Hang in there.

I cannot add anymore than what the others have said...

But honestly, you, your husband, your son, his brother, the MIL, all together under the same roof??? Sounds like a lot of adults that need their own space...

The 23 yo brother, not of my business but what is he still doing at home ? Wasn't it all agreed before you went through the visa and all that you would stay with them with your son ? What do they expect from a 9 yo kid? And when you mean that your son is busy, do you mean he is very energetic?

What is the point of you of your husband about all this ?

I dunno what your situation is about all this, and I dunno if you can collect your EI, but one thing for sure I would wait for the EAD and live with a mean family by my husband rather than go all over this again and be apart....Try to work it out with your in-laws...



Edit: Just reread myself, and I am sorry if I am very inquisitive...I just cannot believe that adults can act in such a childish way and not even try to understand the temporary situation and try to help you guys instead of making you more trouble than you already need with all the immigration and the stress going on....I am pissed for you.

I know its hard this time of the year but..

what about taking your son out to do things when they are around.. Might be hard if they dont work..

I too am at my mother in laws with our 2 kids but (knock on wood) nothing bad has happened.. Is your son from your current husband? Im sure that plays into how they feel and treat him. With US both kids are from my wife so her parents may be a little more tolerable.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
As the others have said, talk to your husband.
Just leaving and abandoning the process and starting all over with a K3, there is no way I would do that. You have come too far to turn back now. Talk to him!

Why are you all living together? I know that the homes in NJ are pricey, believe me but for your family, You, your Son and new Husband, you need that space.

Move out on your own, have your own place and live your own lives. If this is not possible, you need to sit down with the adults and talk with them. They are being so unfair to a child. Singing himself to sleep? Come on, that's adorable. How does your husband and son get along? I'm sure there is no way he is going to want you to leave now.

Best of luck hon

We are living together until I started working, his family told my son and I for 2 years that we could come and live here while we found a home that was in a good school district and everything.

I have talked to my husband, I have talked to my mother back home.

My husbands brother told my son he "had a knife and could stab him" on Sunday. This is when it all really began. There's so much more. I stand by my son more than I stand by my husband. I have to keep my son in our room until my husbands brother leaves the house. Last night my son heard the entire fight. This morning he's telling me it's all his fault. I don't like seeing him blame himself for everything.

I didn't realize that it was going to be like this here.

We're looking at our options, either me coming back down later or him coming up to live in Canada.

We'll be alright.

first am sorry you are goin trough this ,
as everyone said I agrea think it over , do you realy want to go trough the whole process again with K 3 , whos there to say it will work after k 3 is aproved ?
i would realy sit and talk to everyone involved in the house ,
i know NJ is expensive and people there can be extreamly outspoken , my inlaws live there as well am just lucky they love me and accepted me like a daughter ,
my question is didnt your husband know what he was getting into when he said 'I DO '
as for the 23 year old no offence but what right does he have to complain hes in the same boat as you or he would be living on his own ,
( I would ask him nicely to listen to some tunes on the headphones till your son sleeps if it bugs him so much )
I have 2 kids on my own ( well growen kids 21 and 19 they love tony like hes theyr dad )
but I know kids at the age of 9 can be a handfull and singing himself to sleep is actualy cute they should be happy he aint yelling and screaming " MOMMMMMM I DONT WANT TO SLEEPPPPP "
I would defenatly not trow the towel at this point ,you came way to far , this is for better or worst .
worst would be if you start again with K3 you have to sit on a daily basis thinking will this happen again when I aproved now ? will i be able to get along with my inlaws knowing the past we had ,
I would just hang in and talk to everyone who lives at the house concerning this mather .
after all your husband married you knowing you bring a child into the relationship right ,
wish you good luck hang in

ok reading this , OMG the 23 year old acts more then a 6 year old ,
I see your point on wanting to leave ,
this is mental child abuse what the 23 year old is doin to your son , I would react the same way and belive me every good mother would too
you are a great mother your son is 9 he cant defand himself it is your job to protect him he needs you to stand up for him , wich you are obviously doin
I hope you and your husband can sort things out wich ever way its goin ,

OMG he told that to your son ???

I am sorry but yeah that is totally abusive there, it's threathening (spelling? ) a child. I know it's a family, but that shouldn't be left aside. If your MIL is protecting her 23 yo saying that to a 9 yo.....I am sorry but you and your husband should definitely get out of there if possible

You don't need a big place right away. Even a 1 bedroom apartment with a bed-couch would do it for me, as long as we would be safe..

Edit : I would certainly not to that to myself, go back and refile a K-3, or even send your son to your mom, etc. You did nothing wrong in this and just because a mentally wrong 23 yo is threathening your son doesn't mean you should impose that to yourself. Try to figure a way to get out of there.

