Hello
If anyone is up at this time at night would really appreciate an honest answer. I met Salah my fiance in Jan. in May after I arrived, payed for the apartment for a month ( as his job is not providing him enough money to live on) he asked me for 200 euro to pay for a bed with a bunch of guys. As of June I have paid. I understand that work is not good for him, and have asked him on occasion to go back to Morroco where he could live for free. He said he would go if I went with him. He does not care he says about the visa.. and on to go further would rather live in Italy than the U.S. I am the one who thinks he should live here, as my buisness and I think life here is better. Anyway in a nutshell, yesterday, he called me to tell me that the Italian police had confiscated his posters. ( he sells these on the street) I lost it. I told him to move back to Morroco..went on and on about supporting him with his apartment for six months. Anyway, I don't know what to think. Is the guy using me? In my gut I dont think he is..
any wisdom would be grea!! And I realize this site is for visas and not for relationship help.
thank you
regina

What's he going to do if and when he gets to the US?

I say trust you gut instinct. One of the "red flags" of the middle eastern relationship is asking for money and support....always having an excuse or "emergent" situation that requires your financial help. Only you however, can determine if this situation exsists. My SO lives in Egypt...has no work as of yet although has looked and never has "asked" for money. He'd never dream of it. Use your instincts.

he worked in a restaurant in morroco.. he would like to work as a waiter and learn about the restaurant buisness...

I agree. you have taken care of him for 6 months already. if you keep doing it he will never try to work. You will find out that in many relationships that are like this the person is using the other for money. Jobs are hard to find in some countries but my soon to be wife is from the Philippines and its very hard to find a job there but she has never asked me for money. I also think it should tell you something when he has already told you he doesnt want to live in the US or wont go back to Morroco where its free. You have to stop and think what are his real reason for this. FYI there is a a Yahoo club or group that talks just about relationship scams. You may want to search for it

Isn't that a red flag for any relationship?

You've only known this guy 11 month and he's already asking for money. I know you probably have your heart invested in this man but honestly, he shouldn't be asking you for money. If I were you, I would've dropped him after the first request for money. I don't care how poor he is. If he didn't know you he would be surviving, right? He'd find a way to get by.

I get so frustrated by these guys who think they're "owed" something because they're poor or have crap jobs. Boo hoo...not your problem. They look at Americans with dollar signs in their eyes. He's a grown, healthy man. Tell him to put his big boy pants on and go out and work another job if money is that tight. Sorry for being harsh but I'm passionate about this subject.

Yep! Something my husband has mentioned on numerous occasions is that if a middle eastern man asks for money from any women, then that's an issue. This is strickly him talking about men from his country which is Egypt. He said he's seen so many men, meet women and then ask for money......from a hundred to thousands of dollars and women will give it to them because they "love" them. My husband was low on funds while waiting for his visa and he never asked me for money. Even though he was not working I never paid a penny on any of my trips to Egypt. Go with your gut feeling, but be careful.

What I found strange is that he'd rather stay in Italy working ilegally as a street seller (as long as he does not have a work permit he is an ilegal worker there) instead of coming to America with all his papers in order to be with you and work legally! That makes no sense. Even when in Europe the quality of life could be better.. he wont make a living selling stuff on the street.


We can't tell you what to do, but please be VERY careful!

I thought you supported your husband financially because he had to not take a job that had a contract that could interfere with the visa process?



I was like why would he want her to be in bed with all those guys???

Are you actually paying rent for him and a bunch of guys? Since June?

Why don't you completely stop paying for him and see what happens?

I think it is hard without all of the facts to judge. Your post doesn't really give a clear picture of what is going on, like if you're paying for a bunch of guys rent or for your husband's portion or if it was one time in June when he was in a tight spot or if it's been every single month. If he could live for free in Morocco and he just likes living in Italy and you are paying his rent each month so that he can live in Italy I don't think that's right. Heck who wouldn't want to live in Italy all expenses paid??? Kind of a sweet deal, you know? On the other hand if he lived in Morocco and was working hard to try to make ends meet but he stumbled every so often and you wished to help him out I think that would be different but then it's hard when we're not exactly in the position you are in to judge the situation.

I think stopping all funding to him for a while might give you a clearer picture of what is going on.

I think this is the best advice . You'll know if he's using you or not based on what happens after you stop all funding.

Hugs,

Ayesha

I think the advice given so far is good.

In nearly any culture around the world, a self respecting, good man would not ask for money from his girlfriend/fiancee. A good man should have enough pride and self respect to live on what he can earn, even if it is a humble life.

He's asked for and received money from you already (after just 11 months) and that is not likely to change in the future. You need to ask yourself if this is the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with. It isn't a trait that speaks good of his character, but of course you have to weigh these out for yourself. It is difficult to look at your own relationship from a distance, but give long thought to what kind of man would ask for money from you so easily.

