If anyone has good or bad stories of marrying thier spouse, especially North African/Middle East men, I have a forum, so tell your story. If your story is bad, we can be a warning for other,s so they won't lose their money or their hearts, and if you have a good one, than tell us about him. IM me if you want to join, anyone is welcome.
http://greencardgurls.forumcab.com/viewfor...b4f2fe1a2801642
Full Version: changing mind about visa for husband
VisaJourney.com > General Family Based Immigration Topics > Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits
QUOTE(kapakahi @ Nov 7 2007, 10:24 AM) 
Thanks for your take on our situation - I just wanted to add that my returement account is an annuity(TIAA-CREF) not a 401-K so I can take out a loan on it which I have to pay back at 5% interest - there is no tax penalty I think, at least according to my boss... 
That is a good thing as far as the tax penalty goes. But, do you want to borrow money, even from yourself? Isnt' that just adding fuel to your already increasing fire?
I know this one. Really, I do. In retrospect, if there had been any other way, I wish I had taken it. Life is financially unstable now and it's absolutely no picnic. I love my husband and would do it all over again if I had to; but, I do wish things were financially easier now.
That hole you are currently digging will get even deeper even when he gets here, before it stops.
For the OP, I hope that you're able to make the best decision for yourself.
I also wanted to say that I agree with Jomo's Girl:
My husband worked hard in Brasil, but works even harder here because it pays off SO MUCH MORE. No matter how hard he worked - at a full-time job in an office or factory - he'd barely make more than $150/month.
That is very frustrating to many people - especially men.
I also wanted to say that I agree with Jomo's Girl:
QUOTE
The problem with the working your butt off part is that it is usually not possible in the 3rd world countries.
My husband worked hard in Brasil, but works even harder here because it pays off SO MUCH MORE. No matter how hard he worked - at a full-time job in an office or factory - he'd barely make more than $150/month.
That is very frustrating to many people - especially men.
One caveat about moving to his country. If he lives in a developing country, you may make a comfortable living there but it may not be 125% of the poverty limit that you will need to sponsor your husband when you decide to come back. An additional sponsor might be required.
QUOTE(Jomo @ Nov 20 2007, 04:35 PM)
That is a good thing as far as the tax penalty goes. But, do you want to borrow money, even from yourself? Isnt' that just adding fuel to your already increasing fire?
I know this one. Really, I do. In retrospect, if there had been any other way, I wish I had taken it. Life is financially unstable now and it's absolutely no picnic. I love my husband and would do it all over again if I had to; but, I do wish things were financially easier now.
That hole you are currently digging will get even deeper even when he gets here, before it stops.
I know this one. Really, I do. In retrospect, if there had been any other way, I wish I had taken it. Life is financially unstable now and it's absolutely no picnic. I love my husband and would do it all over again if I had to; but, I do wish things were financially easier now.
That hole you are currently digging will get even deeper even when he gets here, before it stops.
If it is the only way I can get enough money to put down for an apartment, then I will have to do it, otherwise we will be in the street... Since I filed for bankruptcy in '01 and I have no cosigner I may need to put up a few months' rent in addition to first, last, deposit... 5% interest is better than the rates on most credit card I would qualify for. My roommate has said we can stay with him for a few weeks or months until we get our feet on the ground but it will be very tight - it will be three adults in a small 1-bedroom, 1 bath apartment. The bedroom door does not lock or close properly(it is a prewar building with funky doorknobs/locks) so there will be no privacy unless my roommate is away... I just don't know what else to do...
QUOTE(sakurasama @ Nov 25 2007, 10:08 AM)
One caveat about moving to his country. If he lives in a developing country, you may make a comfortable living there but it may not be 125% of the poverty limit that you will need to sponsor your husband when you decide to come back. An additional sponsor might be required.
I was just musing about that the other day, wondering how that might work. On second thought it might not be feasible. I doubt that my mom would co-sponsor if she is not even willing to cosign on an apartment for me. If we go the DCF route and he gets the visa in his country, how long would I have to come back, reestablish myself, get a job before his visa expires? Does DCF only work if you have a trust fund or something like that back in the US?
I would probably only be able to make maximum $400/month in his country(probably lower) so this is a problem.
QUOTE(kapakahi @ Nov 28 2007, 10:34 AM)
QUOTE(sakurasama @ Nov 25 2007, 10:08 AM)
One caveat about moving to his country. If he lives in a developing country, you may make a comfortable living there but it may not be 125% of the poverty limit that you will need to sponsor your husband when you decide to come back. An additional sponsor might be required.
I was just musing about that the other day, wondering how that might work. On second thought it might not be feasible. I doubt that my mom would co-sponsor if she is not even willing to cosign on an apartment for me. If we go the DCF route and he gets the visa in his country, how long would I have to come back, reestablish myself, get a job before his visa expires? Does DCF only work if you have a trust fund or something like that back in the US?
I would probably only be able to make maximum $400/month in his country(probably lower) so this is a problem.
The 'foreign income' can't be used for the affidavit of support. So your only alternatives are co-sponsor or assets (because you are sponsoring your Husband it would have to be 3 x 125% poverty guideline amount in assets of Cash or assets that can be converted in to cash within 1 year with no hardship to the sponsor).
Yes I wonder how DCF people do it, especially those from Asian countries. They would need an able sponsor and means to get by, after returning to USA! 
ManuNSam (Delhi) did DCF, they were in AP but finally got the visa in March of this year, but no word from them since April. I wonder where they are, they didn't answer a PM I wrote.
ManuNSam (Delhi) did DCF, they were in AP but finally got the visa in March of this year, but no word from them since April. I wonder where they are, they didn't answer a PM I wrote.
QUOTE(kapakahi @ Nov 7 2007, 10:22 AM)
I wish I could take a leave of absence but I don't think that's possible.
You can take a leave of absence from this relationship to take a look at what is going on and see if you can deal with it when he arrives. Seems you are having a hard time now, and this will only multiply upon hubby's arrival. He won't miraculously find a great paying job quickly here either, and the financial hurdles may continue. Have you discussed his attitude with him? It seems if he can just ask for money so easily, knowing you are going through hardships to prepare for his arrival, he may continue to think this way when he comes.
