I have been posting regularly under another username but feel the need to vent anonymously.

I have been getting ready to file for CR-1/K-3 visa for my husband - we married in his (poor)country in June but I have been delaying filing because I have plenty of doubts. I think we married too soon for me to undertake something like the visa process which will disrupt my life(USC) perhaps even more than his - I wish I could have spent more time with him in his country, possibly even years, seeing what I alone will have to do to make a life for us here... I feel like I am the husband and he is the wife, even my mom said this.

I live in a very expensive metro area and really cannot afford even a studio on my salary - it is enough for the Affadavit of Support(a little over $40K) but not to live comfortably here without an additional income. To save on expenses I have been sharing a 1-bedroom apt. with a roommate. I envy those of you lliving in modest areas who have a nice cozy nest, only your SO is missing... I honestly wish it were that simple for me. It would be hard for me to move because I am in a hard-to-get-work field and do not drive so need to live in a major metro with decent transit and that means $$$ rent. In order to rent an apt. I will need to save up or borrow from my retirement account maybe $3-6K(depending on how many months' rent I will need to offer up front because of my sucky credit and if I have to go through a broker), that is if I am lucky to find a place for $1k/month that doesn't have 10 people with stellar credit ahead of me in line. Then there are the expenses for furniture, etc. My parents have not offered to help me even one bit, even to cosign on a lease. So in addition to visa fees, his airfare(about $1400), etc. I will need to pay that and he cannot contribute anything. So until he can find work I will be seriously overextended and if he gets K-3 then how long until he gets EAD/GC?

So all of this is weighing very heavily on my mind...I was thinking about how am I going to get the visa app fees together and then he asks me yesterday if I can send money because one of his family members is sick - I just sent him money for a festival 2 weeks ago and now he is asking me again. I am older than he is by more than 10 years and all of this is bringing up so many doubts... I am feeling like the stereotypical desperate old USC who is being taken for a ride and then he will leave me as soon as he gets GC... I am ready to say to hell with the visa, if you really want to be with me then we will live in your country even if your job opportunities are not as good... but deep inside I am feeling like he married me only so he can make money overseas to help his family, hopefully this is only partially the reason and not the whole reason... About children he says we can adopt, even though he is the only son in the family - I feel like in his culture this is very odd even though he says adoption is becoming more and more accepted. He may be genuine but only time will tell - I do love him and want to believe but it hurt me so much when he asked me for money twice in such a short time span - it just sounds so much like some of the scammer stories I have read. I did not send it to him a second time.

I would move to his country in a heartbeat - I traveled there several times before I met him and know it very well, speak some of his language and had people interested in interviewing me for teaching positions. He says 'we will move back after living in USA' but I am thinking it would be so much cheaper to move there and not to have to deal with low salaries/high rents here. Also I should not be saying this about my own husband but I feel like I want to test him and make sure he is not with me only for the "2 year plan', after me going through so much hell to bring him here and to make a nice life for the both of us. My biggest fear is that by doing so I will kill any chances to work in my career if/when we come back to the US.

Any thoughts? I know, I should have waited longer to marry, but it is normal in his culture to marry quickly.

Well, I don't know you so it's difficult to give advice. You realize you married too soon, and I agree with you on that. If you have any doubts you should wait. This is too important of a decision to go into lightly.

As for him asking for money, you're not the ATM machine. Does he not work?

Sounds like you have a lot of soul searching to do. I wish you luck.

I'm sorry you are going through this. One thing, I can't tell from reading your posting whether you actually love him? You don't mention it. It almost sounds like you are going through with this because you feel you HAVE to at this point rather than you WANT to?

When you are talking about doubt, you are telling us that you are not really ready for this marriage.

I am now married with my American husband only because of love.
We knew eachother for 3 years before this marriage. Had alot of contact everyday by phone and emails. We saw eachother only 5 times by visiting.
But even we were not much together we knew eachother very good and could even argue online. I feel that this is the best relationship I have build up ever, because we went through alot together. This experience told us very much how we were acting in different situations. This told me that I was really ready to live with this man. We are together now and I don't feel any difference in his reactions. He have still not surprised me with things I wasn't adware about.