Best of luck,
Brian

I agree with you. I told him this morning I was not going to support him. He claims he is ok with this. we shall see.. this is a huge test of our relationship. I was the one who kept helping him every month ( 6 months total $1900 plus to expensive trips.. my choice also so I am to blame for this) the test is to come. I do not have an instinct at all about this.. I just dont want to fill like a bad person, but as I told him I did not make him come to Italy and he has a home in Marrakech he can live in.. He always tells me I can live there if I want for free and he would support me. But given he makes about $10 a day, this would not work for me. I am really confused.. but I think the only way I will know his true feeling for me.. is to completley cut him off. Which I am doing. Thank you for your post
regina


thank you Brian

Thanks Ayesha.. that is what i am planning on doing.. i iwill let you know. you and your fiance are very nice looking couple! All the best to you too!!!
regina

No, I never supported him financially. Well, I did buy him a cell phone when he dropped his from a balcony if that counts. True he could not work because the teaching contract could have interfered with the visa process, but I never sent him money and he never asked for it.

no sorry just for salah.. the place he lives in place in apartment where they have individual beds like a dorm, i have just paid for his bed

To pay for a bed so that he can support his buddies?
Just to give you a picture of what's in my mind.

oh my bad. I know there was someone here from Egypt with a husband who is a teacher and he had to stop working 'cause he couldn't sign a contract due to the visa process. I could have sworn it was you that helped him out meanwhile but it must have been someone else.

Anyway I still think it depends on the situation and each situation is different. For example in the situation above, forget who it was again , I think it's perfectly reasonable that the wife help out the husband since it's because of the husband leaving the country that he has to discontinue working.

Dear Regina,

Yes, relationships are mutual use. You were giving he was taking. The real question I think you want to ask is "What are you getting out of this?" At least that is what my councelor told me to ask myself when I was facing similar trust issues.

My Husband doesn't ask me for money he sends me money. He says any Arab Muslim man that asks his spouse for money is not a man. He even has trouble accepting money if I offer it. But my Husband is from Egypt and yours is from Morocco so maybe they look at things differently there. I applaud you for listening to your inner voice and cutting him off financialy to see what comes of it. It sounds like the most healthy thing to do for now! I am sure you'll both work it out.

With lots of love from me to you,
Olivia

This doesn't look good. I think it's pretty clear that he is using you. You should definitely stop sending him money. That is not ok.

Italy and Spain are full of illegals from Morocco. Theycant get a work permit so they work in the streets selling crap and CD's/ They live six to a room....kinda of reminds me of the illegals here.

He couldnt even use the Consulate there is he wanted to.

you fell for a street vendor??

tisk, tisk, didn't you learn your lesson last time you posted in this forum?

My only advice would be to never change your future plan for someone else. Always think of yourself and never settle or do something that doesn't feel right. When making choices like who you are going to spend the rest of your life with - be selfish - don't settle for anything less than EVERYTHING! If he's the one - you'll know it.

Just letting you know what my fiance is like with me. He NEVER let's me send him money. Even when I go to visit, he does not let me pay for anything but the gifts I bring home to my family and friends. He pays for eveything else we do, traveling, tourism and food. He always make sure I have bottled water and diet pepsi. lol

It is strange because you do not want to be taken advantage of but at the same time you want to help the one you love.

Just out of curiosity does your fiance live at home or does he have his own place?

My husband Hassan has never asked me for money. The many times I went to visit him he paid for the plane tickets and hotel room and everything, I never had to spend a penny. He said that the man should provide fully for his wife and he should never ask the woman for money. He treats me like a princess, I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful man. Allah has blessed me with an angel.

Ok I'll ask the question in another way. For the dudes that never ask their fiance's/wives for money, do they live at home?

My husband owns his own home, he doesn't live with his parents.

I sure hope no one means to, but posters sure seem to be implying in this thread that if there is an exchange of money that there must be something wrong with the man.

Sure, there are a lot of scammers out there and women are being duped. BUT sending money in and of itself does not signal a flawed relationship. All the boasting about how my hsbands doesnt take money - what does that prove?

That would be a good poll!

I never asked for money from Hicham, and he never asked for money from me. I wouldn't be too impressed if he asked for money on a regular basis from me.

I wasn't boasting I was just telling people mine and my husbands view of the matter. I'm not saying that if money was being exchanged by other couples that it should be a red flag, I was just stating how Hassan and I feel about that matter.

My thoughts exactly. Sorry to be so crude but it's like a P!ssing contest amoung some women on here about who's husband spent the most on them and who's never took money when times were tough. That's not really the way I would measure a man. Some people's men say that a middle eastern man who would take money from a woman are less than a man, yet those same men are chatting with 16 year old girls on the internet..not exactly the type of person I want to take advice from.

The point of my question is that I know most of the men who live in the poorer countries, (Kuwait appears to have no citizens below poverty level according to the cia guideline, though I don't know how up to date that is), also live with their parents. Is it that big of an achievement to pay for thier fiance/wife when they really have no other responsibilities? Not imho.