I understand your concern about not being a GC girl, but even if that is not the case, you should try to evaluate his lax attitude toward finances.
Maybe since you are older than him, you have automatically taken on the "presumed" responsibility of finances, and he senses this cause he's younger.
This bothers you so much, yet you say you wouldn't bail despite your doubts. Then maybe it is time for a "time-out" to see if his intentions are real, how he'll react to a temporary "leave of absence"?
Whatever you decide, I wish you luck.
Wow alot there to sort through - emotions, financial and life in general.
You may want to take some time to rethink what exactly you want from life, for the clue to me is that you posted the story for feedback. That itself is an admittance of doubt somewhere, so even tho my hubbie is so damn supportive - god what an angel - it could happen to anyone.
Try to sit back and sort this thing out, the festival money, ummmm.......understand culture but he must try to understand your culture also. Its a give and take thing on marriage and if he is aware of your financial situation then he should have tried to ease out of that one and I am thinking his family would know of his financial woes. yes????
Your decision is solely your own, no words of people from a forum are going to change your final decision, but let me say this......tell him you will go there for a year to give the marriage a good shot and if you feel that at the end of that year it will then go for it. Sounds like you can come back to the states and get another job (at least above the guidelines) and start your application. But at least you can ease your fears if you go, he accepts that and you both try to work this out.
Otherwise you will be filled with these doubts for a long time to come and that is not a good start especially with the visa journey you are about to undertake. Its a tough road, financial and emotional and you will need some support from him with one or the other, hopefully both.
Just my two pence worth but I do wish you the very best of luck in whatever road your journey takes you......
Cheers
Susie
p./s as my hubbie says,,,, most people take the road marked freeway or expressway, I always take the road that says "under construction" - life is a meant to be a thrill, just be prepared to pay for that ride in one way or the other.
You may want to take some time to rethink what exactly you want from life, for the clue to me is that you posted the story for feedback. That itself is an admittance of doubt somewhere, so even tho my hubbie is so damn supportive - god what an angel - it could happen to anyone.
Try to sit back and sort this thing out, the festival money, ummmm.......understand culture but he must try to understand your culture also. Its a give and take thing on marriage and if he is aware of your financial situation then he should have tried to ease out of that one and I am thinking his family would know of his financial woes. yes????
Your decision is solely your own, no words of people from a forum are going to change your final decision, but let me say this......tell him you will go there for a year to give the marriage a good shot and if you feel that at the end of that year it will then go for it. Sounds like you can come back to the states and get another job (at least above the guidelines) and start your application. But at least you can ease your fears if you go, he accepts that and you both try to work this out.
Otherwise you will be filled with these doubts for a long time to come and that is not a good start especially with the visa journey you are about to undertake. Its a tough road, financial and emotional and you will need some support from him with one or the other, hopefully both.
Just my two pence worth but I do wish you the very best of luck in whatever road your journey takes you......
Cheers
Susie
p./s as my hubbie says,,,, most people take the road marked freeway or expressway, I always take the road that says "under construction" - life is a meant to be a thrill, just be prepared to pay for that ride in one way or the other.
QUOTE(trailmix @ Nov 7 2007, 05:10 PM)
QUOTE(sdmecuador @ Nov 7 2007, 08:58 AM)
Please DON'T apply for a visa for your husband. It is situations like yours that make is so much harder for the rest of us who are in mutually loving relationships not in financial/green card arrangements. If you think you do want to spend the rest of your life with the guy then you should go there and not offer any resources other than what the two of you can earn working in his country.
Hmm, chances are she isn't too concerned about your visa at this point
It's easy for us to say that we will do whatever it takes and wait as long as it takes etc etc - which is a darn good thing and I feel that way too - however - we don't know enough here. It sounds as though she is surrounded by people - she mentions her Mother, who are nay sayers.
It is not easy for every person to be surrounded by people saying - you are older, he asked you for money?? How will you support both of you?? he is from a country full of people looking for an easy way to a GC. We just don't know enough about the OP or her situation to say - hey you are having doubts - so throw in the towel.
One other thing the OP mentioned "I feel like I am the husband and he is the wife, even my mom said this". New immigrants have it tough, generally they can't work for a while and there is an adjustment phase. While he isn't actually with you yet, he obviously comes from a poor country where money is hard to come by. It will not be the traditional man out working scenario for a while after he gets here (if you decide to go ahead with the visa), but you already knew that, I'm sure to your Mom it looks really strange.
All I'm saying is that we shouldn't jump to conclusions based on the little bit that we know.
Well this story am sure i have seen it before, a couple of weeks ago, can't remember but it is the same. First i felt sorry for the lady, now i feel like it is a troll.
Sorry this is my opinion on the same story posted twice so far.
Good luck !
I feel for you having to make this decision, but at night when it is just you, the darkness and your God, what do you hear? Not the money, not the school nada. Just what do you hear? Go with that because even if it looks like a bad decision now there must be another door open at the end. The door is open if you listen. Will your SO listen? Will he lay at night and wait a little longer for what he is asking for? I know there are deadlines, but crossing the wrong lines will make you feel as if you were dead so just listen to the small inner voice. That little voice ,as small as it ,may speak really softly loves who is inside of you to much to scream orders. Hugs
Chispas
Chispas
QUOTE(peonyflowers99 @ Dec 4 2007, 09:33 PM)
Well this story am sure i have seen it before, a couple of weeks ago, can't remember but it is the same. First i felt sorry for the lady, now i feel like it is a troll.
Sorry this is my opinion on the same story posted twice so far.
Good luck !
Sorry this is my opinion on the same story posted twice so far.
Good luck !
This post is actually 4 weeks old, so you are probably relating the same post to the same post. She is not a troll... I have had an inkling of exactly who this person was from the moment I read this post and she is ligitimate. The fact she does not want to disclose her normal screen name is her choice.
I wish her the best on this journey, no matter which route she decides to take.