By experience of a bad marriage I can tell that my sons dad was a big mistake for me, since we only did marry because of our son.
I used alot of bad energy to keep this going and a big regretion in my life.
Now I am 49 and I wasn't forced to marry a man I didn't love.

Learn him better before you are taking further steps.
Be sure that you can handle your maybe different cultures.

Anette

See, that right there. I agree with that.

I would sell my soul if I had to in order to get my love here. I'm barely hanging on financially, but I'll do what I have to do. Period. End of story for me.

I know though, that he's not using me for anything. You don't "know" that do you? That has to be a very difficult thing to deal with.

I am so sorry I was reading your post too fast.
I didn't realize that you were already married.
But I suggest that you don't ruin your life using up your energy on this marriage. You don't need to do further steps for his GC if you feel you are not ready

My take on this is that you are worrying about things that you probably really need to sit down and think about. No one ever seems to have enough money for everything. And this process is longer and harder then anyone could ever imagine. The expenses can be stagering. I know....been there....done that....still digging out of the hole. And, cultural differences will always be there. In my experience, people come out of the woodwork asking for money too.

One important thing to keep in mind when raiding your retirement account is that there are tax consequences of that. Please check with whomever does your tax return or look up some data on that. I did that and the consequences were like 10%. Be prepared.

If you are having doubts of any kind, you need to slow down and really think about it. Despite the "marrying quickly" of his country, the sending money overseas and the age difference, things can work out for you. My husband fights constantly with those overseas about sending money we don't have and we also have a 12 year age difference. Neither of those things make a bit of difference in the whole scheme of things. That being said, I still think you need to step back and take a serious look at your relationship. Then, you need to figure out if it is important enough to you that you want to do whatever it takes to be together or if you think it would be better to just walk away.

There is no shame in saying something is not going to work out and moving on. I do think carrying on as if things were all fine and dandy when they aren't, is stupid.

If your hubby happens to be from Jamaica, you can PM me if you wish. I've seen and heard it all.

That's exactly what I could say too

[quote name='Jomo's girl' date='Nov 7 2007, 07:51 AM' post='1310241']

Jomo's girl

I know it is out of topic. But I can't stop telling you now, that everytime I see your wedding photo here I am thinking What a beatyful looking couple.
I wish we had that kind of photo taken

Anette

Please DON'T apply for a visa for your husband. It is situations like yours that make is so much harder for the rest of us who are in mutually loving relationships not in financial/green card arrangements. If you think you do want to spend the rest of your life with the guy then you should go there and not offer any resources other than what the two of you can earn working in his country.

I do love him very much, but at the same time I am trying not to go forth with blinders on - I was previously involved with someone from the same country who later admitted that if his family had let him he would have married me only for a GC and stick around for 2 years, so I am scared.

Personally I do not care where we live as long as we can have a reasonably secure future. He is not now working(he is taking computer networking courses) and jobs are very limited in his country, so he does not have income.



No I don't really 'know' and that is what is killing me now, especially after he asked for the additional $$ after I told him my financial situation. There is someone else on the forum who thought she 'knew' and then after 5 years byebye... This is what scares me.

Hmmm.... this is so tough... only you can decide, but if he is doing this for love, then I would expect that he would understand and tolerate a delay (with no allowance) while you get your financial house in order... just an idea. It may be best not to rush into this if your intuition is waving red flags for you.

Can you take a leave of absence or something and go spend some more time with him?

As someone who occasionally feels like the "husband" (although those stereotypical role definitions are a bit outdated... dontcha think?), it is a fair amount of work, especially with a spouse whose employment opportunities are limited due to poor English skills and no college degree. It'll be years and a lot of hard work and maybe more school before my husband makes what I make, if ever, and I'm just a lowly govt employee with a pretty low salary.

I'm wondering what is he doing to help make this all happen?

Just a few thoughts...

Best wishes, whatever you decide...



