My son doesn't want to move with us now. He won't participate in the K2 process (physical/interview), shall I just leave him here to fend for himself? Because I'm leaving!! And his father isn't involved nor capable of caring for him.

Any advice?

Bernie,

So sorry to hear of this... is he finished of High School? Was he initally supportive of going to the US and now has changed his mind? Is his mind totally made up?? What does your fiance say about the situation?

Gosh.. so much tension and pull for you right now in your decisions.. I'm not a parent of a teen so I don't have that frame of reference but I truly hope you guys can talk this through (and the implications of him staying behind) and come to an arrangement that is best for everyone.

That's a pretty personal decision. I'm not sure what advice we could give. At 18 he's an adult, is he not (I'm the American, not Canadian, and eighteen is the age of majority here)? Is he likely to turn eighteen before the interview or before you move?

I do not know what city you live in but iw ill say it might not be the best idea to leave an 18yr old to fend for himself. There are too many traps out there these days. I do feel for your son though I mean he will be leaving behind friends and possibily a GIRLFRIEND and at his age these are more important. What I will do is at leat convince him to go through the process and get the greencard at least. I 'm 29 years old now but when i was a teen my mom was faced with the same situation i was 19 my brother 21 and my mom chose to stay with us instead of moving with our step father to the us. She made a selfless decision that we are fotever greatful for. Its a difficult decision but try to convince because your heart will always be looking bac.

He has at least a year left in school and has not done well over the past couple years including being let go for part of last year.

He is not very motivated, doesn't cooperate w discipline, is manipulative and I have no control over what he does. He hangs out with the wrong crowd, and is easily swayed. I guess I've done everything that I can, and am willing to let him go, rather than continue to go against the grain. My fiance is supportive of my decision either way, and I truly want to end what has become a ongoing and very stressful battle.

He has been on and off about the move, but I'm convinced that he's strung me along the whole time. Talk about tugging on my heartstrings.

He'll be 18 in a couple months.

age of majority, differs by province:
http://www.dfait-maeci.gc.ca/canada-europa...majorite-en.asp

My 16 year old son was saying the same thing before moving day. One day he wanted to move,one day he didnt. In the end he decided to be with me here in the USA. Which I am happy about. Good luck in your decision.

Where is he going to stay when you leave?

I would have not moved here with out my 16 year old son. My oldest son was 20 when we moved and he was happy for both of us.

Its a hard decision to make.

IMO I would never leave my almost 18 year old son or daughter and move to another country.... The age your son is now is when he needs you around the most... although he would never admit that to anyone.... you say he is going through all the difficult stages a young adult has to go through... all the more reason to put your life on hold and be there for him.... yes its hard and yes it hurts when you feel you are not getting through to him and yes you think it would be easy to walk away.... well its not.. you are his Mum you will always be his Mum and you should be there for him no matter what he does or does not do... at 18 he needs to know you will be there for him... selfish maybe, but true....

Think long and hard before you walk away from your child...

Kez

Wow...such a TOUGH situation....but I do have to agree with Kez; I couldn't leave my child behind, no matter what age, unless I knew they would be cared for, finish school, etc. They DO growup, and see the light eventually...I'd worry that he'd never forgive me for leaving him, no matter how much he resisted.

My 19 yr. old daughter was HORRENDOUS at 17, but she laughs about it even now, asking "how could you love me when I was so hateful"...my answer...."because I'm your Mom, and Mom's are about the only person in this world that will love you unconditionally".

Good luck to you.

WOW. As a couple who is childless by choice, my/our experience is null on this one. I just hope that whichever decision you make leads to a happier life for you all. Being held hostage must sux --- don't know if talking a bit more with him would help. In any case, I am sending you the rest of my goodvibe dose for the day. Hang in there

Wow, this is definitely tough. If I was in your position I would:

Tell him that you respect his opinion because he will be an adult soon. However, suggest that he just finish the paperwork/interview process so if he does decide to come along, he will have the final choice in what to do. Fill in all the paperwork for him, just have him sign it.

Let him know you want to bring him so you can be there for him and support him with housing, food, etc. Also I'd let him know you'll help get him started in the new area and help him look for a job or a school. You can reassure him that if he wanted to move back in a year or two, he'd be free to make that choice if he couldn't adjust.

For someone of that age, especially one that isn't very stable, it's important that he/she doesn't feel abandoned...

Keep in mind this is just my opinion - obviously none of us really can understand the relationship that you have with him...

Well, I know that when my mom moved 6 hours away from my home town, she left my brother behind with my grandparents to finish his last year of school. That led him to some very bad things. With no parental supervision he became caught up in the wrong crowd and it wasn't a pretty picture. I bet if you ask him, he would have rather had his mom there than be allowed to do whatever he wanted. I think that it makes a difference.