QUOTE(C and J @ Dec 5 2007, 10:27 AM)
QUOTE(peonyflowers99 @ Dec 4 2007, 09:33 PM)
Well this story am sure i have seen it before, a couple of weeks ago, can't remember but it is the same. First i felt sorry for the lady, now i feel like it is a troll.
Sorry this is my opinion on the same story posted twice so far.
Good luck !
Sorry this is my opinion on the same story posted twice so far.
Good luck !
This post is actually 4 weeks old, so you are probably relating the same post to the same post. She is not a troll... I have had an inkling of exactly who this person was from the moment I read this post and she is ligitimate. The fact she does not want to disclose her normal screen name is her choice.
I wish her the best on this journey, no matter which route she decides to take.
The thing is that sometimes a small amount of money goes a long way in a poor country. What we could spend in a fast food restaurant could feed a family for a week. You are very rich. (not here of course) You have to shop for a weeks worth of food at a time ! It may or may not have anything to do with your relationship or your marriage but to a man without food the man with table scraps is indeed living high on the hog.
Listen to your heart, listen to your head, listen to your God and then decide. Only you know which culture you have married into. Please don't get hurt but please also don't break two hearts by failing to realize that just because you are in a better financial situation does not mean that that is your only attractive feature. Do not be blind either.
Wow. That was helpful ! I think if I straddled the fence any better on that one I would be picking splinters out for months.
QUOTE(kapakahi @ Nov 7 2007, 07:00 AM)
I have been posting regularly under another username but feel the need to vent anonymously.
I have been getting ready to file for CR-1/K-3 visa for my husband - we married in his (poor)country in June but I have been delaying filing because I have plenty of doubts. I think we married too soon for me to undertake something like the visa process which will disrupt my life(USC) perhaps even more than his - I wish I could have spent more time with him in his country, possibly even years, seeing what I alone will have to do to make a life for us here... I feel like I am the husband and he is the wife, even my mom said this.
I live in a very expensive metro area and really cannot afford even a studio on my salary - it is enough for the Affadavit of Support(a little over $40K) but not to live comfortably here without an additional income. To save on expenses I have been sharing a 1-bedroom apt. with a roommate. I envy those of you lliving in modest areas who have a nice cozy nest, only your SO is missing... I honestly wish it were that simple for me. It would be hard for me to move because I am in a hard-to-get-work field and do not drive so need to live in a major metro with decent transit and that means $$$ rent. In order to rent an apt. I will need to save up or borrow from my retirement account maybe $3-6K(depending on how many months' rent I will need to offer up front because of my sucky credit and if I have to go through a broker), that is if I am lucky to find a place for $1k/month that doesn't have 10 people with stellar credit ahead of me in line. Then there are the expenses for furniture, etc. My parents have not offered to help me even one bit, even to cosign on a lease. So in addition to visa fees, his airfare(about $1400), etc. I will need to pay that and he cannot contribute anything. So until he can find work I will be seriously overextended and if he gets K-3 then how long until he gets EAD/GC?
So all of this is weighing very heavily on my mind...I was thinking about how am I going to get the visa app fees together and then he asks me yesterday if I can send money because one of his family members is sick - I just sent him money for a festival 2 weeks ago and now he is asking me again. I am older than he is by more than 10 years and all of this is bringing up so many doubts... I am feeling like the stereotypical desperate old USC who is being taken for a ride and then he will leave me as soon as he gets GC... I am ready to say to hell with the visa, if you really want to be with me then we will live in your country even if your job opportunities are not as good... but deep inside I am feeling like he married me only so he can make money overseas to help his family, hopefully this is only partially the reason and not the whole reason... About children he says we can adopt, even though he is the only son in the family - I feel like in his culture this is very odd even though he says adoption is becoming more and more accepted. He may be genuine but only time will tell - I do love him and want to believe but it hurt me so much when he asked me for money twice in such a short time span - it just sounds so much like some of the scammer stories I have read. I did not send it to him a second time.
I would move to his country in a heartbeat - I traveled there several times before I met him and know it very well, speak some of his language and had people interested in interviewing me for teaching positions. He says 'we will move back after living in USA' but I am thinking it would be so much cheaper to move there and not to have to deal with low salaries/high rents here. Also I should not be saying this about my own husband but I feel like I want to test him and make sure he is not with me only for the "2 year plan', after me going through so much hell to bring him here and to make a nice life for the both of us. My biggest fear is that by doing so I will kill any chances to work in my career if/when we come back to the US.
Any thoughts? I know, I should have waited longer to marry, but it is normal in his culture to marry quickly.
I have been getting ready to file for CR-1/K-3 visa for my husband - we married in his (poor)country in June but I have been delaying filing because I have plenty of doubts. I think we married too soon for me to undertake something like the visa process which will disrupt my life(USC) perhaps even more than his - I wish I could have spent more time with him in his country, possibly even years, seeing what I alone will have to do to make a life for us here... I feel like I am the husband and he is the wife, even my mom said this.
I live in a very expensive metro area and really cannot afford even a studio on my salary - it is enough for the Affadavit of Support(a little over $40K) but not to live comfortably here without an additional income. To save on expenses I have been sharing a 1-bedroom apt. with a roommate. I envy those of you lliving in modest areas who have a nice cozy nest, only your SO is missing... I honestly wish it were that simple for me. It would be hard for me to move because I am in a hard-to-get-work field and do not drive so need to live in a major metro with decent transit and that means $$$ rent. In order to rent an apt. I will need to save up or borrow from my retirement account maybe $3-6K(depending on how many months' rent I will need to offer up front because of my sucky credit and if I have to go through a broker), that is if I am lucky to find a place for $1k/month that doesn't have 10 people with stellar credit ahead of me in line. Then there are the expenses for furniture, etc. My parents have not offered to help me even one bit, even to cosign on a lease. So in addition to visa fees, his airfare(about $1400), etc. I will need to pay that and he cannot contribute anything. So until he can find work I will be seriously overextended and if he gets K-3 then how long until he gets EAD/GC?