Maya

Awww....thank you. Funny thing is, that is staged. Our actual wedding was just a formality, small, in our living room. We have every intention of going back to Jamaica and renewing our vows with the whole big shin dig. Life just took over and we haven't made it back yet. I made those flowers in the picture.

And, someone from the VJ St. Louis dinner last weekend actually told me the picture did not do me justice. I'm pretty sure she was just drunk when she said that!

I am in your shoes, my husband and I did not date long enough and if you look at our post you will see what were going through. It's not fun and it's a burden that ways heavy on me I too had been the ATM and things we are going through I feel like if we eally dated I probally wouldn't have doubts. I can tell you the people on here are full of good advice. Just listen and pray. One thing I found out is that you know in your heart what to do but that weak flesh gets in the way. I know 1st. hand
rashell

Hmm, chances are she isn't too concerned about your visa at this point

It's easy for us to say that we will do whatever it takes and wait as long as it takes etc etc - which is a darn good thing and I feel that way too - however - we don't know enough here. It sounds as though she is surrounded by people - she mentions her Mother, who are nay sayers.

It is not easy for every person to be surrounded by people saying - you are older, he asked you for money?? How will you support both of you?? he is from a country full of people looking for an easy way to a GC. We just don't know enough about the OP or her situation to say - hey you are having doubts - so throw in the towel.

One other thing the OP mentioned "I feel like I am the husband and he is the wife, even my mom said this". New immigrants have it tough, generally they can't work for a while and there is an adjustment phase. While he isn't actually with you yet, he obviously comes from a poor country where money is hard to come by. It will not be the traditional man out working scenario for a while after he gets here (if you decide to go ahead with the visa), but you already knew that, I'm sure to your Mom it looks really strange.

All I'm saying is that we shouldn't jump to conclusions based on the little bit that we know.

Yah, that is a concern...........a secure future........I agree with what the person above said....my husband started out at just above minimum wage. And, he works his butt off. Almost a year later, he's had a promotion, two raises, and now carries his own health insurance. It is sometimes just more long, hard, bumpy road. If you are focusing on that, you may be disappointed.

IMO, if he is asking you to send him money and money to all his friends and/or relatives, KNOWING you are in financial straits, you have some reason to question. He needs to be helping you, not hurting.

I agree with you, though i think you are being a bit harsh. How many petitioners think they are in 'mutual loving relationships not in green card/financial arrangements' but the beneficary has other ideas? A lot of times(some of which I have seen on this forum) the petitioner does not know until years into the marriage that his/her spouse was playing a game.

Very true, happens all the time. I'm willing to take the chance. Of course, circumstances are different from yours. All I can do is wish you good luck, and to make the decision YOU feel most comfortable with.

Looked at in harsh light he is doing very little to make it all happen, except for taking classes in computer skills(networking, graphic design) which he hopes he can use when he is working here - also he is taking driving lessons. He says he is willing to do any job when he is here - waiter, security guard, etc. But in terms of thinking ahead towards actually moving away from home, going forward with the visa process, etc. , I think he feels that I will take care of everything and it is creating some resentment in me especially whe he adds money requests to the mix... He does not seem very curious about the visa process at all, does not even really question why it is taking me so long to get it moving... I think he feels that I will do everything and he just has to show up...

I wish I could take a leave of absence but I don't think that's possible.

Thanks for your take on our situation - I just wanted to add that my returement account is an annuity(TIAA-CREF) not a 401-K so I can take out a loan on it which I have to pay back at 5% interest - there is no tax penalty I think, at least according to my boss...

I think what you said about him asking for additional money even after you told him about your financial situation is a bit of a worry.

If you put the visa and moving etc etc aside - maybe this is a part of his character that you just aren't comfortable with. It does seems strange to me that he doesn't seem to care if you are eating or not as long as you send cash. If he was totally unaware of your financial situation - well that would be different.

Reverse the situation. You are struggling to make ends meet and you call and ask him for money - he explains that he is just barely getting by - what would be your reaction? You would probably make do with what you have and not cause him any further hardship. Those would be your standards. If he isn't of the same mind - that could be a problem.