It's up to you, you're his mom, and until he's 18, what you say goes, as much as he may hate that. I can't tell you what to do, or even really offer any advice. All I can say is that this was my brother's experience and it didn't work out too good for him. As a side note, a few years later he ended up moving to where we were and moving back in with my mother.

Well Bernie...I have a 13 yr old daughter who today wants to move (or so she tells me) and the next doesn't. We have discussed this move in length. My words to her are "This will open so many more doors and opportunities for you. As well, once you graduate from high school, you can live wherever you choose. Until then, you're with me or your dad wherever he is living."

I know I have it easier cause of the age, but I'm in agreeement with Piosenka. Ask him to go through the process in case he changes his mind.

I wish you the very best as you work towards finding a solution that will work for you and him.

Have you ever thought of enlisting the help of a mediator to maybe talk everything over with him. Maybe this will also get out some feelings both of you may have of the situation and bring you closer to understanding each other.

You can't force him to move. If he is decided, he has to stay.

I'm going to echo L&B here as I don't have any children.
I wish you strength and courage during this difficult time.

I can so relate to your story Bernie. I have 2 kids, one female and one male. The older (female) was 16 going on 32, when I moved to Canada with the boy, who was 14, to get married and live with my husband. My son was always pretty laid back about the move and didnt seem to care where we went and looks at all this moving around as an adventure.

My daughter on the other hand, was in trouble with school (busted for possession on school grounds), in and out of rehab, lived her life for the sole purpose of being rebellious and revenge for whatever I had done to her. I had already postponed my move to Canada by at least 1 year to try to get things straight with her. One summer day, she decided that she would rather live with the former neighbors who had since moved to the middle of nowhere in Maine. And she left Minnesota and moved in with them. I was too tired to fight the battle anymore and gave my former neighbor temp custody and sent them money and then went ahead and planned my move to Canada. We made plans to move that following summer, after the school year, and dependent upon selling my house in Minnesota.

Along comes March/April or so, and the daughter seems to be getting along ok in Maine. She went to school, wasn't having problems with the law, and was made to go to church. The daughter calls me and informs me that she is pregnant and she and her boyfriend can't get jobs there (unemployment in the local area was horrible) and so they are heading back to Minnesota. The boyfriend is a 21 year old high school drop out with a resume that consisted of one job working for a few month's for a relative's company. I had to make a decision about my life. I could see that path my daughter had laid out for me: she thought it would be very nice for her and her boyfriend to move into my house, have all the expenses covered by me, and not have to do too much. The boyfriend had no motivation or even a thought of getting job, he just figured that I was better off then his parents, so they could get more out of the deal with me then them. He had already began investigating what kind of payout the social assistance program in Minnesota had.

I decided to move to Canada anyway and without my daughter and her boyfriend. I reasoned that she had made an adult decision to have sex, get pregnant, and have a baby, she can make all the other adult decisions that followed. I helped her and her boyfriend find a place to live, tried to help them find jobs, baby stuff together, put her in touch with local charity services that could help them with job skills, parenting classes, and all that other stuff. I gave her everything I owned when I sold my house. They had enough furniture to furnish a 3 bed house completely, including all the kitchen ware they could ever need, linens, rugs, wall art, ec. The only thing that went into my car on the day that I closed my house sale was my clothes, and my son's clothes.

I moved, sent her an allowance of sorts, so that I knew they were at least having food on the table, and continued to cover her healthcare through COBRA until she turned 18.

It was a hard decision to make but I knew if I had stayed, I would be raising my grandchild and fully supporting it while my daughter and her boyfriend continued their party lifestyle. It does have a happy ending though. My daughter gave birth to a healthy beautiful baby boy 2 years ago, she works part time at a dry cleaner and is in school full time for nursing and will graduate at the end of next summer. Her boyfriend, well, all I can say is he does have a job. He doesn't have much of a future, but at least he is working. She has an open invitation to move in with me back in the U.S., where I am now, after she graduates. The boyfriend, however, is not welcome. His alcholism is too much for me to handle, but I do think my daughter will be here sooner rather than later, since she is completely sober and focused on providing a good life for her son and her boyfriend impedes her progress. But that is her choice to make.

Sometimes, tough love is necessary. You can only do so much for your children but they chose their own paths. Same goes for you. You must chose your own path and decide what is best for you. Sometimes things work out, and sometimes they don't. That is just the beauty of life and the beauty of uncertainty.

edit: sorry for the rambling sermon, but I wish you the best and I know how hard it is.