How long ago did you file your AOS/EAD?

wtf is wrong with that 23 year old?

Where in New Jersey do you live??

My name is Tony and I am Lona's future husband,I would just like to comment on the situation
with the 23 yr old and the 9 yr old:

He said "he wished he could stab him", that constitutes a "terroristic threat" in the
state of new jersey,I am a former resident of the state and the last time I checked,
he could be charged with terroristic threats towards a minor,so the big mouth should
shut his trap......immediately.

Next,My advice to the mother of the child,you and your husband should find a different
place to reside,not all apartments in n.j. are expensive,especially 1 bedrooms, you just
need to know where to look,your husband should know the areas,if he is from jersey,
look online,you should find something affordable.

Don't go back to Canada..think it over..If you are here already,why go through the hassle
of a K-3?? The K-1 was hard enough,this is your family,let NO ONE get in the way of breaking
you up,talk to your husband and immediately make plans to move out...living with in laws is a
no-no..you have no freedom and you live under their rules,not a good way to live..I suggest
for the sake of your child and your relationship...MOVE OUT A.S.A.P

Thanks for your Time
TonyC.

Sprailenes, I am sorry about your present predicament.

Unfortnately, this 23yr old is too stupid to realize that his utterances may have a lasting impression on the little boy. That said, his threats are not to be taken lightly. Hopefully, you will be able to remove your son from this potentially harmful environment.

Child rearing styles are an extremely sensitive matter. Parents raise their kids the best way they know. I agree that we have to allow kids to be kids. However, we also have to be willing to make concessions, especially if those kids have to share space with others.....be it at home, daycare, school or the grocery store.

All I know is what I've read online in this thread but if you were to pack up and go back to Canada, that would seem like a rash decision to me. And who is to say that it might not be even worse if you were to go back to Canada and then return on a K3? Things could change overnight in any situation, and it sounds like things were going well, and that you should be able to work things out. I'm sorry to here about the turmoil but I'm thinking there's got to be another way besides just returning to Canada.

Going to send you a PM...

My husband may have found an apartment in Vorhees. Hopefully we can get it.

I'd like to thank you all for listening.

If we can't get a place though, I will have to go back. I can't stay in this house with my son. I am not thinking about going through the process again, nor am I thinking about being away from my husband, I am thinking about my son being in harms way.

I understand about having him understand the people around him, and he has been trying. But it seems every little thing he does gets on the nerves of my husbands brother.

I feel like everything we worked for is literally falling apart.

I feel very badly for you right now. Even though we don't truly know each other, I wish I was close enough to give you a hug. It won't fix anything but it might just be the thing you need.

In my situation, I'll be moving my daughter who is 13 into a home with 2 boys, 16 and 24. We spent a month living with them to see how everyone reacted to each other. It went well but for the 16 yo being a pest, which I remember my brothers being the same. It's not the same scenario as you are currently in, but I do concern myself with how things will work out in the long run.

I hope that everything works out for you and your hubby finding a place of your own. I would dislike having to see you start this process again.

I'll keep you all in my prayers that God will help you to find a solution that fits everyone.

Kelly

I just wanted every one to get along.

I know kids can get under peoples skin, I am the childs mother, I know he can be a little crazy sometimes. But there's a way to deal with a child. Since being here my husband raised his voice at Ethan ONCE. ONCE. And the MIL came up and yelled at him for yelling at Ethan. Yet his brother can threaten him. And when we tried to tell his MIL about the knife incident last night she said: "Your son blows everything out of proportion" and then took his brothers side and said: "THAT KID gets up early every morning!"

Most kids do. My son could hear all of this.

My husband was there and saw the knife threatening incident. And unless we didn't see it happen, it didn't happen, because Ethan complained of being hit by Mike's brother the other day, and I told her that lastnight and she said: "Well did you see it??"

Of course not! His brother isn't stupid, he does all of this stuff when no one is around!

I hope you can get that apartment, but please don't go back

Look around for other apartments too, there is not only one out there. Is there any friends of you husband that could help you while you are looking for a place? Maybe just for a couple of weeks?

I REALLY hope you get the apartment!

I completely understand your wanting to move back if another solution can't be found - it's a pain, it means going through the process again etc etc - however you know what is best.

If it were me I would do the same thing you are, find a small apartment, if that doesn't work out I would be on the next transport out of the place.

Good luck to you and I hope you get your apartment. Just try your best NOT TO COME BACK. K3 is not so great...

Nah, they all live in Philadelphia, and my son still has to attend school.

I have to think about schools too.

Right now our options are:

-Get an apartment asap...doesn't have to be fancy, we can move again once we're out and we've saved more.
-Send my son back to Canada to stay with my mother until we get out and on our own and then apply for him to come down.
-I go back to Canada with my son and apply for a K3 and come back when he has his own place.
-I go back to Canada and my husband immigrates to Canada.