And while I think it is good that he is taking classes and learning to drive etc etc - looking to make a better future for the two of you - the fact that he isn't taking responsibility for his house is also of concern.

As far as him not being interested in the visa process, that doesn't seem strange to me at all, I would venture a guess that in 80% of the relationships represented on this board there is 1 person who is looking after the visa details. I suspect this bothers you as he appears not to be taking responsibility for ANYTHING and this is just one more thing to add to the list (which isn't wrong - just the way it is).

So you are probably asking yourself how you can resolve this. Is there any other way, other than going to his country to live? Probably not, maybe that is what you should be looking at doing. I certainly wish you good luck and happiness.

Reading your post it's evident you are not comfortable with your current situation. Will things change...probably not as you have really already made your decision. As the other posts have replied, it is a hard, expensive and frustrating process.

QUOTE

QUOTE(sdmecuador @ Nov 7 2007, 08:58 AM) Please DON'T apply for a visa for your husband. It is situations like yours that make is so much harder for the rest of us who are in mutually loving relationships not in financial/green card arrangements. If you think you do want to spend the rest of your life with the guy then you should go there and not offer any resources other than what the two of you can earn working in his country.

I agree very much with this post. This is the only way for you to get rid of your doubt OR to confirm it.

Whatever happens I wish you the best of everything.

So sorry to hear your worries. As said above, if you have an doubts at all, what harm is there in postponing?
I was fortunate in that before arriving in the States I worked my ***s off in the UK to save as much money as poss.
This was so that when my EAD wait occurred, there werent any extra financial hurdles.
If you have any doubts about his intentions, then really slow down. How does he react at the suggestion of not living in the US?
It must be very difficult to be able to sense sincerity, when your husband stands to gain so much more than just a wife.
I remember back in the UK, when I had my own flat in a nice part of London, everytime Id meet a new guy, they
would miraculously become homeless within 2 weeks of meeting.. its tricky.
I wish you all the best, and hope that you make a decision that is right for you.
x

The problem with the working your butt off part is that it is usually not possible in the 3rd world countries.

To his credit, under the current circumstances I am fairly comfortable financially - it is not like I am living on ramen noodles - we even tell each other what we ate every day when we IM because he knows I love the food from his country, especially if his mom made it. Since I have been living with a roommate in a rent controlled apartment I have been able to travel to his country 3 times in the last few years. Eating mostly homemade veg food and using public transit helps to save, as long as I am not also paying market rent. However, if we get our own market rate apartment as long as he is not working it will be an additional at least $7-900 per month expense on my part(additional rent/food/transit pass/health insurance) and I only bring home $2K monthly. God help us if there is any emergency in that time because there will be no extra and I am not accustomed to living that close to the edge financially. It will be stressful on top of all the other adjustment issues. I am trying to save in anticipation for that and that is what he doesn't understand. Yes I can afford to send it to him without a huge sacrifice on my part *now*, but it is the expectation that bothers me as well as the fact that he is not aware of how much things will cost when he comes and I have to pay for everything. At the moment I am fairly flush so I think that is why he feels no shame in asking.

This may sound stereotypical but some cultures are not as forward-thinking as others and have a more 'live now' attitude and I am wondering if this may be part of the problem - just trying to give him as much credit as I can since I do love him, do want a future with him and do want it to work out - bailing out is not an option for me at this point.

You go to the central business area of his capital city and there are so many institutes offering 'Study in US/UK/Aus' 'TOEFL' 'Work Abroad' - on every block there is at least 1 or 2 of these signs. I mean this is why I could get part-time teaching work fairly easily. Everyone wants to leave because there is no work there. I saw the Yellow Pages once and looked at employment agencies - they were all agencies focused on exporting workers to other countries, not ones for local jobs.

We had a discussion a couple of weeks ago and he said well then come here(to his country) so maybe it's a possibility, though like I said I would be worried about killing my career if/when we ever come back here. If I were to get a well-paying teaching job it would pay $400/month, many pay much less than that. Then again, rent is $50/month - $150 will get you a fully furnished apt. with all the mod cons.