Again, I think you have to judge each situation individually and look at ALL the facts. You can just broadsweep and say that if a mena man takes money from his wife then he is less than a man. What happens when he comes to the US and pays it all back and then some? Did he suddenly move up to a "real" man? I know men who pay for everything and they're cheatin' lyin' sob's. You have to look at the entire picture.

That's all I'm saying. Some may come on here and read this stuff and rethink their relationship because *gasp* they sent their husband about $200 one time when things were rough. All because some people on a message board say that they never sent money and their husbands/fiances would never take it. I know for a fact at least one of the women on this thread is lying. Why? To make others on here think you're all that 'cause your husband never took money from you? Honestly who gives a sh!t what other people think? It's YOUR relationship and quite frankly if you're old enough to have traveled and gotten married I *think* you're old enough to know when something smells fishy and when something is authentic. If not then oh well I guess you'll learn a lesson (hopefully) but please don't make a decision based on what some people here and on other boards say. People are not always what they make themselves out to be.

That's very true.

I personally think that sending large quantities of money each month abroad is a bit sketchy. Like many have said before- how did that man get along before the woman was sending allowance?

I absolutely agree! I guess what is bothering me is that there are all these blanket statements about how "myman is a good man because he _________". If it were that easy to distinguish the good men from the bad ones, we wouldnt see so many women get duped around here.

I worry about the VJ member who is reading all this oversimplified (and sometimes misleading) posts and starts to doubt her own judgement because her fiance/husband doesnt conform to the accepted VJ MENA behavior and he really is a god guy.

Most definitely. If you're sending a monthly allowance of sorts that is something I would want to look into a lot further and see what the circumstances are. And how did he get along before? Did something in his situation change drastically? Even then though, large quantities of money abroad to most of the mena countries in here is really unnecassary since there's a huge gap between the value of the US dollar and for example the Egyptian pound.

(laughing) The same thought occurred to me, I was like "what the h--l?" hahahahahahaha..............sorry to the person who posted tho, no disrespect meant.

It is most definitely dependent on each individual relationship. No one can tell you that you're doing the right thing or the wrong thing. Of course it's very hard to look at your own relationship objectively, but if you're asking the question, then there's something telling you that something is wrong for you, in your particular situation.

If you have all the money in the world, and don't mind giving your money away so he can live in Italy, then that works for you... but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

That being said, I don't think it bodes well for your relationship for you to tell him you're going to "cut him off" - that sounds more like a parent/child relationship to me, and it sounds like a threat. I think having an adult conversation with him about it would be prudent, along with halting any funds you are sending him for the time being.

Unless because of you becoming a we his life has changed, I'm not sure I would pay for his room and board.

I'm not one to pass judgement, just idle thoughts only. (OH and i do apologize for laughing at the bed part of the post awhile ago it just struck me as funny the way it was worded).

IF: One of my daughters were in the same situation and asked me for advice, mine would be to them that a man should be able to take care of himself, on his own, before he is in a position to marry and start a family. That's just my personal thinking though. I realize that in different parts of the world culture is different, however, at the end of the day, a person, especially a man, who can't take care of himself is not really seen as ready for marriage or family.

That's my answer. Good luck to both of you.

David and Nitadyah

BP you are so much more eloquent than me!!!!

he's the one with the halo

If my man waited for me to do something, well he would be waiting. I do try to do things, he asked me the other day to get an attorney, in my defense I did look at a few names. Hesham knows me and has hire the attorney while I was still looking at the names. Than I am flying soon to Kuwait, so being a good wife, I send him some flights, I think he was not impressed with the 9 hour layover in Amsterdam. Look like a good plan to me, but I know my old man and he right away took the plans in his own hands. I have to say I am just really lucky to have a husband that takes over this kind of stuff. He does the work that requires brains and i am for presentation. I am great at my professional life, but when it comes to personal life, I have to say I am bad, so I had to have a man take over that kind of thing. I would say that if you are ok with doing all the work and happy than let it stand. If you don't like that kind of thing, find someone who will do at least a little work with you, and if you are like me and a damn mess, just find a man who will take good care of you. I do things, like call him at 2 in the morning to tell him I love him, he really loves that. I use to try to be something that I was not, and of course that didn't do so well. I say whatever floats your boat, and if you are happy than who cares what the world thinks. I know once he is here, my job will become main topic, he hates the fact that I work, and work with men even makes it wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy worst. Oh well just be happy and do what you think is right. No one should call anyone names here, if you want to support a man than hey do it, and if you want a man to support you, than do it, and if you both want to share, here again do it. It really is up to the couples, for us, he takes care of the visa business, and plane tickets and all that other stuff, I read up on serial killers hoping one day to work with them in a maximum lock down, at least interview them. I do have another dream, live in Amsterdam one day.

I've lost all respect for you.

He lives with his parents but does contibute to the household and pays for his own bills, ex: cell phone.

I was not trying to pee any more than the next woman only give he MY experiance with MY fiance. Seems as though we have hit button with some.