Time for your adult husband (I assume he is) to leave Mommy and little adult brother, and become a man and be on his own and take care of responsibility for a change. Like take care of his wife.

Going back to Canada would be the last thing to consider, unless your husband refuses to leave Mommy.

umm, I don't think the problem is that he doesn't want to leave but the finances to be able to afford to leave


i hope everything works out for you, Sprailenes

That is really sad about the brother.

I hope the situation with the apartment works out!

Will answer your PM when I have more time but I will be thinking of you guys =) you shouldn't have to go back to Canada due to the... bad attitude of the 23 yr old toward your son

I hope you get the apartment. It sounds like you need the space to yourselves anyway without interference from relatives!

Thanks guys.

Right now it's just hard. I had no idea my son bothered everyone so much. I mean I was just telling my husband last night how much improvement I have seen in Ethan. He has been doing so good despite everything. He gets a little crazy but boys are boys and I try to keep him in line too, but I dont want him to feel like he's in a cage.

Everything he does here gets a "NO" response, it's very negative and that's not how he was raised. I understand living with others is hard. But no one ever communicated to me that he was driving them "nuts". It wasn't until everyone got angry that the truth comes out. Thats not how I personally deal with things, but hey, this is them and not me.

I think we just really need to get our priorities straight right now. My son of course being my first priority.

See he recently took out a loan so he could help pay for the wedding (even though we're already legally married, we were going to have a wedding in May), his parents are paying for most of it, but asked that we chip in, which is completely understandable. But a wedding is not a priority. We're now using that money to get a place.

At this point a wedding seems so petty. His mother actually sent me an email with the dj's name this morning. Umm did you forget what happened lastnight? Do you think that this is the first thing that is on my mind today???

I think we have forgotten about our priorities and maybe we have felt a little too comfortable here. We shouldn't have taken a loan out for a wedding, we should have taken a loan out for a place.

Everything is happening so fast. Now my husband is saying we could move back to Canada together.

I don't know what is right and what isn't anymore.

I hope that things work out for you.

It would be a shame if you have to pack up and leave after all the hard work that goes into getting a K-1/K-2.

I do understand about putting your son first thou. He does not need to be threatened by a 23 year old. I would have to do something about that. That guy needs a cop in his face for saying that to your son.

I hope you get a place soon so that you all can be happy. Take anything you can get until you can afford something more. Just try your best not to be seperated again.

I feel for you and the dilemma you are facing. It's not easy to try to start a life together as a family and y'all don't need the extra tension and stress from others.

I hope you and your husband will find a solution that will work for all of you. Good luck.

Yes my husband is trying really hard right now.

It's really hard.

I just want everyone to get along.

Everything was somewhat fine until last night. I can admit he went a little far with his brother, and now he has to apologize to his brother. But I think his brother should also apologize to Ethan. But he won't. His mother makes excuses for him so he makes excuses for himself. In his mind he did nothing wrong. If someone is driving you nuts you have every right to threaten them with a knife.

Crazy.

And what if you tell him "what about a little call to the police for threatening a minor ? " Maybe he would change his point of view.

I told him that, I told him that all my son would have to do is go to school and repeat what was said to him, and I could lose my son. It's not a small issue. My son has recently told me that my husbands brother has hit him, pushed him etc.

There's availability at that apartment for December. Looks like I am moving and I won't have to leave my husband.

Thank you guys so much. You have all really made me not feel so alone. I have been able to vent and get my stuff in order and get my mind back on track.

I wish I could hug each and every one of you. You really are a helpful community.

oh he did eh? does that 23 year old know what hot water he'd be in if anyone in authority heard this?
i do hope you get that apartment dayum soon. all of you need to be away from this toxic situation.

I'm so happy for you!!!! That's great that you got the apartment.

I'm so glad you got that apartment, hun. Get out of there as soon as you can so that you can provide your son with a better living environment. Your brother-in-law sounds like a complete tool.

It sucks that this had to happen before Thanksgiving, too. What happened to being, um, thankful for what you have? I'm sorry to say this, but your mother-in-law sounds like she's closing all ears and eyes to what the brother is doing.

If you need any help, please let us know. I'm in the Philly area and if you need to talk/vent I can give you my number.

I know, tomorrow is going to be awkward, I am trying to get a hold of my friend in Philly to ask her if she can take my son and I in for thanksgiving because I don't want to sit at the table and pretend like everything is fine. It's not.

My brother in law, is on a lot of medication, and its no excuse. But mentally he isn't well. I think getting out will be good for everyone.

I am not used to not dealing with things. I am the type of person who addresses problems as they arise so they don't bubble over. This bubbled over and now everything is a mess.

My family in Canada is SO worried now. They want me to file a report with the police in case something happens to me or my son.