This kind of situation where hubby benefits at the expense of the wife reminds me of stories I have heard of wives working their tails off putting their hubby through med or law school, only to have him leave once he is making good money and can afford a 'trophy' wife. I guess it can happen with a USC as well...

Okay,
I see, you live in New York
If you are not sure about your relationship and can't really afford to "invest" in relationship because you don't know if it will pay off...
Here is what I would do if I was in your place:
go to his country and make my own money by teaching (you say you can). Stay for at least a year. It will give you a chance to see what is going on with your relationship AND you will have an awesome experience of living abroad. It is also a good proof for the embassy that relationship is bona fide. AND may be you can do direct consular filing!
I would not worry about career at this point. If you can not make enough money to live on your own (assuming you are older than 30) and you do not foresee a major break (I mean salary of $100,000 and up) - then who needs a job like that.
There are plenty of big cities where you do not have to drive. In Chicago, you could live in the city and rent a 1-bedroom for $500 + utilities.
Why don't you drive, anyway?!..


Heh, that's how I feel, and I am the alien female And that's not a problem for us, either


Taking a year off is not going to kill your career. Unless you dance ballet? As I said above, if your career does not allow you the standard of living that you want, it may be time to reconsider careers anyway

My So comes from a poor country in Africa. It is very very hard to find work there and for many, you have to have money in order to find work. Which is a vicious circle. But I guess your post struck me for a couple of reasons. My SO had contract work and he had quit because they sent him all over Africa to work on a moments notice. That wasn't conducive to this process obviously and he's looking for something in Ghana that is more stable. It's been about a year, so I think he's near if not already has, exhausted his savings from his last job. He never asks me for money. I've asked him a few times how he's doing with money and he always says, I'll manage baby. Culturally, for him to ask his "wife" for money is embarassing and I don't think he'd ever do it. I ask him questions about what he ate and stuff like that and I think that he would go to one of his brothers for help with money or something he needs rather than ask me. Because he sees his role as the provider. I realize that if something happened and I felt I really wanted to send him money, I could send money via western union or however people do it, and then he'd have no choice cause it's already done. (He's stubborn as a mule, so I might have to coerce but whatever) I would however, say this.....Bassi and I talk about money often just so he hears the numbers. My $1000 mortgage is absurd to him. It has no real value in a country where people make $100 a month. But I think that the more he hears the numbers the closer he can get to the reality when he's here of trying to understand our monetary system and the costs of things here. So many of the men on the Africa-Sub-Saharan board are going through a similar situation and they struggle desparately with feeling like less than a man because they aren't working. There has to be a balance in what you expect from your husband and his ability to understand our system and what he is asking you to do. Asking your for money to go to a festival is frivolous to me. If my fiance's mother say (God protect her) were sick and he couldn't get money anywhere for the hospital stay, I would hope he would ask me. But his pride and self respect would not allow him to ask me for money to party or play. So, maybe you need to be having a serious conversation with your husband because money issues is one of the leading causes of divorce in this country. So even if he isn't trying to scam you for a GC you could end up on the same path.

I would also add, that when I said to my SO, Fine, I'll come live in Ghana. He asked me when he should pick me up at the airport! Moving there would happen soooooo much faster than moving here, and he wants to be with me, married to me, living life with me.......the where we can work out however. And it would not be "easy" for me to find work there, because I"m a public administrator here. Are you sure your husband wouldn't be okay with you moving there and living there for a while? I find it odd, that he's so married to the idea of being in the US. Maybe you're misreading his intent and he'd be happy for you to move there.

Sorry for the long post. I guess I started babbling.

Sorry I wasn't really clear on the festival expense - it was not for my hubby to go party and so on, it was for a gift for him to give his grandparents from us as a newlywed couple at this particular time of year which is a tradition in his country - since I could not be there in person I did not want to be stingy in this regard.