So all of this is weighing very heavily on my mind...I was thinking about how am I going to get the visa app fees together and then he asks me yesterday if I can send money because one of his family members is sick - I just sent him money for a festival 2 weeks ago and now he is asking me again. I am older than he is by more than 10 years and all of this is bringing up so many doubts... I am feeling like the stereotypical desperate old USC who is being taken for a ride and then he will leave me as soon as he gets GC... I am ready to say to hell with the visa, if you really want to be with me then we will live in your country even if your job opportunities are not as good... but deep inside I am feeling like he married me only so he can make money overseas to help his family, hopefully this is only partially the reason and not the whole reason... About children he says we can adopt, even though he is the only son in the family - I feel like in his culture this is very odd even though he says adoption is becoming more and more accepted. He may be genuine but only time will tell - I do love him and want to believe but it hurt me so much when he asked me for money twice in such a short time span - it just sounds so much like some of the scammer stories I have read. I did not send it to him a second time.
I would move to his country in a heartbeat - I traveled there several times before I met him and know it very well, speak some of his language and had people interested in interviewing me for teaching positions. He says 'we will move back after living in USA' but I am thinking it would be so much cheaper to move there and not to have to deal with low salaries/high rents here. Also I should not be saying this about my own husband but I feel like I want to test him and make sure he is not with me only for the "2 year plan', after me going through so much hell to bring him here and to make a nice life for the both of us. My biggest fear is that by doing so I will kill any chances to work in my career if/when we come back to the US.
Any thoughts? I know, I should have waited longer to marry, but it is normal in his culture to marry quickly.
Do you love him? Does he love you the most? Don't let it slip away!!!
OK, I will admit that I am the OP - my hubby came back to KTM from his village and we have been chatting or phoning every day and my doubts have gone away(for now anyway). I was embarrassed to be talking so frankly about my money issues and doubts and that is why I used a new screen name - look at some of the drama in the MENA forums - but if it can help someone else(like the VJer on the K-1 forum asking about BK) then I will be glad to be completely honest about my own thoughts and experiences. I do love this man with my whole heart and have prayed so hard over what to do and have decided to file for the visa, love him, be the best wife that I can be and what is meant to be is meant to be - I am going to live my life one day at a time and enjoy every day with him that God chooses to give me. You can be married to a USC and it is the same issue if you are worried whether he is going to cheat or not and you let that consume you to where you are not enjoying your relationship in the here and now and the mistrust destroys what would have been a good marriage. He has since gotten a good job which he enjoys very much and I am so happy for him and for our future. He is not a money-grubber and even now I feel bad about not helping him at the time - he would not have asked if he did not really need it. He has said that if I came to Nepal it would not matter, seriously I was thinking about it and we were talking about it but since DCF wouldn't be an option for us due to finances and we would have to go through the whole process of me getting re-established in the US, finding a job and then applying for the visa anyway that we will just go through with our original plan. I am still very anxious about the apartment issue - more so than the visa issue, in fact. If we cannot get an apartment then I don't know what we will do, but I will cross that bridge when we come to it. I am hoping we will file around New Year's.
Thanks to all who gave helpful and supportive answers.
Thanks to all who gave helpful and supportive answers.
You have our best thoughts and prayers for a happy future together. From all that you have said, he seems to be sincere and love you, besides having some cultural quirks that I find in my husband too. I love how you point out the fact of letting doubts consume one, and how mistrust could destroy what could be. Misunderstandings ruin so many relationships. The thing is to adjust, understand and love each other through it all. You can make it together! 
I love the cute little parrot in your signature, by the way!
From all that you have said, he seems to be sincere and love you, besides having some cultural quirks that I find in my husband too. I love how you point out the fact of letting doubts consume one, and how mistrust could destroy what could be. Misunderstandings ruin so many relationships. The thing is to adjust, understand and love each other through it all. You can make it together! I love the cute little parrot in your signature, by the way!
Pattu.....I just want to applaud you for taking a step back and thinking it over....or over thinking it, however you want to look at it.
It's not always the easy thing to do; but it is the right thing to do.
I wish you well with all your choices.
It's not always the easy thing to do; but it is the right thing to do.
I wish you well with all your choices.
Hun, poor country or not....the way I see things....if they (as a man) want to be with you, they will find a way. It should not be up to you to send him money. If he isn't contributing anything now financially....don't count on him to do it once here either. Pete worked hard...and saved up his wages...has paid for all his trips over. Granted, he is from the UK, but...he did it himself. He has never asked me for money.
I asked Pete his take on this...and he's said...if he truely loves you, and wants to be with you, he will get off his arse and get a job....save his money...and help in any way possible...even if it ends up being 100 dollars..that's 100 dollars less you have to pay (which you shouldn't have to pay anything)
I don't blame you one bit for being skeptical...and taking your time...I truely hope you are able to make a good decision...and I wish you nothing but the best of luck.
**EDITED** Sorry..didn't see the reply from the OP's current status... prior to posting...
I asked Pete his take on this...and he's said...if he truely loves you, and wants to be with you, he will get off his arse and get a job....save his money...and help in any way possible...even if it ends up being 100 dollars..that's 100 dollars less you have to pay (which you shouldn't have to pay anything)
I don't blame you one bit for being skeptical...and taking your time...I truely hope you are able to make a good decision...and I wish you nothing but the best of luck.
**EDITED** Sorry..didn't see the reply from the OP's current status... prior to posting...
CandP, just for the record, I (USC) was living in India for 21 years, mostly only for room and board but for the last few years, for $125 a month (full time). I was earning double what the Indians were. I could save like $10 a month but of course could never save up enough to return to US (I got back to see my ill father through a donated ticket). My husband was working 15-hour days as an accountant and auditor and earned $75 a month, hardly enough even for his own rent and food, let alone to cover visa fees and a plane ticket here once he got his visa. He now is working hard here and, though earning minimum wage, is helping me equally with all the household expenses.
Sometimes hard working guys in poor countries simply can't afford some things. But they prove their loyalty and love (financially) once they have the means to do so.
Sometimes hard working guys in poor countries simply can't afford some things. But they prove their loyalty and love (financially) once they have the means to do so.