The one thing that sticks in my head is last night my brother in law said: "I'll tear your family apart thread by thread"

I don't understand why.

My warmest wishes go out to you Sprailenes! It is definetely is hard when people let their feelings fester and then just explode out at you when you least expect it. It is nice to see a parent caring for their child the way you are (so many in the world today have lost the parenting values).

I would highly suggest that IF moving back to would be the only resort, please check out Canadian Immigration. When my husband and I first got married, we thought it would be fairly simple. Get married, pack and move to Canada. Not so easy. The immigration packet is very straight forward and easy to fill out, but there are big differences between filing in Canada and out of Canada. One thing to keep in mind, if he moves here with you and you file in Canada, it would be quite some time before he would be able to legally work. When we did my packet, we were looking at close to a year without legal right to work(now granted time frame may have changed, so that would be something to look at). When we looked at the big picture, a year with no income from me would have been tight for us, let alone me going bonkers just sitting around

I hope for your sake that you do find an apartment and are able to finish your immigration there in the states. Your family's happiness and safety is the important factor. I have been in a similiar situation with my ex-husband. I was so relieved and joyous when we finally bought our home. Living with in-laws, especially ones that 1)are not very nice and 2)one that no matter what, their immediate family never do anything wrong .....is extremely difficult to live with. I can truely feel for you and pray that you find a solution, and fast. When life tosses challenges/hurdles at us, it usually has a reason as to why, although we may not understand why at the time.

Best I can do for you right now



Hang tight Sprailene, your path just hit a slight a curve. Ride with it and it will straighten out for you

It sounds like your brother in law is very spiteful (even with his mental illness). Could it possibly be some jealousy lashing out? You had mentioned that you are planning a May wedding.....maybe your bro in law doesnt like you and your husband having a some special attention for the wedding(hence the email about a dj from MIL). There defientely is no excuse anyone can munster up that would justify his actions. He is just down right mean and vindictive(to lash out a child).

One thing is certain, you didnt have to say much for this community to see that the environment your surrounded with right now is not a healthy or productive one. I dont know you and you dont know me, but I will keep your family in my prayers that you do get your apartment in december!

I think his brother doesn't know how to deal with other people in his personal space. I understand that, its hard for everyone to deal with change.

I think there could be some jealousy issues as well.

But these issues won't be fixed until all parties admit they're wrong and he doesn't want to admit anything, and his mother stands in front of him making excuses for him too. They are always saying: "Why shouldn't he be angry?" "He didn't ask for this"

I was raised to be responsible and take responsibility.

His mother agreed with the brother last night. And if we didn't see things happen, then they didn't happen. And my son is blowing all of this out of proportion.

And she yelled at me and said: "It doesn't help that you email him 55 times a day tell him what goes on when he's not here" *BTW its not 55 times a day...its once a week at most when things get bad*

So I am not supposed to communicate with my husband? Yes if Ethan tells me something like if my brother in law swears at him or something, I will tell my husband. Why shouldn't I? Its HIS brother.

If I am in the wrong by communicating these issues to my husband please just let me know.

I didn't think it was wrong to tell my husband of these issues. But thats just my perspective.

In my view, you have EVERY right to inform your husband by any way necessary. Cause you know what, the first time you didnt let him know, that would be the time that it would backfire horribly. For a good relationship, there has to be communication. Your husband has the right to know what is going on. If I were you, I would not stop doing what your doing.

Heck, when my hubbie and I lived apart, we use to flood each others mailboxes hehe. But I truely feel that is what helped us be the strong couple we are today.

Yea I dont know what she meant.

Does she just want me to sweep everything under the rug like she does?

In my opinion thats how outbursts happen, just like the one that happened last night.

I think we honestly need a mediator. As long as his mother is refusing to admit there's an issue with all parties involved, things will never change. She's acting as a mediator but she is bias. It won't work.

might i suggest a louisville slugger?

I am glad you can move out in December. I don't see why you could lose your son, you are aware of what is going on and are trying to help, not to hide anything. So IMO the only person in trouble would be the brother.

But anyways, try to keep everything calm until you move out. The brother definitely has some bad mental issues. And the MIL as well.

There is nothing wrong with telling that stuff to your husband. My husband made it clear to me once, nobody, NOBODY would ever get between us except his kids, and I love his kids and his kids love me. But anyone else, Mom, brother, dad, etc, if they want to be jacka$$es it's not going to do anything between us. He seems to think he can mess up your life by "tearing" your family and he will probably try to abuse you and your son verbally as much as he can... Don't listen to him and report anything threatening he could do.

Anyways, I am so mad at these people and I don't even know them...Grrrr

Hope you will be out of there soon. Let us know

That's great. I hope the apartment works out.

Can you somehow use the loan for the place instead of for the wedding?