I do think this is true to a certain extent. For example, my husband's family has no mortgage, no rent. They have built and expanded their home with their own hands over a period of years. They have some health insurance, but if someone in his country does not have it, there is free healthcare, even though that system is overburdened. And most of all, the family members routinely lean on each other financially. That communal attitude about money is pretty strong. Life there is expensive, but they don't have the sheer number of monthly expenses that we have here. I do think that as much as I discussed the financials with my husband before he arrived, there was no way he could really "get it" until he came here and experienced it himself. And there were times before he came when I felt like he didn't understand exactly what burdens I was feeling on this side of the ocean. That's because he didn't understand. He couldn't understand. But he sure gets it now, and in our case, he has jumped in and carried that burden right beside me. Since you and your husband are already married, it may feel very normal to him to discuss money with you the way he has done, the same way he might ask a family member there to help out, and if he doesn't see you as financially strapped and struggling, he may just not be able to see what you are seeing since he has no frame of reference.

The bottom line is you are uncomfortable enough about the situation to be writing anonymously about it. You've mentioned that you feel like you don't really know him. That's the thing. The same request might not set off those warning bells for you if you really, really knew him well. If it worries you this much, that's significant, regardless of what your husband's true intentions are, and at the very least, you need to have a good discussion about this (or better, a series of them) with your husband. It would be wonderful, as others have suggested, if you could just get away and live with him in his country for a while. It might halt your career for a time, but if it gave you a clear answer about your marital issues, perhaps it would be worth that sacrifice. You're the only one who can answer that because you know your job prospects better than anyone here. But I do agree that as long as you are feeling this much worry, it isn't time to file for that visa. You aren't under a filing deadline as far as the government is concerned. Could you at least make another visit or two, even a short one, and maybe talk to a neutral party, perhaps a counselor, who can look past stereotypes and help you better identify what you are dealing with? There are sure to be many things you haven't shared here, so nobody here is in a position to advise anything except to postpone petitioning for his visa until you are more settled inside.

Best wishes.

Wishing you the best in whatever you decide.

Jackie

I wouldn't really call it a "live now attitude". In Jamaica, I would call it survival.

Like the Ghana gal said, making $100 a month is pretty standard in some countries. When you add in their family they are helping support, saving is pretty much non-existant.

He may have that living in the US attitude because that is how many foreigners feel. They see "America" on the tv and in movies and sometimes even just watching tourists throw money around their countries and they think it is so much easier living in the US. It is a harsh reality sometimes when they get here and find out we work really hard for what we have and some of us only get to relax when we are on those vacations. I know my own husband has had a time getting over some of the stereotypes he had in his mind before he came. And, we know we will never get those out of the heads of any friends or family we left behind. So, his living in the US attitude may be because he feels a bit helpless and thinks once he gets to the US he will get that great job and be able to support not only his wife; but also his family he left behind.

The only real problem here is not knowing if he is scamming you are not. Its not a big deal to "be the husband" if its just for a short bit. Or even forever. I don't really care who earns more in the family, as long as we are both happy in our jobs. For the record, after only being here just over 2 years, my husband earns more than me and we bought a beautiful house together. It was difficult financially until he got his Work Permit. But it was so worth it.

Has the husband intimated that he has wishes that his name is added as beneficiary on any annuities, savings accounts or property that you own outright?

If you aren't sure you might want to stop and re-evaluate everything

Wishing you much strength and courage during this time.

Just a thought here: The adjustment period is difficult enough.... it would be exponentially so if you were constantly questioning his motives once he arrived.

Jen

Well said.

Omg I love you to be so honest about everything. But I do like your photo still. Your husband is awesome good looking Still even the photo is fake your are both still good looking. I wonder if I can put in the photo here that I want so much for you to see LOL

huh?

You should ask yourself why you got married to him in the first place.If it was out of the fear of being lonley then am sorry but you are laying on the bed you made,however you still have control of your future.
The visajourney is one too stressful to enter with the mindset you have now.Didnt you know this man before you married him? how come you are just realizing he is from a "poor" country.
I think you should weigh your priorities and do what you feel is best.It is never to early to correct a mistake.I gather your spouse could be from africa or asia....it is odd for him to want to adpot!
I wish you the best of choices.