Good luck in whatever you decide, Pattu! And seriously, consider Chicago. You don't need to drive and you don't have to pay 1,500 for a one bedroom. (But of course, your salary would probably be the same.) We lived in Minneapolis for the first six months even though it meant a full year of postponing moving to New York for me, and I'm really glad we did. Made things a lot easier on us to not have to worry about money so much. I'm just saying a change of location could take that stress away a bit...
Pattu, I wish you the best for the future
Saludos,
Caro
Saludos,
Caro
QUOTE(ELW @ Dec 9 2007, 11:47 PM)
CandP, just for the record, I (USC) was living in India for 21 years, mostly only for room and board but for the last few years, for $125 a month (full time). I was earning double what the Indians were. I could save like $10 a month but of course could never save up enough to return to US (I got back to see my ill father through a donated ticket). My husband was working 15-hour days as an accountant and auditor and earned $75 a month, hardly enough even for his own rent and food, let alone to cover visa fees and a plane ticket here once he got his visa. He now is working hard here and, though earning minimum wage, is helping me equally with all the household expenses.
Sometimes hard working guys in poor countries simply can't afford some things. But they prove their loyalty and love (financially) once they have the means to do so.
Sometimes hard working guys in poor countries simply can't afford some things. But they prove their loyalty and love (financially) once they have the means to do so.
Exactly !
Pattu, you will both be fine
Best wishes.
QUOTE(Omoba @ Dec 10 2007, 11:36 AM)
QUOTE(ELW @ Dec 9 2007, 11:47 PM)
CandP, just for the record, I (USC) was living in India for 21 years, mostly only for room and board but for the last few years, for $125 a month (full time). I was earning double what the Indians were. I could save like $10 a month but of course could never save up enough to return to US (I got back to see my ill father through a donated ticket). My husband was working 15-hour days as an accountant and auditor and earned $75 a month, hardly enough even for his own rent and food, let alone to cover visa fees and a plane ticket here once he got his visa. He now is working hard here and, though earning minimum wage, is helping me equally with all the household expenses.
Sometimes hard working guys in poor countries simply can't afford some things. But they prove their loyalty and love (financially) once they have the means to do so.
Sometimes hard working guys in poor countries simply can't afford some things. But they prove their loyalty and love (financially) once they have the means to do so.
Exactly !
Pattu, you will both be fine
Best wishes.Ditto that, and to be even more specific, in Nepal, the average annual income is around $300.00 (and no, that is not a typo), and unemployment is around 40%. And if you have any money at all, you can expect a constant flow of requests for help with: your aunt's open heart surgery, a cast for your little cousin who broke her leg, the lawyer to keep your friend's father from losing his property, etc.... it never ends, and at times it is heartbreaking. How anyone in those circumstances could save over $1200 for a plane ticket to the US, never mind all the USCIS/DOS fees is beyond me. I think they probably want to be together before they're eligible for AARP.
PR: I admire you for taking your time to consider things carefully. I think most people have doubts and fears... I know I had a few myself. At some point you just have to do what your signature says and eat the ravioli! We wish you both all the best!
Maya
QUOTE(maya62 @ Dec 10 2007, 09:33 AM)
QUOTE(Omoba @ Dec 10 2007, 11:36 AM)
QUOTE(ELW @ Dec 9 2007, 11:47 PM)
CandP, just for the record, I (USC) was living in India for 21 years, mostly only for room and board but for the last few years, for $125 a month (full time). I was earning double what the Indians were. I could save like $10 a month but of course could never save up enough to return to US (I got back to see my ill father through a donated ticket). My husband was working 15-hour days as an accountant and auditor and earned $75 a month, hardly enough even for his own rent and food, let alone to cover visa fees and a plane ticket here once he got his visa. He now is working hard here and, though earning minimum wage, is helping me equally with all the household expenses.
Sometimes hard working guys in poor countries simply can't afford some things. But they prove their loyalty and love (financially) once they have the means to do so.
Sometimes hard working guys in poor countries simply can't afford some things. But they prove their loyalty and love (financially) once they have the means to do so.
Exactly !
Pattu, you will both be fine
Best wishes.Ditto that, and to be even more specific, in Nepal, the average annual income is around $300.00 (and no, that is not a typo), and unemployment is around 40%. And if you have any money at all, you can expect a constant flow of requests for help with: your aunt's open heart surgery, a cast for your little cousin who broke her leg, the lawyer to keep your friend's father from losing his property, etc.... it never ends, and at times it is heartbreaking. How anyone in those circumstances could save over $1200 for a plane ticket to the US, never mind all the USCIS/DOS fees is beyond me. I think they probably want to be together before they're eligible for AARP.
PR: I admire you for taking your time to consider things carefully. I think most people have doubts and fears... I know I had a few myself. At some point you just have to do what your signature says and eat the ravioli! We wish you both all the best!
Maya
I agree whole-heartedly with the above statements and have lived through all those examples in the past 9 months alone (nephew's broken arm, mother-in-law's bout with gastroenteritis, brother-in-law in the hospital for tyhpoid, sister-in-law has stillborn twin babies). There is no such thing as upward mobility in impoverished, politically unstable countries.
Good Luck
Sorry to say but i have to say this.....if the your husband is a Filipino.......LEAVE HIM.........THEY ARE USER!!!!!!!!!!
Hmm, chances are she isn't too concerned about your visa at this point
It's easy for us to say that we will do whatever it takes and wait as long as it takes etc etc - which is a darn good thing and I feel that way too - however - we don't know enough here. It sounds as though she is surrounded by people - she mentions her Mother, who are nay sayers.
It is not easy for every person to be surrounded by people saying - you are older, he asked you for money?? How will you support both of you?? he is from a country full of people looking for an easy way to a GC. We just don't know enough about the OP or her situation to say - hey you are having doubts - so throw in the towel.
One other thing the OP mentioned "I feel like I am the husband and he is the wife, even my mom said this". New immigrants have it tough, generally they can't work for a while and there is an adjustment phase. While he isn't actually with you yet, he obviously comes from a poor country where money is hard to come by. It will not be the traditional man out working scenario for a while after he gets here (if you decide to go ahead with the visa), but you already knew that, I'm sure to your Mom it looks really strange.
All I'm saying is that we shouldn't jump to conclusions based on the little bit that we know.
