Hi guys,

I wonder how your experiences are. I've been living for 2 years now in the US and my parents use every single opportunity to give me the guilt trip. I understand that it is not easy for them that I am gone, but we have visited each other 3 times this year, I consider that a lot.... And both mys siblings just moved to cities really close to my parent's town, so they're not entirely alone.
They mostly complain all the time about me being gone... They don't like the political choices of the USA and are pacifists. My hubbie will start officer training school for the Air Force in March. We discussed the lifestyle and both agree we want it and are very excited about it. Hubbie's family - being from San Francisco - didn't like the idea in the first place, but they accepted it. There are other things.... My parents keep pushing for me to have the ultimate career.... A woman should never financially rely on a man, not even her husband, you never know what will happen tomorrow... Blablablabla people get divorced (comment: not even one couple in my family ever was divorced)... I'm working right now and make a good amount of money but plan on being a stay at home mom. My parents always worked and I felt a little left out alone (I never told my parents that to avoid any kind of drama), that's why my personal choice is being with my kids as long as possible. I already see it coming, as soon as I settle in with a baby more drama is coming up....
The bad thing is that my mother will never accept criticism... If I say please stop this, it's an offense and in the end I will have to apologize for ungrateful behavior....

Has anyone of you ever been in the situation of over bearing parents? I really don't know what to do anymore... I recently just always said: aha, yeah on the phone without engaging in any type of discussion, though they still keep repeating themselves (today I apparently cut the family ties by daring to move to another continent)....

I appreciate every piece of advise.... And your experience... I feel like I'm the only one in this situation... None of my friends have those problems....


Thanks, Anna

I hear you

I never had a good relationship with my parents in the first place, so I was extremely happy to be able to get away from them and their constant disaproval of the choices I make in my life. My marriage made them furious at first - they never expeceted me to marry a foreigner (it's not what I expected to do myself, to be honest). They are not blaming me for anything any more, but they are hoping I will return to Moscow someday.

Everyone's family dynamics are different. However, I am certainly a bit older and will offer a bit of wisdom.

Your parents will not change. What needs to change is how much their words and opinions impact you. This can be difficult because they know how to 'push your buttons' (after all, in a way, they created the buttons). Eventually, I hope you reach the point when you can predict exactly what they will say and just smile inwardly and react in a way that is generous to them because it no longer affects you.

Best wishes!

I think it's great that you want to be a stay at home mom! I plan on doing the same.
My parents are very supportive of my descision to marry a foreigner.
The only thing I can say is to ignore your parent's unreasonable criticisms.

Hi Anna,

My parents have been trying to make me feel guilty too. Not just for US but .. well every choice in life that THEY don't want.
The oddest things my mum has blamed me for : it's MY fault she was obese after giving birth to me (uh, sure, my fault I was born?), it's MY fault that they moved to a remote, isolated area where there are no people around and neither me nor my sister want to move to somewhere where they live and where neither of us has never lived or would have no desire or no real reasons for living (no jobs there, and families elsewhere).
I don't think my mum, or parents in general, will ever quit this guilt bath. Sigh. It's hard to put limits when they are parents after all, when they are getting old, weak, odd and more demanding but what can one do? I try to put some limits, so if seeing once a year or so isn't enough, then too bad.

I haven't lived in the same city as my parents since 1992, so I guess they're more used to the idea, but sometimes my mum gets in drama queen mode kinda implying I keep moving farther and farther away from her, which obviously wasn't premeditated. The good thing is that they adore my husband, so they're happy I found such a good man.
It's hard to talk to your parents as an adult, cos they will always consider you their "kid". If talking is difficult, maybe you want to send them a letter, explaining why you've made the choices you've made and that they make YOU happy. That way at least you don't get interrupted and they will have that information in the back on their heads. It won't prevent them from all of a sudden being 100% supportive, but it might mitigate their anxiety about you being away and wondering if you're making the right choices.

My parents are cool with it.
My mom basicly did the same thing when she got married and moved to another country,so she understands.
Of course it is hard,but we try to talk on the phone as often as we can and see eachother as often as we can.
On the otherhand I am happy to stand on my own 2 feet now,before I moved over here I was still living at my parents house.

My parents are happy with how my life is turning out. They're not happy about me being so far away but they're happy that settled, have started a family and am successful in my career. Same for Nani's parents. They'd rather be closer to her but they appreciate the life she lives and the family we started.

My mom only gets mad when I encourage my brothers to enter the DV lottery.

My parents did not like the idea that I have to live so far away at first. We took the CR-1 route so we had time to mentally prepared for the move. I spent most of my time with my family & my friends before I leave as much as I can.

Now, they are happy that I have settled down here after 1 year and they are happy that I am happy.

Anna,

I'm the USC and live about 7 miles from my mom, and I swear she says the exact same stuff as your mom does! She says I move further away for blah blah whatever reasons, she didnt think I'd marry a foreigner, women need to be independent, you never know what tomorrow brings, divorces happen all the time. I swear when I read your post it was like what my mom says. So maybe its not just a moving to the otherside of the world thing, but a parents thing. They miss their kids. They spend a good part of their lives raising us, and we will always be their "kids", and no matter how close or far, they miss us

Problem is how to tell them in a nice & polite manner, my life is my business and for them to stay out

It is a Godsend for Claudeth's parents. Just before she came here her Father lost his job so she has been supporting the whole family for the past two years. I am having my business partner give them money now so it will take a little pressure off Claudeth.

I lost my mother already 11 years ago, and my Dad lives by himself, but he was always very supportive. The first year after I moved here he was completely alone since my sister still lived in China with her family then.

She's now back in Germany and close to where he lives, and that takes a load off my mind! But I am very grateful for my Dad not being clingy at all and fully understanding that I have a right to live my life, too. He comes to visit at least once a year for about three weeks, and we both enjoy that time very much. I travel to Germany on business frequently and most of the time manage to go see him, too, that helps!

Anna, I think if your mother is the type of person who likes to plant the guilt seed, she'd do so even if you lived 10 minutes away! You'd still not be there often enough, wouldn't care enough etc.! And if she doesn't accept criticism, then you'll just have to ignore her comments. Sounds like a difficult situation, I feel for you....