Good luck!

??? What did they do for "festival" and sick family memebers before. This is his family problem, not new wife inanother country. Tell him you need a real grown ### man husband, not a pet. Husband should make your life easier not hardship.

Dont know about other countries but since I live in Egypt and we married March 2005, and for only love. He did not care whether we lived here or there. Egyptians do marry quickly. Most of them dont play around with too much dating. I've known a couple that got engaged after 1 month. Another couple married after 1 yr. If you are talking about Egypt, which is a poor country, then yes, it is common. I understand where you are coming from. There are alot of people not to be trusted no matter what country they live in. I have gotten alot of invites from men in Egypt and I even told them that Im very happily married and pregnant and they still wouldnt leave me alone. They said, "We can still be friends." I mean, why would men in Egypt want to be stranger/friends with someone else's wife?

I cant tell you to quit everything, I would just tell you what I would do if I were in your position. Seeing that your career is the most important thing in your life, and the employer takes good care of you and you have a large 401k going on, and loosing your place in this job is what scares you, then dont leave your job.
I say to put that first only because in my opinion, new couples that are 10 year age difference especially if the woman is 10yrs older, would have to take ALOT of love, trust and understanding in order to make it last a lifetime. If you feel comfortable living in this country for the rest of your life, give up your job, ready to sell everything you've got, and love each other very much, then go for it. Good luck on your decisions. I hope you get better responses than what I gave you. Best wishes ~Keri

Hey, let's not make generalizations here. My husband is from Africa and is very comfortable with and embraces the idea of adopting. It's something we both want to do!

Hi,
I understand how you are feeling. I do agree with people here that maybe you did enter into this marrige sooner then what you should have.....However, You did marry him.... YOu must have had some feelings of love for him.......I can see where you would be scared and nervous....we all are......all of us that are on this journey for a visa have had at one time or another the same thoughts as you .....You are normal....And its ok for you to be questioning and having the feelings you are.....The answers are all up to you......no one here knows the details of your situation. Just trust your heart to know what to do.....If you are seeing warning signs now then confront him ask him about it.....Talk to him.....Communicate with him.....Tell him your fears......tell him you are afraied that once he gets here he will leave you....see what his reaction is.........It is your Husband you should be talking to and being honest with.....If you tuely love him the way a wife loves her husband then no matter how scared you might be to tell him ......as your husband he has a right to know.........If he loves you the why a husband loves his wife then he will find a way to calm your fears.....To make you feel like you can trust him......He will put all that to rest.... I wish you all the best and hope things work out for you and him.....

I really feel for you kapakahi. This is a HUGE life-changing decision for you. When I have difficult decisions to make, I sit quietly for a long time and imagine life as it would be if I do one thing or the other. Go through all the possibilities in your mind, and see how your heart reacts. If you go ahead with the visa and he comes here and you life happily ever after, or if he leaves, or if you go there to live, or if you just delay for a long time, or if you don't file for visa at all. How do you feel in each situation? How do you see your future with or without him? Which risks are worth possible failure and which are not? There is no guarantee in marriage - people see each other for only a week before getting married and happily stay together forever; and others know each other for years but get divorced after awhile. Life is for LIVING, learning, growing, and getting stronger though all the happy and crummy experiences.

I faced a lot of the same things as you, I had doubts too because my husband would ask for money, not help with the visa paperwork, etc. I decided that in my own situation, I had to go for it, even if it didn't work out, at least I had grabbed an opportunity for happiness instead of continuing in my own boring, alone existence. However our situation was different, I knew him for years before we got married. I accepted his cultural quirks, was willing to adjust, and knew that with more life experiences, he would slowly understand my situation more. He does not express himself so much (not part of the culture!) but I am happily surprised to see how committed and helpful he is. He's really opening up in a way he never did in his country.

All our prayers are with you and we'll be around to support in whatever you decide!