Unfortunately you can't force him to leave if he doesn't want to. What you can do in the meantime is start helping him by asking him what his plans are after he finishes highschool and helping him through that. I'm sure it's tough being a parent and having to "let go" but if he wants to stay, then you'll have no choice but to let him stay and support him in his decision.

Just a little background on me. I moved out of my parents' house one month after I turned 16. I told my parents I was moving out. My dad made the decision to support my decision and he helped me move into my first apartment and his decision to support me (not financially btw, I worked and made my own money) helped. He knew where I was and there was no tension.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that if he's determined to stay, support him in his decision. Arm him with the knowledge to be able to be independent.

I did not read through all the posts, however I can sympathize with your predicament since my almost 16 yr old daughter is pulling the same garbage.

I'll let you know at the beginning of next week whether she's with us or still in Canada fending for herself (technically Grandma and Grandpa are the back-ups, but she doesn't know that). She plays a mean hand and her poker face is unbelievable.....she is sticking to her guns until the last minute and saying she won't go.

Couple questions:

i) is your son heading off to University or college next fall? By the look of your timeline, your interview and subsequent move date could nicely coincide with that exciting life event for him?

ii) if not - is he heading for work and in that case, he could still find himself a roommate or 5 and live the happy life of an irresponsible young person - the way many of us started out - and turned out just fine in the end

18 is a grownup by most standards - of course we all know our kids to be horribly immature In my case, it has been a hard pill for me to swallow thinking of leaving a child behind who her whole life has been challenging - nothing bad, but she's been a handful at times. I feel like i'm abandoning her a little, but I have done what I can. She refuses to budge or see possibilities and opportunities

Don't let anyone tell you you're being a bad parent by taking care of your own needs at this stage Good luckor when you decide that the kid doesn't make a decision for the whole family - you do!!!

Good luck

Thanks for the advice everyone, He has been going up and down like the yo-yo and he's willing to compromise after a chit chat with my parents, who also live here. I just needed to vent and get other opinions, either way, he won't be alone!

Where abouts will you be moving?

Have you found out about this place and maybe have incentives for him to want to move?
Showing him what there is to do for fun and stuff.

Tell him to at least try it for a year and if he really hates it, he can go back. But ask him to at least give it a shot.

Now is probably a good time and have a nice adult talk with him. Let him know how you feel about him, let him know how you will feel about him after he makes his decision. Be honest, but don't accuse, blame, etc. I am a big believer in the "I feel..." method. Such as, when I hear you blah blah I feel blah blah. It is a nice way to remain objective and not be accusatory.
The goal in my mind is to help him transition to adulthood. And leave the door open for him.
good luck!

Oh dear. Just another one of the many reasons they are called meanagers. I feel for you, Bernie. It's a terrible stage, but it passes. You've gotten lots of good advice, here, so I won't add mine. I'm happy to hear he has decided to compromise. Personally, I believe a shot of reality always works wonders with the maturing process. Stay strong.

is it possible to plan to leave him on his own for a set period of time? My family moved twice while I was in high school and there was a possibility that I could have stayed behind when they moved the second time with family friends so I could do my senior year of high school with friends rather than starting over again. But the summer before my senior year I had a scholarship to take university classes near where we ended up moving. So, Mom and Dad said that I could live in the house that they were moving to with just my 15 year old brother for company during the week while I was going to class. They gave us a little bit of money for food each week-just enough that if we weren't smart about shopping Thursday and Friday were fairly hungry days. And we had a big gas tank on the farm so I didn't have to pay to fill up the car, so fairly different from leaving a kid in a city but anyway...

I realized after a summer of fending for myself that I'd like to have one more year of Mom time. It may turn out that your son won't come to that conclusion, but a short trial period might help him come to his senses.

I feel so badly for you that you are dealing with such a hard decision..... your happiness or your child's future. I don't know what I would do in your situation, but I didn't have to worry about it because my kid's Dad lived in Canada and was very active in their lives.

My daughter wanted no part of moving to the U.S. with me when I started the K-1 process, but I added her name to my I-129F anyways, just in case she changed her mind.

I told her about all the benefits of having both Canadian and U.S. citizenships, etc., but she was only 16 at the time and couldn't imagine leaving her Dad, 2 older brothers, and many friends behind.

She finished high school in Canada, and then she decided she wanted to move to the U.S. (she had an American boyfriend at the time, which was most likely the TRUE reason she changed her mind). She definitely would not thave come to the U.S. at the same time as I did because she wanted to graduate high school with her friends. So, I came to the U.S. in July, 2004 and my daughter came in September, 2005.

She has made many new friends at college and her jobs, and visits Canada whenever she can.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.