QUOTE(trailmix @ Nov 7 2007, 08:10 AM)
QUOTE(sdmecuador @ Nov 7 2007, 08:58 AM)
Please DON'T apply for a visa for your husband. It is situations like yours that make is so much harder for the rest of us who are in mutually loving relationships not in financial/green card arrangements. If you think you do want to spend the rest of your life with the guy then you should go there and not offer any resources other than what the two of you can earn working in his country.
Hmm, chances are she isn't too concerned about your visa at this point
It's easy for us to say that we will do whatever it takes and wait as long as it takes etc etc - which is a darn good thing and I feel that way too - however - we don't know enough here. It sounds as though she is surrounded by people - she mentions her Mother, who are nay sayers.
It is not easy for every person to be surrounded by people saying - you are older, he asked you for money?? How will you support both of you?? he is from a country full of people looking for an easy way to a GC. We just don't know enough about the OP or her situation to say - hey you are having doubts - so throw in the towel.
One other thing the OP mentioned "I feel like I am the husband and he is the wife, even my mom said this". New immigrants have it tough, generally they can't work for a while and there is an adjustment phase. While he isn't actually with you yet, he obviously comes from a poor country where money is hard to come by. It will not be the traditional man out working scenario for a while after he gets here (if you decide to go ahead with the visa), but you already knew that, I'm sure to your Mom it looks really strange.
All I'm saying is that we shouldn't jump to conclusions based on the little bit that we know.
QUOTE(trailmix @ Nov 8 2007, 12:10 AM)
QUOTE(sdmecuador @ Nov 7 2007, 08:58 AM)
Please DON'T apply for a visa for your husband. It is situations like yours that make is so much harder for the rest of us who are in mutually loving relationships not in financial/green card arrangements. If you think you do want to spend the rest of your life with the guy then you should go there and not offer any resources other than what the two of you can earn working in his country.
Hmm, chances are she isn't too concerned about your visa at this point
It's easy for us to say that we will do whatever it takes and wait as long as it takes etc etc - which is a darn good thing and I feel that way too - however - we don't know enough here. It sounds as though she is surrounded by people - she mentions her Mother, who are nay sayers.
It is not easy for every person to be surrounded by people saying - you are older, he asked you for money?? How will you support both of you?? he is from a country full of people looking for an easy way to a GC. We just don't know enough about the OP or her situation to say - hey you are having doubts - so throw in the towel.
One other thing the OP mentioned "I feel like I am the husband and he is the wife, even my mom said this". New immigrants have it tough, generally they can't work for a while and there is an adjustment phase. While he isn't actually with you yet, he obviously comes from a poor country where money is hard to come by. It will not be the traditional man out working scenario for a while after he gets here (if you decide to go ahead with the visa), but you already knew that, I'm sure to your Mom it looks really strange.
All I'm saying is that we shouldn't jump to conclusions based on the little bit that we know.
I agree with this quote...yeah, i am from the phil when we are just dating with my husband now my mother get sick and i am the eldest in the family 25 and have one sister next to me and a highschool brother. We are not close to both sides of our relatives so only the 3 of us who plan and talk what we need to do. My husband is a very good man but one thing it makes me so upset is he dont even ask me if we are financially ok with all the hospital bills and everything and at that time i am so upset and mad at him and for me i am not a type of person who will ask money.
So when my mother already out in the hospital and me and my sister already solve all the expenses that is the time i talked to my husband now if he dont have any concern.
Each one of us have different cultures and like in my country families and relatives is helping each other. I agree with what is stated above that maybe your husband really treat you as a wife and even if he is shy he just ask help from you coz ur already his wife and thinking if u can help him not like me that we are just bf and gf at that time so i am shy to tell and i just wait if my bf or fiance really cares for me too.
Us culture is really different than in any other countries and its really hard to deal with to be honest i've been to a relationship both is US citizen but the other one has a background for asian but for my husband now he is very good but when we started dating it find me hard to adjust coz its really different perception and culture and US people just live to be alone.
So i think u decide to marry him so you will need to trust him and pray..All i can tell is pray and ask guidance and enlightenment and also u need to talk and tell him what is in your mind coz it is so unfair that your thinking bad to him that he is not aware..Just be honest with your feelings and tell him you love him but you have a little doubts for him and your afraid that he will leave you after getting GC.
For now we dont know what is really in his mind it is only ur husband u know but believe in me prayers will answer all your questions..that if you believe in God and prayers
God bless
QUOTE(akodiet @ Dec 12 2007, 03:15 AM)
Sorry to say but i have to say this.....if the your husband is a Filipino.......LEAVE HIM.........THEY ARE USER!!!!!!!!!!
Hmm, chances are she isn't too concerned about your visa at this point
It's easy for us to say that we will do whatever it takes and wait as long as it takes etc etc - which is a darn good thing and I feel that way too - however - we don't know enough here. It sounds as though she is surrounded by people - she mentions her Mother, who are nay sayers.
It is not easy for every person to be surrounded by people saying - you are older, he asked you for money?? How will you support both of you?? he is from a country full of people looking for an easy way to a GC. We just don't know enough about the OP or her situation to say - hey you are having doubts - so throw in the towel.
One other thing the OP mentioned "I feel like I am the husband and he is the wife, even my mom said this". New immigrants have it tough, generally they can't work for a while and there is an adjustment phase. While he isn't actually with you yet, he obviously comes from a poor country where money is hard to come by. It will not be the traditional man out working scenario for a while after he gets here (if you decide to go ahead with the visa), but you already knew that, I'm sure to your Mom it looks really strange.
All I'm saying is that we shouldn't jump to conclusions based on the little bit that we know.
QUOTE(trailmix @ Nov 7 2007, 08:10 AM)
QUOTE(sdmecuador @ Nov 7 2007, 08:58 AM)
Please DON'T apply for a visa for your husband. It is situations like yours that make is so much harder for the rest of us who are in mutually loving relationships not in financial/green card arrangements. If you think you do want to spend the rest of your life with the guy then you should go there and not offer any resources other than what the two of you can earn working in his country.
Hmm, chances are she isn't too concerned about your visa at this point
It's easy for us to say that we will do whatever it takes and wait as long as it takes etc etc - which is a darn good thing and I feel that way too - however - we don't know enough here. It sounds as though she is surrounded by people - she mentions her Mother, who are nay sayers.
It is not easy for every person to be surrounded by people saying - you are older, he asked you for money?? How will you support both of you?? he is from a country full of people looking for an easy way to a GC. We just don't know enough about the OP or her situation to say - hey you are having doubts - so throw in the towel.
One other thing the OP mentioned "I feel like I am the husband and he is the wife, even my mom said this". New immigrants have it tough, generally they can't work for a while and there is an adjustment phase. While he isn't actually with you yet, he obviously comes from a poor country where money is hard to come by. It will not be the traditional man out working scenario for a while after he gets here (if you decide to go ahead with the visa), but you already knew that, I'm sure to your Mom it looks really strange.
All I'm saying is that we shouldn't jump to conclusions based on the little bit that we know.
Akodiet, your stereotypical generalization is ignorant and uncalled for on this board.
Once again, thanks to Maya, Putali, Alex and everyone who gave helpful and supportive replies - this is why I love this forum!! I hope when I am a veteran of this visa journey and Govi and I are together that I can also help others in the same boat. I have not kept up with this thread for the last few days so missed your replies earlier.
Alex - I have thought about Chicago - am curious if there is much of a desi/Indian population there? Govi goes to the temple daily and one thing that keeps me in my neighborhood is the large number of Hindu temples (and Indian stores/restaurants)here - I know my guy won't feel so homesick if he can go talk with our best buddy Ganeshji around the corner or go to Patel Bros. to buy dal bhat ingredients. The cold is another issue, but we would have each other to keep warm at that point so no worries...
Alex - I have thought about Chicago - am curious if there is much of a desi/Indian population there? Govi goes to the temple daily and one thing that keeps me in my neighborhood is the large number of Hindu temples (and Indian stores/restaurants)here - I know my guy won't feel so homesick if he can go talk with our best buddy Ganeshji around the corner or go to Patel Bros. to buy dal bhat ingredients. The cold is another issue, but we would have each other to keep warm at that point so no worries...
There are plenty of Indians in Chicago.
There is a big Indian/Russian neighborhood called Skokie (North side).
You can try using yahoo/maps to search for Indian restaurants. There are plenty everywhere. Not sure about temples.
There is a big Indian/Russian neighborhood called Skokie (North side).
You can try using yahoo/maps to search for Indian restaurants. There are plenty everywhere. Not sure about temples.
In his culture, probably the man supports the wife... so one. quit sending money two. if he wants you there then him and family can pay for your travel to them.If he cant support you so be it its understandab le, but to expect you the woman to support him during festaval and illness then blah. what did his family do before you were on the scene???
DEVON AVENUE IN CHICAGO some of the best desi food in the states. sabri Nihari.. theris dress stores, b akeries, butchers and even banks..
DEVON AVENUE IN CHICAGO some of the best desi food in the states. sabri Nihari.. theris dress stores, b akeries, butchers and even banks..
QUOTE(Pattu Rani @ Dec 8 2007, 02:14 PM)
OK, I will admit that I am the OP - my hubby came back to KTM from his village and we have been chatting or phoning every day and my doubts have gone away(for now anyway). I was embarrassed to be talking so frankly about my money issues and doubts and that is why I used a new screen name - look at some of the drama in the MENA forums - but if it can help someone else(like the VJer on the K-1 forum asking about BK) then I will be glad to be completely honest about my own thoughts and experiences. I do love this man with my whole heart and have prayed so hard over what to do and have decided to file for the visa, love him, be the best wife that I can be and what is meant to be is meant to be - I am going to live my life one day at a time and enjoy every day with him that God chooses to give me. You can be married to a USC and it is the same issue if you are worried whether he is going to cheat or not and you let that consume you to where you are not enjoying your relationship in the here and now and the mistrust destroys what would have been a good marriage. He has since gotten a good job which he enjoys very much and I am so happy for him and for our future. He is not a money-grubber and even now I feel bad about not helping him at the time - he would not have asked if he did not really need it. He has said that if I came to Nepal it would not matter, seriously I was thinking about it and we were talking about it but since DCF wouldn't be an option for us due to finances and we would have to go through the whole process of me getting re-established in the US, finding a job and then applying for the visa anyway that we will just go through with our original plan. I am still very anxious about the apartment issue - more so than the visa issue, in fact. If we cannot get an apartment then I don't know what we will do, but I will cross that bridge when we come to it. I am hoping we will file around New Year's.
Thanks to all who gave helpful and supportive answers.
Thanks to all who gave helpful and supportive answers.
I know I'm late posting on this, but I want to let you know that I think MOST of us who are American Women who met a man from a poor country have had doubts about the GC issue. And there are plenty of people around us to tell us that all the man wants is a free ticket to the U.S.
However, only YOU can know. It's definitely hard sometimes. I had many moments of doubt in the beginning. Before we met in person, so many people would say to me that he was just telling me what he thought I would want to hear. I'm a religious person and I spent MANY hours in prayer. When I FINALLY met him in person I KNEW that he was the one for me. And I prayed again and felt that I am making the right decision.
So, what Chispas said about being alone with just you and the dark and your GOD is true. Only you can decide what is right for you.
There is much more that I would like to say, but I don't really know how to express it. But I TOTALLY know about the doubts and things people say. So if you ever need more support, feel free to pm me.
Just wondering if you have verbalized some of your concerns to your husband, maybe together you all can think of what's best for you both.
I know that many of us that go to these third world countries go there with our suitcases loaded with gifts for the family, sometimes misleading them into thinking were rich here in America, although I admit alot of people overseas think that we have money all over the streets here so it's not your fault if they think that way of u, but jsut as your expressing your concerns to your VJ family it might be good to mention them to him also.
I know that many of us that go to these third world countries go there with our suitcases loaded with gifts for the family, sometimes misleading them into thinking were rich here in America, although I admit alot of people overseas think that we have money all over the streets here so it's not your fault if they think that way of u, but jsut as your expressing your concerns to your VJ family it might be good to mention them to him also.
Hello,
My husband is from a poor country and his family is simple farmers, but he was able to fulfill his dreams and to work his way up from a farmer's son to a instructor in a private university in his country. I have faith in him and helped him work towards his goals. I also knew him to two years before marrying him, one year I was living in his country and the other year back home. I got to know him really well and he never asked me for money or anything. He never even thought about marrying a foreigner until things got serious between this. I even had to convince him that we should move to the US as things would be better there for us and the job opportunities are much better. But if I had any doubts I would not have gone through with my marriage (3.5 years ago) or have begun the immigration process. Living in his country really helped things a lot, most importantly, I speak his language fluently and understand his culture and society. Also, living cost in his country are really cheap so we can live here very reasonably. If you don't mind, I would highly recommend you live with him in his country for a little while to make sure the relationship is strong and to help him succeed in gaining good job skills before immigrating to the US. This could make a difference and you could have time to learn more about each other before moving to such a high-stress difficult situation how it will be in the US.
Hmm, chances are she isn't too concerned about your visa at this point
It's easy for us to say that we will do whatever it takes and wait as long as it takes etc etc - which is a darn good thing and I feel that way too - however - we don't know enough here. It sounds as though she is surrounded by people - she mentions her Mother, who are nay sayers.
It is not easy for every person to be surrounded by people saying - you are older, he asked you for money?? How will you support both of you?? he is from a country full of people looking for an easy way to a GC. We just don't know enough about the OP or her situation to say - hey you are having doubts - so throw in the towel.
One other thing the OP mentioned "I feel like I am the husband and he is the wife, even my mom said this". New immigrants have it tough, generally they can't work for a while and there is an adjustment phase. While he isn't actually with you yet, he obviously comes from a poor country where money is hard to come by. It will not be the traditional man out working scenario for a while after he gets here (if you decide to go ahead with the visa), but you already knew that, I'm sure to your Mom it looks really strange.
All I'm saying is that we shouldn't jump to conclusions based on the little bit that we know.
My husband is from a poor country and his family is simple farmers, but he was able to fulfill his dreams and to work his way up from a farmer's son to a instructor in a private university in his country. I have faith in him and helped him work towards his goals. I also knew him to two years before marrying him, one year I was living in his country and the other year back home. I got to know him really well and he never asked me for money or anything. He never even thought about marrying a foreigner until things got serious between this. I even had to convince him that we should move to the US as things would be better there for us and the job opportunities are much better. But if I had any doubts I would not have gone through with my marriage (3.5 years ago) or have begun the immigration process. Living in his country really helped things a lot, most importantly, I speak his language fluently and understand his culture and society. Also, living cost in his country are really cheap so we can live here very reasonably. If you don't mind, I would highly recommend you live with him in his country for a little while to make sure the relationship is strong and to help him succeed in gaining good job skills before immigrating to the US. This could make a difference and you could have time to learn more about each other before moving to such a high-stress difficult situation how it will be in the US.
QUOTE(trailmix @ Nov 7 2007, 06:10 PM)
QUOTE(sdmecuador @ Nov 7 2007, 08:58 AM)
Please DON'T apply for a visa for your husband. It is situations like yours that make is so much harder for the rest of us who are in mutually loving relationships not in financial/green card arrangements. If you think you do want to spend the rest of your life with the guy then you should go there and not offer any resources other than what the two of you can earn working in his country.
Hmm, chances are she isn't too concerned about your visa at this point
It's easy for us to say that we will do whatever it takes and wait as long as it takes etc etc - which is a darn good thing and I feel that way too - however - we don't know enough here. It sounds as though she is surrounded by people - she mentions her Mother, who are nay sayers.
It is not easy for every person to be surrounded by people saying - you are older, he asked you for money?? How will you support both of you?? he is from a country full of people looking for an easy way to a GC. We just don't know enough about the OP or her situation to say - hey you are having doubts - so throw in the towel.
One other thing the OP mentioned "I feel like I am the husband and he is the wife, even my mom said this". New immigrants have it tough, generally they can't work for a while and there is an adjustment phase. While he isn't actually with you yet, he obviously comes from a poor country where money is hard to come by. It will not be the traditional man out working scenario for a while after he gets here (if you decide to go ahead with the visa), but you already knew that, I'm sure to your Mom it looks really strange.
All I'm saying is that we shouldn't jump to conclusions based on the little bit that we know.
QUOTE
Sometimes hard working guys in poor countries simply can't afford some things. But they prove their loyalty and love (financially) once they have the means to do so.
I agree with this.
QUOTE(cindishah @ Dec 23 2007, 06:56 AM)
In his culture, probably the man supports the wife... so one. quit sending money two. if he wants you there then him and family can pay for your travel to them.If he cant support you so be it its understandab le, but to expect you the woman to support him during festaval and illness then blah. what did his family do before you were on the scene???
DEVON AVENUE IN CHICAGO some of the best desi food in the states. sabri Nihari.. theris dress stores, b akeries, butchers and even banks..
DEVON AVENUE IN CHICAGO some of the best desi food in the states. sabri Nihari.. theris dress stores, b akeries, butchers and even banks..
Pattu Rani, seriously consider Chicago. There is a large Indian population here in the Devon Ave area of Chicago like mentioned above (not Skokie like mentioned by a different poster). You'll be able to get a 1-2 br for about $600-900 or less in that area. http://www.devonavenue.com/ I think it may help you both out. It may help out your husband with the assimilation into the US. He wont feel isolated right away, he'll have natives he can talk to. All the stores, restaurants, banks, dr offices speak a variety of the Indian languages. He wont feel so reliant on you, and you wont feel so much of the "i am the husband, he is the wife" role.
There are temples in the area, Chicago colleges offer free ESL classes for the first 6 levels of English in case your hubby needs this (mine sure benefited and it was freeeee
)Yikes, I'm starting to sound like a heckler/pusher for Chicago
But in all seriousness, think it over, maybe Chicago may ease 2 pains. Financial & adjustment.Best of luck to you!
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